Money Issues

System

This discussion was created from comments split from: Mo money mo problems.

Headless

OP I don't have advice for how to tackle this, your husband betrayed your trust and his insistence that everything be 50 50 early in your relationship was very unfair. I don't know how you can go forward and resolve things.

I'm sorry to hijack your thread but would really like to get opinions on my own situation. Married couple jointly decide one of them should stay at home with the kids as childcare was crippling them and they had no family support. At the outset, non working parent got the children's allowance (at first for 2 and then 3 kids) to cover their expenses (petrol, health insurance, tax, car insurance, phone) and spending money if out with the kids. Working parent pays for majority of family expenses (mortgage, utility bills, supermarket shop).

Non working parent has no access to the other's account and they have to ask if they need money. Non working parent find this unfair and demeaning, especially when they are asking for money to cover child related costs (clothes, clubs, school stuff) and very rarely anything personal. Working parent thinks this is fine and doesn't see the problem. Working parent not always happy about being asked for money, the attitude has improved a bit but they still don't offer when they know the other parent has spent money on kids stuff. Non working parent often uses their credit card to cover things when the children's allowance runs out and at times has been anxious about not having money to cover their bills.

Non working parent now trying to get back to work and is looking forward to it but holds a lot of resentment for how the years at home turned out. This has been discussed but very little changes. Early in the relationship, everything was 50 50 and they both earned same amount. What's the consensus on this set up?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118123337#Comment_118123337

That shows a lack of trust and respect from the working partner towards the non working partner.

Actually not sure why I use the word partner, that is not a partnership, it's a dom/sub dynamic with one holding all the power and the other having to beg.

SusanC10

I am a SAHM and have been for a good few years now. Similar situation to yourself as in no family support locally. I took redundancy though.

As I said in the previous thread, we pooled our finances completely once we were married. It's all considered "ours". Joint Current Account, majority joint savings, separate CU savings but same amount in each account. All expenses come from the joint account.

It was also swings and roundabouts for us. My Husband was not fully qualified when we got married and I earned over twice his salary, he then qualified and we earned the same for a while and then I went part-time, he got promoted, I took redundancy etc

I could not have been a SAHM if my Husband behaved like yours does financially. I just can't understand how someone can treat someone they love like this. The Children's Allowance is meant for the children expenses, not as "income" for you on your own personal expenses.

What agreement did you come to when you both decided that you should be a SAHM ? That you would get the children's Allowance and nothing else to pay for yours and the kids expenses? That is not realistic and is completely unfair.

I have a friend who is in a very similar situation to you. She gets the children's Allowance plus a monthly "allowance" from her Husband. To cover her own and the kids expenses plus household shopping. It is often not enough. She is brilliant at budgeting but it is still often not enough. There are several incidences of him refusing her money for various things including petrol for her car and things for the kids.

OP - can you sit down with your Husband and calmly talk to him and tell him how you feel ? Try to get him to look at this from your perspective? How is your relationship overall apart from this issue?

I don't know if anything will change. It hasn't for my friend. Despite her trying to discuss it. And still she stays and accepts his behaviour. But what he and your Husband are doing is not right.

Jequ0n

I don’t know, OP…why do let yourself be controlled this way? And did this not bother you before now?

Headless

We agreed about the children's allowance from the beginning, but I never expected to be made feel bad when I needed more. So now I just don't ask unless it's for the kids and I'm about to be overdrawn.

It hasn't just started to bother me, it's going on years, I have explained all this and nothing changes.

I am posting here because I have nobody else to ask about it and he thinks it's fine as it is so then I'm not sure.

Hannibal_Smith

Headless, I'd be angry too. I stayed at home for a number of years for exactly the same reason as you. All our money goes into a joint account and we both have access to it. I never had to ask and was never asked what money was being spent on. Though it was always spent on the home/kids/family. I always worked prior to that and did feel a bit funny about using money I hadn't earned, but that was all my own mind and my own issue.

To me your situation sounds a bit controlling. Like the children's allowance was for the kids and his money was for him and sure why would you look for anything more.

