Partner's Toxic Friend

timmyjimmy

Hi all, any thoughts on this?

My partner has this one friend who is quite toxic. There has been so many times where this toxic friend has caused a scene and is pretty much a nuisance. There are other times when this friend is also great craic, it's hard to know which one you will get on a night out.

We've argued about her behavior so many times but my partner doesn't like my point of view, she's pretty loyal to her friend.

There was an event a small while ago where my partner invited a colleague of hers along. I really like this colleague and thinks she's great fun. My partners toxic friend went of her way to treat my partner's colleague with contempt but my partner didn't do anything about it and things were pretty awkward, she just spent some time with her colleague away from the aggressor.

I found the above behavior quite difficult to deal and i've had many arguments with my partner about this.. how would any of you deal with the above situation?

Big Bag of Chips

Never go out in company with your partner and this friend. You can socialise separately. Just let your partner know that if her friend is going to be there you'll give the night a miss.

I don't particularly like my friend's husband. So I'm rarely in his company. I socialise with her, without him.

timmyjimmy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118611599#Comment_118611599

Point taken but I actually get on quite well with all the rest of my partner's friends, I would still like to go with them. Chances are, she may be there too.

It's hard to know what advice you're looking for then, you want to go out when your partner's friend maybe out too, but you don't want her to be?

Sounds like you're trying to find someway of persuading your partner to dump her friend?

timmyjimmy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118611634#Comment_118611634

It's really how I deal with the toxic behavior with my partner? My partner tells me turn a blind eye or why does it bother me so much. It really makes me uncomfortable do and I can't understand why it is tolerated.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118611662#Comment_118611662

Well then the best thing to do is so not be in this person's company. I wouldn't spend time with anyone I disliked that much.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you ever challenged her? Your partner has decided to deal with her behaviour by ignoring it. You don't have to do the same. Pull her up on it.

timmyjimmy

I can avoid at times but my real question is how do I deal with the arguments with partner? Her Name comes up quite a bit and I can't pretend I like her.

jolivmmx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118611728#Comment_118611728

In the same way that your partner has a right to be her friend, you have the right to not like her. Your partner must respect this. It is a pretty standard part of grown-up relationships: your likes and preferences will not always coincide

RoTelly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118611606#Comment_118611606

I know some a few like this, she has massive problems and she possibly doesn't realize it.

She genuinely charming and next time you see her she is angry. It's a personality disorder. She lost all her friends in the end.

I feel sorry for them. The second person came from a much better family who genuinely cared for her, only knew her as a colleague but really want to tell that her family were really there for her.

Your partner and her friends need to slow move away from her if she can't seek the help that she needs.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't argue with your partner. Her friend's behaviour is not her fault. Why do you keep arguing with your partner? It's not changing anything and just causing bad feeling. The one causing the problem is the one you have a problem with. So deal with her yourself. Not expecting your partner to fight your battle for you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118611728#Comment_118611728

But why argue or what are the arguments about?

She's your partner's friend, you don't have to like her.

Pistachio19

Keep a distance form her on nights out. Just chat to the others. Tell your partner you would rather not discuss her at all. That way you cannot argue about her. I do agree with pp that she needs to be called out on her behaviour, as otherwise she will continue to get away with being toxic. However it doesn't appear that your partner is going to be the person who will call her out.

Liberty_Bear

My da and my mothers best friends do not get on and have not for years. My ma has seperate nights out and it suits them both. I would suggest perhaps this would be best for all parties concerned. Were you to try seperate them there is a good chance it would result in a backlash.

witchgirl26

OP there could be reasons behind it all that maybe you're not privy too and that your partner isn't sharing because they're not hers, they're her friends and not appropriate to share. Truth is, you don't always know what's going on with someone else which causes them to act out like that.

How long have they been friends? I wouldn't take too kindly to my partner critising one of my long-term friends repeatedly. They don't need to be best buds or even get on to a great degree but be willing to keep the peace at least for my sake.

It could also be that the friend suffers from jealousy when it comes to your partners friendship. I know my sister is like that with her best friend - she's trying to be better but she does find it hard.

spaceHopper

So your partner brought a work friend out and her other fiend got jealous and caused a fuss embarrassing the work friend - can you partner not see that this could affect how she is viewed in work?

I'd still go out with your partner and other friends, it they are there I'd simply be polite to them but not engage with them or put up with the drama. Tell them they are much more fun when they cut the drama out and could they stop if they kick off.

My wife has friend like this and she's ended up been dropped by everybody.