Friends and boundaries.. ?

sporina

Became mates with a guy recently.. he might have had romantic intentions at first but I told him I just wanted to be mates.. and he genuinely seems more than happy with that.

We have met up twice since meeting.. the poor fella is going thru a hard time - divorce..

W have loads in common so lots to talk about - and we get on really well..

Thing is, he is constantly messaging me.. even though we only met 3 weeks ago.. always wanting to meet up.. I'm just finding it a bit too much.. not scaring me as such - but it doesn't sit entirely well with me..

He seems v lonely - many not many mates.. or mayb not close mates.. he's appreciating having someone to talk to - to be kind to him - and I am happy to be his friend.. as I said, we get along and he's a lovely lad - good conversation etc..

But I feel under pressure to message him - meet up with him.. after all, we only met 3 weeks ago, and we met last Fri.. he wanted to meet today but I wasn't free...

I would appreciate some boundaries.. how do I get this across to him without having to say it to him - or hurt his feelings?

As I said, I am more than happy to be mates with him.. but with mayb less intensity from him - if you know what I mean..

TAI

Tell me how

Tell him you are likely going to be unavailable until, say, some evening next week, or whenever works for you, if he'd like to meet up to do something that evening.

If he asks, tell him you have work, family, appointments etc to deal with which means you cannot meet up until then, if he pushes you beyond this, tell him firmly you are only comfortable meeting if you don't feel under pressure and being constantly asked, or having to justify not being available is pressuring to you.

I wouldn't play games as such, but I wouldn't be in any rush to respons to texts either, leave it a few hours, or until the next morning, if he gets annoyed at this and asks why aren't you responding faster, revert to the direction about feeling under pressure.

acequion

It sounds very much like he's into you.Lots of people will accept the "just good friends" tag in the hope that something will develop.This sounds like such a situation. Are you really sure you're not interested? Getting on so well and having loads in common is a great basis for a relationship.

But friends or lovers, too much intensity can indeed be pressurising and it's a tricky one to handle. I agree with the poster advising taking your time about replying to texts. If you respond too quickly he'll think you're a big texter too. As for wanting to meet you more often you're probably going to have to straight out tell him that you just can't. Best excuse there is that you're very busy. Good luck!

YellowLead

He’s just used to it because you have been indulging this level of contact so far. But absolutely nothing wrong with stepping back at this point - just maintain less contact as suggested.

When asked to meet up just say it doesn’t suit, you don’t have to come up with a lie - if you are interested in maintaining the friendship that is. If not you’ll just have to tell him that.

sporina

thanks for the replies.. yes I'm delay replies to msgs.. and just be assertive about when I can meet..

no I am 100% sure i just wanna be mates.. he's wayyyy too needy.. I'd say thats all he wants too.. surely anyone with a romantic intention would play it a little bit cool

YellowLead

Not at all. There are plenty of desperados out there.

But regardless of whether he has romantic or sexual intentions or it’s just friendship, his level of contact and neediness is too much for you so cut down as you said you have decided to do, problem solved.

Meganmilkyway

it seems like a tough situation, on the one hand you want to be there for him, on the other your trying to be clear. Is their children involved? I’d definitely be careful in that way. Have you spoke to him about it yet

Hannibal_Smith

You've known each other for 3 weeks. He's giving you hints as to what a friendship would look like. Don't feel pressured to meet or reply. Tell him you can't meet and don't feel obligated to reply. It's way too intense for people who know each other 3 weeks.

Big Bag of Chips

he might have had romantic intentions at first but I told him I just wanted to be mates.. and he genuinely seems more than happy with that...

... Thing is, he is constantly messaging me.. even though we only met 3 weeks ago.

You only know him 3 weeks. If he had romantic intentions "at first" then he still has them. It's been 3 weeks. This is still "at first" in your relationship/friendship. My guess is he is hoping that you'll change your mind.

