Having difficulty coping with post-stroke mother

The Mighty Quinn

My mother had a stroke in 2015, at the ripe old age of 54. She spent several months in a rehabilitation hospital in Dun Laoghaire afterwards.

The effects of the stroke changed my mother completely, she's not the same woman who brought me up. She has become vacant, unable to engage in anything complex. Doctors said the part of her brain dealing with higher order functions was affected, i.e., thinking, perceiving and planning. There is no depth to any conversation at all. It's like her intelligence has sharply dropped, and in ways she's become childlike, a bit innocent. She has also become more self-centred, or less able to manage others feelings, she's liable to say anything. Never intended as hurtful, but there's no filter or thought given to what her words might mean, it can be blunt at times.

She's still 'able', she cooks and washes herself and goes walking, driving, goes shopping, on holidays etc.

6 years later and I don't think I'll ever get over this. I find myself constantly frustrated with her when it's not her fault this happened. She didn't smoke, was a healthy weight, was active. I get worked up sometimes, to myself, not with her, annoyed with her that she didn't do this or can't do that. Examples, when she's offered to mind her grandchildren she can be a bit useless in that she'll need to be prompted to do everything, there is no initiative or awareness of whats going on around her, there's no thought process there, or she's blasé about things like dirty nappies, "ah she'll be fine, do her no harm to sit in a while", "I'll take her for a walk in the buggy now (but mam she needs her lunch first and then she can go) .. ah she'll be fine". Silly examples maybe.

In a way I feel like my mother died, but didn't. This woman left still loves us all, and I do still love her, but she's so different and it's so hard not to be able to have any real conversations above superficial "lovely day out" type talks. She doesn't have the brain power for anything much deeper.

I guess I'm just really struggling, to the point that I find myself less willing to try with her. She lives a few hours away so I feel that doesn't help anything, and almost every time we meet I leave disappointed or sad or annoyed (with her or myself). My dad is there, but I think he's gotten to a point where he just goes with it. It is what it is type thing, but he'll never get over it either, I can see it.

Anybody in similar circumstances, how have you coped?

Neyite

I don't think you should put pressure on yourself to get over it in a sense. When a family member suffers a brain injury that affects their cognitive ability permanently you would suffer a grief similar to bereavement if the person afterwards is very different to the one person before.

You can still be grateful she didn't die and be sad that she's changed as a result of her injury. You can still love her as she is, and miss the woman you knew before. And you can still feel anger and frustration at what the illness has cost your mother, and your family, all the while being thankful she is still here in some capacity. Those conflicted feelings are ok. Similar to those who have family suffering from Dementia, they grieve while the person is still there because it's still a loss of a person's persona that you remember and know, and miss.

It's possible your dad has processed it more because it's his day to day and has become the norm for him now whereas for you, it's when you visit - and the expectation of going home for all of us is tied up in our memories of the house, the folks, the family routines - and for you, it's a reminder that it's not the same. She's not the same. And that's got to affect you when you walk through the door for the first time in a while.

tixati

I went through an experience a bit like yours, except here it was dementia. My mother developed it when she was in her early fifties and I found it very difficult to come to terms with. I think if she had died at the time I would have gotten over it faster and with less ongoing damage to me. Instead of a death that's final, the person you knew all your life is taken away from you and replaced with an inferior model (sorry if that description offends). You grieve for the person you loved and lost but you can't move on because they're still around. I still had strong feelings for my dementia-stricken mother but my heart broke for the old one I lost. I don't think anybody who hasn't been in a situation like this truly understands what it's like.

I'm certain that your father is suffering as well but in different ways. He has no choice but to get on with a new life with your diminished mother in it. When you're in battle you just plough on. My father became the main carer for my mother and seemed to cope just fine when she was alive. But like the rest of us, he was damping down a lot of emotions and had a tough time after she died. I was doing OK after mum died but after about a year all the delayed grief and things I'd not dealt with all came back and melted my head. I went to counselling because I was in a really bad way. I still cry over the loss of my old mum but it's nowhere near as bad as it was.

If I was to change one thing from the early days of my mother's illness, when she was a lot like your mother, it's this. I would have been kinder. I was only young when this all kicked off and I didn't handle it well. Instead of being kind and reassuring to my mother, I was the exact opposite. I was angry that somebody like her this happening to her and somehow I thought it was her fault. I was also heartbroken and terrified of what lay ahead for her and for me. I regret that I was angry and impatient with my mother. Even with her diminished mental capacity she picked up on all those bad vibes coming from me. If I could have that time back I would do things very differently. Something else that I've just remembered and might be relevant here is this: Don't expect too much from your mother. I stupidly thought that if I asked her questions and tried to get her to talk it'd help cure her in some way. It didn't - it just made the poor woman feel she was on trial. So keep your conversations with your mother simple and pleasant. Also, don't expect her to instinctively know what the right thing to do is. I'd be slow to leave her alone with your kids just in case something happens and she doesn't know how to deal with it properly. You need to downgrade your expectations of what your mother can and cannot do.

I found it very hard to even talk about my mum's illness until I made friends with somebody who was caring for her mother. She was much better at talking about dementia and I opened up to her. That was really freeing and helped get rid of the worst of my feelings. Is there anybody you can talk to about your mother? I think it would help you. Don't bottle it up like I did because it will make you feel worse. If you don't want to talk to somebody you know would you consider counselling? You're going through something big even though you don't know it yet.

If you're still reading this after all I've written, maybe take two things away from that wall of text.

1. It's OK to grieve for your old mother.
2. Be kind to the one who's now in your life and don't expect too much from her.

.42.

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Skibunny77

Op, your feelings are grief in action. You live with constant reminder that the mother who reared you IS gone. You won't ever have a conversation or connection with her again. That is heartbreaking & I hope you have had a chance to explore these feelings in counselling.

Your relationship with your mum now needs to be based on new connections. I know you logically know she cannot be who she was, emotionally it sounds as though you remain conflicted & angry. Perhaps avoid the things she is not able to do independently (childcare sounds like one of them) & instead, connect around the simple things, which keep her content & cause you the least stress. This relationship is not going to meet your emotional needs, but you can build a relationship which limits your emotional distress.

It might be helpful to connect with who your mum was in the whole of her health & consider what advice might she give you now. Allow yourself to miss her physical presence in your life & find ways to remain emotionally connected to her.

Be kind to yourself & consider counselling.