44 Next Birthday -I am bored with my Life

GeorgeStobart2022

Before I start just want to put it out there that I am not suicidal in any way

I would like to start with the positives

1. I have quite a good job earning good money
2. I look quite young for my age

I just felt the need to come on here today to hopefully get some insight or advice , I am living quite a lonely boring life . I moved to the town I'm in 14 years ago and I have no friends here . That is partially my own fault because I am quite a introverted person and like my own company sometimes , however I sometimes wish my life was more eventful . On my days off all I really do is watch TV play my PS5 , go to the gym or for a walk and I am just bored to hell with it. I have noticed this has led to a pretty unhealthy drink habit as I tend drink almost every day I'm off now. I just feel there is no purpose to my life , I suppose for most men my age their purpose is a wife and kids but I am 44 my next birthday and I have never had any any real meaningful relationship. I am not sure why its never happened for me TBH but I remember in college I was so unbelievably shy , there were girls showing definite signs of interest but I was just too afraid to do anything about it . Today its not like I am getting turned down left right and centre its that I just don't bother trying to put myself out there . I am quite over weight with low self esteem so that's why I don't bother . Anyway I don't even know if I want a long-term partner or kids but I would like to have the confidence in myself to put myself out there , the only place I tend to meet women is at work and every once in a while when one is nice to me I tend to over invest and develop crushes quite quick and easily . Anyway I am not sure exactly what I am hoping to get here , I would just like to overhaul my life and have more things going on etc

Get a motorbike

Tork

OP, have you posted here before? You don't have to answer that question if you don't want to but I'm mentioning it for a reason. If you are this same person, you've been posting variations of the same problem on boards for years. The only thing that's changing is your age. If that is the case, I don't think your problems can be solved by repeatedly asking for help on boards. People will give you good advice but if you're struggling to effect changes in your life, it's time to try something different. As the saying goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. Have you ever sought out help from the Employee Assistance Service in your workplace, for example? Or if they don't offer that, have you looked up alternatives? That would be the first step I would strongly advise you to take. It isn't easy to pick up the phone and reach out for help. But please, do it. With the deep rut and self-esteem/self-sabotaging issues you have, it's time to take things further than boards.

My advice would be to start some self-care. I know that term gets eye rolls since all the 'wellness' talk that got bandied around during lockdown, but give it a chance.

If you could even start by committing to one act of self-care each day, you could build it from there.

It can be absolutely anything that you know is good for you. If you're feeling stuck, it can be anything that will un-stick you. Try a new hobby or a class, a meet-up, whatever. Go somewhere new, break your routine in any way shape or form. Book a haircut or dentist appointment or massage or something.

If you can build up practices like that over time, then you'll get to a stage where TV/games are also a form of self care, because they'll be a break from all the other stuff you're up to, rather than a time-sink that your evenings are drowning in.

Xidu

do some charity work if u have money n time n feeling lonely n bored

CreadanLady

Realistically, you are too old to be considering having kids.

NSAman

Get a dog.

SuperBowserWorld

Regardless of age, getting "married" and having kids is probably not going to solve your problems.

Take advantage of your freedom and do something exciting and "scary," for you. Can you take time off work and travel, work abroad ... ??

(Edit)

Shake it up, your world will change around you.

You are not old or unhealthy physically.

Geuze

(1) cut back on drink, max should be equivalent of 8-10 pints per week

(2) lose weight

There's a starting point.

Caranica

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960708#Comment_118960708

In what century 🙄 there's no biological issues, men can become fathers way beyond 44,

OP have you tried counseling? Sounds like you need a helping hand to get out of this rut and build your confidence.

CreadanLady

Maybe not biological issues, but certainly social and life stage issues.

AySeeDoubleYeh

Start exercising. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's vitally important for the way you perceive yourself, as much as for your weight. If you're self-conscious about exercise, then do it at night when nobody will see you. Put on a podcast/playlist you like, and get out for a long walk.