If he's a nice guy, good conversationalist, clicked with you, why does he not have any other friends? It's only been 3 weeks. You don't actually really know him at all. So even though on the surface you seem to get on great, you're finding out that aspects of his personality are just too intense for you. Which might be why others have also withdrawn from him. By all means if you can pull back and put boundaries in place. But I think this is, who he is. It'll be an all or nothing scenario with him.

zoobizoo

Some people don't have a great grasp of boundaries.

I remember an ex of mine telling me that she'd made a new great / best friend. My ex then informed me a few weeks later that the new friend had told her to leave her alone. My ex was lonely in a foreign country and had latched on to this girl in the hope of a new best friend / someone to hang out with etc. The girl saw my ex as just someone she'd met casually and she had a wide social circle and she was just another person to hang out with.

My ex had been in constant touch "wanna meet for lunch/drinks/go out" and it all got a bit too much.

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118881493#Comment_118881493

no children involved.. eh no, not spoke to him about it yet... thats why I'm here - asking how to deal wit it.. don't wanna hurt him..

thanks for all the replies.. I am just gonna be more assertive - delay replies.. meet when I can and if I want to.. hopefully he'll get the message that way.. to ease off..

@Hannibal_Smith well if he is holding out hope that I will change my mind about just being mates, he's going the wrong way about it.. totally OTT.. and yes I was wondering the same thing.. he is defo v interesting.. and a good conversationalist.. but I get the impression he has v few mates.. and I wonder why..

anyway.. gonna be less "soft"... take the tough approach.. delay replies.. meet sporadically.. and hope he gets the message without having to say anything

poor fella - feel sorry for him.. I wonder does he not realise how desperate he is coming across? I don't mean that in a nasty way.. but v obv he's v lonely

Hannibal_Smith

@Hannibal_Smith well if he is holding out hope that I will change my mind about just being mates, he's going the wrong way about it.. totally OTT.. and yes I was wondering the same thing.. he is defo v interesting.. and a good conversationalist.. but I get the impression he has v few mates.. and I wonder why..

I didn't suggest he might be hoping you'll change your mind - I'm suggesting he's giving you hints at what a friendship would look like and to not feel pressured to meet him or reply to his messages.

Tork

Big Bag of Chips wrote: If he's a nice guy, good conversationalist, clicked with you, why does he not have any other friends? It's only been 3 weeks. You don't actually really know him at all. So even though on the surface you seem to get on great, you're finding out that aspects of his personality are just too intense for you. Which might be why others have also withdrawn from him. By all means if you can pull back and put boundaries in place. But I think this is, who he is. It'll be an all or nothing scenario with him.

Thoughts very like these came into my mind straight away. It's nice to make new friends but this guy is very full on, isn't he? That sort of neediness isn't attractive at all and I have the feeling that he has pushed away a lot of people because of it. You're being quite kind about him at the moment but it'd be interesting to know how you feel in 6 or 12 months time. I'd be surprised if you're still friends by that stage. You can certainly try not to make yourself available as often, and responding more slowly to his messages. I don't know if it'll change that much from his end though.

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118884478#Comment_118884478

sorry I meant to tag @Big Bag of Chips on the holding out hope part

manonboard

OP, I found that you seem to be a bit less willing to be upfront and honest about your needs with him

I think there are plenty of nice ways to give updates on your boundaries. An example ive used in the past for similar dynamics.

"I'm struggling a bit at this level of contact so don't feel offended if i have to respond less. I just need to manage my energy a bit more strictly else ill burn out. I had some more time a few weeks ago when we met and i hope that helped you, but some other things have started back up in my personal life so i have less energy to talk so much."

I dont know if you want to meet with him or not. So i dont want to comment on that part. If communication etc is this intense and problematic so fast. I feel like the expectations and dynamics in meet ups would also usually be a bit weird. Its obvious he is very lonely, but thats not really your burden. Its up to him to spread himself out to many people to keep the load low on people so its sustainable.

