Lost!

WhatsLeft

Im lost, 10 year marriage has broken down completely.

She is a functional alcoholic, drinks to excess 3 to 4 times a week. Doesn't see herself having a problem just says she likes it and what's the problem "other people enjoy a drink now and again", her family are alcoholics.

We got together very young so I didn't see the signs until it was too late, thankfully we don't have kids but we do have a house with mortgage.

Argument 3 weeks ago about the drink has had us not talking and sleeping in separate rooms since. I know she can't help herself and that alcohol rewires the brain so that only she herself can want to get better and it breaks my heart because I still love her.

If I leave I am homeless, if we sell the house I am homeless with 20,000 if I was lucky and that would be gone to pay off loans. I'm stuck, I'm unhappy and I'm so lonely.

I have no family and friends to turn too only my own thoughts and just writing this here has me in tears that I am saying it to someone.

I'm just so lost

hawley

Do you think that she can overcome this if she owned her problem and went into rehabilitation? You seem to have completely written off your marriage even though you still love her.

Big Bag of Chips

@WhatsLeft you don't need to make any decisions yet. This is something that has been building over years, so there's no immediate rush on ending things. Have you ever been to Al-Anon? You might find it a huge help and support. I know I did. I heard all the same lines you're hearing.

Al-Anon gave me the tools to change my life. You can't change her.. Well you can, but it will mean you changing. You need to change how you react and respond to her. If you stop some of your behaviours, you might find it elicits a change in her. I made some changes and now my husband hasn't drank for almost 2 years. Change is not guaranteed, and you need to get to the point where you don't care whether or not she continues drinking anymore, because you've made your decision to change your life. Sometimes it works out, sometimes the relationship ends. But once you've accepted your decisions then you'll be OK.

Read the below link. It'll be an eye opener.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwiAyKfS0-T1AhWXi1wKHY7HCa8QFnoECBAQAQ&url=http%3A%2F%2Fstorage.cloversites.com%2Frecoveryatcokesbury%2Fdocuments%2FA%2520Merry%2520Go%2520Round%2520For%2520Femaile%2520Alcoholic-%2520final%2520%25281%2529.pdf&usg=AOvVaw2gwS0JKo1CivWHYRd50ejY

Liberty_Bear

Sorry to hear about the situation.

Maybe its time to look at creating a back up plan as well as going to Al Anon. To build on what BBOC said above - family support - https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/ is a good resource that you might peruse when you get a chance.

In the interim do you have a support network around you of friends and family you can turn to? Is there anyone you could get a room off if you were to make a back up plan? Not that Im saying to leave the marriage but just cover yourself for those rainy days that occur. Nothing about this is easy.

WhatsLeft

This is what I was trying to do, change my response to it, disengage when she drinks, don't lecture, enjoy the good days together.

I like a drink once in a while but I can't keep drink in the house as she drinks anything that I have, so I moved my drink into the shed, when I say drink I'm talking 12 cans that would last me a month if not more, so one day I see she is not in the house and I go outside to find her drinking the cans in the shed...

I flipped and just blurted out everything regarding her problem with alcohol and that was 3 weeks ago and we haven't talked since.

I would like to go back to what I was trying to do but I feel there is no way back from this point as the days pass with silence she probably feels I over reacted and I am the one with the problem, sometimes I think maybe I am.

goldenmick

Not talking is no good. It will just fester away inside you both and make matters all the worse.

I feel if you made the first move... the first effort, and spoke gently to her and sat her down. Reminisce, if you must, about all the good times you've shared - and TELL HER how much you still love and want her. Explain, in a fashion, that drink in moderation is fine, but it's the volume and habitual drinking that is a destroyer. Try to do all this on a day that she's not drinking.

It will be hard enough as it is, but without communication you've not a chance in hell of saving your relationship.

TheadoreT

Feels very odd that you resorted to hiding drink instead of just you know, not bringing it into a house with an alcoholic.

If you don't have any dependency issues yourself and drink is 'take it or leave it' for you, why would you torture an addict like that?

Do or did you two want kids? Any ideas on the route of the unhappiness?

WhatsLeft

Yea I'm aware that I am at fault for having drink in the house for myself at any time and I can't do that anymore, it may feel odd to you but I am only human and in no way perfect, but I can learn from my mistakes.

We can only have kids through IVF, but I have been weary about bringing a kid into this situation and fear how bad it can escalate in 5, 10 years. She had a bad upbringing and basically brought up in the pub as her parents are alcoholics, maybe a child would change her attitude towards drink in fear of being the same as her parents but it's such a huge decision to make on a coin flip of maybes and ifs.

WhatsLeft

@goldenmick

Thank you for this advice, I will try this approach.

Big Bag of Chips

People who have no experience of a problem drinker just don't get it. They make suggestions like - sit her down when she's not drinking and have a chat. This might work with someone who is over doing it occasionally. It's never going to work with someone who has developed a dependence.

Talking won't make much difference. I'm sure you've said it all before. And she has an answer for everything. She's not yet ready to admit she has a problem. "She's just having a few drinks". You tried to talk to her about it, and she hasn't spoken to you in 3 weeks.

The only thing that is likely to help is you changing. Detach with love they call it. Remove all your enabling behaviors. Making life easy for her. Covering up for her. She needs to feel the consequences of her drinking. If you protect her from the consequences (even if you're arguing about it) then she has no reason to change her behaviour.

Edit: you say you have no family or friends to turn to. Do you actually have nobody, or do you think you have nobody? Your family and friends will know her drinking is a problem. They'll know you're struggling. They'll know an awful lot more than you think they do. Chose one person who you feel you can trust and open up to them. It will help.

SunnySundays

"Maybe a child would change her attitude to drink".

That is one hell of a high stakes gamble and one you shouldn't even consider. To knowing have a child with an alcoholic is just cruel on that child.

rustynutz

Sorry to hear of your situation, but whatever you do, don't bring a child into this environment, it definitely won't help and will make things infinitely worse. And that's before you consider the needs of the child.

akelly02

i think some form of thereapy is in order here, for both of you.

best of luck

Lost!

WhatsLeftFeb 1, 2022

Im lost, 10 year marriage has broken down completely.

She is a functional alcoholic, drinks to excess 3 to 4 times a week. Doesn't see herself having a problem just says she likes it and what's the problem "other people enjoy a drink now and again", her family are alcoholics.

We got together very young so I didn't see the signs until it was too late, thankfully we don't have kids but we do have a house with mortgage.

Argument 3 weeks ago about the drink has had us not talking and sleeping in separate rooms since. I know she can't help herself and that alcohol rewires the brain so that only she herself can want to get better and it breaks my heart because I still love her.

If I leave I am homeless, if we sell the house I am homeless with 20,000 if I was lucky and that would be gone to pay off loans. I'm stuck, I'm unhappy and I'm so lonely.

I have no family and friends to turn too only my own thoughts and just writing this here has me in tears that I am saying it to someone.

I'm just so lost



View Post

Hi OP

firstly, very very sorry to read of your situation, being in a situation where you are dealing with alcoholism never easy – I know, being the child of an alcoholic

echo what others have said here, you need to get some support for yourself, so you are a better equipped to deal, and B, be strong enough to stop enabling her, which won’t be easy, but it sounds like you are both miserable and this does need to be sorted.

Wishing you strength, it won’t be easy, but perhaps you will have something even stronger than you started with, even though some bumps in the road along the way

Be kind to yourself