How to get a legal separation/divorce from somebody who is stonewalling?

I told my partner of the past 20 years that I want to separate. We are legally married, both live fulltime in the home with the kids, and we both legally own the home equally. There is no violence, infidelity or the like. She agreed to (Legal Aid) Board mediation when she heard there would be a four-month waiting list. I want to move on as soon as possible. I proposed that we pay for private mediation sooner. She said she doesn't want to do that.

Any time I've brought up issues such as the future of the house and kids (I'm trying to plan my post-marriage future) - I want to sell the house, which we both legally own equally, and distribute things 50/50, and also custody of the kids 50/50 - she has rejected them, saying we could both stay in the family home and live separate lives. I've no interest in that as it's merely more continuation of her control. And control is at the heart of this, as it was in the marriage. And she would be very happy to continue on with a sham marriage. I need to move on, but it's increasingly clear that mediation is not going to work and is just giving her extra time to continue as is.

So, how do I initiate proceedings so that a judge will formalise separation as soon as possible? She is not agreeable to anything, so this is the worst possible scenario in terms of financial cost and emotional stress. I also realise that as I'm the guy I'm probably going to lose most. But I've had enough and it's taken years to get the courage to do this so I'm going. However, I have no other options as she is simply keeping her head in the sand and stonewalling any move on my part towards moving on with my life. I have previously consulted a family law solicitor, but we surmised that mediation would work and I would return to that solicitor who would process the request for separation/divorce based upon a mediated agreement.

That is now not going to happen, so how do I progress my legal separation against somebody who resists? And what sort of delay and money am I talking about if I go through the courts? (according to my solicitor I will have to go to the Circuit Court rather than the District Court, although I'm not quite sure why). Could she resist for years my wish to end this marriage? Or do the courts put a time limit to that sort of stonewalling? Thank you.

CPTM

How old are the kids? Might be cleaner if you wait until they're grown and moved out. She might be more willing to separate when that chapter closes.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118265637#Comment_118265637

They're almost 5 and 7, so that's too long more to wait (it would be until the youngest is 23, assuming they go to college). I've only one life and I've wasted too many lonely years already so I need to start living for the first time in years.

How old are u by the way?

Stanford

The only way to move matters on is to have your Solicitor serve proceedings on your spouse. It may take up to 2 years to get into court so best to start matters now, the idea of mediation is to try to resolve issues such as assets, maintenace and access but if your spouse refuges to engage then you have no choice but to let the court decide. Your comments on the house are not usually how things go and it is typical for the court to instruct the male spouse to buy out the female spouse as the kids will not be turfed out.

Get on with the legal proceedings which might incentivise your spouse to engage but there is everything to lose by delaying, most issues are sorted out on the steps of the court anyway, also a Judicial seperation is the business of the Circuit Court not the District Court.

CPTM

I know it's not the personal issues forum but just to say you have been through arguably the most gruelling 5 years of parenting. After 6 years things become a whole lot easier in many ways. With that time behind your wife, she might start to change or relax a bit and her behaviour might change too. I'm only mentioning it because you were together for so long beforehand that you're obviously compatible on some level which might be worth getting back to for the kids until they're a bit older. While I definitely understand how loving feelings can disappear, I wonder if there are other things to look for in the relationship which might be better to focus on. Are you a good parental team? Are you good at things she's not good at, and vice versa? Maybe you're two very different but important parts of a single team.

The control aspect is one which can be defeated as soon as you're aware and conscious of it. If you have your own money, hobbies, friends and interests and just demand that 2 or 3 nights a week you spend your time investing in those, it's a good first step. As the kids get older actually you'll get more and more time on that front.

Separating, selling homes, or finding new homes, and moving kids in between those homes during a housing crisis sounds like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. It might move you geographically from your partner but it could bring about a whole other set of problems especially with the kids which is hard to back track from.

