Would you move house/country if there were constant reminders of painful times

Hannaho

Hi! All, I wrote last year - I think it was last summer in this form - title of post 'Is anger at teens justified.' I stated then that my teens now 18.5 and almost 20, had damaged the family home as teenagers, destroying furniture, breaking stuff, including a couple of guitars, throwing burning clothes out of an attic window - we live in a semi detached house, burning holes in sofas and armchairs, having friends in when I and my partner (not their dad, but knows them since childhood), who regularly ate all our food within a day of two of the shopping being delivered, and threw cigarette butts all over the garden and patio, then invited friends in when I was away for 2 nights with my best friend, who I had not seen in 4 years - they live in the Canaries - guitar broken, two sofas vomitted on, cigarette burns on inside window cills, lots of mess left everywhere, then there was selling items from the house, including a camera, and taking money from my bank account - 10 to 15 euros each time - they had guessed my pin. There was also other issues like regularly saying I was a 'fuc..king psycho, saying that no one liked me, shouting at me each evening as I came through the door for two to three hours at a time, and several holidays that I paid for ruined by verbal aggression. My partner does not live with us, but very close by, and would be here often. Then as I explained in the other post 'anger at teens justified?' My son hid drugs for a friend in our house for 50 euros. The Gardai raided the house, seized the drugs, with all the neighbours outside looking on. We all received death threats afterwards, and my son had to move to Cork for his safety to relatives and my daughter moved to a different town close by. I was intimated for the money, but the Gardai caught the guy and the intimidation stopped. I have now ended up paying for a private school in another part of the country to get my son away from all this at a cost of 12k a year, the school fees are almost paid now, but I had to work a lot of overtime with poor health to pay for it. As I explained in my other post, these were kids who had music lessons - several instruments, did various watersports as hobbies, had holidays abroad, went to the Gaelteacht, had grinds and other help in school. Two years on from all this, my son is doing well, and has a part-time job, both in college. However, their attitude and verbal abuse is still bad at times, more so from my daughter than my son. My daughter stays in a house belonging to family for college, but others in the house have a problem with her messiness and sloth really, but she won't address it. Whenever I correct them, or point out what is not appropriate, e.g. how they are treating me, things, other people, or when I say that when they are verbally abusive to me, the difficult memories from the past come flying back, they basically take no heed. My son has apologies, but I can't mention anything about how I feel about all that happened or he gets really annoyed. So much did happen, e.g. in my work, we had clients who were from the area we live in, and they told other clients about our house being raided. My son went down to my family home in Middleton when the house was raided, for his own protection, my parents are gone, so us siblings use the house, but the local Gardai sent a car around which would go past the house a couple of times a day. A difficlt neighbour questioned this, supposedly through a local Garda he was friendly with, and I received abusive calls from him to my workplace, and abusive texts, stating they wanted me out of the estate - I only visit usually about once a month. He even approached me in front of other neighbours and verbally abused me on account of my son. I keep trying with my children to have some sort of relationship with them, but it's a huge effort on my part, for very little return from them, and I'm exhausted by it. Every time I see them the past and what they did and how they treated me comes flooding back, even though I try so hard to forget it. I don't feel comfortable in my house as all the neighbours know what happened, and two of them have come to the door enquiring about it. I don't feel comfortable down in my parents house in Middleton, as people know there, and my neighbour has harrassed me about it, so much so that I had to get CCTV in my parents house (now deceased), and the Gardai and a solicitor had to become involved. This week - ironically I actually work in an addiction service - the client that told all the other clients that our house was raided for drugs because of my son is back getting help from the service - I dread what they might say this time to the other clients - as now there is a whole different set of clients attending the service. I can't seem to get peace anywhere. I feel so uneasy when I am in the presence of my children. I attended counselling for 6 months but didn't really find it helpful. I am thinking about moving back to Wales, where I worked about 20 years ago. I loved north Wales, I liked the people there. I liked the service I worked for. One of my managers still works there and says there is a job there for me. I would come home every second weekend to my partner's house. He's not happy about it, but he knows I have felt destroyed by all that happened. There are other tax implications to working in UK, such as it not being considered a family home for inheritance purpose if I work in UK, but at this point I am not sure I will be handing it on to my children. So sorry for long post. It's very complicated. Just would like some advise really and how to proceed, or if people think I'm running away from the problems. I am 54.

Jequ0n

I remember your old thread, actually.

