In absolute despair

Shhk11

Very distressed so please stick with me.

I have an 11 year old and now a new baby. I didn't date for years but fell madly in love in early 2020 with someone who I thought I would be with for life. We talked about family and marriage. He constantly told me how amazing we were, how much he loved me, how he couldn't wait to start a family with me.

Fast forward to December,I fell pregnant. We were over the moon. Hormones started to kick in and I felt really insecure and felt as if he didn't love me as much. After one of my dr appts, I got upset that he didn't contact me and just went on a rant through text that if he doesn't love me, we should break up. He took this very bad but I apologised.

He was always insecure about men on.my Facebook or Instagram, I never spoke to any of them but fights started over this. Between Oct and Feb we barely saw each other because he was front line and I was pregnant (we hadn't yet moved in together). Out of the blue on Valentine’s Day he broke up with me over text. To say I was devastated is an understatement. We spent the rest of the pregnancy arguing and me very angry as I felt he gave up over nothing, when we didn't even see each other.

This had been an intense, amazing love up until the pregnancy.

I spent the pregnancy alone and had my baby late Summer. Things settled into a routine of him coming to see the baby in the evenings. We were civil and friendly at times. Christmas Eve he kissed me which prompted me to ask him if there was a chance to make a go of a family.

He was cruel and basically said he doesn't want a relationship. I feel like the whole year has been a blur and because I got angry early on, full of hormones and so sick, he gave up on us.

I'm know a single mam of two kids, two different dads and i worry what society will think of me. I always wanted to marry, settle down and have 2 more kids. I have another gorgeous baby but I feel so depressed that I feel like I cant enjoy it. Ive ruined my chance of happiness because of hormones and insecurity. I really don't know what to do or think. Any help appreciated.

Idle Passerby

Sorry to hear your going through such a hardtime OP. I don't have much advice to offer but couldn't leave you without some sort of feedback to your post.

First of all, don't Beat yourself up about your hormones ruining your chances. I think your ex was a classic example of someone who talks big at the start but has no follow through. People who promise the moon and stars soon after meeting them rarely turn out to be one ones who stick around for the long haul. Look at it this way, if he really intended for the relationship to last, he wouldn't have fled at the first hurdle.

Try not to dwell on what others will think of you having two kids with different father's. The people who care about that don't matter and the people who matter won't care. It doesn't need to stop you meeting someone genuine.

Tork

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. What's so sad is that you're blaming all of this on yourself. I believe that's far from the case and that you'd still be in much the same place you are now, even if things had taken a different path. I agree with Idle Passerby's assessment of your ex and those promises he made to you at the start. I've seen so many posts here about relationships that went from 0-60 in no length of time, then crashed and burned. It was very easy for your ex to say all those nice words when your future together was hypothetical. As soon as reality (i.e. the baby) came along, it blew the fantasies out of the water. I believe he was only waiting for an excuse to cut and run. Are you sure it was just your hormones making you feel insecure at the start of the pregnancy or was it your gut telling you that this guy wasn't going to be there for you? If your relationship was strong enough, a few wobbles wouldn't have broken you up. Covid was a godsend for him and a great excuse for him to stay away. I have the feeling that if the pandemic hadn't come along, he'd have cooked up another excuse to bail. In short, this guy has let you down horribly and he's not the person you thought he was. I hope you can find a way to co-parent with him, and that he proves to be a better father than boyfriend. It might be time to quietly seek some legal advice to establish where both of you stand and to protect you and your child.

There are lots of women out there who've got kids by different fathers. Does anybody bat an eyelid? Relationships break down all the time and people's lives don't always work out the way they'd planned. You've been thrown quite a curveball but you will find your way through it. It's good that your older child is 11 because he/she is getting to the age where they can look after themselves and can help you out. Have you got any family who can support you too? Please don't try to do this alone if you can avoid it.

YellowLead

If you are a kind and good person people won’t judge you, they will see you as a good parent and admire you for holding down the fort solo, don’t worry about what anyone thinks - if somebody thinks badly of you because of that screw them.

What you should take from this experience is a lesson for the future. I take it the second child was unplanned (and potentially the first), no problem with this but do you want it happening a third time and to be raising three solo?

As other posters have said be wary of those who promise eternity right from the get go, it means nothing. This guy got you pregnant as much as you got pregnant, there were two of you in it but he ran away while you are raising your child, be proud of yourself for that.

youll feel better in time and things will be easier as your kids grow. Plenty of single dads out there who would be understanding and happy to date you.

