Pls somebody help! At my wits end - Divorce!

LaShalom

THE BACKGROUND: I've been married for what will be 25 years this year. We are both naturalised Irish citizens. The marriage has been abusive in many ways, one of the reasons I ran away to Ireland (at 3 years of marriage to try to start a new life on my own). I met someone but husband begged to start anew with promises to change. I allowed him to join me here in Ireland (told him about the relationship - which I ended) and we started the journey - my mistake! For the next 20 years I became a slave and endured different kinds of abuse (because for some reason I felt that I did not give things a better try initially). He held this over me, saying I cheated on him - even told my children. I worked FULL TIME, raising 4 children with barely any help from hubby and paying mortgage and half of my income in childcare. Not surprisingly I was penniless, lost a lot of promotion opportunities due to lack of support. Your man became a community leader of sorts - totally revered and I was his subject. The abuse in all forms - locked out of my own house for days, physically assaulted by even his family members in his presence, being pushed down the stairs, required to hand over my pay check, not allowed to visit my family or they visit me. Eventually I found out what a narcissistic disorder was, and knew I was wasting my time and decided, after many failed attempts and interventions to file for divorce. He vowed to make my life a living hell and he has!

One of my children was diagnosed with ASD, and needed A LOT of support, I had to quit my job in the civil service to take care of him. So I applied for legal aid for my divorce proceedings. It's been 4 YEARS and we have not even been to court yet! Proceedings have not begun. I am barely able to speak with my solicitors, and your EX is doing all he can to drag his feet. He has not even submitted any affidavit, What is worse, he refused to move out, so we live in the same house, it is extremely TOXIC. I tried 4 years ago, when I could not get service for my asd child (no school space) to move to the UK where my family are, at that stage I persuaded him to agree to let me and the children leave for my child's sake, which he agreed to in exchange for me not ending the marriage. I figured he couldn.t hurt me if we were apart, and tried to persuade him to seek help for his extreme anger outburst, he had stop anything physical (because I once got the courage to call the guards) but was EXTREMELY VERBALLY abusive. I lived in morbid fear of him!

Once in the UK, things didnt change, he would rant and rage on the phone for every little thing and surrounded by family, I got courage to tell him it was over! I met someone I knew from childhood, but this time I did not start a relationship. He got to know there was someone in the picture, and filed for the children to be return to Ireland, we had been in the UK less than 6 months, the children had settled and were happy but it didnt matter. They came home for christmas as agreed before and he served me the court papers and would not let them returm to UK. I had taken a hefty loan for the move paid my lease upfront and was now in dire straits.

I eventually moved back to Ireland, after 3 month it took for me to pack up, contact services, to be with my children who within the 3 months he had totally brainwashed against me. He tells everyone I abandoned the children. However, The case was dismissed but my DV countercase was upheld and he had to give an undertaking (safety order) beacuse I had audio recordings but they were over 2 years old.

My Questions:

What can I do about my legal aid in activity. We have been in the same house, he takes care of energy bills, I take care of the children's upkeep - food, meals, medicals clothing, after school, back to school everything. The mortgage is taken care of by a part of the house we had converted to a studio flat (we were lucky to be on a tracker mortgage and we are on a reduced rate). He has full control of the rental space - tenants, rates, etc and also pays the mortgage. Our house is falling apart - he will not do repairs nor allow repairmen in! If I call repair men he threatens then and scares them away - I have videos of this. I have won my children's faith back, but they are too afraid of him to even admit they are afraid - if that makes sense. Their mental health is affected by this delay.

I cant afford to get a private legal help. My legal aid centre has gone through 5 changes of solicitors, some only there for 3 months, but no movement. Your man gave them the excuse that he was looking for a solicitor for a year and a half. Lockdown was horrendous.

Can/Should I leave the house? I tried to speak with the women agency, but I was told i have to sign away my rights to the house to get any kind of housng support. Also my children will be too afraid to follow me. I can leave with the one that depends on me for care, but it will be harmful to that child's development to separate from siblings. I dont even care about the house or support, I just want my children. And I am not even looking for sole custody or anything. Somedays I loose the will to live as it is so overwhelming and I see no way out.

Can I change solicitors?

is there a length of maximum time legal aid must take or is it as long as it takes? Can I complain? How am I sure they will fight for me when I can't even get to speak with them? is there any other option

Ex is using this time to play catch up - build up history in attempting to be involved in the children's care and welfare - which he has never been. Jostling to be at the therapists - OT, Speech, Behavioural and all the slew of services that a child with autism requires, but not really hands on with the care. I am caring 24/7 barely sleeping, does not lift a finger with house work/chores, and challenges my authority with the children, making it near impossible to make a home.

Do you think they will sell the house - it is in negative equity. Is there any chance he will get the children... I am so confused. His best friend is a soliciitor .. so I know he is getting advice....

I am so sorry about the long post, I have followed posts here for so long and never had courage to post.

Pls advise me any way you can about what my options are. I cant take it any more... The strain of a child with autism is enough on its own but this....

Thank you

elioh

Hi LaShalom,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, it must be very difficult for you and your children.

Yes, you should make a formal complaint, to your solicitor and (as your case has gone through so many solicitors) to the managing solicitor of your legal aid centre, about the lack of progress in your case. There is information on the Legal Aid Board's website on how to make formal complaints.

Four years is a very long time to be waiting, especially as your former spouse still hasn't accessed legal representation for himself or completed his Defence and Counterclaim. As your ex-husband has shown he is unwilling to participate, a motion in default can be sought for your case.

Yes, you can make a request to change solicitors. The Legal Aid Board's website also has information on how to request a new solicitor.

Please ask your solicitor about your housing and your options (I know this is easier said than done, given your current solicitor is not very responsive! Whether you stick with your current solicitor or get new representation, request a meeting so you can get answers to your questions).

I can't answer your question about whether the house will be sold. The courts will try to prioritize the housing and wellbeing of the dependent children in their decisions. Based on your post, you are the main caregiver and provider for the children, it is extremely unlikely they would give sole custody to him.

I hope this was somewhat helpful and I wish you the very best.

LaShalom

Hi. I am very grateful for your response! I have just received his defence today. He is looking for joint custody.

I will pose my questions about the house to the solicitors. I really wish it wouldbe sold as it will cost a lot to repair. I will update. Thank you