LTR ending out of the blue- feel broken

grey times

Late 30's male who's struggling.

My long long term partner told me recently that we are ended.

We had been making progress with our lives and were engaged, house and so on.

I had been emotionally distant recently and in hindsight I can see she was withdrawing from our relationship and I ignored signs, in the context of the time engagement and house has both been relatively recent.

Children too which was another issue we miscommunicated on.

None of this makes sense to me, she very calmly explains that she had of feelings like leaving at the same time that we were taking these major steps forward with our lives. At the same time she says it's definitely over.

I can't get my head around it and I am spiralling completely, can't sleep, can't concentrate on work.

I am struggling hard because I thought we were on the same page about spending the rest of our lives together, we still get on well too. My confusion is that she says it's something she thought of for a long time but at the same time we were doing these major steps about building our life together forever. I don't understand how she can rationally say we are done and that's that and it's not something that is out of the blue for her, while only a few months earlier she was committing to such permanent things and open to children.

Basically completely lost and I am not sure how to take what she is saying, was she not seeing things clearly when we were building a life and she was very much encouraging that, or is she not seeing things clearly now.

I would understand if she came to me saying we are close too breaking up but she doesn't even want to think about giving a chance to fix things, even though we still get on well.

Also any sleeping tips would be appreciated

TheadoreT

What age is she and in what sense did you miscommunicate on children? Plenty of women at that age(if similar to yours) plough on and have children with a partner they don't really love as other options of starting again with someone else are unrealistic with ticking clock. Its why you hear of so many sexless marriages, women settle for lots of reasons aside from love.

So that would explain your confusion on why she had been thinking of leaving for a long time while making life plans with you. And if you for whatever reason have been delaying trying for kids maybe she just decided her one reason for staying is now gone.

Good luck in future

Big Bag of Chips

Break ups usually only come out of the blue for 1 person. The other person has been considering it for quite a while. I'd say she's had doubts for a long time but ploughed on in the hope her feelings might change. But they didn't. I know you see the engagement and house as her commiting to permanent things, but they're not really. Children are permanent. Engagements can be broken off and houses can be sold. Thankfully she didn't proceed with getting pregnant because that would make everything so much more difficult.

Sometimes relationships drift apart. Sometimes the couple plod through the motions neither being fully happy but neither being brave enough to call it a day. She's made a brave decision. Yes, if she had doubts before the house and engagement that would have been a better time to call it off. But she didn't.

You have to accept her decision now. You are going to have to be in contact with regards what to do with the house but I'd suggest for a few weeks taking a break from contacting her. It's going to be tough. There is always the chance that you could get back together, but if you did, would your relationship be very different? You're still the same people. You (both) let it go stale. Do you think that is something you could both address and change? Realistically? If not, then there's no point.

Take some time away. Block her on your phone for a while if you need to. This is the worst time. Where emotions are high and feelings are confused. Give yourself time to process what's happening.

As for sleep.. Not a lot you can do when your mind is racing. When I was going through stressful times in my life I could be awake for hours at 3am. I used to get up and mop the floors. I was awake anyway, so decided I might as well make use of the time!

JoChervil

Your relationship was long long term as you said it. It might have been a reason for it.

She probably wanted to go a while ago. People so close together feel such things intuitively, so it very likely prompted you to propose etc. Some man are only able to do it, when they feel threatened. It changed the whole situation for a moment and she might started believing in you both for a while, but then with your withdrawal, she might have come to a conclusion, that that's it, it won't be any better that this, so she pulled the plug.

She also might have met someone new, who made her realised that she can be happier in life than she is with you.

If it is final for her, so her realisation must have been very strong. It happened to me few times in my life. Once it just hit me in the middle of the street and there was not going back from it. The scales simply fell from my eyes and I could no longer cheat myself that everything was OK.

Heartbreaks are hard. Many of us went through it at some stage in our lives. There is no easy fix to it. Wounds need time to heal.

"Rejection is God's protection". In my case it was that way and now I am in a much better place in my life.

You might meet another girl, where you won't have any doubts from the start that she is the one...

bucketybuck

I wouldn't overthink the fact that she was seemingly ok with planning children/houses etc a few months ago.

Say you are unsure about a long term relationship, having doubts and unsure if you want to continue or not. Then a conversation about kids comes up. What happens if you say no to having kids? Its a conversation that forces the issue, say no and its very possible that the relationship ends right there and then. And remember, you aren't sure what you want, you don't know that you want it to end.

So its end the relationship now or buy more time by going along with things.

A lot of people buy more time and there isn't really anything wrong with that. A lot of people do that and end up deciding to stay in the relationship, things work out and they are glad they didn't force the issue earlier.

Unfortunately that isn't the case here, she took more time and realised it wasn't what she wanted. But it doesn't mean she was dicking you around or trying to play games, more likely it just means she didn't know for sure.

Thelonious Monk

Yeah it's over, she's not going to get back with you, they never do in these situations. Easy for me to say but I would use this situation to become a better version of who you are, that's what I've done after breakups in the past, where each time part of me thought I would never get over it or meet anyone else that I could feel the same way about - that always turns out to be bullsh*t though and the next time it's always better!

