Feeling Betrayed

RubyB82

Backround: With my husband 19 years, 2 kids a 5 and one mth old. My husband has never been into social media has a fb page he barely uses. A few years ago by accident I discovered he had a Instagram account..followed a few sports pages and one of our mural female friends (pretty blonde) which I found hurtful. He deleted the account after this. 

Anyway fast forward to this week. He has an old phone he just uses for Netflix when watching in bed as it has a good quality picture it was left open the other day nothing strange about that…but I noticed he has the tiktok app..(he’s early 40s I’m late 30s and I’ve had the app since start of Covid which he has always slagged me for). 

So i think that’s so weird and I can’t help it and have a look..his account is under a fake name and all the videos he’s like are really trashy videos..everything showing, pole dancers, pornstars..etc I was so hurt, I’m just after a baby don’t feel great about myself and to be honest even before I got pregnant our sex life wasn’t great..I practically had to beg him to have sex sometimes he just had no interest when we used to have a brilliant sex life …but over the course of the week I was looking at his page (I know I shouldn’t) but the videos he likes and girls pages have been increasing every day..like it seems whenever he has a chance. 

Ive no problem with porn however I think now this may be affected the intimacy in our relationship previously if he is just looking at porn all the time even when I’m in the house and available. 

Then the final nail came this evening (and I’m aware I’ll probably get roasted for this) but I looked at the previous search history on the app and today he has looked up our mutual friend!!! I feel sick to my stomach and that there is no coming back from this I’m too hurt.

*edit to say if he was just generally looking up people on the app there’d be absolutely no issues however as the only thing he has searched is sexual content to have our friend in that and the thought he’s using that as material to masterbate to does not sit well with me and if other people are ok with the thoughts of their partner doing that while thinking about a friend then I don’t think that makes me crazy just you and me are very different. *

has anyone had a similar situation! I’m not confrontational at all but I’ll explode soon I think and I think it’ll be the end of us.

Caranica

I think you need to talk to your husband, not a bunch of strangers on the internet. I'm a woman and tbh I wouldn't have an issue with anything he's done, but I'm not necessarily a typical woman.

Two years of lockdowns has changed a lot of people's online behaviours, out of boredom as much as anything else. One of my best friends keeps telling me I need to log on to Tik Tok for all the hilarious stuff over there so something similar could have happened to your husband.

You've got a very new baby, probably not sleeping enough and all the rest of the stuff that goes with those early months, none of that is helping the situation.

Mind yourself, try not to dwell on this and have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Tell him how it makes you feel. See what he has to say for himself.

LillySV

I think you should stop looking into your man’s internet history …. Pretty insecure stuff ….

most men look at trashy stuff ..doesn’t mean they’re cheating …

Jequ0n

Not only did you breach his trust by checking his online history, but you are also now twisting this into being the reason for your lack of intimacy. That is a lot of assumptions OP, instead of just talking about your issues.

I can’t speak for others but I certainly use aliases for certain online activities. Sometimes this just makes for an easier life and avoids unnecessary drama.

Talk to your husband, but don’t start off with accusations. Your problems existed before he set up his account, you just never resolved them in the past.

Hannibal_Smith

Is the mutual friend the same mutual friend he was following on Instagram? Why does following her upset you? Do you have suspicions about them?

It's a tough one. If your husband is suddenly changing behaviour and focusing on his phone where he never did before, it would raise an eyebrow alright. At the same time if he's just giving in and joining up to accounts like everyone else, it's just he's late to the game you can't be asking him to delete his accounts or explain who or what he watches. Fair play to him for deleting insta tbh.

The most important thing is that he's seemingly doing nothing out of the ordinary, most people have different usernames on social media, why are you immediately jumping to it being something sinister?

Pawwed Rig

Everything on tiktok is vacuous and trashy. The only reason anyone looks at it is to switch their brain off for a while.

What do you look at on tiktok that is so high brow in comparison to what he looks at? The only mildly non trashy thing I have seen on the app is the odd politician trying to be down with the young people (cringey) and an employment law solicitor that gives snippets of interesting facts. Everything else in junk

shesty

Talk to your husband.

I don't think he has done anything wrong exactly ,but I would not be comfortable if I knew my husband was doing that. Not the best to be checking his devices, but equally he isn't blameless either.You've a small baby- I know how it feels - and given there were issues around sex before the baby, I think it warrants an honest conversation at least.Otherwise it will just build up, and turn into resentment, and possibly a bigger row.

Kurooi

If anyone should be feeling betrayed it's your husband. Major trust issues and boundary definitely crossed at checking his history. Your suspicions are not validated one bit by you finding out he looked at a friend's profile once.

If you want your relationship to work, work on it. THIS will not fix it. You're also the problem.

DonnaDarko09

I think some of the replies here have been harsh. OP you just had a baby and I remember how insecure I felt months afterwards about my self and attraction my partner had for me.

i too would have been upset if I’d found those things you did. But you have to remember most men look at porn these days (women too). Don’t read too much into that. Ok so he may have a little crush on a mutual friend. Again it’s human. We all look at pretty people. However It sounds like there were issues in your relationship before getting pregnant and maybe this could be a wake up call for you both. I wouldn’t confront him with anything but maybe you could suggest couple counselling to reestablish the connection you once had.

JPup

Wow. I'm amazed at the tone of the responses here! Honestly, I think most people would be uncomfortable to find out their partner is fantasizing about a mutual friend. And him turning away from sex to spend more time looking at pornographic material is hardly a healthy move either.

I don't think any of this is that too big a deal as long as it all has stayed in the realm of fantasy on his part, but you guys need to talk through things.

yagan

I wonder how he'd feel about you discussing his online habits with a bunch of strangers here.

lunamoon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118564593#Comment_118564593

Kinda the nature of PI/RI, no?

OP I too would be hurt by this. Especially if he's been turning down sex in favour of this.

Unfortunatly I think the only course of action here is to tell him how hurt you are by this.

Big Bag of Chips

@yagan Personal Issues is a forum where posters come seeking advice. The OP is perfectly entitled to post here, outline her worries and get some advice and opinion.

Please familiarise yourself with The Forum Charter if you want to post in this forum.

Reminder to all posters, please bear in mind that you are talking to someone who is feeling vulnerable at the moment and word your replies accordingly.

Liberty_Bear

There are naturally going to be two camps here - those who will fall into the 'its no big deal' and the 'I would find this upsetting'. Im truly with the former point of view. Men are visual creatues in my experience, they see legs, boobs etc and whats ingrained into them is this appreciation of physical attributes. What I find worrying is that there appears to be no mention of you being able to discuss the matter with your husband and therein lies maybe the crux of it. Sitting down and saying how you feel, what makes you insecure and ask him about the phone. Inside these actions reflect more so on our own insecurities shining a light in that we dont feel we are enough. Never is that the case in most marriages, we are enough but people (not just men!) like to look at other things. Its like looking at cars or football, they like the bit of fantasy within their lives. And I dont think your feels are invalid at all whatsoever, I can see why you might feel why you do. Talk to your husband. Best wishes x