No friends in my 50's

Midlands Minnie

Hi everyone, I am going through a lot at the moment, moderate depression, rejection, failure, no confidence or self esteem but I will be tackling those when I see my doctor on Friday. To add to this, I have no one to talk to as I have no close friends. I fell out with my best friend of 40 years, 3 years ago after a long list of her letting me down constantly. I am married but he is a homebody who hates going anywhere and if we do, he complains for days afterwards of how tired he is, he also goes to bed at 9.30. He doesn't really care for birthdays or Christmas either and gets in a bad mood when putting up decorations, I used to be fanatical about these but he has driven the joy out of it I had no party, flowers, taken out for dinner for my 50th which I still haven't forgiven him for. I have no children and no family and I live in the middle of nowhere. I am lucky that I live very close to my job (which is stressful) and I have friends there but no one will go with me to nights out or the pictures or things like that. I have asked but no one will give a definite yes. I have joined clubs and its the same. Despite what I have written above, on the outside I am happy, funny, love hugs, very quick witted and will do anything for anyone. I tell filthy jokes and my customers love me and have written to my boss praising my customer service skills. It kills me when I see former close friends on FB going out for drinks or going away on girls weekends. I dont know what I am doing wrong. Its terrible the loneliness I feel. Its like I am invisible. So, I am wondering has anyone else felt this way so I dont think its just me. Thanks for reading. x

amdublin

I am sorry to hear all of this. I think it is great you are going to your doctor to talk about it all

Tell me how

Well, let's look at things a little differently.

You are married and do occasionally go out though not as much as you'd like. You have a job and have friends at work though again, you don't get to go out as much as you'd like. You have a lot of interests and are only lacking someone to experience them with.

The reality is most people have very few close friends and the older we get, the more this can be the case as people focus initially on their family and then are in a fixed routine they are comfortable with. I wouldn't take FB as any sort of an indication what other people are doing as that is not a true reflection of what is going on at all and will drive you crazy if you allow it to.

It can be harder to make friends the older we get for a few reasons, we are all set in our ways and less tolerant of people who might be 90% fine but we don't like maybe 10% about them. We can also be less inclined to invest the time in to forming a friendship, it's true, some people have life long friendships that allows each party to drift apart knowing that they'll connect again when they can.

You mentioned a host of things that are bringing you down, all of them are probably intertwined and it would appear to me (completely unmedically educated) as I am that therapy might be progressive for you but if you explore it, I would suggest you do so to understand why you feel a particular way rather than as a means to find out how to make friends.

Unfortunately, I am in a similar position, I'm living abroad the last few years and have made some friendships but they are more acquaintances than real friendships and I miss that connection I had before. I'm in my 40's for reference. I've come to feel that a real friendship is essentially a platonic relationship and can be very hard to find and takes a lot of effort to maintain. Even some people who on the outside appear to have been friends for years can often only be close on a particular level. They might play golf once a week but have never met outside the golf course for example, so again, take the social media posts with a pinch of salt.

I would suggest to you to keep doing things you enjoy moreso than things to meet friendships and may when exploring things with people, ask them what do they like to do and then maybe asking if you could join them at some point, but don't immediately make it sound like you are asking them to be 'your friend'. Let it happen organically and don't put pressure on others to be what you want them to be. Also, if you haven't specifically spoken to your husband about this, maybe do so, are there things that he would like to do that you have never done with him? Maybe if you were willing to go to a car show (just picking random example) he might like to go for a nice lunch or dinner on the way home.

P.S. I'm not suggesting it's your persona, it didn't generally come across in your post but being a woman in their 50's who is proud of telling 'filthy jokes' might be a barrier for some people to get closer to you.

Midlands Minnie

Thank you so much for your reply and it has given me another insight into why friendship these days are hard to come by. I will be going into therapy as soon as I can save up for it but will be looking into therapy covered by our health insurance as well as I do need it. I absolutely see your point about seeing if things can develop organically and I really dont just blurt out lets go for drinks and such, I mention it in passing if a film that is coming out, would anyone go with me to see it and it hurts when no one replies. Also I understand about the filthy jokes bit, even though I am in my mid fifties, I look and feel a decade younger and to be honest I dont act my age and I really dont want to and that's just who I am. I tell jokes, dirty or otherwise in a setting where jokes are being told so I dont think that is a reason. Otherwise everything you have said is spot on and I will think on this, it has made me feel a bit better as well so thank you.

Liberty_Bear

There is a disconnect between your partner who is a homebird and you who wants to experience life. You can leave your husband at home and let him do his own thing, you know at the end of the day that is his thing and focus on expanding your friends circle. On International Womens Day I read about these Womens Sheds which do a lot of activities and could be a conduit for meeting people. I do know Bumble (its not just a dating app) has a function for meeting like minded friends whom you might want to hang out with. Meetup.com has a list of various activities from womens hiking to rugby to crochet to book clubs and all stuff in between.