You'll lose weight, and you'll feel better about yourself because you will have done something. Added bonus is that you'll end up drinking less if you're regularly our walking instead, which in turn leads to further weight loss, which then leads to you feeling ever better about yourself. Easy, simple and actionable steps that you can take today, that will make a meaningful difference.

Do this first, and then worry about making connections. You need to start caring for yourself before you can expect others to.

Strumms

Start exercising ? They are in a gym !

if you enjoy sports join a team

thefallingman

you can wait for something to happen or make it happen, the choice is yours

CreadanLady

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961068#Comment_118961068

The weight and fitness issue would have to be overcome first before he could realistically be taken on in a competitive team.

At 44 too, the options are very limited for playing team sports. Most competitive players are long retired by that age. Starting out at 44 would be unlikely to work out at all, if he is even accepted. Most sports are focused around young people and on training them up in the game as teenagers, not middle age.

seamus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961168#Comment_118961168

There are plenty of sports that still do aul fellas training all of the time. A few weeks back I saw a competitive soccer match taking place in Marlay Park and some of those lads were north of 40, or at least looked it! Plenty of bellies and wrinkles going on.

https://www.amateurfootballleague.com/

Even without teams, you can still have a social aspect - cycling, golf, running. Cliches, definitely, but if you don't like them, there's rowing or tennis, whatever. When it comes to sport, people tend to write themselves off, it's not that the opportunities aren't available.

At his age, free time is his greatest asset. He can turn up to training and competitions when everyone around him can only make a few. Not only is this key to improving his fitness, but will make him a top choice of player for his reliability.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960818#Comment_118960818

IMO men should wait until their 40s to have children.

Kids are essentially the end of the lives of the parents and the beginning of the life of the child.

Live 1st, then have your children.

Plus, older parents have more life experience and are generally less bitter

RojaStar

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960708#Comment_118960708

Unhelpful and untrue.

OP - it sounds like you need to come up with a plan. Start small and work up to bigger things. You can have purpose in your life without a relationship or kids. You need to tackle the self esteem and alcohol issues first, currently this is a vicious cycle as you're probably using alcohol to numb feelings whether you're aware of that or not. Where there's an unhealthy relationship with alcohol there's an acronym for why we generally drink - HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. The idea being that when you want to drink, you "halt" and identify which one(s) it is. If you could think of one action to counteract each one of these things, and do them regularly that would be a great start.

The Mighty Quinn

While CreadanLady's comment about being too old to be considering having children at 44 doesn't necessarily have to be true, I'd absolutely agree with her. There are many steps and hurdles to get over before children are likely in the current situation.

At 44, living alone, drinking and gaming and doing as you please, i've seen first hand the absolute shock and world turned upside down effect that suddenly introducing a relationship and baby to that life can cause.

Being used to doing as you please and not being answerable to anybody, getting up whenever you want, cleaning and cooking when and if you want, watching your own programmes on tv, leaving the bottle of ketchup in your press exactly where you want it......... I know a 49 year old man who never had a relationship up until after his 47th birthday. He now has a 1 year old son, a highly unstable relationship with a woman a few years younger than him, is in counselling and generally having a bad time from it. The lifestyle shift is seismic. He was living your life up until 2 years ago.

All that said, it's not impossible and a lot depends on how 'set in your ways' you are, how adaptable you are, whether you're loving or curmudegeonly. My advice is to work towards it if you want it, but in the meantime make immediate changes to pull you out of your bubble, mix, do things, something, anything, with other people. Inconvenience yourself.

Strumms

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961168#Comment_118961168

There are loads of football teams, tennis clubs etc that have provisions for those in the OPs category.. this and many contributions of yours in this thread are very wide of the mark and inaccurate.

i'm 50 and unmarried OP. if you're not into the likes of rugby worshipn (there is an entertaining thread here between fans and the less endeared folk) or the likes of it in any sport , then why not consider a club like model trains, building airfix models (IMSS) , gaming (you'd be surprised what age groups you'd see in forbitdden plant along the quay in dublin city centre)

lay off the gargle.

questionmark?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961168#Comment_118961168

Nonsense. 5 a side footie, Tag Rugby, Tennis Club, Golf society, badminton etc etc... Full of people of all ages, sizes and ability. All great ways to meet new people as well as exercise.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961455#Comment_118961455

While becoming a father in one's forties can work out find, I don't agree that it's better than doing so fifteen years earlier

Pavol_SVK

If one has lower self-esteem, it may have been a background reason for not wanting relationship, because if one does not trust himself, how he/she can expect someone else to do so and choose to live with such person for rest of her/his respective lifes, or even have kids together?