TheadoreT

I mean he doesn't sound great but you clearly went from 0 to 100 in seconds suggesting you should break up after the doctors appointment. That's the beginning of the end of most relationships. Never use that line if its not what you want, and never underestimate the destructive power of using it. Learn to not react in the heat of the moment. It's possible he used it as an easy "out" or he could have really loved you but either way you got what you asked for.

There's many happy or successful or powerful single mothers out there who command the greatest respect. You say you fear how society views you, nobody really cares in reality, you'll be your own biggest enemy in this regard if you believe this narrative.

bitofabind

Someone said something to me once that has really stuck with me and changed the way I talk to myself. When you are going through something hard, don’t double down on yourself and make it twice as hard. Support yourself through it with compassion and love. It’s hard, it’s breaking your heart. Why does it need to be harder than that? What are blame and shame and regret going to do to help you?

They’re not, they’re going to make your life even worse. Choose love and self acceptance instead. You did the best that you knew how to do at the time. You made yourself vulnerable and trusted someone and believed what he said. And he let you down. Let yourself feel that sadness and grief, and the disappointment that comes with being where you are. They are just feelings and you’re just a human like the rest of us. It’s only by acknowledging the hurt and the pain that you can begin to move on. And move on you will, because life is relentless like that.

What can you do today to be a little bit kinder to yourself? Are you getting the support you need right now with the baby?

notAMember

There’s a reason people commit legally before babies, pregnancy and child rearing is hard going. Hormones, lack of sleep, expectations, insecurity. given the opportunity, crappy men will leg it and abandon the family they created. It’s not your fault OP, you were led along and ditched the second it wasn’t fun enough.

Focus on making sure your child is protected legally and you have financial support for the baby long term.

Shhk11

How do I tell my parents my relationship has broken down with a guy they love and someone who is the father to my baby?

The gaslighting and abuse is insane but they love him and constantly say "Don't let go of him"

How can I move on when i have to see him most days? I'm so heartbroken. I also feel so broken and insecure that I feel like he will find someone better and ill be in bits again.

I dont understand why I can see how abusive the relationship is, yet I feel like I cant do this. Im letting everyone down.

YellowLead

I think once you open up to them (assuming you have a good relationship with your parents) you will feel much much better OP.

Have you confided in any friends? Talking it through and opening up is so hard, but so worth it.

Very difficult to get over him when you have to see him most days, perhaps you could work on limiting that interaction depending on circumstances. It’s probably dependence you feel for him rather than love given the abuse - building up your confidence should help with removing your reliance on him.

Hopefully you can access therapy to build up your confidence.

Jequ0n

it would probably help if you kept everything in one thread.

The man broke up with you almost a year ago, and told you again recently that he does not want to be with you. Have you let them to believe that you are still together until now?

You did not mention abuse before, but if you think this is what is happening you should probably talk to a support centre and limit contact to a minimum for the sake of your child.

Hannibal_Smith

You did the right thing in making the break. Trust yourself in that. You did the best thing for yourself and your children.

Once you explain to your parents the depths of the issues, it may change their perspective on whether you should hold on to him. All they've seen is one side to him, which I am guessing is a very charming side? Even when there hasn't been abuse, telling people you've broken up because it's simply the best thing for you both is difficult. Remember no matter what anyone else says, you've done the right thing for you.

Given how long its been since the break up, I think it would help to talk to someone. Start with your GP, who can make recommendations for you. Get help in making the break up more certain, so everyone knows where they are.

Big Bag of Chips

I have merged your 2 threads, Shhk11. Manipulative people are very good at putting on a front. But more often than they think lots of people see through it. I’m sure if you sit with your family and explain how he treats you you will find your family a great support. I find it very strange that your family constantly say “Don’t let go of him”. And I think if they do say that, they’d change their attitude very quickly once they found out how you’re being treated. Maybe they are saying it from the angle of it being such a new relationship and having a baby so soon and to give the relationship a chance, but I can guarantee if I knew my child was in an abusive relationship I would want to support her in keeping her and my grandchildren safe.

Talk to your family. Admit how bad things are. You won’t be the last woman left holding the baby from a feckless father. If he’s really that great he will step up and be a good co-parent with you. If he doesn’t, your family won’t be long about seeing his true colours.

