Advice - TikTok

kat20

Hi,

I just wanted to get a bit of advice. I decided to join tik tok today for the first time after encouragement from friends. I was adding my friends and added my fiance and thought I'd take a look at who he is following to see if there was any good accounts worth a follow.

He only has 100 followers but the first 9 were very openly sexy girls not celeb or known to him girls just random but quite out there in their content and one of them is even 23 years old! He is 34 I am 32.

I just think it is inappropriate we are engaged and he is looking at a girl who is over a decade younger then him!

To make it worse two of the accounts are so new he is following they were created less then a week ago when I had just had minor surgery and was in quite a bit of pain recovering at home with family.

He is away at the moment not back till Sunday so I can't even talk to him about it till he is back but I just wanted advice. Am I overreacting about this? I know some people accept this might not be a big deal but it is to me.

Jequ0n

Yes, you are overreacting. You are offended by an adult looking at another adult’s pictures.

riclad

i think you are over reacting, quite out there content, does that mean sexy flirtatious type content ?

Esse85

I think it's a little silly and immature of him to leave a paper trail like that.

Not sure what your problem is with the fact these girls are in their early 20s tho, what's the issue you have with that?

Most men find younger women more physically attractive.

redlipgloss2

Having experienced the same from my BF and exes before him, is this something that is just to be accepted from men?

Women should just put up and shut up?

@Esse85 More physically attractive? So are you saying women in their late twenties and older are not attractive? Could you be anymore degrading towards women? I’m sure you are perfect yourself.

Men who work on themselves and keep physically fit and in good shape without receding hairlines and are good in bed who have basic cop on and interesting to talk to are obviously more attractive to women too but I don’t see women on social media ramming that down their partners and husbands throats for everyone to see because it may deemed be hurtful and damaging to their relationship.

So a man who is engaged and has essentially taken a women in her prime years off the market should probably not be online creeping on young womens profiles and liking them for all to see. It’s sleazy and disrespectful.

Theres a big difference between liking a few pictures on Megan fox’s or a beach babe in Brazil on Instagram or FB and a wan who is a stone throw away in the next town with her arse out infront of the mirror in her bedroom I think anyway.

OP, it’s not ok. You should talk to him about it.

Esse85

What I'm saying is what I said in my original comment. Please stick to what I said not what you think I may have said.

It's clear you don't like what your hearing but being a man, they are the home truths for most men, and whether you like it or not, that's life. It's not degrading at all, I've often heard and read on here that men are more attractive as they age and get into their 40s, should I feel offended or like that's degrading to men reading that? Grow up and get a reality check and stop with the sensitive Sally approach.

Big Bag of Chips

@redlipgloss2 and @Esse85 You are posting in an advice forum. Your posts are expected to offer constructive advice to the OP rather than argue particular points with each other.

Please only post in this thread if you are going to offer advice to the OP.

Thanks

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118802979#Comment_118802979

@Big Bag of Chips OK. Noted and edited.

OP should address her concerns with her fiancée. It’s not right or respectful to her.

Not speaking for others, but for me, yeah, i meet and interact with attractive men every week, see attractive men at my gym and other places. Do I go online and creep on them and “like” them? Absolutely not. I am committed to my relationship and know what could potentially hurt someone as they may see it but also, it’s a fleeting thought and I move on.

Going online, searching for someone, liking photos and whatever else is a different level. Especially if they are local enough. IMO anyway.

OP should stand up for her standards.

If you and your other half are into social media, then it includes following all sorts of people. I'm not sure why you think you should have any say in who your other half follows.

Over reaction. It's the internet, not real life.

YellowLead

OP would you have an issue with your fiancé watching porn? To me this is kinda similar. If he’s chatting with these woman then yeah that’s another level, but if he’s just following them and watching their videos it’s the same as looking at porn in my book.

Is everything else all good, as in this is the only thing that worries you? Would be a shame to lose your faith in him based on this one thing. I get your initial reaction especially if you have insecurities about the relationship - but if you look at is as just porn then it’s really no big deal. It was the same with a guy I dated previously he’d spend ages on Tiktok watching young women ‘dancing’ and my initial reaction was...gross...but then I realised I had no issue with him looking at porn so this was no different in my head.

Heres my thoughts on this, (and it will probably be the unpopular opinion, but that won't be a first).

Men will always look at other women. Even men who are in happy, fulfilled relationships, will occasionally look at other women. I believe in the theory that it's natures way of urging the male of the species to "spread their seed". And unfortunately, the women who are in relationships with these men will usually feel disrespected by it. Its much the same with guys watching porn, as yellowlead posted above.