I’d normally say moving to get a fresh start is a good idea, but that’s not what you are planning on doing. You will still be back every 2 weeks, and you won’t be free from your “old” life, so I am not sure what you are hoping to achieve by doing this. It sounds a bit like trying to run away from it all, while not able to fully let go.

Your partner has told you that he’s not happy about the idea of you relocating. It’s up to you what you decide to do in the end, but this might well damage your relationship if you don’t consider his input at all.

Your children don’t appreciate you, or anything you did or do for them. It’s a pity you feel therapy isn’t the way to be dealing with this, because it probably would be the best way to re-evaluate your relationship with your children and the reasons why there is such an abyss between you all.

Best of luck.

Tork

Your plan sounds bonkers to me and I don't think it's going to work. Living in a different country, but with frequent visits back to Ireland, isn't going to make your problems go away. I also think you're running the risk of bringing your relationship to an end. Your partner sounds like a patient man but no love is unconditional. He will have put up with all the drama involving your children, which is more than what many people would tolerate. To then turn around and announce that you're planning to move to Wales and will see him every other weekend is an awful lot to ask of him. It's quite cheeky, to be honest.

StudentforLife

I think you should move house but unless your partner is on board with the move to Wales it may end your relationship by default.

Do you have enough equity in your house to make it worth selling and moving area? Maybe into a smaller home that doesn't have bedrooms for your children and the memories the house they trashed holds?

With a new environment and new neighbours it might be easier to let go of some of the pain caused by your children.

I'd also think about counseling/coaching to help you create some more boundaries with your children. Every time they treat you poorly walk away, put the phone down, don't respond to the message.

You need to own the work thing, a lot of people working in addiction services are former addicts. If you don't look down on your colleagues or clients for trying to deal with their addictions why should you feel shame about your son's behavior? Front it out and it will become old news.

Good luck.

Hannaho

Thanks to all of you for your replies. My partner feels he would rather see me every second weekend than lose me. We have been together 15 years. He's hoping if I go and return every second weekend for a year or so, that I will get it out of my system. He understands the hurt the children caused as teenagers, and did intervene on my behalf at the time. He felt they changed as teenagers, to children he didn't recognise. Re the counselling. It hasn't helped. I've been to about 18 sessions now. The counsellor felt that I was traumatised by my children's psychological, emotional and financial abuse during teenagers, which culminated in our house being raided. In relation to sorting out the relationship with my children - I feel numb and detached from them. I work to pay for stuff for them. I am pleasant and appear to be my usual self when with them. I ring them a couple of times a week to catch up with them, and meet up face to face with one of them weekly, but I rarely say how I really feel, that I feel so down and sad about everything. I feel lonely in their company. I just pretend that all is fine. When I have mentioned how difficult it has been for me, they get annoyed, and say all that was ages ago, when it was only 2 years ago. . Sometimes when their behavior becomes abusive again, I do get angry with them, not shouting and screaming, but do say how much I have been hurt by what happened, actually I feel destroyed. I have had a few health concerns in the last few months, and they have never asked me if I was okay, how I was feeling, if I would like someone to accompany me to the Hospital, fairly basic stuff. As to what happened in their childhood to make them turn like this, it was a stable childhood. I didn't go back to work until the eldest was 5, and then worked part-time until they were in secondary school.

HildaOgdenx

I remember your previous threads.

It's a decision only you can make. I think you need to ask yourself what you hope to achieve.

Your children have treated you very badly, from what you have said. Are you hoping that they will realise this if you announce that you are moving away?

It also sounds as though you are moving away from the one supportive person in your life. He has to be factored in, imo. Is he saying it's okay, just to keep you happy?

From a work perspective, what about financial considerations such as pension in your current job? What if the new job doesn't work out and you find yourself with the same / similar dilemmas?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all in favour of someone reinventing themselves if that is absolutely something they want to do for themselves. But, on the face of it, it sounds like running away. And your memories will go with you. As the saying goes 'wherever you go, there you are'.

Your children might one day realise that they have treated you appallingly and admit it to you. Or they might not. Keep distancing yourself as best you can from them for now.

I'm not asking you to answer any of those questions here. Just things that might help you to decide if this move is right for you.

As I said at the outset, only you can decide. Best of luck.

fizzypish

Hi OP.

