I've been trying to get a boyfriend for months and starting to feel like a failure

betaband

I've been single little over a year.

Initally I loved it. I hadn't been single for more than a few months since I was 16 (2 long term relationships, albeit first was not serious at all, we were kids in the same school year). Probably why I loved the freedom so much initally (well that and my ex was a prick and I'd wanted out for donkey's years) . I had a lot of fun flirting with guys at work or nights out. Kissed quite a few. I was adamant I wanted to be alone for a while.

Then around 3/4 months ago I realised that damn it, I do want someone. I miss the er, physical, elements of a relationship (and one nighters aren't my style, alas). I miss being cuddled. I just miss having a best friend I'm wildly attracted to. I've gone on several "first dates" in this time. Some from Tinder, some were friends of friends. 2 of them turned into multiple dates for a few weeks. The one I really felt ghosted me (and has tried to come back twice but I have dignity). The other I just didn't feel a spark for and I did try (great guy).

I don't feel like trying anymore. I must've matched with 500 men on Tinder and it feels so...dehumanising? Like I'm shopping for a person. They don't even feel like real people behind the screen, just a sea of "hi', crap pickup lines or nasty/crude messages. When you meet someone from it, it just feels forced even if they're objectively great, ya know? I don't really know how else to meet anyone though! The lads at work are either spoken for or not my type at all. I'm finishing my masters at the minute and my course is 90% girls. There's one fella I fancy quite a bit but he's very clearly into this girl who's gorgeous (and has had a BF for like 3 years?), so why even bother? I just shoot him wee glances and hope he'll magically realise I'm into him or take an interest in me, but this is real life.

I'm not even sure this is me asking for advice so much as it is venting. But idk, I'm just so sick of dating. And I feel way too young to be so sick of it. But it just seems hopeless. Idk how on earth I'll meet someone. I feel like I need to make peace with the fact I might never because some people don't and maybe I'm one of those. And I kinda feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me if I'm single for a year in my early 20s.

StevenToast

Stay single...enjoy it while you can....believe me, you will be long enough with someone in the end....

You're complaining about being single in your early 20s...

You'd get plenty of offers to swap places.

Thelonious Monk

just forget about it, you'll most likely meet someone sooner or later. Don't take the apps too seriously either, they are great for getting dates when you want to but just don't have any expectations and try and enjoy each date as a night out. Not really sure what advice you're looking for but just try living and enjoying your life on your own for now, if someone comes along that can add to that then take it as it comes.

betaband

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118506875#Comment_118506875

The grass is greener on the other side.

Me of 2 years ago envied the feck out of my single mates who didn't have to deal with a fella putting them down and taking them for granted.

Now I'm single and wanting a BF haha.

betaband

Tork

The more desperate you are for a boyfriend, the more you'll scare men away. What's wrong with being single for a while and getting to know yourself as a standalone individual? You spent an awful lot of your formative years in relationships so why not learn how to be self sufficient and comfortable with your own company? What's the rush? As we start to move out of this pandemic (fingers crossed!), opportunities to socialise and meet new people will start to arise. Apps aren't the only way to meet people.

witchgirl26

OP you're in your early 20's & single - enjoy it! While I know there are the bits you say you've missed, what about the bits you get to do as a single person? Such as not having to base your plans around someone else? It's a time where you can legitimally be a little bit selfish in your actions that way.

And if there's something seriously wrong with you for being single for a year in your early 20's then there was something messed up with me! I didn't have a serious relationship until my mid-20's - before that the longest I'd been with someone was 6 months. And honestly it was brilliant! I learned about myself, did things I wanted to, lived by myself and all without having to answer to someone. In fact very few of my friends were in relationships in their early 20's. Use it as a time to grow & have fun.

About the guy in your masters - look if the girl he seems to be into has a boyfriend, what is the harm in letting him know that you like him? Glances at him aren't going to get him to notice. I love men but they can be massively oblivious to things like that. Ask him out if you like him, take the chance!

I agree with the other poster here who said that things are more likely to happen naturally if you're not pushing for them. I know a guy who's desperate for a settled-down relationship so much so that it's damaging his chances of getting one. He's talking about long term things within the first dates. He's a fab guy but he's scaring girls away with it.

Tork

Another thing to consider is that you became single in the middle of a pandemic. Because of the various restrictions imposed on everyone, you haven't had the opportunity to enjoy life in the way you would normally have. Normal socialising, ease of travel and all the spur of the moment things we all took for granted were taken off the table. These past two years have been difficult for a lot of people and it hasn't been a nice time to be single. Depending on one's circumstances, it has to have been a very lonely time for some people. It's natural that you're dying to be coupled up again because it's the only way you know to exist. You haven't been able to reconnect with your friends or enjoy life. You are still very young and have plenty of time to meet somebody. Being single in your early 20s is not a sign of failure and that mindset could lead you down a fruitless path.

eastie17

As others have said, as counterintuitive as it might sound, stop trying, it will happen probably when you are not trying.

What about sports? A good way to meet other people in a relaxed environment, if your not into a particular sport than tag rugby can be quiet sociable, wont start till the summer, there are some mixed 5 a side soccer teams, athletics clubs also seems to be a reasonable avenue. Best of luck, was off the market by the time the dating apps came about so while the "benefits" sound great, can understand how it gets a bit soulless as you described after a while. Good luck

Liberty_Bear

I worry that perhaps you are not giving yourself enough space to enjoy the fruits of life (excuse that cringey term). Now is the time to get to know other singletons, party till the sun rises and explore the world around you. Throw in a few one night stands if you fancy it and pique your curiosity with random things like language learning, new sports, college courses etc . (can be anything really). Dont focus too much on the search. When people say they are trying to find a partner, it puts me off on a personal level as I want things to happen as much as naturally as possible. I state that I am open to LTR rather than I want an LTR. That change in language leaves room for a lot of possibilities . Hope the search goes well

Xterminator

Hi Op

get the sense that you are a bit passive in your life.

this fella in your course. sending admiring glances is not going to make anything happen. Asking him out for a coffee would at least let you know if he has any interest in you. What have you to lose? if he says no then a moments embarrassment, & you are no worse off. What might you to gain, much much more!

completely understand how you feel about online dating and taking a break from it sounds like a good idea. but you appear to have closed that door without perhaps looking for another to open.

I suggest you join a club or society with an active social scene. that way you get to have fun and enjoy yourself, and meet new people. This may take you outside of your comfort zone, but in a good way. And when you widen your social circle - you will increase your chances of meeting someone who likes to cuddle!

My advice is to not wait for happiness to come your way! Be the driver not the passenger.

betaband

Hey guys

Sorry I've been flay out with college work and actual work but I'm finally back.

I actually was a little bit "ballsy". The lad I fancy in college seemed interested. We actually matched on Tinder and he approached me after class recently (when we never talk) and gave me a lift, which was quite out of his way. I assumed there was some sort of interest and took a leap of faith and texted him. He has left me on read/open. It did hurt but honestly within minutes I just felt...proud. And was like "wow, why didn't I do this sooner?". Because now I know for sure where I stand. I know it's obvious, and what some of you were getting at, but there's power in taking small risks and getting answers.

Thank you for all of your answers ❤

victor8600

Get yourself invited to more weddings :) Several of my friends met their partners at a wedding.