They bought a pet together

bitofabind

My sibling has been in a relationship about 7 months. He more or less moved in after their first few dates, they were pretty much joint at the hip from the get-go. Madly in love, lots of travel and visiting families and all the rest really early on.

She came to stay with me for a few nights a few weekends ago. Relationship issues, lots of rows, jealousy issues on his side, silent treatment, control issues from what I can gauge - life isn't easy if he doesn't get his way. Sex has to happen every day. He has to go everywhere with her. She's on anti-depressants as she's over-worked and not getting any personal time to herself to unwind and destress. Red flags all over the gaff.

Anyway, she went back, house was sparking clean, big apology, happy families again. Big wedding of a close friend of his the next week, then some travel, then they both attended a family reunion on our family's side last week. This week they bought a dog together. I feel a bit sick to my stomach to be honest, about how this is all going to play out and what will happen to that animal down the line. She has form for toxic relationships with no boundaries at all - she met this fella a wet week after the last guy moved out, who also moved in after the first date and never left. On again off again with him for the duration, and the fella before and the fella before. I've gotten used to not giving advice (in one ear and out the other) and turning a blind eye.

But for some reason this has really pissed me off, as it feels so irresponsible. Maybe because I'm a dog lover and know what's involved in training them, minding them, giving them a safe home. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that this relationship is nowhere near solid, secure, there's so many issues...I was pissed off enough that he was round my parents' gaff within a few weeks and my dad has gotten really attached to him, and now this.

I guess this is more of a rant than a request for advice, since I know anything I do beyond turning a blind eye is just meddling. But curious about what others think.

Hannibal_Smith

All you can do is not get cut off. As you know if you keep labouring the point about what you can see in this relationship she'll end up distancing herself, whether by her own decision or his.

The dog mustnhave come as a shock, instead of seeing the light she's digging herself in deeper and dragging a pet into the mix.

Just don't get cut off from her....as they say you can lead a horse to water, but she's going to need someone one eventually.

Jequ0n

Your frustration is very understandable.

Nothing you can do apart from waiting til she hits rock bottom and decides that she wants to change something.

The poor dog though who’ll just be a pawn.

Big Bag of Chips

The dog will probably be fine. She'll probably split up from him like she has all the others and one or other of them will keep the dog. There's nothing in your post to suggest that the dog will be mistreated.

But you really do need to keep the lines of f communication open with your sister. She's going to need support to deal with and/or end this relationship. The dog will be OK. Your sister might not be.

marilynrr

You're right that it might be a bad environment for a dog if there are lots of angry rows. The dog could get bad anxiety and be difficult to train. Very sad for the dog if that happens and best case scenario is that they would find a new home for the dog because they would find it difficult (when really it's their fault).

But maybe the dog will actually be fine, and the only issue will be who gets to keep the dog after they split..so try not to worry too much about the dog right now. I'm a huge dog lover too so I get where you're coming from, but you'll drive yourself mad worrying about it!

Your dad is attached to the new boyfriend, and not the dog is that right? Is he unaware of any of the issues they have?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say if you need to minimise contact with your sister or cut her off for your own sake then do so. It can be incredibly difficult to deal with loved ones who keep ending up in toxic situations and can affect your mental health massively.

She has form for toxic relationships with no boundaries at all - she met this fella a wet week after the last guy moved out, who also moved in after the first date and never left. On again off again with him for the duration, and the fella before and the fella before. I've gotten used to not giving advice (in one ear and out the other) and turning a blind eye.

I have to agree with the previous poster - I wouldn't be putting myself out there over and over to keep supporting her if she keeps repeating the same pattern of behaviour with guys and getting herself into these toxic relationships, and learning nothing from previous mistakes.

In your shoes, I'd take a step back, and let her get on with it.

spaceHopper

So she have a place, they move in and after a fight she moves out for few says, shouldn't she send them away for a few days to cool the jets.

bitofabind

Thanks guys for the advice. I agree with you all, the dog will probably be fine - she's not a sh1t person, they're both actually quite responsible, successful, very capable people. Having thought about it, I think it's more about what the dog represents, which is the ridiculous highs and lows and insane choices driven by nothing other than obsession and infatuation that my sister is prone to in relationships. Moving at the speed of light, moving someone in after a few dates, integrating them with family, joint at the hip, extreme honeymoon type stuff only for it to all crash and burn and I have to be there to pick up the pieces.