I had a strained relationship with my own mother from my teens to late 20's. I wouldn't say as abrasive as you family but I genuinely didn't like being around her for a long time. Long story short, I grew up. I had my own issues and sorted them out (Work in progress really ;) ) and by the time my late 20s came around I started having a mature relationship with my mother. I just acknowledged to myself that I was acting like a prick and it was unbecoming of the person I wanted to be. If your kids are having such a negative effect on your life then maybe a bit of distancing is useful (Not saying move country). Let them grow up. Any of your children that are adults can financially take care of them selves too. Don't cook, clean or maintain. Anyone over 18 is an adult, treat them as such. Make sure they're the ones calling you mostly. If they don't want or appreciate your calls then stop calling so often. Check in once a month or 2. Hopefully they'll hit the grow up button at some stage. The bit of time apart might help the situation. Also, if one of them says something to you that you don't like, tell them. I can say from experience that hearing "I don't like you talking to me like that" in a controlled manner, is food for thought. If they go off in a huff then that's their problem. Accept no bullshit. They're adults, treat them as such.

Good luck OP and take no ****! You've raised, fed and educated your kids. Whatever they choose to do now is on them.

Neyite

I remember your old threads as well.

What you are thinking of is relocating to another country which is technically outside of the EU and changing jobs. That's a massive step and one that could cost you the remaining good elements of your life - your supportive partner. And honestly, given all that you've gone through in the last few years, risking that last solid and dependable thing in your life might be disastrous for you.

I also get the vibe that you want to shock your self-centered kids into realising that you left due to their behaviour that left you with real life repercussions. To make them sit up and take notice of the hurt they cause you, to try to get them to reflect on their actions and the impact it caused to the people around them - but honestly, they both sound like the type that either they'll only join the dots on that when they've their own tearaway teen breaking their heart or not at all ever.

I would suggest that maybe try a different counsellor because you seem to be entangled in what the neighbours think, what your workplace think and you are still deeply hurting - And you feel like you can't even talk about it to your son as he considers it all just water under the bridge now.

If you really need to get away and have explored that with a counsellor, then I would probably look at relocating within the locality away from that neighbourhood first temporarily to see if the change of scenery really does help you first and then you could give serious thought to moving back to Wales if you found it does. And look into changing jobs - though I recognise that's tricky to do these days.

Basically, I'm saying, look into small changes first to see if that helps before burning your bridges.

Baybay

OP, your situation though a little extreme, is probably on the more more typical side than you realise.

Two years for your children is a lot longer ago than it is for you, particularly as they’ve had multiple changes in their short lives. Leaving school, moving house, starting college, new friends etc. They’ve had more distractions, if you like. You have not. You’re still dealing with a lot of the fall out.

Maybe they should understand & maybe in time they will appreciate what you’ve done for them but they’re not at that point yet.

So, that said, things seem to have calmed in their lives & they're in preparation for whatever adults they’ll become.

It’s now your turn. Decide what’s important for you. Maybe even write a list.

Maybe sell your house. Lots of people downsize when children go to college & have a nest egg.

Maybe move in with your partner. Maybe buy a wildly inappropriate party pad with no room for guests. Your children don’t need a say. They are certainly welcome to have an opinion.

Maybe don’t ring them as often as you think you should. Let them come to you whether for money or a chat or to fill their college freezer from yours. If you regularly give them money now, set up a direct debit into their accounts with a set amount each month. Let them manage on that sum. Let them start a dialogue, even if it’s driven by their finances but at least you’ll know they’re contacting you because they want to.

Talk about you when you meet. Humanise yourself. Personalise yourself. Help them see the you that isn’t their parent.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hannaho

Thank, Fizzypish, Neyite band Baybay for your replies. They're very helpful. Fizzypish, I'm glad to hear your relationship with your mother improved as you got older. I had a difficult relationship with my own mother in teen years, but it improved after I went away to college. Neyite, I agree probably small changes would be best. I do love my job here and have great colleagues - it's not the job I was really moving for, but just to get away. I visit my childen once a week with food, but even that I find too much. Just being in their company, knowing that there has been very little apology, a little from my son, but absolutely none from my daughter, makes me feel very uneasy, sad and lonely, a sadness and loneliness that I don't experience usually, or with any one else. You are right also that they might never apologise. My daughter has said the most awful stuff to other people about me, some of which I heard back, including that I am a 'fu..king psycho' and beat her up. None of it is true. From the age of 12 she shouted and screamed at me for hours each evening, and refused to participate in any chores - pocket money and privileges were stopped but to no avail. She would threaten to call social workers, and have them both taken away, and said she would ruin my relationship with my son. I gave her the number for social services, but she never called them. My son goes on about how I never fed him properly, but I love cooking and all meals were cooked from scratch for my daughter and I - he would not eat anything except chicken nuggets and cereals to age 15. He states that I never noticed his mental health was poor as teenager, but I spent hours trying to get him to talk to me, and the many times I arranged counsellors, he refused to go. He states I was always angry with him, but I spent my time chasing after him, as he would be out with older teens, not answering his phone, refusing to come home on time, and then on occasion coming home drunk. At the time, I seemed to be the only mother checking up on my son out of all his friends. It's like I don't recognise the childhood they're talking about, the childhood where I stayed at home for 5 years, and worked part-time for another 7, and where they had music lessons (2 instruments each), Gaelteacht, water sports, grinds, holidays abroad etc. I think all of you are right that I need to have more of a life of my own, and concentrate on me. There is the possibility of selling my home and moving about 40 kilometres away to a bungalow on a 0.5 acre site. I love gardening, and am involved in two different gardening clubs, but don't have enough garden space to grow all that I want. I would still be able to commute to work. I would have enough left from sale of my own home to buy a decent, maybe electric car for the commute, but there is also a commuter bus that would be only 2km from the house. My partner thinks this is by far the best option for me. Thanks again, all of your comments and advice have been so helpful

