Back in contact - head melted

HereWeGo-Again

Deleting this out of fear of being identified.

Very grateful to all posters.

Do what you should have done at the start: don't get involved or engage flirtatiously with a man who is married and has kids.

Ignore

Jequ0n

You can’t change the past, incl conversation 2. You can, however, decide to move on and block him before you get totally sucked back in.

You were a bit of fun on the side, nothing else. He is now checking if you can reheat the easy going fun. You know yourself that this will never be more.

I’d normally say go for it if you are having fun, but your emotional response to the rekindled contact means that this will not be good for you. It’s up to you but I can’t see this ending well for you.

Yurt2

I'll echo the above poster. Block all avenues of contact. You're enabling a womanizer and a narcissist. Remember, there's a woman out there he's married to who is having a mockery made of her life, and though they are his vows to keep, you're facilitating this mockery by keeping the charade going. There are also the kids dealing with an absent father while he's running around the country womanizing. Don't be a part of this mess and don't prop it up. Get out and stay out. For your own sake, the sake of the wife/kids, the sake of the universe, and learn a lesson from this.

Best of luck.

YellowLead

He's married - you’re a bit of fun, an escape - a crutch even. But you are not his one true love - he will cheat on his wife with many others if they let him.

One thing I would I say is - he didn’t put your sexual health at risk - you did! It takes two to tango condomless.

Send him on his merry way, don’t be his doormat.

LilacNails

Op,

U need to take back the control here. He has taken up too much time and space in your head. You are suffering and you have suffered enough.

People who truly care and some bit decent, do not behave like this guy does nor would they play these kind of mind games. And I think you know that.

You need to make it very clear you no longer will have any contact with him nor do you want him to contact you. Yer not friends. There's nothing there only this twat getting what he wants.

You either block his number or get a new number.

And don't beat yourself up over speaking to him again, we've all done it myself included. Ya it's so annoying but it's honestly not as bad as you think.... Your human you were genuine about him. Temptation was there, it's really hard to resist. But do not fall into the trap of doing it over and over again.

Your self respect and worth, it's worth owing then giving into a guy like him.

Move on to a decent guy and loom after yourself.

TheadoreT

I mean it's about the most straight forward block and move on imaginable.

Whats the happily ever after in your head that's keeping you hanging on here? He leaves his family and kids, stops shagging around and becomes your devoted partner?

It's not easy to come to terms that you're only a mere piece of dirt to someone you care about but you're only destroying your confidence further by giving him more opportunities to prove that to you over and over

Tork

Should this thread really be called "I'm in love with a married man and I'm hoping that he'll change and stop being a lying philanderer"? You don't need to be Einstein to work out what's going on here. This guy is obviously skilled at chatting up the ladies and you appear to be just one in a line of women he has charmed into bed. For all you know, he has been shagging all around him since he first met his wife. He now has you on the back burner, knowing that he can work on you if needs be. As the saying goes, when somebody tells you who they are, you should listen. You know what you have to do here and you don't need a PI thread for that.

storker

Dump him. Now.

Caranica

Block all avenues of contact and move on. You can get involved with whoever you choose but when that person becomes manipulative and narcissistic slam that door shut hard and don't look back.

The fact that you haven't just ghosted this fella and blocked all avenues of communication tells me that you're enjoying this seedy little affair.

Not only is this fella cheating on his wife but you also found out that he has been planing his timber inside (at least) one other woman.

You're the other other woman.

You know you should feel guilty, but you don't. That's your inner turmoil.

AyeGer

He cheated on his wife with you, then cheating with someone else. He is hardly trustworthy is he? As the saying goes if he'll do it with you he will do it to you. And you probably know you shouldn't be getting involved with a married man in the first place. You know the answer to this is to cut all contact. So why are you not? Do you hold out some hope of a relationship or are you just missing the fun/sex?

I think you have some hard questions to ask yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

I noticed some elements of emotional manipulation

Everything about him is manipulation. Everything. Designed to get what he wants, when he wants it. He doesn't care about you, his wife, or the many other women he is sleeping with. It's all about him.

he reached out in turmoil with problems.

I'm sure he did. Diddums. Having multiple affairs will do that to a person.

Simple question: Why have you not blocked his number?

cuttingtimber22

I think you have got really good advice here. Not judging you on what happened in the past as we are all human, but you can control the future.