I am 45, I am running in between 40 - 100km per month, I have motorbike, I am going for indoor climbing and for many more activities ON MY OWN too.

There is nothing wrong being on your own or doing things on your own.

What is wrong "to know that you actually do what you know should not do" - drinking alone, and playing Playstation are fine examples of such...

Your change must come from inside out. There is no one else able to change your life permanently, except you. And it is also solely your life, hence solely your responsibility.

Don't overestimate your initial targets. For example: Go for 15 min brisk walk or so every day straight after work, each day stop in coffee shop (ideally different places) and get a bottle of water / tea / coffee, exchange few words with cashier about weather and move on... Weather is getting better so give it a try and maybe start tomorrow, even if not working...

Definitely choose pretty small steps, write your reasons for why to do something like that brisk walk and also write reasons for what not to do (like TRY not to drink on your own - this one may be harder than it looks) on piece of paper and leave it in your wallet or on your fridge, whatever... AND every time you struggle to figure out what to do, use your manual to choose / avoid certain ones. Tell someone about it (siblings, etc...), if you have good relations with them. They may give you a motivational boost when your initial enthusiasm fade away (yes, it happens)...

Professional advise from online support will be beneficial at the time of planning these changes as it saves you from making mistakes at implementing change into your life, (VHI or whatever your employer HR may have on their portal, it is confidential and outsourced, so people answering the phone wont recognize you), it was mentioned here before by many others for same reasons, I believe...

As you mentioned that you are slightly overweight, consult your future hobbies with health proffesional, as cold water may be dangerous to people with weaker arterias (biggest blood vessels connected directly to hearth) or arterias clogged up by fat from unhealthy food...

If you are given OK for above examples or any other activities , try to challenge yourselves with something like 30sec cold (only cold tap) shower every morning for 7 days and see how it goes. There is release of small amount of good hormones after body is exposed to cold water for reasonable time, this may help you to feel better right from the start of your day... magic will happen in both your confidence for continuously doing something good for yourselves and also your body will get used of benefits from regular cold shower and brisk walks, whatever... If you manage 30sec for week, go for 45sec next week.

Do not hurt yourselves by trying something like dip into ocean because someone on Boards (or on Youtube) said cold exposure can change your life. It has changed mine.

I do not wish you good luck in improving your life, because it is not based on luck, but on dedication. So I end it up with "May the Force be with you!"

RojaStar

Really great advice there 👆. All the talk of kids, relationships and team sports are a bit premature at this stage I would say.

Living Off The Splash

Grow your own vegetables, go foraging for mushrooms (in a group), go fishing, hill walking, visit archaeology sites. Travel.....plan the big trip, maybe go on a group excursion.

There are a huge number of Facebook pages out there dedicated to all kinds of activities. You will meet all types of helpful and knowledgeable people.

Andrea B.

If I was you (and I mean that in terms of no commitments, surplus of salary), I would be taking a weekend away flight away, posibbly once a month and airbnb'Iing it in the multiple destinations available.

Sightseeing, wandering, few beers.

Looking forward and planning such getaways, would possibly also negate some of the boredom.

kravmaga

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961168#Comment_118961168

44yrs old isn't middle age, would ya get a grip ffs. Plus if you have nothing positive to add/offer the OP, dont bother posting negative rubbish.

john123470

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960945#Comment_118960945

^^ this.

