Seem to be broken / stuck after divorce.

QuestioningStuff

This is a bit of a strange situation, so I’m going anonymous with a new account and this is stuff I haven’t really told anyone because I sort of keep a brave face on it.

I’m a guy in my late 30s and a few years ago I got divorced. We got married in our 20s and things just didn’t work out. We came to a very pragmatic conclusion that it wasn’t going to be a success and we broke up, without any kids, property or complications. We basically just drew up a separation agreement, organised our affairs and waited for the time out period to elapse.

There wasn’t a big fight, an argument or anything like that. It just ended. It was a bit of a odd relationship, where I felt like I had to constantly avoid setting off conflicts. We just sat down and said it would be better to go our separate ways.

She moved on, has a long term relationship, kids etc at this stage. She initially vaguely kept in touch but then started doing things like asking me for advice on guys she was going out with and stuff (we had been close friends for years) - I don’t think it was intended to be hurtful, just it was hugely inappropriate, at that stage it just went cold and I think we only ever communicated in very formal tones by email or sending very dull documents through solicitors until the divorce completed, which took the full 4+ years. There wasn’t any tension, I just couldn’t deal with it. It was all too weird.

While it shouldn’t have been, it was incredibly stressful. I got pretty sick - blood pressure problems, heart palpitations, got a stomach ulcer, developed IBS, bad insomnia (which I still have) and just generally didn’t feel right at all. A lot of other stuff coincided with it like one of my parents died very suddenly and the other ended to getting cancer (cured thankfully) and had just had a grandparent die too. So I was just a ball of stress.

The court date was just weird - surreal. I just went on my own. I got though it, even if I was really shaken. I sort of don’t remember it - it was just a formality of paperwork, but it still involved taking the stand, a big court room, barrister and all of that. I got so stressed before it that I actually rang the Samaritans, because I just needed to talk to someone. I know - pretty stupid In hindsight, and I was wasting valuable time on their lines, and I wasn’t going to do something stupid, but I just felt like I was going to have an actual stroke. I couldn’t even see - everything went black for a few seconds and I could see sort of zig zagging lines, bright colours and like just blurry edges to everything, everything just started feeling like it was moving and I couldn’t see properly for ages, but I just sat in the car for a while and got myself together. I just had absolutely nobody else to talk to and I thought I was going to crack up, saw the number on a sign and rang. I was going to go to get it checked afterwards, but it seemed to fade and it was too complicated to explain and I’m sure I’d just be told it was a panic attack. It was really weird tho - my head was just pounding and I just remember tipping forwards and everything going black. Never happened before or since.

I’m not sure I made much sense in the court but the whole thing only lasted a few seconds one I confirmed my name and so on.

I waited after the case for a few mins, went for a lunch by myself to try and get my head back together, but just abandoned the car and walked home because I wasn’t at all safe drive. I then sort of slept for 24h+ and I can’t fully remember the details of what happened that day at all, which is a bit scary. It all went fine but I seem to have just blanked it from memory. I kind of just have these blurry recollections off it like it happened to someone else. I got the paperwork by post eventually and that was it.

Her family and friends treated me like a bad smell, which I suppose is understandable, but I can’t really see what it is I did. I no contact whatsoever with them but have had stuff like a relative decide to completely blank me on the street, literally nearly pushed me out of the way when walking past and one of her friends told me “you led her up the garden path” and gave me a lecturing. I sort of feel like everyone’s been talking behind my back or making up b/s about me or assuming things.

I still to this day don’t understand what it is I did wrong. I tried my best and I failed. Seems to happen to me a lot. I’m a bit of a disaster with relationships and lots of things really, I think. I haven’t really had any serious relationships, other than that. I’ve been out with people, but it never got deep. I’m not ever sure I know what they are about anymore or why I would want such a thing.

We had a lot of mutual friends. Many of them were actually my friends before I met her, but I just felt like things were weird and awkward after. I basically just stopped communicating with 95% of them entirely - there was a vibe. I felt very uncomfortable about it and I just didn’t interact much anymore. I even deleted them from social media and just tried to build a new circle of friends, and while it worked it’s still very superficial. I guess it also shows how shallow my friendships are too - I don’t think I’ve anyone I could call my best friend. I know a lot of people that I talk to but that’s it. In fact, I know some people for years and I don’t know anything about them.

