Anxious in new relationship

whycantijustbe

Hi all. I am 3 months into a relationship with a wonderful woman I met online. I'm 41 she's 37.

We have spent many weekends together and already been abroad twice together. Tomorrow night I'm meeting her family after her sisters wedding at the drinks thing, and I've met lots of her friends.

But in the last couple of weeks anxiety seems to be setting in. I'm not good enough, she'll leave me, I'm not successful enough. All of these thoughts ringing in my head. I met her this morning and it was difficult, like a bit tense. So I'm sabotaging the whole thing probably due to low self esteem or whatever.

She is a very successful professional, and I'm in a job i dont like that pays ok. I am working on getting another job and doing a degree at night.

I have hobbies and I exercise every day, never been fitter or looked better.

So I can't figure out why i am catastrophising the whole thing. I really dont want to mess it up. She has been great and affectionate and she pushed for us to get together and spend all this time together so i dont know why im convincing myself it wont work out. I was not like this with precious women but then i feel like i never liked and fancied someone this much before.

Has anyone felt like this? What should I do? I meditate daily, I've read attachment and i feel anxiously attached in this relationship and she's def secure. I fear she'd run a mile if i unloaded any of this on her.

I guess you'll all suggest therapy? I'm looking into it but it could take years to sort out, and I'm worried I dont have much time.

Thanks for reading.

TheadoreT

I think a lot of guys struggle when it comes to dating women with more successful careers than themselves. There's probably some primative wiring within us to be the chief provider/bread winner in relationships. If you're not OK with it now, I don't think you'll be able to unlearn 40 odd years of such rigid gender stereotypes overnight.

Maybe just talk to her about it? She's probably used to guys being intimidated by her success, so its probably best just admitting it and working from there than bottling it up from her.

BorneTobyWilde

Ask her to marry you, there's your solution.

I'm sure she'll say yes .

whycantijustbe

It's not about her status or career though, I'm glad she does what she does. I think it's just that I like her so much I am trying to sabotage things for some reason.

whycantijustbe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118085435#Comment_118085435

Hilarious

Big Bag of Chips

@BorneTobyWilde warned for breach of forum charter.

boombang

I was in a similar position to you a few years ago, including the income disparity. Similar age too. I was very anxious about matters for a while. We moved in together and it eventually just faded. We have beautiful little daughter now and I have never been happier. I can't say it will work out for you, but see if you can just ride it out.

Good on you for finding a great woman and being in a good place otherwise apart from the anxeity. Best of luck,

JoChervil

OP people are generally more anxious nowadays because of Covid. I am sure it will fade out. Great, that you met a woman, who you really like. You know yourself 40 years, so the longer you know her, the more human, she will become. You will notice after some time her little faults, so maybe then, you would be able to catch proper balance and relax.

Goodigal

It sounds like you have met a lovely woman and you've really connected and enjoy each other's company. So just keep doing that! It is hard enough to find someone these days and just be thankful you've clicked. Don't over think it. You're in a good place. Embrace it.

Hannibal_Smith

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Thanks

HS

whycantijustbe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118086262#Comment_118086262

I'm trying to do just that but now I'm finding myself overthinking everything I do or say and this morning it just made things a bit tense, at least for me. I'm finding it harder to just be myself as I'm getting anxious.

On way home now and she's in my place so I hope it's ok. I wish I could just go back to how it was a few weeks ago.

Also my last gf earned twice my salary and I never ever felt anxious around her, I am comfortable money wise and own a house etc.

Wombatman

Sounds a bit like imposter syndrome. You said in the OP you feel 'you don't deserve this' and like you are a fraud and will be found out and lose everything.

Usually smart, high-achieving people most often deal with imposter syndrome. So the very fact that you recognise it in yourself says a lot about you.

There is a lot out there on how to deal with this mindset. One nice bit of advice is to take note of your accomplishments. You did this too in the OP ........ "I have hobbies and I exercise every day, never been fitter or looked better.". More positive thinking like this and you could easily realize "Hell yeah, I deserve this. This is my time and I'm going to enjoy it. She likes me for a reason. I'm her man. End of."

JoChervil

I don't think, you feel anxious all the time. So for now I would only focus on noticing it and letting it go. And if you could just make a note, when this happens. So after some time you will see the pattern. Don't try to find a reason for it now, only focus on a moment, when it happens. Deeper reasons might be completely different than those, which come first to our mind...

ax530

Maybe you nervous about meeting her family hopefully this will pass again after that.

Sounds lovely enjoy and wishing you all the best with it.

standardg60

You're just falling in love with her OP, so now you're anxious and dwelling on reasons for her not to feel the same, due to your low self esteem. Tell her about it.