Block him, cut off all contact, don’t look back, and mentally move on. If you have second thoughts remind yourself of all his poor behaviour. Good luck.

Closure is overrated, and very rare. Telling yourself you need closure will keep this guy in your life and in your head. Closure is catnip for manipulators, because they can draw the process out over time until you're actually just back together again.

Let closure go. You don't need understanding or agreement from him in order to close this down. Just let the whole thing go and take care of yourself.

messrs

As other posters have said above you really need to walk away from this situation. You don't need to have another conversation with him in order to end things. Just simply stop replying to his messages. I know you feel upset over conversation 2 but that's in the past and cant be undone. I don't want to come accross as harsh here OP but unfortunately this man has no feelings for you and the longer you continue contact with him the more you are falling for him and developing feelings for him while he is just having a bit of fun (with you and god only knows how many other women) I know its hard for you but for your own sake please step away and break contact. Try to meet someone that is available and can give you back the same as you are giving them in the relationship. Best of luck OP I hope it works out for you

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118608825#Comment_118608825

Even to claim she's the "other other woman" is ambitious. When he's done getting laughed at and knocked back by every woman on tinder, OK cupid, hinge ect she's probably at the bottom of that list, his last desperate go to for the validation he's chasing.

bucketybuck

Broke your heart did it?

Who could possibly have guessed that married man you were shagging couldn't be trusted...

If you want closure, is it an option to have a chat with his kids and see what they think?

Big Bag of Chips

The thing you need to realise is this fella is a liar, a cheat, a manipulator, selfish, immature and I'd guess an absolute pain in the hole to have as the father of your children. Imagine having the time to be whoring around the country with multiple (gullible) women. Going for multiple weekends away. Tough life. No wonder he's in emotional turmoil.

Do you honestly think if you do sit down for this "closure" chat that he's going to put his hands up and admit he's just another pathetic cliché who is out for what he can get for as long as he can get it? He might put his hands up, admit he's in "emotional turmoil", tell you you're the only one who really understands him, you're the one he likes best (out of all his other women). He's sorry. He never meant to hurt you. He's weak and pathetic and knows that now, and if you only give him another chance he'll prove to you that you're the only one for him... apart from his wife of course. Or he'll go on the defensive and blame you.

Either way, it's irrelevant. He's not going to commit to a relationship with you. He's unlikely to leave his wife. If he does he'll use you for somewhere to go, and every time he's away over night, working late, called in to work at short notice, visiting family for the weekend you'll be wondering what he's actually doing.

The man is a liar and a manipulator. Cop on. Value yourself more and block all access. You were played for a fool. You have to come to terms with that. By allowing him into your head you're responsible for that continuing. This is never going to end happily ever after. Take control of your own "closure". Block him.

miamee

I think it's a safe bet that the other 'other' woman has recently dumped him and that's why he has come crawling back to you. Sorry OP, but people like this are manipulative but also very simple and predictable. He's trying to get back in your good books because it suits him now.

It doesn't suit you, look at how it has affected you, your sleep, your anxiety levels. Tell him you no longer want to be in contact with him for any reason - no friendly chats, no banter, nothing because he will turn up the dial when it suits him and friendly chats will slowly turn to flirtlng, mentions of meeting up 'for a coffee' and once he meets you in person it'll be how much he misses you and trying to persuade you to go for a drink, a meal, a night away, etc. A clean break is best answer here, give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

Jequ0n

A lot of talk about this guy being the evil manipulator here, which is a bit over simplistic. It takes two in this scenario, and the OP was never promised anything but being an affair. Luckily that means that the OP is in control whether or not she wants to continue this.

AyeGer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118610046#Comment_118610046

I’m sure a lot of people feel the same as this, there is no victim here. If this wasn’t PI the replies would be brutal. The only advice I see here and most others have said similar. she needs to let this go and move.

The best advice was by the person above who said just stop replying to him.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118610046#Comment_118610046

100% with you on this. The problem with these affairs (and we all do them I imagine at some point or a lot) is we have this ideal set up . A honeymoon period akin to a relationship. Boundaries are set and we all get to enjoy good sex, company etc. Where it becomes an obstacle is where feelings get involved and inherently there is a gulf between been lead up the garden path and knowing full well what one self is getting into. In this case the OP from my reading knew about the boundaries so this should perhaps give her some scope to re assess where she stands with the person in question. Hope that whomever it is that its a clean break or amicable at best with minimal hurt.