I was going to emigrate and just never come back - I went for a few months but just got really lonely abroad and came back anyway. I just ended up spending a few months being very isolated in a city I found difficult to make contacts in - at this age especially as I don’t have the same context.

I sort of just stopped going out much. Avoided places politely to have anyone who was part of her network, which meant I just avoided entire suburbs, shops, bars etc.

The along came COVID and I haven’t really been doing much other than work (from home) for two years.

I’ve had zero interest in dating tbh. I just don’t want to get into another relationship. For about two years afterwards I kept waking up from this nightmare where I would think I was still married and feel totally trapped and like everything was back to square one and then I’d snap out of it again and that just kept happening.

I also decided to to a postgrad course just to shake myself back into reality and I ended up just withdrawing from it and costing myself a lot of money. I just wasn’t at all in the headspace and I didn’t really have the energy to combine it with work.

Work is ticking over and I am at least hanging out with more people these days and got involved with more stuff - hobbies etc, but I’m just not feeling at all like connecting with anyone on a romantic basis. I feel like I should want to, but I really don’t. I can see why I’d like to be able to go places and hang out but I’m just never ever putting myself into that situation again. It was too much and I just don’t think I could ever handle that much stress ever again.

I’m just wondering do other people feel this bad all the time, or if there is anything I can do? I’m still just really not able to figure out how you pick up and do it all over again. It’s like I just can’t and I’m sure everyone will probably think I’m just being massively melodramatic and self centred about it.

I just can’t really figure out how people do this stuff. It’s like the world is speaking Dutch and I’m speaking English sometimes. I’m always just misreading and walking into disasters. Everyone else seems to just figure these things out and it all falls into place.

Goodigal

Firstly you aren't wasting anyone's time when you ring the Samaritans. They were there when you needed them.

You sound like you're a bit lost really. Divorce is a big event, even if as you have said, your marriage came to that conclusion without much drama. I found it very emotional and cried for a whole day before my court date. Perhaps my reaction was emotional while yours sounds like it was physical. But you got through it!

I don't think it would do any harm to start casual dating again, start to have a bit of craic again, keep enjoying the hobbies etc. You've got one life, don't waste it by dwelling on the past. You don't have to get into another relationship but just be open to being in someone else's company and see what happens.

As always, seeking out a therapist to help you discover why you're feeling this way could really help move you forward. I hope you start to look towards the future rather than keep wondering where you may have gone wrong. Good luck!

NSAman

First off… life goes on and whether you like it or not, you are important. Samaritans, help line, any port in a storm is vital.

let’s get some of the basics out of the way. Yes you were talked bout. Her story was believed and hence you lost people, you may have had your day in court, but the court of gossip will always be there.

divorce is a huge event in anyones life. It doesn’t matter whether the divorce was amicable or fiery, it’s a massive event.

you are NOT a failure.

life continues and it takes time to heal. It’s traumatic.

so you have no idea or sense of dating. I get it! You don’t know where to start. I get it. It’s not easy being the single person in a world of couples, especially when it’s local. The usual BS of town gossip sticks. My advice (for what it’s worth) F* em. You have one life to live. You can either think about other peoples reactions to you or get on with loving it. It’s a short life where happiness is paramount and absolutely needed.

its not easy to pick yourself up and go out and do new things but you have to. You ain’t old. Christ I did it in my 40s.

i know it is a cliché … but great things happen when you least expect them to. You just have to be open to the possibilities.

she has moved on, you have to also.

get out and live life. You have already started the wondering process .. obviously getting it out there in this post was a start.

time does heal, you just need to forgive yourself, stop all the introspection and get on with finding YOUR life.

JoChervil

You sound like a person completely disconnected from your feelings. You are closed in an ivory tower but not only from other people but also from a living emotional part of yourself.

Good relationships helps us to get out of it, while bed ones put us even deeper in there building our defence even thicker and stronger. So you might be afraid you end up in a bed relationship, which will make this disconnection from yourself even stronger.