The lack of logic like - she "broke up with him" over his extreme jealousy, drove down to spend the weekend with me and said some extremely worrying things about his behaviour, control issues, mood swings, not giving her any space whatsoever, not being able to compromise, nit-picking, drives back and three weeks later there's a few weddings and birthdays and excitement and they're suddenly getting a dog together? I mean - make it make sense. It's hard to get on board with it and it's emotionally exhausting to watch it play out and any element of "are you sure that's a good idea" causes more drama and I'm just tired of it all.

Wanderer78

child or children would definitely solve this one! some sort of disorders going on there, possible undiagnosed, therefore untreated. run!

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118994584#Comment_118994584

Easier said than done when it's a sibling.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118994618#Comment_118994618

apologies, but is the sibling the male or female?

The DayDream

I know exactly the type you're on about. They do my head in. It's called codependency. Sucks when they drag animals into it. But they can't help themselves. The unconditional love of a dog seems like the perfect panacea to the void they constantly try to fill with relationships, which are not always so unconditional.

I stay well away from these types and their affairs. Leave them to their drama and if it all goes tits up call the nearest dog shelter if you have concerns.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118994624#Comment_118994624

As far as I can tell it's a female.

tara73

I don't know exactly what you're looking for but my guess is you want to get out of the situation to worry about your sister and just listening to her stories and everything you say isn't making it any better. I think you feel used by her at this point and nobody likes this or can stand that forever.

Not an easy one, I think you're guessing it and therefore an exact question is even difficult to ask.

Anyway, I know it's easier said than done, but this is a simple case of setting boundaries. I woud tell your sister you will be still there for her to do nice things together (like cooking, going for a walk or whatever you do) but you can not and will not listening to her problems anymore. You tried, but it's too much for you at this stage and you can see you can't help her. She needs to deal with it by herself or also needs to look for professional help. Surely it's important to stick to it and not letting yourself be dragged into her starting with her stuff again. She might be angry with you at first but has no other choice to accept it at the end of the day. And you need to deal with her getting angry with you or even cutting contact (for a while) Maybe that's what makes it hard for you to set this boundary, the fear of loosing her?

Xterminator

Lookin on the bright side, im sure you would rather a dog than a child added to the mix!

JoChervil

OP, I guess your sister is a younger one. Sense and Sensibility springs to my mind.

You might be this always responsible, always analysing things sister, while your sister is just living and making mistakes.

We are not prophets, we can't predict future and how certain things will pan out. It might happen that the dog will be blessing for them, not a disaster. Also we don't always do things, which are planned in 100% and which are guaranteed in 100%. Otherwise only a small percentage of people would have kids. Or fall in love, which some say "is an act of courage".

Are you sure that deep down you wouldn't like to be more spontaneous? You might unknowingly limit yourself unnecessarily and your unrestricted sister gets on your nerves.

Or your sister might be just nuts.

Anyway your sister life is not your responsibility, so you also need to set your boundaries here. And relax.

UPDATE. I mean, you don't have to pick up the pieces. By doing this you might be enabling her to stay irresponsible, because you will fix everything at the end. I think you worry that because of your soft heart you will end up caring for this dog when they split. But it only depends on you. You might set proper boundaries, you might stop taking responsibility for her life and just say no.

"She has form for toxic relationships with no boundaries at all". I'd introduce her to attachment styles, something which very few people are aware of and thus repeat the same patterns in their relationships time and time again. It will save her a lot of pain in the future. I wish somebody had told me about them 20 years ago.

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/toxic-relationships/202104/how-change-your-attachment-style-and-your-relationships

https://www.loveaddictionhelp.com/12-distancing-strategies-the-love-avoidant-uses-to-avoid-intimacy

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-1-dependence-dilemma-0201184

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

@bitofabind given you haven't been back to the thread, I'm taking it you're happy enough for it to be closed off?

I'm going to close it but if I'm wrong and you want it reopened for further advice just PM me.

Thanks

HS