Tork

I have two separate trains of thought on this. One is that that you haven't told your family the whole truth about what has been going on, and they're basing their words on fiction. They're seeing the same guy you did at the start, who swept you off your feet and made you feel you finally hit the jackpot. They may be coming to this from a place of concern and misinformation. The other train of thought is that your family are a bit conservative and this is where your shame about two kids/two fathers is coming from. They'd be happier if you were paired up in a nice tidy nuclear family situation, with hopefully a wedding down the line.

Either way, you need to be open with them and explain that he isn't the person they think he is, and that you're not going to be getting back together. It's up to you how much you tell them, but I think you should open up and be honest. It's telling that you were very slow to reveal to strangers on the internet that the relationship was abusive, so I can only imagine how hard it will be to admit to your nearest and dearest. But you should - you don't need them in your ear urging you to save this relationship when you're in bits and struggling with having him in your life. As you've learned to your cost, a relationship with him isn't going to happen and he could have been much kinder.

What's sad to read is the line "...I also feel so broken and insecure that I feel like he will find someone better and I'll be in bits again." Your self-esteem is so poor, you believe you're not good enough for him (or for anyone else?). For people like this guy, there is no such thing as someone better. Someone better could become another person he can love bomb and discard when he tires of them. Perhaps he zoned in on you because he sensed you had such low self-esteem?

You have a lot of feelings for this guy still and trotting out negative words like gaslighting and abusive are for other people, not for you. It is going to be hard for you to move on when you're co-parenting with him. For starters, boundary lines need to be redrawn for everyone's sake. I think that's where professional help will come in. I think you should contact your GP and see where you can start.

Regarding g the bit where you worry about society judging you. I would hope most people are a bit more broad minded now and that this would not be a factor with anyone who has a speck of humanity about them.

My late mother used always say that when children enter the picture they are in direct competition for the woman’s affection toons and that she had seen that throw a spanner in the world of many a friend’s marriage (we are talking 50s/60s so it was invariably marriage back in the day). Depending on their maturity level and upbringing, some men could feel they come second after the new child. Of course back in those days, there was no divorce and women were often financially dependent on their husbands, and usually the relationship fell back into harmony because in practicality it more or less had to. Now, people rightly having way more flexibility in a relationship, it very much depends on both parties being in accord most of the time.

I hope that by hook or by crook you will find contentment.

Salient Verb

tbh OP, I'd just a man who walked out on a newborn far more harshly than the woman who is doing her best to look after her child.

This man told you, before you got pregnant, that he couldn't wait to start a family with you. That presumably influenced your decision to have unprotected sex with him. He broke up with you over text without warning while you were pregnant. He then kissed you on Christmas Even just past and when you, not unreasonably, asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with you again, he was cruel and dismissive of you.

This man really is no good. How many children does HE have with different women? You know you do get these men who go around getting women pregnant after making them feel secure enough and then walking out on them? He sounds a bit like he might one of them.

Yonce

What a rough time op.

But also a time where you can reflect and never get in the same situation again. You've only had a baby and it takes months even years to recover, if we even are the same person again after a baby. If it were me I wouldn't even consider anything about relationships and what people would think at this early stage. I'd focus on me and my beautiful children and only ye. Focus on becoming strong and independent, a good solid mother for now that's all. Focus on your life and no one else. People will always find something to judge you on if its not having two kids to two different dads then it'll be something else. I'd focus now on making good solid freendships/family ties that'll stand by you and give you support.

Look on the positive side, you dodged a massive looser.

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118446925#Comment_118446925

Was going to post something similar to this. Focus on what is best for you and your children. Be honest with everyone including your parents. If people decide to be assholes in the face of the truth, to hell with them.

I'd be reluctant to judge your former partner as a loser without knowing the whole whole story. It will be difficult to move on with a life romantically independent of him, as you see him most days, but that's what you need to do. You are right to think he will have new girlfriends and now is the time to steel yourself for that eventuality.

Why not take the initiative and lay the ground rules yourself. Tell him that you have accepted the relationship is over and that ye are both free agents now from a dating standpoint. Only do this if you truly believe it. Don't use it as some kind of tactic.

Your future plans, to help deliver a 'best life' for you, should only include this guy as an ex-partner who is the father of one of your children.

Loads of women in your situation get up, get organised, fight and find happiness. Bet on yourself and good luck.