Hannibal_Smith

It must be very frustrating to see the kids move on with their lives and you're still feeling the effects of what they did.

When someone has caused you massive hurt and distress an apology or an acknowledgement of what they did is sometimes all you're after. But it's not always what people get. Sometimes you have to find that element to help you move on elsewhere.

I would imagine your son sees it as he's changed from the person he was and doesn't want to be reminded of it. Everytime he is reminded of it he kicks off. It's his way of protecting himself from the damage he caused whether rightly or wrongly. And I suppose one element of him not falling back into the way he was is to move forward and not look back. If you bring it up, you're bringing him back to a place he is trying so hard to move away from.

I think you have to find a way of moving on and without the apology or remorse from the people who caused all this hardship to you. So that you can move on with your life. Neighbours mentioning it to you are just nosey gossips and I'd put no value in what they say. Most parents would feel nothing but absolute empathy for you and your situation.

I don't think moving is the answer, although the bungalow move does sound a lot better than the Wales one. I think you're carrying all this pain with you and its now influencing you to such an extent you want to move from a job and a partner both of which you love in order to try and escape it.

I can't imagine your children will do any kind of family counselling, not yet anyway. But I think you should try counselling again yourself. Or maybe there are support groups for parents who have been through similar that you might benefit from talking to?

Neyite

Hannaho, why are you bothering with them? Going with food every week - to adults?? And to adults who blame you for all their woes, rewrite history, revel in lying for attention, and here you are still pandering to them. In the nicest possible way, they aren't going to realise how good they have it and have had it until they have to stand on their own two feet. And they can't do that when you are running around after them. Ever heard the phrase "detach with love"? I'm not saying you should cut them off or anything but just... begin to fill your days with things you want to do. Things that give you pleasure and peace. If it's queried, all you have to say is that they are grown up now, and it's time for you to try out some hobbies and interests you didn't have time for before this.

Think seriously about moving to that bungalow you have your eye on if your partner move there with you. Plan that lovely garden and fill your days how you want, They are adults now, while you are still their mother, your job as a hands-on mammy running around after them is done.

I would also, if I were you, start reconciling yourself to the idea that they won't ever see the error of their ways. That they were and continue to be, self centered individuals and make your peace with that. And that way, if they do somehow have a Road to Damascus revelation of their behaviour at some point, great! but if not, your life and your emotions aren't waiting for that moment.

Tork

Hannaho, you are allowing your children to govern your every move and it's leading you down a path that could leave you in a very bad place. Neyite hit the nail on the head when she suggested you want to move to Wales to shock them into realising what they've driven you to. Tactics like this never work, especially with these ingrates. The only person you'll be hurting is you, and you could easily find yourself alone and lonely. I don't think you can see what damage this harebrained idea is going to do to your relationship. You are lucky to have this man in your life and instead of working on making him your #1 priority, you've bumped him down the list, behind these children of yours who treat you like sh*t. It wouldn't surprise me if he is quietly having doubts. On that, is there any reason why you haven't moved in with him? Would that be on the cards if you weren't rushing off to Wales? You'd think that by now, you'd be planning on building a life for him and you.

Instead of that, you're pandering to your adult children who don't respect you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. You've been trying to make them like you for a long time and it hasn't worked. That isn't going to change. You've been advised on this thread to reduce contact with them and to make a life for yourself where they can't move in with you. That makes far more sense than rushing off to a foreign country, in the vain hope that you can recreate a past life. You can never fully go back to anywhere, you know.