To have to ask your husband or wife for money and to be put off about doing it for the reaction is definitely something I'd be looking to resolve as soon as possible.

onlinemathsgr

A few couples counselling sessions might be in order, great for ironing out problems like that, as a professional will be telling him, not you.

matrim

While there is no definitive right or wrong way of handling money in a relationship. I feel that your partners is leaning towards the wrong way. Personally I like to have my own account and my wife has the same, and we have joint account we both contribute a percentage of our salary to for joint expenses. But we are both working and have no kids.

In your case with only one person working. I think one of the fairest ways would be for all money to go to the joint account initially and then both have the same amount of personal spending money allocated per month. Whether that is via your own account or just using joint is up to you.

Ignoring the above, in the current situation, how many of your expenses are also covering things for your kids. You said "petrol, health insurance, tax, car insurance, phone". But I'd see car insurance / tax as a shared expense. Even petrol should be a shared one because that is probably spent on trips for kids. Have you raised this with your partner and what was their response?

osarusan

It's one thing to not realise that it's demeaning for a partner to have to ask for money...I can see how that might just not occur to somebody.

But to have it pointed out to them, and to continue to effectively force the partner to ask for money is f**ked up.

shesty

OP....children's allowance for 3 kids per month is 420eur.

How do you make that stretch to cover what you have listed? It must be very tight.That's not a good situation, needs to be addressed.Who is buying kid's clothes and shoes and stuff, are you getting a bad reception if you ask for money for that type of thing? It's very controlling, I wouldn't stand for that myself.

Sorry, but I have 3 kids and I know what it costs.

fits

Absolutely bananas carryon. If one parent is sahm then the majority of income should be in a joint account with equal access. Your time and labour at home count too! Earning partner is benefitting from your tax credits and lack of childcare bills also.

@Skyrimaddict

I am actually shocked at how many of you have d1cks for partners !!

Like really, is there a thing with Money now and families. Did some of you manage to A- sexually have the kids. Really a frank talk and/or Kick to the Boll1x is needed for some of your people/

We are moving to a similar situation, in that I earn enough for a family of 4 to live on very comfortably, and my wife now wants to either go VERY part time or become a SAHM. The agreement we has, she will mind the money for the family as she is better at budgeting. She has to look after the house after all and the kids so why would I need to look after the money. Once the bills and Mortgage are paid, which is DD the day after I get paid everything else is disposable after 800 a month goes to savings, so it would 100% make sense for my wife to mind and manage this. She will be the one cooking, getting stuff for the kids etc, all I need to worry about for buying is the odd lunch at work and fuel for the car.

What is wrong with some people, being stay at home doesnt mean your sitting on your rump all day doing nothing, the bringing up of the kids is the hardest job going so why would you be made beg for money for stuff the house needs?

I am happy as a man to chat to any of your " husbands" if needed, shower of pr1cks.

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Shelli2

Financial control is a form of abuse - and it's not nearly recognised enough.

Granted there are huge varying degrees of it, but it has to be addressed.

seamus

What is wrong with some people, being stay at home doesnt mean your sitting on your rump all day doing nothing, the bringing up of the kids is the hardest job going so why would you be made beg for money for stuff the house needs?

Yeah, I'm fairly blown away that a working partner wouldn't recognise the contribution that a stay-at-home partner makes. Even the courts recognise it now.

If one partner quits work in order to save on childcare costs, then if you're not going to pool your money (though why wouldn't you) the very minimum "allowance" the stay-at-home partner should get is the amount of money that's not being spent on childcare. Because that's the minimum value of the contribution they're making.

Of course, I expect the kind of individual who acts like this sees the money earned as "my money" and considers their family to be a burden.

Wombatman

7 years ago my partner switched from working to be a SAHM. We were earning about the same at the time.

We chopped my salary monthly; 50% joint account for current expenditure, 25% to her, 25% I keep.

She went back to work two years ago. I'm earning more than her now because I have accrued more experience while she has almost had to start from scratch again. I have also racked up pension contributions.

Now monthly I pay 60% into joint account and she pays 40%.

Sound fair?

fits

Can’t really tell without more info. Eg what’s her pension like?

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118211181#Comment_118211181

Don't know. Mine is a company DB pension. Hers is private. She has more savings than me but that's her business.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, please remember this is Relationship Issues, where posters are asked to offer advice to the OP when replying to their thread.

That said, given the OP hasn't been back to the thread since I'll close it here.

Headless, if you need further advice and want the thread re-opened, just PM one of the Mod Team and we can do it for you.

Thanks

HS