How do you become assertive/less of a pushover without becoming a gobshite?

vithit

I'm a woman in her early 20s and I'm a push over.

I'm a lot more confident than I used to be, but I still struggle with boundaries and standing up for myself. I'm possibly the easiest person to guilt trip. I hate causing anyone the slightest inconvenience and I never ask for help, I hate annoying people.

There's hundreds of examples throughout my life but what happened today jumped out at me, as another classic example. A friend I've had for 3 years got a car over summer so he's been giving me lifts every weekend. He passes through my hometown on the way home/ to college (both of us are students who work weekends at out respective hometowns). He's started giving a lift to a girl who was a few years below me in school. She's in his course. She has only been getting lifts the last 4 weekends. She asked me twice to "let me know if you're getting a lift with "Dan" on Friday". She explained that her friend "Rachel" (who neither me nor Dan know) wants a lift and "she really wants the lift, but if you're going she can'tttt". I immediately said "oh it's OK, I'll just get the bus Friday evening instead so". I felt guilty, even though I'm the one who actually pays a little towards fuel and have been his friend for 3 years. Girlie has known him like 2 months and they're barely mates and now she's kicking ME out of the car for her mate that the driver doesn't even know? Like why am I paying €20+ to get a stuffy bus so some girl I don't know can get a lift with my friend? I want to stop being this way. Not to become a gobshite, but just to have a spine?

Faith

I mean, it's Dan's car so it's Dan's decision who travels in it. Why did you think it was your place to make that decision on his part?

I'm not sure if this is an assertiveness issue or a boundaries issue, from that example. The reply should have been something like "Hi, it's Dan's car so I'd suggest Rachel talks directly to him to see if he's happy to drive her, whether he has space and what she'll owe him for fuel. It's not my place to decide who travels in someone else's car.".

In my experience, the people who try hardest to avoid inconveniencing others are often the most inconvenient. Dan presumably planned around you travelling in the car, and you potentially created a headache for him by abruptly changing your plans for no reason. It sounds like you're reacting without thinking things through, which might by why you feel unassertive.

Tork

The first thought that crossed my mind here was "What does Dan think about this?". Did you actually talk to him about these plans? Straight away you jumped to all sorts of conclusions without having all the facts. You assumed the worst, which could well be a self-esteem issue. My interpretation of this is that the other friend manoeuvred you out of the car share, then presented the new arrangement to Dan as a done deal. It's quite cheeky and if I was Dan, I wouldn't be happy. If Dan is a friend, why did you assume straight away that you would be the one to be dropped? That isn't what friends do to each other.

TobyHolmes

Talk to Dan. He prob is thinking the same thing about the new addition to the car share.

TobyHolmes

and how to become more confident about expressing how you feel to other people aka "assertive"? practice it.

bottlebrush

Agree with the previous poster but for future reference think before you reply and if you can't think of an answer say something like 'I'll come back to you on that'. To be fair in this case she didn't 'kick you out', she made a statement to suss out your reaction and you immediately made a decision as to who did or didn't travel in another persons car. In fact it wasn't even up to the girl to decide that her friend should also get a lift! You could have got around it by saying your friend will need to talk to Dan about that.

Also you need to examine why you think other peoples needs trump your own. Work on your self esteem. I know it's very easy to get caught on the spot in things like this, but remember also that the word 'no' is a full sentence!

vithit

Thanks guys.

To clarify, Dan didn't say much but didn't seem happy about it. He said "oh I wouldn't worry, there's plenty of room in the car" and said "sure we'll talk about this during the week (my name)". I reckon he's a wee bit scared of yer one, as am I, clearly. She's a very bossy type.

B.A._Baracus

I get why people are saying it's Dan's choice as its his car. That also means it's not this girls choice to bump the op so her mate Rachel can get a lift either. It's one thing for this girl to ask op If she is going. Another to ask twice and say how Rachel 'really wants to go' and can't if op goes. What's wrong with Rachel getting the bus? Op is Dan's mate.

Op, I believe in order to stop being a push over or so nice you have to experience things like this. Things that make you go hold on a minute... hence this thread.

Start to suit yourself more. Cause want to know a secret? Nearly everyone on this planet does. Don't get me wrong, you can bend over backwards for family or close friends. Not strangers or acquaintances.

HildaOgdenx

Passive behaviour which was what you exhibited in this case leaves you feeling annoyed with yourself, and possibly annoying another person, in this case, a friend. There's nothing wrong with choosing an 'I don't mind' response from time to time, if you genuinely don't mind.

But say a friend wants to meet for lunch, and asks where will we go? You know that they will always pick a certain restaurant that you hate, but you say 'I don't mind' and end up feeling resentful, when you had the chance at the start, to say what about X or Y, places that you know you both like.