JoChervil

"She has been great and affectionate and she pushed for us to get together and spend all this time together so i dont know why im convincing myself it wont work out."

Maybe this relationship is all on her terms and you just go along, while deep down feeling that it is developing too quickly for you and you can't adapt properly, so you feel inadequate and don't believe that it will work in a longer run. But it doesn't mean that it won't work out after some time.

tara73

I can also imagine it has something to do with the prospect meeting her family. The family will check you out, judge you. Most probably not in an open way, but it's happening automatically with everybody and my guess is the back of your mind is afraid 'important' people of the family, worst case the mum, dad or siblings will have some negative view on you.

My advise is wait for the family meet up and afterwards you will be much more relaxed.

whycantijustbe

Yeah all good last night I mean the funny thing is we're both so relaxed and comfortable around each other that's what makes it so nice, it's only when I'm alone I work myself up.

Fam thing is later, gulp.

Goodigal

Am sure she wants you to meet her family and will make you feel comfortable. She likes you enough to want this next step so it's a good sign. Best of luck with it!

joeguevara

Unlike many of the other threads in this forum there is no issue with your partner so in that way you are very lucky but that’s not to say your issue is in no way an easy one.

You are at an age (as am I at 42) that you want your relationship to succeed which puts a lot of pressure on yourself.

From your post, you have a lot of things going for you, ie a job, house, hobbies, fitness and a wonderful girlfriend so you should be proud. Nobody knows what the future will bring but just look at your achievements may help you.

The fact that your ex partner earning twice your salary and obviously as the relationship ended may be a reason for the thoughts that your current relationship may follow suit. Hopefully it all works out.

seenitall

Hi OP,

if you’re still reading the thread, I feel you’re right on the money with the attachment theory. You’re an insecurely attached person and this is brought to the fore once you start develop feelings for someone, this abandonment anxiety rears its horrible head in a completely irrational way and can really mess you up.

Like so often in these threads, if you keep running up against these unpleasant and intrusive feelings, I recommend counselling. Even just a few sessions could help you out, just to get you over this early stage of the relationship where your feelings are screaming something they shouldn’t be and making your life miserable in the process. Later on, as the relationship hopefully gets more established, you will feel more and more secure in it and the anxiety will pass (as eventually happened with another poster upthread).

You may also get a good handle on it off your own steam, as you seem to be very self-aware and clued in. The easiest way to deal with it is to acknowledge it once it shows up, almost like squaring up to it, looking it in the eye and saying to it: “You’re here again - so what have you got for me this time, eh? Wanna make me feel bad, ruin my happiness? Let’s see what you’re made of so. Come on, don’t be shy, I’m ready for you! I wanna really FEEL you, baby!” You will find that the very second you change your mindset to above, the anxiety loses its grip on you and slinks quietly away, defeated. :D (very helpful for all kinds of negative thoughts, fears and feelings)

whycantijustbe

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118126788#Comment_118126788

Yes about the insecurely attached thing, I don't really know if I am or not, I have never been needy or anything like that, I just think for a while there I was struggling with this relationship as I was making myself anxious as things felt a little off for a bit. It turns out I may have been picking things up correctly anyway, as last Friday after we had been at the wedding thing she broke down crying saying she was just a bit overwhelmed as she hasn't liked anyone this much in many years and she was struggling a little to handle it all. I guess similar to my own situation. She apologised for being a bit colder that week and well since then everything has been totally fine and it's all good vibes again. She actually does seem crazy about me and is always planning things for the coming months. Maybe I'm just an idiot who can't totally accept something good is happening for me.

The counselling thing, I have tried it a few times, never really did much for me, or maybe it did but I just didn't realise it at the time. I find meditation and reading lots of books on mindfulness and Buddhism and that kind of thing has helped over the past few years.

I do tend to get uncomfortably anxious and restless at times though, not just when it comes to relationships, and it's something I need to continue working on.

seenitall

Hey OP,

I’m really glad to read that the two of you are moving in the good direction. It looks like you have a certain type of worries in common, as well! Which is also something that could help you both out and bring ye closer together.

Counselling is something I mention so much as it really did a lot for me through the years, but I do know not everyone is the best suited to it, or they/you may be better helped with meditation (something I found I never could get properly into myself) and similar practices.

Anyway, things sound on the up, so good luck with it all, and remember to share with your gf just like she did with you - good communication is one of the basic pillars of any good relationship. What else is a partner for, other than to be able to support you and hear out your crazy worries and fears?? :D But I’m guessing you’ll have a smoother path from now on, emotionally speaking. You’re now at the level that feelings are being spoken about, and that’s a great sign.