What to do...

in a hole

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice. The thing is, I don’t know what the question I should be asking myself is. Any advice on the below is appreciated.

I’m in my early thirties and I really don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

On a personal level, I am a Civil Servant in a permanent role and am still living at home. My salary as single person means I could get a max mortgage of €100k so getting my own place is not an option at the moment.

I’m not really happy in my job to be completely honest. I find it mundane and repetitive but anytime I suggest moving on from it, I’m told I’d be mad to give up a permanent role that is practically impossible get fired from. I have a college degree that I worked hard for but through my current job, I do not get to utilise anything I learned while obtaining that qualification.

On a relationship level, I’m single 2 years now. I’ve been in one relationship in the past for approx. 4 years. Around 2 years into the relationship, my partner cheated on me, I forgave them but I feel I never really got over it. When we did break up, we remained very good friends and still are very close.

While they are now seeing someone else, we still speak daily. When they told me they were seeing someone in recent months, it completely broke my heart. I never fully got over us breaking up and while they were not seeing someone else, I always thought there might be some hope of us again. I loved my ex dearly when we were together and now I love them dearly as a friend. They are one of the only people I feel like I can talk to or share a problem with.

Where I am really caught is, besides my ex, I don’t actually have any friends. I know loads of people to sit and have a conversation with but that would be the limit of it. I wouldn’t call any of it a friendship. No one ever texts me or calls me, unless they want a favour.

I have absolutely zero interest in dating anyone either, I’ve tried Tinder etc. but have deleted the app after a day or two.

I’ve had spells where I felt depressed and normally after a couple of weeks, I’m grand again for another couple of months.

I really need to do something with my life because at the moment, I feel like an absolute waste of space.

RojaStar

Sorry the internet ate my post 😣.

The gist was...

You're not a waste of space - you absolutely do not need to have your whole life figured out, at any stage!

Find a new job and stop listening to other people on that - the idea you should stay in it because it's secure is absolute MADNESS and a very outdated point of view. You don't have to stay in the next one forever either. Try different ones. There are no rules.

Cut the chord with the ex. You will make new friends but you have to put yourself out there.

The Mighty Quinn

I'm sorry to hear of your heartache, I am, because I've been that fool. You don't love your ex dearly as a friend. You love your ex dearly as a former girlfriend and hopeful future girlfriend. For your own wellbeing, you need to stop the relationship. It's not a real friendship. You've no interest in dating anyone either because you're too caught up on hoping to date the ex again. Drop her, go through the grieving, your desire to meet others will bubble up. Try again then.

As for the job, if you're fortunate enough to be living at home and can take a risk on moving to a new job and nothing to lose if it doesn't work out (i.e., you're not homeless because you can't make the rent payments), then why not take a chance on some area you'd actually like to be working it rather than doing something you know is killing you.

Don't get caught up on the friends issue. Knowing people to sit and have a conversation with is more than many have. What do you want from a friendship? Work out what that is, and try elevate your acquaintances to that level by a shared hobby or interest or social thing or whatever.

Honestly, drop the ex, first point of healing. Your life is passing you by while you look at her shack up with others.

in a hole

Thank you @RojaStar and @The Mighty Quinn for the replies.

I was hoping I wouldn't get advice to cut out my ex but honestly expected it.

I just find it difficult to contemplate it. We have a few mutual hobbies that I would hate to make awkward for both of us and we live within a half mile of each other in a small rural village so it would be inevitable we would bump into one another.

With regards to what I want from a friendship, I want a friendship where I can have conversations like this, someone I can turn to for advice when I need some and where I can return the favour. The people I have interactions only seem to talk about the mundane day to day small talk, the weather, sports results. I've got involved in a GAA club at committee level but failed to make friends with anyone there. Being involved in a committee only made me think that people only contact me when they want something and for no other reason even more than I already did.

Since you've no ties and you're still relatively young, would you consider moving abroad for a fresh start?

B.A._Baracus

You're in a rut op.

To chime in with the above yes you should cut contact with your ex. We shouldn't have someone in our lives that brings us negativity - even if unintentionally. But think of the future, she's likely to get married and have kids. That'll effect you more. All from a person who cheated on you. Second she did that she proved she wasn't a friend. Second she gets married too whatever friendship you will have with her with get cut. Think logically with what's going to happen. Again, all this from a person who betrayed you.

As for apps like tinder? I know someone who feels the same as you. Sick of it. Sick of the whole online dating thing. Not even sure they want to date someone at this point. But all you need is to just meet the right one. Cliche advice I know however its true.

As for friends I think the hard truth about life is that most just have acquaintances. It's your family and the family you create that's your circle. I say not having someone is the biggest issue you have. As that would help with getting a house. She would be your best mate. Big missing piece of the puzzle.

RojaStar

You can cut the contact with your ex and still be civil to them when you bump into them out and about. It's not necessarily about completely avoiding them but stopping the communication and emotional dependency on them.

Re the suggestion about moving abroad, unfortunately it's not the amazing answer people seem to think it is. Your problems come with you! And on top of that you're dealing with a whole set of new ones, at least in the short term. On the other hand, moving out of your parents and getting some independence there could be a gamechanger. As could changing jobs.

Try some other groups OP. Being on a committee probably doesn't lend itself to much more than transactional interactions, don't think the problem is you there! A friend of mine joined a running group and they would always hang around for coffees afterwards and they ended up really connecting with people and building up some friendships over time. They'd really get into deep and meaningful chats on the runs sometimes! A lot of people are in the same boat. I'm sure the same goes for lots of other activities. Not so much team sports but more individual pursuits.