Read up on different types of behaviour and make sure that you know the difference between assertive and aggressive. Sometimes people confuse the two, and think that being assertive is all about shouting others down and getting your own way at all costs. No, that is aggressive.

This will sound ridiculously simplistic but it works. Always pause before answering. It gives you time to choose your response or reaction to a situation. Handing over your own power to someone else will invariably leave you feeling disgruntled at the outcome.

Girlie has known him like 2 months and they're barely mates and now she's kicking ME out of the car for her mate that the driver doesn't even know? Like why am I paying €20+ to get a stuffy bus so some girl I don't know can get a lift with my friend?

She didn't though. You did this, by agreeing to it. As pp have said, it's Dan's car. You had an arrangement, it's not up to you or anyone else to change that without even consulting him.

Have a look on Amazon and see what recommendations there are on books about behaviour and as I said, especially recognising types of behaviour. If you know someone who is good at asserting themselves and maintaining their boundaries, quietly observe how they handle situations and take things from there.

Strumms

“I hate causing anyone the slightest inconvenience and I never ask for help, I hate annoying people.”

This has to change... if you spend all your energy worrying about avoiding inconveniencing people...

you need to spend your energy enabling and prioritizing your own happiness and wellbeing ...if at times that means saying no to people so be it...

will you be happy in your twilight years sitting back thinking “ well I didn’t inconvenience anyone really “..

you are probably inconveniencing yourself without realizing...make steps to change...

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118276785#Comment_118276785

Just to say, some people see the world only as it applies to them. I have a sibling a bit like that. Major surprise when she realises very very occasionally, that actually everything isn't about her. But, anyway.

This time you can be prepared. Your answer is no, that doesn't suit me (travelling by bus). Don't get into long explanations or finding solutions for her or her friend. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Make sure Dan is in the picture, not in the sense of drawing him into drama, just saying politely to him, see you on Friday, or whatever.

dinneenp

Not sure if this helps you- when there's a situation that you feel uncomfortable/where you think you'd be annoying someone ask yourself-

• how would you feel if someone asked you the question/thing you're going to say? (the odds are you wouldn't be put out/annoyed)
• what's the worst that could happen? How unlikely is that outcome?
• what's the realistic reaction?

Sounds ridiculous, but try role playing the scenarios with someone. You'll feel stronger and more confident already.

Good luck,

Pa.

spaceHopper

You need to slow down your thought process here. 

Always ask yourself is this OK? If it was happening to say your sister or brother assuming you have one. What would you advise them? This way you are taking the I don't want to upset xyz or to please them out of the situation. 

Am I going to be at a disadvantage if I do this?

Would they do it for me? 

If I say "No" what's the worst the could happen. Would I you lose a friend of this small thing is so then it's probably no harm.

Once you open your eyes to people who use you, you learn to spot it much faster and shut it down.

In this case you could have said, yea I need to go to college on Friday what would she do?

Tork

I wholeheartedly agree with the previous posters who have advised you to slow down and think before you say anything. You aren't obliged to say give an answer straight away, and if you take a moment or two to process things, it can make quite a difference to the reply you give. This doesn't just apply to a situation like yours either, by the way. Taking a sip of water before answering a question in a job interview is a recommended way of stopping to gather one's thoughts. How long did it take you to realise you'd dug yourself into this hole?

It sounds like your friend Dan has assertiveness issues of his own too. How many people can his car comfortably seat? If he doesn't speak up soon, he could end up permanently ferrying Miss Bossy and her friend, while you're stuck taking the bus. Or he'll have the three of you in his car. It's his car so it should be up to him to decide who travels in it. Learning to say "No" or "It doesn't suit me" are invaluable life skills and will get you out of all sorts of bother. As you've learned, there are people out there who are users and will shamelessly walk all over you unless you put a stop to it. At the very least, Dan should decide how many people he wants to carry in his car. If it's only 2 passengers, he should tell Miss Bossy that she and her friend can sort out between them which one is to travel with him. He doesn't have to justify to her or to anybody else who comes in the car with him.

shesty

Oh the answer to that is "well it's Dan's car, so talk to Dan".

That simple. And yes, if something doesn't actually suit you, and may inconvenience someone else, then stop and think before you answer. I'd go back to that girl and say "sorry, I shouldn't actually have responded about the lift because it isn't my car - Dan actually comes through my town and it would be best to talk to him before you tell your friend anything". It doesn't matter that he may only come through your town to get you, that's his decision to make and it's not up to you to either make it, or defend it.

And park it at that.

Big Bag of Chips

The thing you need to remember OP is you're only early 20s. You have your whole life to grow into the person you want to be. It all comes with age, maturity and experience. I doubt many of us were self assured and assertive in our early 20s. (The ones who were, were usually pushy rather than assertive, like yer wan! They hadn't learned to refine it yet) You're not all that long out of school. It's all a growing and learning experience.

