Unsure and need advice

ZigZags

Hello. I am hoping for some advice on this one. In a relationship for several months. However, we have no sex life. And it bothers me. We have had sex and its fun.. but it’s occasionally. BF always seems to enjoy it and orgasms. I enjoy the sex too but never orgasm during. Nevertheless, I’m always enthusiastic as I enjoy sex.

My big concern is the lack of sex doesn’t seem to bother him and I start to doubt him. My mind wanders - is he’s having sex with someone else and that he’s already satisfied or if he finds me attractive at all or if I’ve done something wrong! He doesn’t make me feel special or desired sexually. We kiss and hold hands. But I do worry about why he’s not ripping my clothes off or planning nights in/away. I do a lot of the planning. His lack of enthusiasm turns me off a lot of the time as I feel like I’m always suggesting or trying to initiate and I’m the only one “in it” if that makes sense.

What should I do? How do I address it?

Jequ0n

Have you spoken to him about it? I think you are doing yourself no favours by running away with ideas and assumptions.

YellowLead

You’d like to think you can open up to the person you are dating about these kinds of things. If you can’t...is there a general communication block? I know it’s early days but you are having sex and it’s even a few months so shouldn’t be too awkward.

Is it that you meet in public places generally for a drink or a walk? Or you hang out at one of your houses but just don’t have sex?

Maybe he’s also thinking the same - maybe he needs more steer from you it’s a two person relationship after all :)

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118017420#Comment_118017420

Tried. I always try to start the sex conversation but never get anywhere with it. I’m brushed off or it’s downplayed.

TheadoreT

What are your expectations from relationships? He's a terrible communicator. You clearly have different sex drives, not hugely compatible the rare times you do have sex. He lacks enthusiasm. He doesn't plan things. He sounds rubbish tbh.

But you seem more insecure and worried about why he's not more into you instead of why on earth you'd be into him.

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118020959#Comment_118020959

Hi T.

I have a high sex drive. His approach is all talk, no action. It’s only in the last few weeks I’m actually starting to question if he means any of what he says because if he did, he would treat me better, take more action and make me feel as special as he says I am to him. His approach is lazy and I feel I’m making more effort than he is and now I am exhausted from the heavy lifting.

For example, he will pontificate and talk about doing something like a city break and then does nothing. I end up taking control and making it happen. The rare sex is a bummer for me and he doesn’t seem to even care.

TheadoreT

Why are you wasting your time with him then?

Jequ0n

Sounds like your mind is made up, OP. Life’s too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t make you happy.

ZigZags

Our relationship isn’t all bad but my patience is wearing thin in the last few weeks. My expectations from a relationship would be to be treated with respect, honesty and consideration, be clearly communicated with, made feel special and have sex basically.

Ive put my all into the relationship and nothing is good enough. He just sits back and I try too hard in a nutshell.

Its so frustrating.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118021667#Comment_118021667

Sounds like it’s time to leave if he’s not meeting your expectations of what you want so. You can’t change people and make them make an effort if they’re not arsed.

Hannibal_Smith

If you're feeling this stressed out and the relationship is not even a year old, you need to weigh up in your own mind the pros and cons and whether you want to pursue it You've addressed your issues with him and it hasn't changed.

That said, you got together in the craziest of times, so I would wonder how realistic it is to expect city breaks?

At the end of the day if you're both on different pages and you can't work it out, it's very unlikely to sort itself out.

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118022107#Comment_118022107

I should of said staycation really. Nothing extravagant.

manonboard

Hey OP. When you mention brushed off when you talk about the sex. Do you feel you are being too roundabouty about it?

It sounds like you are really unhappy with the sex, and id like to ask have you said this to him "I'm really unhappy with the sex in our relationship, its not nearly enough for me and it cant continue like that or else im very unhappy in our relationship"

Sex is super important in a relationship that is sexual. Its super important that people speak very very clearly and plainly about it. Its a huge transaction in a relationship and its not allowed go out of balance for long. Its one of the big unifiers and dynamics in a relationship that separates it from a close friendship. In my opinion, when the sex is bad, the emotional resentment builds pretty fast because its an important need for us. Not getting satisfied sexually in a sexual relationship breeds all sorts of bad thoughts and opinions about a relationship. Both people are obligated to create a dynamic that is sexually compatible and satisfying for each other since you are both disallowed from meeting those needs with others. Its a responsibility and most often an enjoyable deal a couple makes.

wildwillow

You are unhappy. You have no reason to remain in the relationship.

Lots of people here are looking to leave much more complicated relationships where houses and children have to be factored in. Find your self esteem and then find someone who is worthy of you.

ZigZags

Hi All.

Unfortunately, a few things have happened here since I posted that have raised suspicions further. He has lied about a few things and I have reason to believe he is leading me on and keeping his own options open.

For whatever reason, I don’t know. Just not sure what games are being played and why.

Not sure how to handle it..

Hannibal_Smith

It doesn't sound great OP. From the basics of not being able to communicate with each other, to a poor sex life and now there are lies and game playing. As I said before, it's only early days so how can you try and handle it or work it out without a base to work from?

Rattlehead_ie

OP. I think your 2nd last sentence says all you need to know about the relationship

"What games and being played" and "why"

If there are games being played then its not a relationship to be in. As for the why, that's not a question you should be worrying yourself over or giving yourself a messy head about. This started off as a lack of sex thread, which in itself is something to be flagged and talked about openly, well done you. However as you dug a little deeper things didn't seem to add up. If I were you, I would respectfully leave the relationship as its just not working for you on many levels. Best of Luck :)

ZigZags

Call me crazy, but shouldn’t a BF want to create or seek out privacy or book a room to have sex with their GF? Not in this relationship. Feel like a fool.