If I were you I'd keep comms to a minimum, just do whatever admin you both need to do and then forget about communicating with her again, ever.

So yeah use this opportunity to get fit, eat better, read more, practice mindfulness, reach out to friends, talk to people, try talk therapy, there are lots of things you can do that will help you become a better person and get over this.

The main thing you need to do though is convince yourself it's over, and none of what she said or did about houses or children or weddings matters in the slightest, that's all in the past and means nothing, she doesn't want you any more and never will again.

grey times

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118589476#Comment_118589476

You see this is what I am struggling with so hard, particularly as we still get on relatively well even under intense strain

As in which version of her was right? The version that wanted kids together or the version now that says at the time she was saying that she was thinking of leaving. They can't both be have been thinking clearly and I would clearly have been making the wrong move listening to either one? Both can't be right but she portrays it like I made the wrong moves and am making the wrong moves by trying to fix things, so either I way I am making the wrong move but despite this she is saying it's all very rational.

Moving out anyway and giving space.

standardg60

It is awful OP, and if it is any consolation most of us have been there at some stage, can't eat, can't concentrate, awake at all hours, and that sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach, wishing you could be six months from now just to get it all away.

But you will get to a time when you can look back and realise that she is doing you both a favour by taking the brave route. It's possible someone else has come into her life which can make it even more painful, or it could be as it was for me just an ultimatum of kids or marriage, but she has always harboured these doubts and is doing the right thing for you both.

The best advice i can give you is to confide in and keep the company of those you trust and know love you.

Good luck, it will work out in the end.

Big Bag of Chips

The version that wanted kids together or the version now that says at the time she was saying that she was thinking of leaving

It is perfectly possible to be thinking both of these things. We're all human. We're all flawed. We all make bad choices at times. So it is very possible she was thinking of ending it with you, and also thinking of staying put and trying for a family. A baby doesn't guarantee a life long relationship either and it's possible even after having a baby that the relationship would have eventually ended anyway.

Human emotions tend not to travel in a straight line.

standardg60

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118593027#Comment_118593027

And also being human one of the most difficult things we ever have to do is consciously break a heart

NSAman

Next!

grey times

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118593127#Comment_118593127

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118593027#Comment_118593027

Thanks for all the advice.

I am taking it on board but I also know personally couples who have came through worse so I am leaving the door open for now.

I also came to a bit of a epiphany after I worked some stuff out in my head that at least temporarily removes some of the incredible crushing weight of things. The huge sadness does remain though.

GreeBo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118596150#Comment_118596150

Strangely enough its much easier for a couple to come through the other side of some "event" rather than one person just drifting away.

In the case of infidelity for example, both parties still want to relationship so its possible to fight to get it back, but if one side has lost interest its very hard for them to get it back and even just to see the other side in the same way. Once you cross that line its very hard to cross back, you see more and more of the bits of the person your dont like and even annoy you rather than the things that used to make you smile.

Thelonious Monk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118596150#Comment_118596150

leaving the door open is stupid, you're just hoping she might come back, she wont

Aside from empathising with the usual existential "Will I ever meet a soulmate" angst that these things provoke in any sentient being, I will say three things.

First, and most importantly, you have made a great escape here - can you imagine if you had children with this person? Really count your blessings on this above all else. A house can be sold and you can move on quickly. With kids, there'd be none of that. Phew.

Second, you will meet plenty of other women. There's loads of choice but just remember, as we all need to when we leave a relationship, you don't want to bring all of the old you into the next relationship; sort your stuff out first.

Third, today is that awful waste-of-space Valentine's Day, and you are for the first time in many, many years free from having to buy any of the nonsense. Your freedom is just beginning so start making yourself a better man and run with it.

bitofabind

Sorry for what you're going through OP.

Bear with me on this very embarrassing example. And I'm in no way setting out to minimise your situation. I watched a bit of awful reality TV recently. One of these Love Island types of shows on Netflix. Throughout the cringe of it, I noticed one thing, and that's how people in relationships / romantic scenarios can say all that right things, raise hopes, seem invested and committed, and as an outsider you just know they don't mean it and are lying to themselves. Hoping they'll say the words and the feelings will follow. Body language, facial expressions, it's in the eyes as a viewer.

It reminded me of some parallels in my own dating history, where either the guy promised some things or I made some plans with someone, in the hopes that it could and would work out. But gut told us otherwise. It was always a shock, to either me or him depending on which one of us was "all in" and taking the words at face value. But for the person doing the breaking up, it's a final admittance of what they were trying to push down and ignore. That they thought "making some plans" would overcome.

This is just humans and this is just life. I'm sorry this is happening to you, and it's also human to not want to let go or give up without a fight. Half your life with someone and then an "it's over"...it wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel the way you do. But the piece for you now is in taking care of yourself, leaning on a support system and sitting through the pain and heartache of it all. You're going to come out the other side, and statistically the odds are stacked in your favour in terms of meeting someone again and moving on with your life. That's just how things go. And I know that's cold comfort to you. This is incredibly hard and you're going to get through it.