Why can't I make the break?

StressedOot

I have been with my husband for almost my whole adult life. It hasn't really been a great marriage.

We have had so many rows over the years. Realistically we should have broken up years ago, many times over!

He has a hair trigger temper and would just sulk, stone wall, ignore, roar, gas light... and he was an alcoholic. I was miserable, he was miserable. God themselves probably couldn't work out why the hell we were still together!

He got sober, but then decided affairs would be a great substitute. sigh

He has got a LOT better with his temper. However, we are just completely unable to communicate about anything important (never really have). I start blabbering and get all upset, or passive aggressive because I'm so furious and can't show it. He does all the behaviour listed above. Nothing gets resolved.

For this, I'm not talking about things that should be rows here- I mean, things like discussions about the upbringing of the kids, how other people we know conduct themselves....but mainly anything to do with us. For example, I wanted to discuss an aspect of our sex life. I brought it up in person. He made a joke out of it. Then ignored me/changed the subject. I then resorted to texting it. He ignored my text. Pretended he never even saw it.

This is what happens. I get too nervous then to "labour" the point, and he gets to not have to discuss it.

Similar regarding the affairs. He got angry about it, wouldn't discuss it, stone walled.

The 2nd affair was the last straw for me. I'm done!

And here is my question: why am I so scared to break up with him?

I just can't seem to make the break. What the hell am I so scared of? Surely being without him can't be any worse than us both being miserable?! Well, I am miserable anyway. I don't trust him. I never will ever again.

Why can't I do it? What the hell is holding me back?!

We will never ever be able to have a mature adult discussion about the affairs and resolve anything, never mind anything else.

What's wrong with me?

For context:

1.I am attending counselling. It's not working. I'm still furious, can't stop ruminating on the affairs.

2.I haven't been single since I was 14. Just went from boyfriend to boyfriend til I met my husband.

3.I lost one of my parents as a child.

4.We have kids. Financial issues are a concern but not insurmountable.

5.He is stubborn and has resisted any talk of moving out in in past. I know he will resist this.

6.Despite everything, he refuses to end it. Why?

But I am DONE. Why can't I just END this? Why am I so scared?

mistress_gi

I've been where you are. I was scared of being alone and ended up kind of doing better the devil you know.

It wasn't until i was physically separated from the ex that i was able to deal with a lot of stuff... And eventually brake it off. I am a little ashamed to say it took 4 years for me to break it off even though i knew full well it wasn't working.

You're situation is hard, kids, i assume financial responsibilities etc. You're scared and so is he but if you're not happy in the situation you have to do something about it.

It sounds like you are done but the fact you can't leave tells me otherwise...

You're the only one in control of your life, if you don't do something for yourself nothing will change...

I've been alone for almost 5 years alone, is it lonely sometimes? yes

Is it better than being with the wrong person? A million times better

I hope this helps a little.

Whatever you decide just make sure you are happy with that decision and never forget you can always change you mind.

Big virtual hugs 🤗🤗🤗

StressedOot

Thank you.

How did you physically separate? Did you move out? I'm considering it even though apparently that looks bad legally.

As regards changing my mind, my husband is the type to hold grudges forever. He didn't speak to his own brother for 2 years over some nonsense, even at their dad's funeral. He cut off a friend, and even when he heard the friend was dying, didn't reconnect (regretted it once they died). If I do this, there is NO going back.

What if I took someone with me? It would make him very annoyed but at least I would have moral support?

mistress_gi

I was "lucky" in that i found a job in a country different than my ex husband (long story) and we had no kids or house etc involved.

So that already physical separation gave me the headspace to make the call.

I think you need to do what's best for you and your kids. I always adk, if your daughter or mother were in the same situation what would you afvise them to do. A bit of perspective goes a long way...

In terms of taking a friend, i don't think it's a bad idea to get some support

mistress_gi

Just to add, if there are material stuff involved that you contributed to and for the sake of the kids i think it would be wise to contact a solicitor before making any decisions.

Liberty_Bear

Certainly one thing to focus on is creating (if not already done so). This gives you scope in deciding with some money behind you what your options are. Finding the confidence to leave a situation like takes a lot of courage and support and its understandable at the hesitance to leave the situation. Weigh up what is good for you - being by yourself or being with him, it takes a lot of reflection. I would also say maybe get a good support network around you if you do not have it. Best wishes whatever you do

marilynrr

Your relationship sounds like it was full of emotional abuse, relationships like that are incredibly hard to leave and unfortunately play havoc with the brain making a person more likely to stay in the relationship instead of getting out of it.

You said counselling isn't working. Talk therapy doesn't work for a lot of people. So don't worry and think you are a lost cause because there are other forms of therapy out there that might work better for you. There are trauma therapies that can help you.

StressedOot

thanks :-)

If anyone had any practical tips or has been in a similar situation?

Or a large boot to kick me up the ar$e?

riclad

Because basically you,ll have to tell him to leave the house,find new accomodation, theres a complex process re financial support ,will he be paying child support,who is the main income earner, are the bills or expenses shared ,is there a shared bank account.You should be keeping a record of all househould bills, your expenses .i can understand while he is reluctant to move out.right now its hard for anyone single to find a flat or apartment for rent and they have to pay a large deposit.It sounds like hes an arrogant selfish person he is not willing to discuss any issues with you ,he would prefer to stay in a bad relationship ,also there may be financial issues .is the mortage still being paid,

My friend got a divorce , it was not hard,eg they lived in a flat ,there were no kids involved He has to pay her financial support, she is on disability allowance since 1998 .i dont know your financial situation ,but if you go to court you,ll probably stay where you are and he,ll have to pay child support and move out of the house.

https://www.flac.ie/ you can get free legal and financial advice here,

re separation and divorce.

its obvious he wants to stay where he is even if the relationship is mediocre or non existant.

About 40 per cent married people get divorced or separated.,

Tork

It's understandable why you can't bring yourself to leave. I think there's a lot of better the devil you know driving your thinking. Leaving aside the likelihood that your husband will be an uncooperative pain in the hoop, the logistics are very daunting. You may not have done this consciously but there is a long list of "downsides" in your mind that are keeping you where you are. It's very hard for women in abusive relationships to finally leave for good (many attempt it numerous times before they stay gone).

Have you spoken to Women's Aid, by any chance? They will have lots of good advice for you, based on the experiences of women like you who have been down this road.