Given the frequency that such problems seem to be come up on this forum, finding out that your guy is looking at stuff online is becoming a much bigger issue in relationships now then it used to be, and I think it happens so much because it's now so easily available. Everyone has a smart phone and internet access at their fingertips. In the past, if guys wanted to look at pictures or videos of women they had to go into a newsagent and buy a magazine of the top shelf, or visit the adult section in a video shop. For most men, it stops at looking.

So my advice to anyone on this is - unless your partner is actively trying to initiate meeting up with these women, or messaging them, then try not to take it personally. Its not a reflection on you.

By all means, have a conversation about it and where your personal boundaries are. But recognise that you cannot police someone's thoughts.

(And by the way, women look too).

babliss2009

I’d like to send a hug to you OP.

You already know this, but it’s up to you where your boundary is. If you’re looking for a yardstick from a sample of people, then I’d find the age gap a bit weird (no logic to that, I mentally see 23 as much younger than 25!) but not the checking out of videos; and I’d judge a lot more how he interacted with people when I was there.

FWIW if it bothers you and you’ve interrogated your feelings, I don’t think you need to justify it - your other half does deserve a decent conversation about it but I don’t like the general narrative of “men be horny” and woman should be fine with the concept of being judged by their physical appearance .. (even though we all like looking at good looking people! Me included. It’s the idea that for women, youth = desirability and that’s a decreasing value)

I hope it goes well whatever the outcome

Big Bag of Chips

I would suggest these accounts aren’t “real” accounts. You say they’re not people known to him, so I can only assume he doesn’t go looking for them, they found him and he just accepted the request. We’ve all gotten requests from these lovely ladies and men. Telling us how they like our profile picture and think we should be friends or something similar. Most of us delete and block straight away. But obviously they get enough clicks and follows to make whatever it is they are doing worthwhile.

I completely understand your upset. We all like to think our partner only has eyes for us. I also think what would bother me about this is that this is publically announcing to anyone in his friends list that he’s looking at this stuff. People tend to keep their porn viewing private. I’d imagine he doesn’t even look at these pages much if at all. He might even not remember following them. I’d say it to him. Tell him you noticed he’s following quite a few random, scantily clad girls, and tell him that everyone else can also see he’s following them.

I wouldn’t like it. Because, personally, I wouldn’t be following accounts like that myself. I’d think it quite immature, rather than sleazy, down to the fact he’s “publically” liking the content. Depending on who he has in his own followers list he mightn’t like them to see it either. Say it to him. He might get defensive, he might get embarrassed, or he might not even be too aware that these account are in his list.

Communication is key. He might dismiss your concerns, or he might take them on board.

Still stihl waters 3

I'm very happily married to a woman a decade younger than me and I still look at porn and other woman online, it means nothing just something to look at while having a tug or browsing because that's the way men are wired

it means nothing and you'll be the one making something of it and most of my friends are the same, also my wife has seen(caught) me looking and we've had this conversation and she doesn't care, it doesn't diminish my love/attraction to her, its you that'll be making a problem out of it and if other parts of your relationship are going well then it's a silly thing to get caught up on

Mongfinder General

The OP should stand up for her standards, dead right. If the OP thinks that she can do better than this guy than she should drop him.

Unfortunately, there is way more pressure on women to settle. Biological clock being one factor. Looks start to fade too. And this is what men are initially attracted to. Most women I know want a high value man, one who can provide protection and security.

But this is becoming less and less of an option. High value men are refusing to marry/settle - too big a risk to their assets. Confronting this could backfire - I would chose my words carefully.

As an example of the way men are starting to think the OP should check out some of the red pill talks on YouTube. Rich Cooper gives talks/advice to men, sometimes women on relationships.

Surely this is just like watching TV. Do you get upset when he watches women on TV?

Oh God, reading this thread I am so glad I'm the age I am with grown up kids. When I dated and married there were no smart phones, the only competition was in real life and you could deal with that. You knew where you stood ..... real women were real women, not inflated, filtered, image obsessed social media starlets with enhanced butts, pouting over inflated lips, fake hair, fake nails, fake tan.

Back then I was more intimidated by women who were smarter and cleverer than me, i.e. a degree in law (I was a lowly clerical officer). My husband had an ex-girlfriend who was a Solicitor and that made me more insecure than looks!!

How life has changed and not for the better. Men had far more respect (in the circles I was in) for their girlfriends and partners then, and indeed it would have been a big deal to have your boyfriend lust and look at photos of Linda/Karen down the road in her bra and thong (I'm not talking about porn)!! It would just have been so disrespectful and a deal breaker in many cases.

