Advice on progressing chats

System

This discussion was created from comments split from: Endless silence on dating apps.

Markus Antonius

I just installed tinder a month ago (never used a dating app before). I'm a straight man and probably got reasonably good success with the matching (22 matches so far which probably isn't bad) but have the same issue with the endless awkward silences.

There is one girl who I really like and she lives not far from me but I almost have to remind her to respond by bumping the conversation with some kind of mundane question. Then she's always really apologetic and seems genuinely interested in chatting then. I can't tell if she is just not interested but too polite to say so or if she really is just busy or has lots of other chats going on.

Would love to know how to progress things but not scare her off either! It's like a slow bike race - be the slowest man to reach the finish line.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

I split your post into its own thread OP as it may get lost in the other person's thread.

HS

YellowLead

Would you not just ask her to meet? She’s likely chatting to a few, and who has time for endless messaging back and forth a more fun to chat in person and see if there’s a spark. See if she’s up for an in person meet - and if she’s not, well that’s a bit red flaggy.

Markus Antonius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118958362#Comment_118958362

Thanks! I was going to create a new one but saw similarities in my situation to the other recent thread.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118958833#Comment_118958833

The reason I didn't ask is because I already got ghosted by 3 girls who I suggested having a meet up with, so just thought that this was breaking some kind of etiquette of online dating!

Would you believe, the girl I really like has just texted me now (without me prompting her) after 5 days of silence! We must have turned a corner!

Update: A really positive message again, she seems really keen and she has admitted that she doesn't like intense back and forths as she gets distracted from her phone easily. Either that or I'm being strung along really effectively 😂. We'll just have to see how it pans out.

I would still really appreciate any advice though. How soon should you really be asking to go for a coffee or something? My initial thoughts after joining the app were that you should try and meet as soon as possible because, lets face it, the chats die a death really quickly no matter how charismatic a texter you are. But also the fact that you have to get in there quick before some other chad comes along!

But I'm playing it really safe and conservatively with this one as I really like her and don't want to c*ck it up. Didn't think I'd be in this situation before I joined the app to be honest

YellowLead

Well what do you prefer? I think modifying your own preferences and behaviour to suit somebody isn’t a great sign. I like to meet ASAP and I would move on from anybody who didn’t want to, rather than bend my behaviour to suit them.

If you want to deal with princesses fair enough - but I’m my case, and my female friends, we all want to meet a guy ASAP. There are guys and girls out there who like to hide behind endless texting and those people are not for me, I just cut them off. Though to be fair it’s rare to find a guy who doesn’t want to meet very quickly, I don’t know if it’s guys in general or I just go for a certain type of up front normal person.

It depends how many messages have been exchanged but I’d say a couple of days on average. Less if lots of texts, if only one or two - maybe a little more.

YellowLead

Also - be wary of really liking somebody you’ve never met - it’s not real until you meet!

Markus Antonius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118959004#Comment_118959004

Seeing as it's Tinder, the "really like" comment is purely looks-based if her pictures are accurate. She is very adorable looking (late 20s too, with makeup only worn in one of the pictures so shes very naturally good looking). But she's nice to chat to as well despite it being an eternity between messages but I can respect this as I too find typing on my phone to be tiresome and tedius and I often go for days without looking at my phone at all.

But yes, I completely agree on witholding any real judgement until we've met in person. So long as the delays aren't as a result of her chatting to 40 other men then I'm ok with being patient with the texting phase.

Your comment above on being forward with meeting in person soon and cutting off otherwise is definitely an approach I will adopt with other women even if it has mostly ended in ghosting so far. This online crap really is no replacement for the old fashioned face to face from the off.

Salvation Tambourine

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118958225#Comment_118958225

I know what you mean about not trying to "scare her off" but I've found that if things are clicking on chats that you things can move very quickly to agreeing to meet up. Very easy thing to say but don't over think it. If you like her and your chats are decent just see if she's about for a drink or a stroll, whatever. If she likes you she'll probably meet, if she doesn't then at least you can spend your time and energy on something that might lead to something.

Katgurl

No idea how you can possibly really like her given you've never met her.

Invite her for a coffee, if she agrees then clarify the arrangements and stop messaging. Put her out of your mind till the date happens.

Why do you care if she's talking to 40 other men? Why shouldn't she?