Idle Passerby

Is it a friendship if you only met 3 weeks ago? I'd put that in casual aquaintence territory and his pushiness would have it relegated to aquaintence ship I'd want to downplay and distance myself from.

Augme

There's feeling under pressure because you are being put under pressure and there's feeling under pressure because you've created the feeling of pressure yourself. Everyone approach, needs, wants and desires to communication is different so it's always good to express what your type of style is early.

I'm generally the kind of person who likes to respond texts and emails straight away as I find it distracting knowing there is an unread message or email sitting there. It's just a weird quirk I have. Now while I do reply immediately I do also avoid getting onto conversations for the situations I don't have time to. But I'm always clear when I can talk and when I can't. Worth being a bit more assertive in explaining when you can or can't talk to him OP.

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118889412#Comment_118889412

oh no believe you and me - the pressure is real and it is because I am being put under said pressure.. eg: being asked to msg later etc.. sending me his schedule - saying when he's free.. and asking if I could meet mayb during his free time..

yeah your right - gotta be more assertive.. have put that into action now.. thanks

NSAman

Be honest.

If someone puts me under this sort of pressure, then I am brutally honest. We all have our lives to live.

He may be a loner and this is the reason why. Hounding people who show an interest, is very off-putting.

You may have to have "that" talk with him

I am not saying that the guy wouldn't be a good friend, but boundaries (even in friendships) are to be respected by both parties. When someone is really in need, then friends come to the fore (especially after a long period of knowing someone). Three weeks is not that long a period to become best friends IMHO.

He may be lonely, if this is how he treats people upon meeting them recently, this may be the cause of his loneliness.

Honestly, be frank and open with him. You have a life too. He has to gradually build back his.

NSAman

Hannibal_Smith

After 3 weeks?? No. Absolutely no way would I entertain that. Pressure is not something you should be getting from someone you've known three weeks. I was going to call it a friendship, but sure that's no time for a friendship to have developed. It's sounds claustrophobic. Ignore any messages sending schedules and setting times for messaging/talking. When you're free for a chat and if you fancy meeting up, then you make contact and arrange it.

He’s allowing himself to drift into being emotionally dependent on you. If you aren’t in accord with that you will have to gently insert a wide emotional distance. You will have to become very busy. Turn off message notifications as much as you can. If you think he is in great distress urge him to make use of services like Samaritans or to lean more on a male friend. With guys women often become a mother substitute.

bottlebrush

OP decide yourself how often is enough to meet up with him and work towards that e.g.once a week, once a fortnight or longer intervals. If you are working you could say weeknights don't suit you, are you free on Friday? Then after that say you've something on the following weekend so you'll be in touch during the following week, and so on. Be firm and even if you have no plans, don't change your mind. In other words try and get the frequency of your meet ups to evolve first as well as revolve around your other friends and family.

dubstarr

Sounds like hes replacing his wife for you.

You have become his sounding board and emotional crutch.

You know yourself its to soon for this level of contact.You need to put yourself first and distance yourself a bit. Dont worry about his feelings,hes not worried about yours.

sporina

thanks for all the replies.. think I am ok now.. delaying replies to messages - I think he is getting the msg.. he has asked when I am free to meet... said soon.. (have a lot on which is no lie)..

think I got a big overwhelmed at the start.. but feel ok now.. feet on the ground.. setting boundaries discretely.. being assertive without having to discuss how I feel about it all..

I would love to meet up as buddies from time to time.. like I said - a lot in common - but I ain't gonna be his therapist/best friend/wife/mother or what ever,. just a buddy..

i'd say he has realised that he has come on too strong

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118890585#Comment_118890585

You said it better than me. OP lay down a bounadry, maybe send back a thumbs up to his texts. I do that with friends who have become needy in the past and then Im honest with them as I want them to read between the lines. Agree with recode above

CreadanLady

The problem with that is that some people don't have the cognitive ability to read between the lines.

sporina

no i think the message has been received.. I panicked at first.. didn't know what to do.. felt pressure but didn't wanna hurt him either..