There are far more challenges to relationships now than ever. Social media has so much to answer for and people don't even see how unhealthy it is as this generation have all grown up with it and think it's normal. I'm glad I'm not having to deal with these issues, I'd hate it.

skallywag

OP, would you feel much more comfortable with this if she was 33?

I really find the age angle you are putting onto this totally bizarre, I am really struggling to see the relevance ...

Liberty_Bear

Then you need to lay down a boundary in your relationship and agree what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. We cannot tell you what your values are and if they are acceptable, you need to agree to what you find acceptable with your husband. To me I had exes who regularly (gay btw) looked at men and I dont feel threatened by it. He cheated in the end but that was more about his own psychological make up rather than his looking at other men. The old adage you can look at the menu but eat at home rings true. Im very comfortable in who I am and indeed think an open relationship might be for me but I will agree boundaries before hand. What you feel is not wrong lets say that however you still got to ask does it reflect on something you might feel in terms of insecurities or is he going out there to literally meet these women. In my own personal opinion I would write it off like reading the page 3 in the Sun or looking at one of those pop stars cavorting around in the near nip in a music video. My parents had this conversation a few years ago and they dont mind each other admiring, its a perfectly natural state of being to me.

Wishing you the best

CreadanLady

Just to add another point here, following someone is not the same thing as interacting with them one to one a regular basis or even acknowledging them at all.

I just looked at my instagram there, I see that I follow 1283 people. In that 1283 are all types and shapes and ages. Friends, family, aquanitences, friends of friends, and other people I know very tenuously or knew at one but have since forgotten about them. Are some of them attention whoring booby profiles, yeah probably. But just because I am following them doesn't mean I actually follow them in a real sense - i do a quick scroll now and again just to see who is at what when I am bored. I am not frantically searching for the booby profiles so I can yank myself off around the clock to them. That is not the way social media is used by most people. Following is just a largely passive thing.

If you showed me 200 or 300 of the profiles I am following on instagram, I probably couldn't tell you who a good chunk of them are or when or why I followed them.

I think the OP is a bit naive and a bit ignorant of the dynamic of how social media works and is used by people nowadays, and is attaching far more significance to her "discoveries" than she should.

km991148

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058237805/advice

I think you are overreacting on this specific incident (unless there are more detail - but you don't really know the content of those other channels) - but I get them impression there is more to this. That you don't feel cared enough following the surgery or that there are bigger issues at play here and they are just being surfaced through this specific incident.

If your partner is just having a bit of a perv and you don't like that.. then choose a new partner.

VickiB

Big hugs to you OP. I think without knowing what your boundaries are i.e if your not bothered if he looks at porn..etc it’s best to have the conversation with him.

If all other aspects of your relation are solid..you have a good sex life/ intimacy, you feel loved..then this is probably something minor. if it’s something you don’t feel comfortable with though say it, if it continues after that then there is a problem.

No we don’t own our partners however if we make them aware we are uncomfortable with something or it’s upsetting they should at the very least respect that and vice Versa. Everyone is different I might hate this..Susan down the road may have zero issue with it. Decide how you feel yourself, have the conversation with him and go from there.

TheTruth89

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058237805/advice

Do yourself a favor, delete tik tok. You are going to create a big arguement over absolute nonsense and put yourself in foul form.

Let it go.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118802979#Comment_118802979

More and more women are going for younger men now, because younger men are massively attracted to them, they also don't have much of the emotional baggage that men in their 40s etc have, they also don't have any issues with ED, they find them more fun and so on.

So it works both ways. I bet the OPs fiance would find it very weird and uncomfortable if she followed a load of early 20s men who were regularly posting gym selfies etc and she was clicking follow on their accounts faster than they could get their tops off!!

Ficheall

I don't have tiktok, so could be misunderstanding, but is he following these women back? My twitter is full of spam sexy follower bots - I don't follow them. And being bots, they're more likely to be newer accounts.

And on the age thing - about 70% (according to a quick google) of tiktok users are younger than him (I wasn't even aware grown-ups used it)...

DublinWriter

I get this all the time on TikTok as a male. Even though I haven't posted a single video, I get at least three new followers a week who all appear to be younger women with whom I've never interacted with before.

They're all spam bots. I bet your husband has his face as his TikTok profile picture?

tea and coffee

That's true Dublin Writer. A colleague manages an account for her manager, who is male, and says he gets bikini women following all the time. Tiktok seems to actively push these sorts of profiles based on the person's details (male, certain age)