I think you need serious therapy. It will help you a lot to get out from your shell.

JoChervil

And I would check your physical health as well. You might have had a small stroke, which may repeat in future in a more dangerous way.

QuestioningStuff

Hopefully not, I’ve been checked out by a cardiologist in the past and I’m in generally good health except for unexplainable high BP which is managed with meds. It’s a weird kind as other than stress, I’m generally in good shape, never smoked, don’t drink much at all, just the very odd pint here and there and I eat very healthy.

Trying to do yoga and similar to keep the stress levels down.

JoChervil

And I don't think you did anything wrong. You just didn't connect with your wife on an emotional level. But it wasn't your fault as long as you weren't aware of it. We are only guilty of things we do consciously.

If you don't read your and others emotions, so it is really difficult to navigate in this world. People are emotional creatures and act out of emotions, so you don't understand them. Our emotions are here to guide us. But some people are so scared of negative emotions or were forbidden to express (and feel) negative emotions in their childhood, that they cut themselves off completely and from good ones as well.

If this is the case, so therapy would help you immensely.

JPup

Hi OP. Just wanted to reply to wish you luck. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Make sure you start seeing a counselor as soon as you can. It will do you the world of good.

CrookedJack

Hi OP, Just to answer one question you had - Yes, some of us do feel like that. Sometimes or all the time. You are not alone. I personally have have serious reactions to things that would be less life-changing than you have gone through. The feeling of being lost is also not unusual - it's called a mid-life crisis for a reason.

It's absolutely no surprise that you experienced moments of crisis, I mean reread all you wrote and think about everything that happened to you. It's massive, multiple life-changing events and you had to deal with them alone. Of course you found this tough, and of course there was a physical reaction. There is no failure on your part here, you survived - that's a triumph.

I would urge you to talk to a counsellor - you are in real need and will see immediate benefit from just saying everything you posted above to a real human.

darragh o meara

First off, Get yourself checked out for stroke. I had a similar situation and ignored it and ended up losing 95% of my speech, thankfully through a lot of hard work I managed to get most of it back. But if you think things are stressful now, try adding in the stress of loosing your speech or mobility.... I was lucky in that I got off my ass when the speech went. Id have lost mobility had I left it longer but the stress was something unbelievable so don't underestimate what your body is trying to tell you.

Secondly. Get yourself a good counselor. I'm not long out of a very long term relationship which took its toll on me and I suffered some of the things you do. A good counselor helped me a lot. Find one who does CBT, I found it very helpful.

Thirdly. Talk to your GP about getting something to help. I did and again it helped get me out of the initial never ending hole. There's no shame in asking for help and any GP will only be too happy to help. There are a lot of people including people close to you I'd bet that are also getting help for their mental health.

Romance will come when you get your head right, Find some groups you can get involved in and get to know the folks there. the biggest problem I had when I started dating again is that I felt like I was cheating on my now ex, which funny enough is what got us into this mess (she cheated on me)

QuestioningStuff

It’s not that I don’t read emotions. I probably read them nearly too much. The relationship failed, but it was like I was becoming the fixer of all emotional issues - like a full time, live in counsellor and punch bag. I’d get roared at because she had a bad day at work, or even stuff thrown around the house in my general direction.

I just don’t do confrontation at all. I tend to try to keep resolving it. That used to just get me into more and more complex messes. She would want to fight and then would accuse me of trying to “talk my way out of it.”

It just wore me out to the point that I stopped finding her attractive and then everything fizzled out and we got to the stage where we parted company. It was very calm, cool and formal when we did that.

After that she continued to call and text me asking for advice and support on stuff, and then completely crossed the line by starting to ask me for advice on issues to do with her new relationships. It was at that point I just had to stop responding entirely, even my solicitor advised it was better to just be cool, calm and not to interact. They just thought it was much better we drew a formal line under it and let time take its course.

As far as I can tell, she then said I wasn’t paying enough attention to her, didn’t love her and all of those kinds of things.