I was a lot like you in my early 20s. I was a people pleaser. I'd tie myself in knots, be a ball of sweat and stress, put myself out massively just to make life marginally easier for someone else! You grow up, you grow older and your own life becomes such that you realise you have to prioritse yourself at times, and you also learn that you don't have to do everything you're asked.

I will still put myself out for some people. My parents, (some of) my siblings, close friends who I know will do the same for me if ever required. But I have gotten better at not taking on the responsibility of everyone else's situation. I've realised if I'm not the one chasing around trying to get things organised for others, someone else will, or the person will figure it out themselves. Don't be too hard on yourself.

You have an agreement with the driver of the car. So next week go back to that agreement. You don't need to discuss it with anyone other than the car driver. Yer wan and her friend will figure something else out. You getting the bus, putting yourself out, being annoyed and frustrated at yourself is only so their lives can be slightly less inconvenienced. If she asks again just say you're getting a lift with Dan. If she says Rachel won't be able to come just say "Oh, right" - and leave it at that. It's not your problem to make sure Rachel gets a lift.

You'll get there. But it will be gradual. Sometimes you'll stand up for yourself, sometimes you'll let people take advantage. But that's life. None of us, absolutely none of us, do the right thing all the time. We get it wrong. We make choices and decisions and kick ourselves wishing we'd done something different. You'll be ok. The fact that you are recognising that you are being taken advantage of means that it's something you will be aware of in the future, and something you will make an effort to not allow happen all the time. (It'll still happen sometimes!)

fizzypish

Hi OP,

Your young and you realize your lack of assertiveness is a problem. That's great! Deal with it now so it doesn't impact you anymore (I pricked about most of my 20s before sorting my own issues, save time if you can ;) ). Be assertive in dealing with this issue. Not trying to be funny. Assertiveness with yourself will help you be assertive with other people. Your time and effort is valuable. Don't waste it on anyone not deserving of it. Don't give it away just for the comfort of other people you don't know. By all means let a mate with a bad back take your seat in the car but not for some random young one you don't know. Assertiveness, I find, is emotionless. If you've ever talked to a Dutch/German person you may have found them blunt. They aren't, just direct. Person A: "Can I take the item you have". Person B: "No. The item is mine". No emotion necessary. Your just giving information clearly. I find this useful as being emotional leads to less clear thinking in my case anyway.

Crack into it OP. Your going to college and that should have some student services. Should be some form of free counseling. Maybe you don't need counseling but they will defiantly point you in the direction of what you do need.

Gluck!

bitofabind

Hi OP. As others have said - you are young, and this is something you will probably learn how to handle with experience.

For me, my "aha" moment with people-pleasing was realising how counter-productive it was. Saying yes to everyone all the time wasn't sustainable in the long-term, so I'd end up letting people down when I bailed on plans I had said "yes" to at the last minute, or failing to deliver on a workload that was impossible and then taking a massive hit to my self-esteem, or - probably most counter-productive - becoming a huge procrastinator because I was constantly overwhelmed by trying to meet everyone else's needs all the time. In your example, it might be damaging your relationship with poor Dan, whose now been signed up to taxi-ing a woman he doesn't know at all around the place.

It's taken years of experience of feeling totally out of control of my own life to realise that I'm a much better version of myself when I'm clear about my own limits, my dealbreakers, and my own needs. The questions I'll ask myself now when there's a request to take on a new work project, or deal with a bunch of social invites, or people requesting my time, my help, whatever, is "does this serve me? Do I have time for this? Is this my need or someone else's need? What does my life look like if I agree to this?"

Of course, all of that is hard to ascertain in the moment, especially when you're dealing with a pushy type of person who suits their own agenda and wants what they want and wants it now. So a simple "let me think about that and get back to you" is totally appropriate. And of course, there are people and situations that you want to go out of your way for, and people that you don't. For me, I can count those people on two hands - family, partner, small circle of friends, and in this particular moment, I'm in a new job that requires a lot of my time because I value my career so I'm willing to put the hours in for a few months.

Try to slow down the conversation when you get these pushy requests in the future. And then ask yourself a few questions about what YOU want to do, and what responding to someone else's need actually will mean for you.

I'm on a warning but, all joking aside, is the other wan better looking than you? Is "Dan" hoping to get a leg over?

---------------------------------------------

Warned for Breach of Charter

vithit

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300947#Comment_118300947

Dan has a boyfriend, but sure, why not?

vithit

Thank you very much to all the real and thoughtful answers guys!

gsi300024v

You could try some therapy, colleges often have 12 or 13 free sessions, why not take them up on that if they have it.

There is a book "Codependent No More", it is a useful read, helps you see things differently.

Also I didn't get that the lady asked you to stop taking the lifts, ,more just her pal would take a lift the days you don't.