LunaIsMyUsername

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118958225#Comment_118958225

She probably is talking to 40 other men and what of it? If she's as attractive and easy to talk to as you say she's probably got hundreds of matches. Theres nothing worse than messaging someone on Tinder who doesn't even try to progress things beyond the app. Did you invite her for coffee? or ask for her number? Why should she invest time out of her day to speak to you when you're not making any effort apart from instigating some brief small talk.

Markus Antonius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119063760#Comment_119063760

Anytime I tried to progress things I would just get ghosted instantly. The one girl I didn't try to progress things with is the only girl I'm still in contact with.

I'm finished with Tinder anyway, it's poison. I sent her my number and told her I'm meeting people the old fashioned way and to text me if she wants to maintain contact.

LunaIsMyUsername

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119064774#Comment_119064774

Tinder is poison to be fair, keep in mind that lots of people on the apps believe they have as many options available to them as there are people to match with and often times people are holding out incase they miss something potentially better. Theres a weird culture we live in at the minute were lots of people don't want to settle unless its for the perfect partner for them (which doesn't exist for most people), its like they see these beautiful pictures of other people on social media who look like they're living their best lives and they don't have the sense or awareness to remember that people aren't infallible and lives are generally pretty messy for everyone. Don't take it personally, it's the society we're in these days and its always a reflection on the person you're speaking to.

Markus Antonius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119064863#Comment_119064863

Exactly - their match count gives them a false sense of security, then all of a sudden they are 35, have an extra stone on and wrinkles coming through. Then they realise that none of their matches are viable options really and the desperation sets in.

It really is a huge societal problem that I don't think has really reared it's ugly head yet (even though it's so clear to see right now)

LunaIsMyUsername

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119065862#Comment_119065862

I have to disagree with you there, the idea that once you hit mid thirties and looks start to fade you're doomed to be alone forever is quite a vapid and shallow way to view people and very much inline with the dating app culture. There are people of all ages, shapes and sizes getting married and meeting partners for the first time so I really believe that looks have little do with it.

If looks are so important to you that you wouldn't bother with someone you consider anything less than a 7 then that might be your problem. Maybe you need to lower your expectations and focus on what's important in a partner. People can tell straight away if someone is only interested in them for their looks and an existential fear sets in that that person will go off you the minute you put on a bit of weight or they see you without makeup and in stained pyjamas. I think its best to not view people in such shallow terms unless its just casual relationships you're looking for. Otherwise, considering how people are complex you're not taking into consideration the fact that the people you see on the apps or social media, despite having lovely pictures posted, are human and will have their own internal issues, negative thoughts, feelings of anxiety, things they dislike about themselves, insecurities, mental disorders, emotional disregulation, various levels of intellect, health issues, family and social issues, bad days and good days. Some people don't want to settle and use the apps as a good excuse not to, they can stay connected with strangers if they choose to but don't have to commit to anyone. Theres hundreds of reasons why anyone could use them. Either way if you're not getting your needs met, maybe stop using them. Definitely hard to do when Tinder is so much apart of how people connect and get dates, especially those with smaller circles of friends.

Also keep in mind that unfortunately, not everyone meets a lifelong partner, in fact allot of people don't its just we don't really talk about it, we're always told we'll meet someone but truthfully, we just mightned and its down to luck if you meet someone you connect with and is willing to continuously work hard on the relationship with you for years on end to keep it going.

Idle Passerby

I think it's true regardless of sex that if someone's Interested they'll make an effort. When I was on the apps I didn't want to be rude and point blank ignore anyone genuine who messaged me. I wouldn't ignore someone in real life who greeted me. But there are cues in real-life that you can let a person know you aren't interested without having to be cruel.

In real life when a randomer chats you up you can be polite, then make your excuses and walk away and most will get the hint and leave you alone. Online you can't walk away so you can be left with some gormless twit following you around a virtual room trying to talk to you.

I think people need to look at online dating more similarly to how they would approach chatting to someone in a pub. Everyone is in that pub looking to meet someone. Some may already be in conversation or have their eye on someone specific. They might shoot the breeze with someone for a while if they are idle. Striking up some small talk is no guarantee of interest on either side and if the chat is dull or one sided then it's obviously a non starter and you move on.