I don’t like talking about it because I feel disloyal. So I just wanted it to all just move onto a new chapter, everyone to be happy and just never be speak about it again, but I think I probably didn’t deal with it properly at all and I keep thinking it has to have been my fault because I suppose that’s the story that’s been told to my entire network about me.

JoChervil

I just drew to that conclusion after your description of your divorce. I think you didn't fully realised how strong feelings were involved in you, which were out of your mind. Your body felt it perfectly and resulted in illnesses, while you were mainly calm.

The same with her asking for advice, in you it was more on understanding level that it was inappropriate, while I don't think you allow yourself feel sadness, pain, anger, even rage. You mainly felt discomfort.

Also the fact that you don't remember some things. A friend of mine just swiped things out of her mind, whenever she lost her temper. She was so proud of her proper conduct that she didn't realised it, when she failed few times. Such things happen. It was her defence mechanism.

Also sometimes people don't want express their anger themselves, so they sunconsciously provoke their partners to feel it anyway but in a safe way. I am not saying it is in your case, only that human psyche is very complicated and it is better to let a counsellor to have a look at it and help.

QuestioningStuff

I don’t remember the day in court because I sort of passed out. I just remember headache, high pitched noise, then everything fading to black and then banging my head on the steering wheel in the car park, then I was ok again other than the zig zagging lines and bright colours and stuff for a while. It was like a really, really bad migraine. I’d suspect it was an arrhythmia rather than a stroke. My heart was very odd that day - skipping beats.

It’s happened me a few times - I just get like where I will not know someone’s name at all or I won’t know my PIN numbers, phone numbers, passwords or might completely forget the word for something really stupid, then I get a banging headache and visual issues where I’ll just see like annoying blurry lines. Then I get super tired and afterwards I’m fine. It’s more like just bad migraine than anything else but I’ve had it for years and only very very rarely but I just never passed out before or since.

I didn’t want to turn up late or cause a postponement, and I was warned the judge on the bench was a fairly full on, so I just did some deep breathing exercises, said nothing and got myself some tea and just carried on regardless. I just don’t really remember most of the conversations I had from that point on, not that they were very complicated, but it’s just a blur, and then I went home and slept for a full day.

I don’t think it’s a defence mechanism. It’s just some blood flow issue.

If it had been any other day, I would probably have gone to A&E but I was just putting it down to serious stress and I wanted to just get it over with.

JoChervil

I don’t like talking about it because I feel disloyal. So I just wanted it to all just move onto a new chapter, everyone to be happy and just never be speak about it again, but I think I probably didn’t deal with it properly at all and I keep thinking it has to have been my fault because I suppose that’s the story that’s been told to my entire network about me.

What bonds people is vulnerability. You don't have to be disloyal to your ex to keep friends on your side. It is enough, if they knew you struggled and are still struggling. It would say much more about all state of affairs than any disclosures.

I know that men think differently and don't want to reveal weakness in any form. But if there are ex friends who would be worth fighting for, so I would consider it.

Liberty_Bear

Wow, fair play on coming this far and you articulated yourself very well. Gave an insight into where you are gonig.

I'll talk about the friends issues.

Reach back out to them and dont be afraid of brutal honesty, maybe you associate them with a time with your ex but if those relationships were pre existing , then give them the whole shebang. What have you actually honstly got to lose?

cj maxx

Firstly you aren't wasting anyone's time when you ring the Samaritans. They were there when you needed them.

I haven't read the whole thread, but this is so true.

The main character Meursault (without the murder, of course!) in Camus' The Stranger came to mind a few times reading that, op (and not just the court case). The sense of loss, indifference and puzzlement at why, but acceptance. You seem like an outsider watching things, a mere observer of life.

First, I'd wonder what has happened recently that your divorce is coming centre stage even though you finalised it a few years ago? Could you be having an existential crisis? Divorce would provoke that, but why now?

Second, you are very, very lucky. You're in your late 30s and you are divorced with no children or property tying you together. For many, many people that would be like a lottery win in divorceland. You are free, or at least freer than many people are. There are so many genuine positives here. You need to focus on them.