Jequ0n

Do you what’s really striking, OP? With each post you emphasise how much you did for your children, and that they had everything they could have wanted, and how they don’t want to discuss the hurt and damage they caused you.

Have you ever considered what caused them to turn against you in the first place? By your own account your children seem to blame you for a lot of things as well, and they both seem to have shown unusual, or antagonistic behaviour early on. If you are unwilling to discuss their allegations then why do you think they would be willing to to a knowledge that they treated you poorly?

They don’t want you to bring them food, or discuss how much you did for them. If you want to change this you probably need to start rebuilding the relationship from scratch and agree to go of the grudges.

I don’t know if this can be achieved without professional help, but it would probably be beneficial at this stage. You have a better chance this way than by running to Wales and hoping they will change their minds.

AndrewJRenko

Just a practical point - I'd have thought that kind of journey to/from Wales every second weekend would be very tiring when you're in your 50s, especially if you're coming straight from work and heading straight back to work on your return. I'm not sure it would feasible in the long term.

Best of luck with whatever you choose.

Faith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118461052#Comment_118461052

Absolutely. I lived 30 minutes from Holyhead for a period, and even getting to Dublin port from there took a full evening - 30 minute drive to the ferry, arrive at least 30 minutes before departure, 3.5 hour sailing and about 30 mins for disembarkation. That's all of Friday night and most of Sunday. Not to mention, travelling by car would cost a fortune - probably €400-€500 each return trip. It's a lot cheaper to do it on foot, of course, if someone will pick you up and drop you off at Dublin.

I also think @Jequ0n made a valid point. I'd wonder what your childrens' perspectives are on everything, and why they think they acted the way they did towards you. It's very, very difficult for us to see the negative impact of our behaviours on others without a lot of uncomfortable introspection, and that often requires a therapist to facilitate in a family therapy setting. Your children with have their own perspectives on their upbringing that need to be taken into account too.

Hannaho

Thanks, Andrew Renko and Faith re comments about Wales. I know the journey would be a lot, and practically it would be very difficulty. I think I may be overestimating my energy, and thinking I am 30 years younger. I did love my job there in my 20s - my manager there is still there but retiring at the end of this year. I also loved Wales. On the other side though, I love my job here in Ireland, the company I work for is great, and my colleagues are lovely people.

JequOn - I don't bring food over without asking. My children are college students now. They live in a house that a member of my family owns, but no longer wants to rent out. They live rent free there, but I pay all the bills including internet, bins, heat, ESB, as well as having to pay the bills on my own house. They could have stayed living at home, and there would not be a second lot of bills if all that did happen with them had not happened. I bring them over food because they ask for it. They both have part-time jobs, but they still always rely on me for household bills and food. I don't know whether I should be paying all this for them.

Re apologising to them. I was a good enough mother, but like all mothers I am not perfect. The stuff that my daughter says happened - that I beat her up - never happened. I can't apologise for something that didn't happen. I asked my son had he ever seen me hit my daughter/his sister, and he said no.. I gave my daughter lots of opportunities to contact Tusla about her allegations but she did not do so. Re the other stuff - my son said his mental health was poor in mid teenage years, and I did not notice, and that we were always arguing. Yet, I still have the appointment letters that I received for my son to attend various cousnelling services, but he did not attend. He eventually attended one service and told them everything was grand at home. It was not until he got involved with hiding drugs that he had no choice but to attend counselling through the Garda Youth Diversion Programme - it was mandatory, and it was immensely helpful to him. When I ask him did he realise why we were arguing so much during his teenage years, he can't/won't remember, but when I remind him that he refused to answer his phone for hours, turned off his phone, stayed out until after midnight as a mid teen, refused to come home, came home drunk on several occasions, and on one occasions his friends put him on a train home, and he missed his stop as he was out cold. He then remembers this, and the fact that he hung around with a very bad crowd. At that time, no matter what I said, or discussed with him, these people were his real friends - he now knows that they were not his real friends. I can't apologise for something that I should have been doing as a mother, i.e. doing everything possible to keep my son safe. I did apologise for moving down home to care for my aunt for a year while she was dying. She was like a mother to me, and had no children or siblings alive to care for her. My son was 9 when we moved for the year. My son found his sister's behavior hugely difficult as a teenager. He minimises it now, but other people spotted how domineering she was and how much attention her dramatic behaviours had on him. My daughter would scream and shout the house down before school, if a pencil was missing from her pencil case, if the breakfast that she liked to eat was not there. She would shout and scream at me from when she came home in the evening until she went to bed around 9/10 p.m. It was always blame about something small, the dinner, that I had asked her to help out with chores, dishwasher etc. She refused to do any chores to help around the house, so my son often had to do hers too. Although always a prickly and domineering child - children have different inborn personalities - her behavior escalated wildly when she was 11/12 and became unbearable in teens. She couldn't keep friends. If I had her friends over, she would have fallen out with them by the end of the evening. As mentioned above she threatened to call Tusla on me though her allegations of abuse were false, and she knew I could lose my job if she made such allegations. She used to say she would destroy my relationship with my son. I have to go for cancer screening 3 x times a year due to high genetic risk. When they asked me pre secondary school why I needed to go to these appointments, I explained that it was cancer prevention, but my daughter later screamed at me that she hoped I would die, in front of her brother, who was bawling. My daughter bullied my son, and is very jealouis of him. Things accademically came easier to him, and he found it easier to make friends. I stepped in so many times to prevent her bullying. This I think took its toal on him. The shouting and screaming that my duaghter did every day after school had its impact too, as a lot of the time I was trying to defend myself and get her to stop. There is no social service here for parents who are being abused by their children. You just have to carry on, hope they improve and wait it out until they are 18 and can leave. I think all this probably made my son quite vulnerable during teenage years.

