Missing closure or something else

Hitman22

Hi, seeking advice please

Brother was in relationship, from what he says it was going great, few hiccups but both seemed really happy. It ended suddenly, he's taken it bad, one day she says she loves him, inviting him to see some her family, days later, its over.

He's very down about it, definitely noticed change in his personality. He wants to talk to her but she wants no more.

Maybe its a knock on his confidence but I was just wondering if anyone has any advice as I am sure I have probably said both right and wrong things to try talk to him but he is down at moment.

Dial Hard

Honestly, having been through a couple of horrific break-ups including a marriage ending, there's no such thing as closure. All there is is a process to be gone through, and that process is the passage of time, essentially. It's not helpful to you or your brother, but it is what it is, really. Even if you're "lucky" enough to be given an A-Z explanation of this is what happened and why, none of that helps with the hurt and the heartbreak, unfortunately. You still have to go through the process. Heads want closure; hearts do their own thing in their own time, absolutely regardless of everything else.

Hitman22

I can't argue with you and of course I've said same and he knows he has said same to others before.

I can tell and could tell that he really fell for her.

Over the weekend he did open up bit more and seemed to relax but then later on would disengage abit.

I think he just really wants to see her and is torturing himself over it.

I'm sure with time it will ease but hate seeing him feeling like this.

Appreciate your response

CreadanLady

What good would seeing her do? It is only prolonging the pain of it all.

It is like coming off of drugs, you just have to have the willpower to handle the withdrawal.

Hitman22

Hi All,

Back again for some advice. Brother is doing ok as he says but I can tell he is lacking confidence in himself or something, have tried to get him talk more (be it about the girl or in general) and he does in parts but closes off now and then, he doesn't seem to be as comfortable around my own family, (2 nephews, 1 niece) as he used to be. But if I or my wife ask him to help out, he is always there for us and the kids. I know that there are events coming up that him and his ex had intended going to, maybe that's playing on his mind abit.

My wife got talking to him one evening and he mentioned that he feels empty, frustrated and in self doubt. He took the break up hard and finds it hard to understand why he feels like this and also why it ended. He tried online dating just to try something and he got nowhere with it and took it to heart alot that there was no interest. Wife said he got really upset saying this and it felt like he needed to let it out. I was upstairs putting kids to bed so maybe he felt he could open up to her differently to me maybe?

Naturally I want my brother to be better and be there for him but I dont know what I can do, he is a natually shy guy but with a heart of gold and wears it on his sleeve. I know time is needed but can anyone offer me any advice on what I can do or say ?

spaceHopper

Would he try counseling?

Hitman22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119229702#Comment_119229702

He actually is going to counselling, think its few weeks now so maybe doing that has him unsure?

Thanks for comment

bottlebrush

OP how long was he seeing this girl. Was it just a short time considering she was inviting him to meet some of her family and the next day it was over. Had it only got to the stage he was meeting some family for the first time?

Nevertheless i think what he's going through is normal. That's what most people have gone through in the circumstances, and some people more than once. It's grief compounded with rejection. If he felt any other way after the breakup it might be more worrying.

Hitman22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232441#Comment_119232441

Morning, not sure exactly but I think its 4 to 5 months. They had met friends of each other and I just remembered we had planned a dinner / meeting her aswell.

Yes I agree with what you are saying but I have never seen him down like this before, maybe I need to give him some space and come back to himself but be there for him as I would anyway

callaway92

Jesus Christ, 4-5 months?

A complete overreaction. I know people take things to heart but that’s a big jump.

For all we know she could’ve been seeing others/texting others

The best closure he could get it seeing her with someone else

sprucemoose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119241584#Comment_119241584

relax

4-5 months isnt long but people get attached differently

seeing her with someone else is not going to solve anything if hes this upset ffs.....

OP i was in a relatively similar situation up until recently. i went through different stages of acceptance over the time and its take until pretty much now to realise that person wont be in my life anymore (apart from an upcoming wedding of mutual friends possibly, which could be fun/awkward). took me 7ish years tbh, its great that you want to support him but its probably just something he has to figure out on his own and at his own pace

NiceFella

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119241584#Comment_119241584

The only overreaction here is from you.

People can get connected super quick depending on the person. I've had one such case in my life. It was fleeting, were I was very attracted to the person and the person acted as though we had similar interests before they got bored and pulled the plug. It was all nonsense though, saw this person out with a few others. Personality issues written all over it.

Not saying this is the case here, but the ones that usually up and leave without explanation are ones that have issues on some level. That is if you have a self awareness and at least can look at yourself with some objectivity.

callaway92

I probably didn’t word it great as I did want to say ‘people react differently’, but it’s too much for me at 4-5 months

Its brutal, but the reality check of him maybe finding out she is with someone else may help him to move on

bitofabind

Hi OP. You sound like a very supportive sibling, but unfortunately this is your brother's battle to fight. It's normal to be anything on a scale from disappointed to devastated at the end of a relationship. Most of us go through this and your brother will get through it like the rest of us. It's upsetting to see a family member so down, and definitely stay in touch with him and be the shoulder to cry on. But there's nothing you can do or say to ease the pain of this for him. He simply has to go through it.

JoChervil

OP, just be for him and listen. The quicker he will get it out from his system the better.

Hitman22

Hi All, thanks for all the responses.

He has shared some more with me without me asking, which is a good sign. I let him talk it out, he obviously feels need to talk it out to as some would say get it out of his head.

He mentioned to my wife that the girl had trust issues, was badly hurt before and was very independent but that she did open up to him about all that and he appreciated that and that's when he started fall hard for her.

There has been a change in his personality but I am glad to see that the uncle that adores my kids is there and I can see a bit more peacefulness in him

Maybe my wife is rubbing off on me, but as brothers we do talk but don't talk and that's why I came here so thanks for all the comments.