A friend of mine separated, got 50% custody, but now the battles are about who takes the kids during the weekend vs the weekdays because when you have them, you're full time carer so you can't do anything else. At least you can break up your day and work together when you're under the same roof.

I just think if I were in your situation, with no violence or infidelity and with 20 years of having been together, my first stop would be to chat to someone who has seen all this before and has been trained to make these things better - a marriage councellor. If your wife goes, great, if not - go by yourself and see what they say. You might find a better way to live than to separate. It's hard being a single parent even 4 days a week.

XsApollo

you don’t need anything to get separated , if you are separated you are separated.

The stuff you need legal advice and rulings on is custody, assets and whatever else.

The fact that ye are married and have young kids , unless ye have very high means or the property is worth a lot, you have very little chance of getting anything you want unless she agrees.

BattleCorp1

You'll have a job getting her to agree to sell the house. Without her agreeing, the fact that you have very young kids means that you will find it very very difficult to sell the house out from under her.

notAMember

Is there any chance you could the type of person who gets very full-on about what you're doing? From your posting history, you have history of alcohol addiction, of overeating, of extreme fasting, some health issues. You seem really single minded and possibly a little obsessive? Is there any chance she thinks this is the latest focus / obsession, and this too will pass?

You've discussed separation to your wife. She has agreed to mediation, but you want to drive on and sell the house, divide the assets, impoverish both of you into two households immediately, get a judges decree. You are frustrated that she isn't immediately onboard with all of this. You've been 20 years getting to this point, untangling it all takes some time, and you have other priorities to also juggle. Raising your family, working, health. Take your time. Do the mediation.

Peregrinus

There are no quick contested divorces. If you want quick, you have to keep working on reaching agreement with your wife; there is no other way.

The immediate problem seems to be that (a) she doesn’t want to pay for private mediation, but (b) you don’t want to wait four months for Legal Aid mediation. There is an obvious solution here, which is that you suck up the cost of the private mediation without any contribution from her. I’m not sure why this hasn’t occurred to you.

Even before mediation, you both seem to have fixed ideas about how to resolve the issue - you favour the sale of the house, the split of the proceeds, and an equal split of child custody; she favours (by your account) retaining the family home but living separate lives within it. 

As long as you both stick to those positions and refuse to move mediation will not work. To be honest, I have doubts about the practicality of both of your positions - your approach is only viable if, after the sale of the family home, you and your wife will both have enough to money to acquire a new home capable of housing the children. Unless the one family home is extremely valuable, it’s not likely to yield enough money to buy two modest family homes, is it? And her preferred solution looks unviable to me for different reasons; the two of you living separate lives in the same house indefinitely may not create an emotionally healthy environment for you or for your children.

The point of mediation would be to enable the two of you to work out what you want to achieve with this step of divorce, and then to agree practicable measures that would enable you to do that. Your two problems will be (a) what each of you initially wants may be inconsistent with what the other wants, and (b) what you want may be in practice unattainable with the resources available to you and the constraints that apply to you. So there’s going to have to be an awful lot of give and take, and awful lot of compromise and then an awful lot of cutting your coats to suit the measure available before you end up at an agreed solution which is probably quite different from the one each of you thinks you would like right now. 

You’ve nothing to lose by trying, as long as you are open to the process. I appreciate it will cost you money, if she is not prepared to pay and you are not prepared to wait, but if the process has a good outcome it will be money well spent, and it will certainly cost you a lot less than a prolonged contested divorce which, being honest, is unlikely to yield the financial and property settlement that you currently want.  

JohnMorris78

Given that your focus is getting on with your life, is it possible for you to find alternative accomodation e.g. return to a family home -- while mediation/separation is agreed? The kids will need stability and an eased approach.

i went thru something similar— moved back to my parents for 6 months. Gave good headspace and we came to an amicable mediation.

it strikes me that you say you want to go, and feel an urgency— so go— and sort the legal out after. Mental health no 1. Good luck brother.