Jequ0n

I’m sorry because this is not what you want to hear, OP. I really hope you decide to talk to someone who can help you to repair the relationship with your children because I don’t think you can do this by yourself.

You see yourself as a victim of your children, but it’s not as simple as that. Your children started acting out for a reason, even if you don’t want to see that. Yes they treated you appallingly, but this didn’t just happen overnight.

Everything you have to say about your daughter is so negative that it is hardly surprising she doesn’t want to engage with you. And why did your son decide to follow his sibling’s guidance rather then yours? Have you ever thought about this?

I hope you can resolve this but there seems to be so much bitterness on both sides that this will be a long road.

Faith

My daughter would scream and shout the house down before school, if a pencil was missing from her pencil case, if the breakfast that she liked to eat was not there. She would shout and scream at me from when she came home in the evening until she went to bed around 9/10 p.m. It was always blame about something small, the dinner, that I had asked her to help out with chores, dishwasher etc. She refused to do any chores to help around the house, so my son often had to do hers too. Although always a prickly and domineering child - children have different inborn personalities - her behavior escalated wildly when she was 11/12 and became unbearable in teens. She couldn't keep friends. If I had her friends over, she would have fallen out with them by the end of the evening. As mentioned above she threatened to call Tusla on me though her allegations of abuse were false, and she knew I could lose my job if she made such allegations. She used to say she would destroy my relationship with my son. 

If this is really what your daughter was like, then it sounds likely that there was an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental issue at play, or possibly she experienced some kind of trauma that you're unaware of. I wouldn't dismiss behaviour like that as an "inborn personality" - it sounds like she had needs that were not being met. Saying this is not about attributing fault or blame in anyway, but it's to highlight that things aren't as simple as "she's always been awful and it must just be her personality". Children with unmet needs act in a way that is designed to try and get their needs met, whatever those needs are.

All that being said, I do think the best thing for you to do right now is seek support in healing yourself and establishing distance and boundaries with your children. If your current counsellor isn't helping, ask your GP for a referral to someone else with experience in working with these issues.

buster parnel

Hi op I had a son like yours using drugs and demanding money I called the guards and got him into foster care as would not tolerate his behavior I took him back eventually so he could finish school as tousla were not to bothered if he went to school anyway to make a long story short he is still in the house using drugs has no money and borrowing off me my next stage is now to get a barring order and get him out of house… I don’t care if he likes me or not your children are calling all the shots they know you care too much I had no partner to back me up had to deal with it all…I have thought about moving but really you are hurting and only running away from your problems …time to practice some tough love

Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, just stop all you're doing for your children - you are COMPLETELY enabling them. Why are you paying their bills? Why are you bringing them food?? Why are they not paying rent??? You're kowtowing to their every whim while at the same time wondering why they don't respect you. The reason is absurdly simple: you've given them absolutely no reason to. Whatever the reasons for their historical (and current) behaviour, you've shown them that there are absolutely no consequences for them, and taught them again and again and again that no matter how sh!ttily they treat you, you'll continue to pander to them. Why would they change? You've given them absolutely zero reason to do so.

You need to cut these entitled little brats off and get yourself into counselling ASAP.