Unable to socialise

Mower_1

Hi,

I'm a male in mid 40's and all through my life I've been socially awkward. Awkward in that I am unable to go out and make a life for myself. The thought of joining a club or doing anything to make my life better is totally alien to me.

I'm living an existence of regret that I have let so many opportunities slip past me because of my inability to grasp life and live it. I've been in counselling on and off for most of my adult life, but nothing can be done to get me out living a life. I hate my existence - I don't call it a life because I'm not living, just existing. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and been on AD's for a number of years. When I come off the AD's which I did recently, things get very dark and bleak.

I've done nothing with my life. Relationshipwise I've never had any. I have no confidence in myself and don't want to put myself out there. Even the thought of putting my photo online is too much for me. Also, who would want to be involved with someone in my state.

My current counsellor says I'm a masochistic as I reject help, pessimistic about my future, concentrate on my faults, rejects things that can make my life better and such like. I know I need to get there and live life, but its a totally alien concept to me and you might as well be telling me to cycle to the moon as go out and join a club, society, etc.

I feel as if I've left it too late now to meet someone and have a family. I feel like such and waster and embarrassment that I just want to hide away and die. But then at other times I want to turn things around, but can't. It's a rollercoaster and I can't handle it much longer.

How do I overcome this? Is it possible? My counsellor says she can't do this for me and I need to do it for myself, but my point is that I can't. I just don't know how people go out and join a club or society or group or whatever. How do I overcome this. Don't tell me just to 'feel the fear and do it anyway' because that blase tripe doesn't work with me.

What is wrong with me and how do I get over it. It already feels like it is too late for me, but before I give up maybe one last try.

Jequ0n

I could be wrong but I think there are many people out there who feel like you.

It sounds like you might be getting caught in the vicious cycle of expecting yourself to have achieved a certain goal by now, and getting frustrated that you didn’t.

You know there is a forum on depression/ anxiety thread where people just vent and discuss their frustrations? Maybe give that one a read as a starting point and you’ll see that you are not alone with those thoughts.

rolling boh

Do you work ? if so is there any way you can start talking to people at work as a starting point it sounds like you need to take small steps to get used to chatting to people .I know its easier said than done but you will have to start somewhere and you will get the practice you need to get used to talking with others .By the way its never too late to improve your life in ways .

KieferFan69

Sorry to hear this OP. I wonder would you try to introduce meditation practice into your life. Try and rediscover the magic and mystery in life and get a handle on intrusive thoughts/regrets. It’s a cliche but there is no point dwelling on the past. A little inner peace might help you with your social travails. There are useful apps that can help you set up a daily meditation routine.

NiceFella

Hi OP,

I might be way off with this, but you seem to me like a hyper analytical type person, very intelligent but probably over thinking many of life scenarios.

I'd say forget about lofty life goals for the moment. Try just get chatting with every day people. For example I'm well known in my local coffee shop, I go in order a coffee and chat about general stuff and it's all very easy going and then off I go with my coffee. You could get to know people on a basic level without having to go too far out of your comfort zone.

Do you have any kind of recreational hobbies? You could explore avenues were people have similar interests.

"Don't tell me just to 'feel the fear and do it anyway' because that blase tripe doesn't work with me.." This comment sums it up. I get the attitude that sucking up your fear is silly from it. I dont understand why You would say the only literal way to get past your fears is to ridicule it. And this way you are standing in your own way.

I'd definitely try meditation, as it has helped me enormously to not over analyse and to have a positive mind set.

Furze99

Do you exercise much? Walking is free & easy. You don't have to talk to anyone, but just getting out into the fresh air and a bit of nature if you can find it and walking will do you good in more ways than one. Do it every day. You will meet people that way, just a nod of a head or a quick passing hello will start you - no commitment in that at all. Opportunities will also arise for longer chats here & there. That'll get you just talking to people, small talk, no commitment. See where it might lead you and you could be surprised.

whaccawhacca

Furze has good advice about getting out every day.

Relationship wise, is it something that you actually want or are you following society expectations? I'm the same age, no relationships, no kids because I don't want either. Think about what you want on those walks and not what other people expect or fitting in with other people's expectations. It's very freeing.

Mower2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118844128#Comment_118844128

Yes, I work. Reasonable job. I liked being in and around folk in the office. But since Covid everyone now works from home and very few have the desire to come back into the office so there is no opportunities there.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118844169#Comment_118844169

Having time to think about things is not a good place for me to be.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118844499#Comment_118844499

Used to love going to the gym. But when Covid started I moved out of my rental back home with parents, thinking it would only be for a few months max. However, I've now been home about 2 years. In that time my father has died and home prices have extended beyond all sane prices for a single buyer.

I'm living out in the sticks and the nearest gym is over 1hr round trip. I try to exercise at home, but it isn't the same. My life was crap before, but Covid has just put the nails into the coffin. I don't see how I can escape here. Suicidal thoughts and wishing my life was ended are creeping in.

Do you have any kind of recreational hobbies? You could explore avenues were people have similar interests.

No. Nothing that I have any passion for. I did like going to the gym before Covid and to movies too. But now, nothing.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118844499#Comment_118844499

I just can't bring myself to go for a walk. I live on a farm. I have work there to do, as well as my job. It is totally alien for me to go for a walk. I just can't do anything that would improve me life.

Mower2

Sorry had to rereg as I lost my login details.

lalababa

There might be an accessible gym at the local gaa club? Immerse yourself in nature and get 3 things you enjoy/don't mind doing and whenever you are at a loss as to what to do then do those things.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Mowers2 thank you for your post and I'm sorry to read what you're going through.

Your main question in relation to your issue is:-

How do I overcome this? Is it possible? 

Yes it I possible, however given what you also say regarding what your counsellor has said:-

My current counsellor says I'm a masochistic as I reject help, pessimistic about my future, concentrate on my faults, rejects things that can make my life better and such like.

I think that while I've no doubt you will receive helpful advice from the posters here in PI, I would be concerned that in light of the above and other parts of your post, it might send you down a dark road.

I therefore think that your situation is a little beyond what the scope of the forum is for and I think your question is something that you need to discuss with your counsellor. They are the person in the best position to be able to help you and who can can help you, so please do reach out to them.

In the circumstances I'm going to close the thread here but wish you the very best in turning your life around to a way that brings you happiness.

HS