No need join a gym. Get a decent bicycle. Lots of phone Apps to tell you distance covered eg. to make it less boring etc. If your interest flags

Increase distance covered each week

You will build stamina, strength, coordination .. breathing will improve, more oxygen in your bloodstream - your level of cheerfulness will rise, weight will drop off

That will do for starters ..

olestoepoke

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960818#Comment_118960818

"At 44 too, the options are very limited for playing team sports. Most competitive players are long retired by that age. Starting out at 44 would be unlikely to work out at all, if he is even accepted. Most sports are focused around young people and on training them up in the game as teenagers, not middle age"

The ignorance in this post is astounding. You really don't have a clue what you're talking about.

It always amazes me how people get away with ageism and yet if they put a person down for their gender or colour of their skin they'd be banned. I had children in my 40s and I played soccer all through my early 40s, and still play astro park every weekend (touching 50 now) with another 16 or 18 guys all in their 40s and some are in their 50s, and many of them never played football before their 40s, shock horror. We are all different and you have no right to put anyone in a box because of their age, it's small minded and bigoted.

As for the OP, find out what interests you, doesn't have to be a physical sport if that's not what you are into, for example I love playing Chess. I plan to join my local Chess club soon, just haven't got around to it yet. Or as one poster said, volunteer for a tidy's town or charity. I know you said you are an introvert but humans are social creatures and even if it's one evening a week you will feel better if you are interacting with others.

SteelyDanJalapeno

Have you got any pets OP?

A few dogs or cats might help if you're lonely

Still stihl waters 3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960708#Comment_118960708

Mid 40s here and expecting our first in the near future, thanks for the vote of confidence, idiot

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B.A._Baracus

I say loose weight op. You would mentally feel better, you wouldn't be drinking as much (as putting in a good effort in the gym makes us not want to drink), you will gain confidence because you will feel you look better and you've more chances when you are slim and fit to find someone.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118960708#Comment_118960708

Rubbish, had my kids when I was 43, and 45

Tork

As I guessed would happen, you haven't returned to the thread to even acknowledge the advice people have taken the time to give you. That's fine - you are under no obligation to come back and update us. But still, I think you should ask yourself why do post about how crap and empty your life is, then do absolutely nothing? I've been reading this very same problem here for years. Don't you think it's time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself and took responsibility for your life. Nobody else is going to, you know. You have the ability to take actual action and make improvements to your circumstances.

Unless you decide enough is enough and do something proactive, you'll be back here in a few years time with an "I'm about to turn 50" version of the original post. You'll still be friendless and living an empty life. You'll likely have gained more weight, you'll still be drinking too much and you'll have a PS6 in your living room. I'm right, aren't I? From what I can see, the only step you ever seem to take towards shaking up your life is to write a hit and run post on boards. In other words, you get all your woes off your chest which helps briefly, then you sit back and do nothing. Worse still, you ignore every piece of good advice you're given by people, you don't engage with the threads you start and you simply continue on as you were.

There is no magic pill that will make your life better and nobody on boards can wave a magic wand to help you. We can advise you until the cows come home but the only person who can start the ball rolling is you. A post on boards might fool you into thinking you've done something about your problem but it is not going to move the dial even a fraction.

ahappychappy

Take a small step on a regular basis. Join a meet up, try a new activity -cooking, photography ? Walking football, tag Rugby etc. Change can only be taken by you. If you want more support or understanding have a think about counselling to help work out your next steps. Self care and self belief will support your goals. Getting into a rut is easy getting out is a challenge and takes motivation so figure out what is your motivation?

ahappychappy

Patsy167

Mens sheds and meetup.com are great for meeting people.

Night courses (Cooking public speaking etc.) are brilliant.

cloudatlas

I'm an introvert and I joined meetup and facebook groups and it's a goal/ experiment for me to do one social thing a week or every other week. Lot's of people who show up are also shy and introverted. One of the best meetups has been a walking group because you're moving, you can look away at your surroundings and you aren't face to face necessarily you can move around easily and talk to different people or just stay silent for a while so you can enjoy the view.

Boardgame groups also attract other nerdy folks. There are groups for gamers as well and training groups for people at box gyms.

It's tough initially but if you take the first step then the next time you go you will recognise people and feel more and more comfortable each time.

Trust me I'd rather lie in bed all day and read but I understand that I need human connection for my mental health if nothing else.