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Things seem good, but I'm miserable

  • 11-12-2021 2:19am
    Registered Users Posts: 44

    Mid 30s, married with 2 young kids. Looking from the outside everything seems great, but I can't help focusing in the negatives and being constantly miserable as a result.

    Growing up I was the runt of the litter, short, ugly and pretty terrible at sports but fairly above average at school. The problems with my appearance and athletic ability I kind of bargained away that because of my academic ability I would eventually have a lucrative career, become rich and have the last laugh.

    Fast forward 20 years and things have almost turned on their head. I've a beautiful wife and 2 great kids and my poor athletic ability is much less of an issue now!

    The problem is my career and wealth. Frankly I chose a fairly poor career path which is neither lucrative nor enjoyable. As a result, my wealth and earnings are way behind my peers. I had been looking at a career change over the years, but the more family commitments I've got, the more trapped I've become.

    We've been planning to move closer to home for a few years now, so I've never bought a house and getting on the property ladder is becoming increasingly unaffordable.

    Sorry if this seems obnoxious, I know people have real problems, but I can't help but be miserable despite how seemingly good I have things. Can anyone advise?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,332 ✭✭✭NSAman

    Athletic ability means feck all.

    money means nothing, it’s a means to live is all.

    Forget about comparing yourself to your peers, live YOUR life!

    you have a beautiful wife, two fabulous kids…things others would be totally jealous of.

    forget what other people have, look at what YOU have. Wishing you were richer, better looking, had a bigger nob…it’s all BS… enjoy what you have NOW…once it’s gone, then you know what you REALLY have.

  • Registered Users Posts: 10 franmil

    The way i would look at it is try to be better than what you were yesterday. Money means nothing. Comparing yourself to other people even less.

  • Registered Users Posts: 254 ✭✭nialler1978

    having A young family without owning a home can put enormous pressure on men and be debilitating in terms of your own self worth which by your own admission hasn’t been too good since your younger days. This is compounded by the fact that in the last few years the increasing difficulties of home ownership is all you hear about all day everyday coupled with the threat of rent hikes or eviction. I think your feelings are very valid and are not something you should feel guilty about or trivialise. I wouldn’t let these feelings and concerns fester as they could develop into something worse and your mental health is paramount with young kids in the mix. As a first step and as basic as it sounds, I would try and find a few hours to yourselves somehow and sit down with the wife and lay out all your thoughts and feelings on various things and this will lighten the load and provide some relief initially. Try and map out some kind of concrete plan or something to aim for be or career wise, financial, geographic etc.. Something that will ignite your ambition and confidence will emerge. Best of luck.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,296 ✭✭✭CPTM

    I think nearly everyone has to deal with 'What could have been'. Especially because things are so much clearer in retrospect. But really you picked the path you're on for whatever reason and had you gone a different route maybe you would have felt uneasy about it for a long time.

    Money is great but it's nothing really but a voucher for comfort. If you can live somewhat comfortably you're not really missing out on a whole lot else.

    I would try and face more forward. Come up with some kind of a plan knowing that things really can change in ways you can't always imagine. Especially for those who are brave enough to explore different ideas. If you can find someone who has walked your path but broke free into something more appealing, they would be a good person to talk to. And they would love to tell you all about it so don't hesitate in randomly reaching out to them.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,137 ✭✭✭✭fits

    You use very harsh language talking about yourself op. Maybe it’d be a good idea to tease that out a bit. Not owning a home is a genuine reason to be discontent but it’s little to do with how your peers are doing. You seem to compare yourself to others a lot.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Still stihl waters 3

    You "have a beautiful wife and two great kids" lucky you op, there's plenty would trade the big house to have what you have, you feel trapped because you had family commitments, again lucky for you but I think behind it all its about image and how you'll be seen when you go home as you can't have the "last laugh" by proving to whoever you've succeeded in life

  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Eclectic Dan

    Thanks folks

  • Registered Users Posts: 21 Ceolaguscraic

    Hi OP,

    I'm late 30s, single, having to live at home because I can't afford to rent (lucky that I can live at home). I would happily trade my place for a beautiful wife and two kids!

    However, I think what you're experiencing must be fairly common amongst men and women because I feel the same way myself at least a few times a year. I wonder if it has to do with the darker months but around this time of year I find myself comparing myself much more to friends & family instead of focusing on my own life.

    I have no advice to give you unfortunately but I know from my own experience, focusing on the little things can eventually snap me out of negative thought cycles i.e. getting a walk in some sunshine today, being there for somebody else when they need an ear, being grateful for a good night's sleep. It may sound corny but it might help a little!

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,203 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx

    OP, maybe consider having a chat with your doctor about your general health and how you are feeling. The last (almost) two years has had a negative impact on almost all of us, of course but it's no harm to check if it's anything deeper that's going on with you.

    Mind yourself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 823 ✭✭✭Liberty_Bear


    Sorry to hear you are feeling that way. As other suggested a good GP should take on board what you say and be able to advise on a course of action. Dont self denigrate, it feeds back into a vicious cycle. You have managed to raise what I assume are two wonderful kids and a husband. The status of money is nothing in the grander scheme of things when you look at things holistically. If you think a counsellor might be good, the ICAP has a list of them.

    Wishing you the best

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  • Registered Users Posts: 980 ✭✭✭Pinoy adventure

    Having loads of money can make one become cannot make you happy it’s the stuff that money buys can make you happy.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    I don't mean this in a bad way but only someone who has never been truly broke can say 'money means nothing'. Money isn't everything, but the security it buys for you and your family can't be discounted when it comes to peace of mind.

    OP, you are living through what will probably be the most stressful years of your life, young kids are a massive strain on anyone's mental health, imo, even though we rarely discuss it in those terms. Anyhow, your worries are real.

    Can you expedite your move home OP? family supports and maybe cheaper house prices (?) might help a bit.