Third, separation/divorce would floor most human beings' energy levels so it's no surprise you're not interested in dating. It rips you apart, and puts many, many people into the existential crisis you're in. It is so exhausting. There is anger, rage, shock, regret and sadness at various times and to various levels. It's hard keeping a positive front. You can keep busy and distracted but it's still there in the background. Many people keep going by keeping distracted by social media, friends and all that stuff. They don't like to engage in life at any sort of deep, reflective level because it frightens them and the longer they've been avoiding it, the more that is there to be avoided.

Fourth, I wouldn't worry in the slightest about her friends. First, you have no control over how other people think so just let it go. Second, people tell stories to support their own side in relationship breakdowns. Most people know there are two sides to every story and don't cast judgement. There's always going to be a section who will, but that's a reflection on their own need to be in a group rather than on you. Third, playing the victim is endemic to a certain type of person and you shouldn't underestimate how much satisfaction they derive from playing the victim card to their friends about their "abusive" partner or whatever. You can't compete with the "poor me" merchants. However, if you talk to male friends or even a male counsellor it might give you an awareness that this is one of the hazards of a relationship breaking down and has nothing to do with your particular value as a person.

"I don’t like talking about it because I feel disloyal. So I just wanted it to all just move onto a new chapter, everyone to be happy and just never be speak about it again"

This is precisely how I have felt. Precisely. It has been a loyalty thing. Many guys would feel similar. However, it is important to talk to somebody. I did and my (female) counsellor advised me to say what had happened to a close male friend. I did, and he shared something about his struggles he had never shared. It was a strange experience. I haven't told anybody else mind you - I felt I needed to tell somebody, not everybody. Find a good counsellor who could help. Fettle has fully qualified counsellors at something like €43 per 50 minutes if you buy their 9 session special offer (I had been paying €80 a session until my health insurance was maxed out)

"It just wore me out to the point that I stopped finding her attractive and then everything fizzled out and we got to the stage where we parted company. It was very calm, cool and formal when we did that."

Yes, I can relate. But still waters run deep. The 'Why?' questions are there for me anyway. But if I had no kids or property to lose in the divorce it would be much easier to live with those 'Why' questions and move on.

Lastly, is it not possible for you to live somewhere new if you recurrently meet those people and it brings you down? Perhaps a fresh start would be very good? Getting a new project, a new career aim, with deadlines and targets could be something to help you focus your energies on and allow you to grow again. You are still young, so embrace life.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118595282#Comment_118595282

Why don't you do confrontation?

There's nothing wrong with angry emotions, some situations demand them. They are only a problem, imo, if they are misdirected. In any event, you need to open yourself to the full range of feelings.

johnayo

I feel that you are being very hard on yourself. Its OK to feel down, especially after being through such a life changing experience as divorce.

You need to get back out there and learn to live your life again. Easier said than done I know. We all need other people around us. Right now you dont see yourself in a romantic relationship, and that is perfectly fine. However I dont believe you should make the decision now to rule it out forever.

You may well meet another life partner and have a completely different experience. This is most likely to happen when you least expect it but you must keep yourself out there. You are still a young man and remember life is too short for it to be full of regrets.

Whatever decisions you make I hope are the right ones for you and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

dybbuk

The fact that your ex was asking your advice on guys she was going out with (and did not intend to be hurtful (!)) would put your ex in a category of "not relationship material" as would define it for myself - too insensitive for anything lasting.

Therefore, I will agree that you are very very lucky. I think you were with a person who was very, but really very wrong for you. And I think that, in the long run, you should concentrate on why you got attached to a person who is so wrong for you so you don't repeat this mistake.

Au contraire, I wouldn't worry about not having "romantic interest". I think it is rather a good sign: you are processing, learning. Who knows? The neural processes in your brain are complex and impossible to comprehend consciously.

foxsake

you may not have had a falling out with your ex.

but you've no idea what she told them hence their reaction

RojaStar

Just to add that you come across as very self aware and everything you have mentioned seems like a completely reasonable response to what you've been through. Sounds like that relationship ending was a good thing in the long term.

It's likely you will eventually feel ready to meet someone, and maybe you'll never want to! That's ok too. There's such societal pressure to couple up but it's not the be all and end all.

Don't be so hard on yourself.