Markus Antonius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119066167#Comment_119066167

Never implied that you are doomed forever once you hit your mid thirties but apps like Tinder can definitely make women feel that way. I've read online that the algorithm doesn't favor you once you get passed 30 in order to keep the more youthful cohort in the spotlight. I definitely think this is true. Therefore Tinder is not a good option if you are seeking a partner from 35 onwards in my opinion.

Jafin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119067388#Comment_119067388

Not only does the algorithm not favour you, but they also increase the subscription price! I don't remember specific pricing, but I did notice that the price they were offering me a subscription for when I was 29 suddenly increased as soon as I hit 30. I'm almost 33 now so I'm unsure if that's changed, but I looked it up online after it happened and read that it's because they know people over 30 more than likely a) have more disposable income than people in their 20s and b) for want of a better term, are probably more "desperate" to find someone.

ShamanRing

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119067388#Comment_119067388

Wrong on two points. It doesn’t showcase women under 30, because you (the user) decide what age women you want to be shown.

Secondly, Tinder is by far the best way for the more mature to meet someone. I’m at that age now, and by and large you meet women who know what they want (be it FWB, ONS, dating, relationship). I love it, personally.

Lots of bad advice here.

spontindeed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119066259#Comment_119066259

Why put yourself out there on a dating app if you're just going to block someone when they politely send a message expressing interest? It's rude and also a waste of peoples time. Just tell them directly you're not interested.

If a guy gets repeatedly cut off, he will eventually go somewhere else to look for his love. I know a guy who experienced this and he decided to find his love in Belarus. He was 28 at the time and she was 22. He is now 32 and it seems to be going very well for him. Women hit on him even when they know he's taken. He never experienced rude cut offs like he did here. They would always tell him directly over there.   

Guys are patient but they're not going to wait around forever. Guys are more driven when it comes to searching for their partner and they know what they're looking for.

It seems that some ladies don't understand what the block feature is meant for. It's not meant for genuine expressions of interest from guys: you simply ignore or if you have any decency, you just tell them directly you're not interested.

From 30 onwards, guys have time on their side - not quite the case with women as their biological clock begins to decline. A lot of guys play harder to get in their 30's unlike in their 20's. That is why I think the algorithm on Tinder benefits guys from 30 onwards.  

Idle Passerby

@spontindeed you've obviously completely misunderstood what I said. I never mentioned blocking anyone. I said that whenever someone that seemed genuine messaged me I replied because it felt rude to ignore someone who (unlike so so many on dating apps) wasn't a creep. But many seemed to take the fact that you politely replied as evidence you were interested and kept pursueing it regardless if the conversation was going no where and you'd stopped asking any follow up questions. It's harder to politely brush someone off online so this is likely why so many men complain that women won't chat with them on the apps. They're failing to see the woman isn't interested.

If someone's interested they will show an interest. Contrary to what many men seem to believe, online dating isn't a bed of roses for women either. We generally aren't inundated with eligible bachelor's vying for our attention. In general women probably receive more messages from men but very few would be all that inspiring. And that's not necessarily women being overly picky. In real life you wouldn't consider every random man who leers at you or makes unwanted passes as a potential love interest. Neither are you automatically attracted to every normal nice guy who chats you up. That's life, you won't be attracted to everyone. The apps are no different.

RojaStar

It depresses the life out of me every time I see a comment like the one above about men having time on their side from 30/40 on whereas women have to lower their standards as they get older out of "desperation". It's such a worn out trope on these boards. This narrative smacks of guys who just got no female attention in their youth and are bitter about it. Wishful thinking that all the women who rejected them are now due their comeuppance! Anywaaaaaay.

OP best of luck with this potential date, it's a good sign that she's been in touch. Maybe when you first started chatting she was in more advanced convos with someone else and wanted to see how that was going before getting stuck in with you. Whatever the reason it's best to try not to take it personally.

spontindeed

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119072465#Comment_119072465

I get your point and I'm not trying to condescend but appreciate the insight. I'm 33 but I'm in a good place in life and that's what matters to me at the end of the day.

The problem is that not enough respectable women put themselves out there until they are in around their peak age by which stage it's not possible to consider dating them for reasons you probably know. That's just my experience anyway.    

While I personally would never date a lady from another Country, that other guy I knew was actually attractive and tall (and of European appearance just like his female partner) but he came to the conclusion that it wasn't really about personality or good/bad guys but procrastination.

Markus Antonius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119075427#Comment_119075427

She sent me her number and I am now off Tinder