And before anyone says it, yes I have done all the above. He never has. He just goes along.

Hannibal_Smith

This is going in circles a bit Zigzags. You asked for advice on how to approach your issue regarding sex (or lack of) in the relationship. Turns out you've spoken to him already and nothing changed, not only that but there are other issues you're having in the relationship that he doesn't wish to address.

We can't advise him on what he's doing right or wrong.

So you have to make a decision - continue with the relationship and continue to have your concerns fall on deaf ears, or move on.

YellowLead

Hi OP - I take it you both either house share or live with parents since there is a need to book rooms for sex? That bit of detail does change things a bit on the sex level.

But aside from that, since your update - it sounds like he’s just not that into you in general, not just relating to sex, and you should really cut ties it’s early doors so no reason to hang on if games are being played and he’s leading you on. Best get rid and move on to something better!

Tork

OP, have you ever heard of the "Sunk cost fallacy"? It's where somebody keeps a business venture or, in your case, a relationship, going purely because of what they've invested in it. You sound like you should be leaving this relationship, not tying yourself in knots trying to prove that you're in the right and that it can be fixed.

Purple Mountain

I don't get what you're saying for?

You haven't mentioned one positive fact about him.

Just end it, move on and delete his number.

ZigZags

Sorry..

I don’t mean to come across negative. There were good aspects to the relationship.

I’ve actually been putting my best foot forward for months, enduring bizarre behaviour, giving benefit of the doubts, making efforts….

I am now exhausted and feel foolish. Obviously, I’m hoping I am wrong and it’s all a misunderstanding but my gut is screaming at me.

Jequ0n

@ZigZags Then why don’t you end it?

rachb

@ZigZags You don't explain much in your posts, what is this bizarre behavior and why do you think he has lied to you?

You say you need to book a room for privacy, so does this mean you both live with parents or house share? This could explain why he isn't making more of an effort in that department or maybe he just doesn't have as high of a sex drive as you.

Tork

@ZigZags you sound like a carbon copy of a couple of my friends when they were younger. They wasted many months out of their lives on fellas who sound quite like this guy. I can still remember all the conversations we had about them. They'd give out yards about these men and talk about the flakiness, the lies, their odd behaviour and their apparent lack of interest at times. These fellas drove them mad but they couldn't keep away from them. It was obvious to me and all the rest of our mutual friends that these jokers needed to be dumped and we told them that. But no, they persisted with them for a long time before finally they got tired of it all. Are you sure you're not addicted to the drama or see this man as a project. I bet you have a vision in your head about how ideal this relationship would be if only he did x and y? I'm a big believer in paying attention to what somebody does, not what they say they'll do. It's very easy to rattle off nice words and promise this and that. Coming up with the goods, so to speak, is an entirely different matter. I don't think this relationship of yours is going to last the distance, going by how it has gone so far. The only question is, how long are you prepared to put up with him?

ZigZags

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118048279#Comment_118048279

Yeah. It’s as if our relationship is stuck in the early phase of dating even though we are together several months and met families. Even the basics are poor and leave a lot to be desired. I don’t feel like a girlfriend or “minded”. I’ve been single for most of my life and completely independent but in regards to my relationship, I don’t feel minded. Everything is about him.

He never makes me feel special or surprises me. I do with him.

Funnily enough, I somehow think I’ve done something wrong or don’t deserve to be treated better.

PhilOssophy

This guy is a deadbeat. Get out of there OP and don't invest 1 more minute of your precious life on this loser. There is somebody better out there.

If things are like this in the "relationship is months old" stage - imagine spending a life with this moron? How unfulfilling and sad that would be. There is only 1 way this is going to end, how long that takes is up to you.

Tork

Being single for so much of your life is a big key to why you're accepting this behaviour. If you found it easier to meet romantic partners, I don't think you'd put up with being messed around like this. You know that if you end this, you're back to being on your own again and all the uncertainty that that brings. And so, you're hanging on here, hoping that somehow things can change. I really think it's time for you to cut your losses. The longer you stay in this relationship that isn't going well and seems doomed to failure, the longer you're "off the market". Maybe you might meet somebody else in the near future but for now, you're not available to date anybody.

Big Bag of Chips

There were good aspects to the relationship.

I’ve actually been putting my best foot forward for months, enduring bizarre behaviour, giving benefit of the doubts, making efforts….

OK, that's everything you've done. But what has he done?

It sounds like you are desperate to be part of a couple and as such see a bad relationship as preferable to no relationship. No amount of advice or guidance from anyone here can change that mindset. You are stressing yourself out, tying yourself n knots to make this a great relationship. But a relationship can only be great if two people want it yo be and work at it. One person can't make it work alone.

Although one person can make a relationship last by refusing to leave it. But a lasting relationship doesn't always mean a good relationship.

vithit

I'm probably younger than you and a bit of an eejit, but this post reminds me A LOT of a relationship I stayed in 2 years too long. I was too scared of being alone and made any number of excuses for the tool. He was probably worse than your fella, but I can relate a lot to your feelings here.

Would highly recommend breaking up. Cried my heart out but months later I'm 5 times happier than I used to be.