Not sure if i should end things

JimboD1970

Hi All

created a new account so not be identifiable

Myself and the missus got back together a few months back after a 4 year breakup. We have kids together. We were getting on well and things happened and we said we would make a go of it. it was great at the start, both eager, regular sex (which is now more irregular), making plans etc. But in the last month i have noticed a fading/decline.

i am starting to get the feeling i am a convenience and she wants her cake and eat it.2 main issues i have is

1. She is still texting and having phonecalls with her ex who she got with when we were apart, i confronted her on this and she said it was pure friendship. there is another creep who she befriended who is married but clearly chasing, telling her all sorts of stories about his disaster marriage and about how the wife said it was over and for him to with who he wants. to me its a classic long game playing and getting sympathy etc. she says she sees through it but deep down i think she is enjoying the attention
2. we have agreed access dates to which she wants to keep. i have been spending more time with her and the kids as i am trying to build something but i have noticed it seems to be all one way. she said she needs her break still and thats why she wants me to keep access going, but she is conveniently missing that i am over all the time and helping out on the weekend i am not supposed to have access. if i have her same stance then the relationship would be non-existent. i am starting to feel deflated and wondering now have i made a mistake.

...Ghost...

It doesn't look good from your description. The ex is one thing which on its own us questionable, but the contact with the other guy...,yeah, you're a convenience. She is the type who plays the edge game. Never committing and always wanting to be within reach of another plate or 2. I get she wouldn't be pleased if she thought an ex of yours was regularly in touch.

Jequ0n

You never really got back together. And yes, you are one of several options because you are convenient.

Goodigal

That's a long time between break up and make up so it's no wonder there are other men on the scene. It happens. I'd be more concerned about your children and how they're seeing things.

You need to chat to your wife/partner and see where this is going. Are you truly back together with a plan for the future? If so, contact with all exes or the other lad sniffing around has to stop. She may well be enjoying the attention but it is hurting you.

But do think about how confusing it is for the children first. Is dad here now or just visiting or will he be gone again?!

Good luck.

Dial Hard

Four years is a long time to have been apart. Did you go for any counselling etc when you decided to get back together or did you just kind of fall into it? Because if it's the latter then it's highly unlikely that any of the reasons for you breaking up in the first place were ever properly addressed or resolved and now you're dealing with the inevitable aftermath of that.

It's time to sweep everything back out from under the carpet and examine whether your reconciliation is actually workable, in the cold hard light of day and preferably with the help of a professional. "Things happened" sounds like yis ended up in bed together, let lust dictate the heads and that's now wearing off. It doesn't mean you guys can't still work, but you need to approach this like adults.

And for the love of god, as Goodigal said, please spare a thought for how incredibly confusing this whole situation probably is for your children.

spaceHopper

I don't know about ending things but you need to clear the air and find out where you both stand. Talk to her and lay it out, is she interested in a proper relationship with you, can you both sustain it or will the reasons you broke up resurface? Is there anybody else?

FlubberJones

End it and move on, be honest with her and yourself. It doesn't read great at all.

Monkey09

Access dates shouldn't apply if you are back together. I understand she needs time for herself, but it sounds like she wants to keep this routine for a reason. Do you know how she spends these access days? I think it's important to discuss these things and find out if she really does want to make a proper go of things. As things are, it doesn't look too good. It sounds like there could be other benefits to having you around again. I'm sure you're helping out more financially and good with helping out more with the kids too.

1. The kids. Don't fúck with them.
2. The ex: Don't speak badly about her in front of the kids, as that tension messes them up in particular
3. The ex: You need clarity on where this is going, and why it is going there. Kidding yourself with sustaining false hope by virtue of not having home truths explained to you is only going to end in tears. The quicker you have certainty - whichever way it is certain - the quicker everybody can have their peace and move on with their lives. You need emotional courage, in other words, to be straightup and aware and confident of your own value outside the marriage.
4. The kids. See # 1.

marilynrr

Why did you split up 4 years ago and have all of the reasons you split up been addressed and fixed?

Texting the ex and the other man is obviously unacceptable. I wouldn't tolerate that.

Needing her space I can understand especially if the issues that caused the break up were especially traumatic (and mainly your fault). Also once you get used to living alone some people do find it hard to go back to living with someone full time. You said you've been spending more time with her and the kids but how much time is that? Are you still getting plenty of evenings and days and nights to yourself?