First relationship advice needed

Gael23

Been chatting to a guy on Tinder and it’s going well so we’ve started to discuss a meeting together but never been in a proper relationship before so could use some tips.

Couple of newbie questions is how to keep things interesting and not just endless chats on Tinder, is it a case if the spark is there it just happens naturally? Added to this we live about an hours drive or a little more away from each other so wouldn’t be able to see each other as much as ideal . If given time things get serious I’d be willing to move there but far from that just yet. He can drive but I can’t

And I don’t think it matters but were both lads

Dial Hard

You're completely overthinking this, you haven't even met the guy yet. Just go on a date, see if you like him (and vice versa) and take it from there.

Tbh, this seems to be a recurring pattern for you, OP, you've had a number of threads on here where you're second-guessing even the most minor interactions with potential romantic partners. I get that you just want to put your best foot forward but I fear you may be self-sabotaging to a large degree. Forensically analysing literally every single thing you (or the other person) say or do is a) utterly exhausting and b) usually a recipe for disaster.

Gael23

Point taken I do overthink things but I just don’t want to let my inexperience at dating to stand in the way

Hannibal_Smith

Added to this we live about an hours drive or a little more away from each other so wouldn’t be able to see each other as much as ideal . If given time things get serious I’d be willing to move there but far from that just yet.

You're way overthinking things to be calculating distances and considering whether a move is possible!

You maybe inexperienced in dating, but you're experienced in meeting people and assessing whether you like them or not. Meet up and see whether they're someone you'd like to continue seeing and go with it.

Gael23

So your saying just meet him for a date without any expectations and see how it goes?

Yeah just meet up for a date and see how it goes and if ye'd like to go on a second date.

manonboard

OP, Ya gotta stop thinking about all these things being important. The VAST majority of people are incompatible. You need to get some dating experience so you know what to look for to meet your needs.

Your only goals here should be to go and have lots of fun, pay attention to what works, and what doesnt. Then after you collect good information. THEN you possibly make a decision about whether to keep hanging with this person. If so, great, it will end some day and you get to try again. If not, you just try another person using all your new experience.

Dating is like a practice. A life long practice. You get better at it as time passes, you pick better people, you become a better person and you become a better partner.

At the start, with no experience, you have no hope of things going particularly great long term. So just enjoy it and treat it as a fresh experience. Dont think about it much because your lack of experience means you are just boxing it in based on movies/shows/nonsense and not actual experience. If you dont box it in, you will find more sides to it than you can possibly imagine. It will be freeing and safety at the same time.

The Mighty Quinn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118818266#Comment_118818266

Absolutely. Don't bring the weight of expectations into a date, it'll suffocate the date. You're putting all sorts of pressure on yourself to be talking about possibility of moving if it all works out, it's craziness. I know it's easier said than done, but meet him and take it for what it is, live in that moment and see how it goes, 'relax'.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118818266#Comment_118818266

Absolutely. You're not committing to anything. You've already discussed meeting up, so just arrange to meet for a coffee/drink or whatever and see how you get on.

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118818291#Comment_118818291

Trying to have a small bit more optimism!, But I get your point, But we’ve a good bit in common so if we wind up as friends that’s nit a bad thing. I went to therapy when I realised I was gay and something I learned is that you don’t have to be head over heels physically attracted to someone for it to work out. What’s really important is shared values, personality characteristics you care about and even better if you’ve things in common. Guess that goes for a straight relationship too

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118818301#Comment_118818301

I am guilty of trying to run before I can walk in various aspects of life, trying to overachieve in work being another example. Something else I’ve worked in in therapy is that idea of relaxing. Sorry of this is too much detail but it came up after an encounter with someone else where we had sex and I couldn’t preform because I was basically trying too hard to make it happen

Tork

Definitely meet him as soon as you can because at the moment you're little more than penpals. That means you're filling the gaps with your imagination and building this up into something it isn't. You could discover that the pair of you are very compatible online but don't gel in person. Hopefully that won't be the case but online dating is a numbers game.

It's easier said than done but it is better to go on these dates with no expectations. In the pre-dating app days you could filter out the people you didn't fancy simply by seeing them or talking to them. Online, you can't do that and the set of tools you're dealing with are different.

thefallingman

Gael23 you are a serious overthinker, how do i know ? because i am too ! Like others have said go on the date and see what happens, dont view it as a relationship it's just a date. I'm not gay but i would imagine it might be difficult having the first relationship if there was issues coming out, but you've done that now so start living, being young is about having fun before life becomes more about survival

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118818746#Comment_118818746

It was the hardest thing I hope I ever have to do but to be honest once I processed things in my head it got easier.

I guess I feel that took me longer than it should and now in almost 31 and time to find a lad.

Goodigal

I am an overthinker too, but trying to manage it better. So I get where you're coming from. But you're only chatting at the moment so no need to even think about the future.

It's exciting and new when you connect with someone on an app, but do go and meet up very soon and see how you feel when you see him in person. I love when you're meeting for the first time and you know almost straight away if they're your kind of person or not. I know it's new to you, but it's fun and a bit of craic and deffo think ahead too much. Just enjoy their company and see if you're compatible in person. And even better, if you think you fancy him! No big deal if you don't either. Good luck!

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118819125#Comment_118819125

As regards if I fancy him or not, that’s something I’ve kind of learned to not be the biggest decider. I kind of feel it’s more important to have shared values in life, common interests and if he has personality traits I like, these things help build that connection I think. Obviously even better if he’s really good looking!

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118817708#Comment_118817708

For now , you are meeting a potential friend , or meeting a colleague for lunch , if you both have a good time then do it again. If not then so be it. Right now your inner thoughts are so strong they can be read by other people, so work on that.

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118819337#Comment_118819337

And that’s where I was jumping forward perhaps trying to get this right because mybe I was seeing it as meeting a potential future husband

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118820646#Comment_118820646

And there’s nothing at all wrong with that and it’s very admirable, also there lots of potential partners with the exact same goals. If it was me I’d mention that in my profile to get rid of all the gobshites and chancers. Be up front with your date (in a casual friendly manner) that you are not into wasting your time

certainly don’t begin a casual relationship until you are sure the other person has similar goals , suss them out and don’t rush.

trust me there are lots of assholes out there and by being upfront you will filter them out

best of luck !

Just enjoy the moment that’s in it, be it the company, the sex or the event or place you attend together. Don’t expect anything too much, you will likely need to give it more than one encounter to decide if there could be more to follow, unless something seems very wrong on the first one. I always try to deal with such things with a touch of humour.

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118820736#Comment_118820736

Sex on the first date is quicker than even I was thinking😂.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118821316#Comment_118821316

I’m a person of action first 🤣🤣🤣

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118821316#Comment_118821316

But you're already thinking moving and marriage. Can you not see the disconnect there??? I think you reeeeaaaalllly need to calm down.

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118822730#Comment_118822730

I’m not going to propose in the first date though!!

Gael23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118822644#Comment_118822644

Well I mean if he’s of that mindset I’d be happy to oblige but a kiss on the first date is as much as I’d expect

Gael23

So we were supposed to meet tonight

Unti

You could go in a bubble suit maybe. Like the boy in the bubble. 😁

Looks like ye'll have to rearrange. What's meant for you won't pass you sure.

Liberty_Bear

Can i be cheeky and ask how is it going! I hope it works out fella

Hannibal_Smith

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please do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids putting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread.

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Thanks

HS

Gael23

I got a pretty nasty dose of Covid and only just yesterday gone back to work but we’ve been chatting a good bit.