Ghosted and feeling like a fool..

Jenneke87

Hi everyone,

I just hope that someone maybe has some kind words or words of advise for me. I feel so hurt and stupid, and I don't really have anyone to talk to :(

A few months ago I got ghosted after chatting and meeting up with a guy. I could see he read my messages, but just ignored me from that moment on. I never got an answer as to why and it hurted a lot (and still does tbf, even though it was a couple of months ago).

This Saturday I met up with someone. We had been talking for weeks, great chemistry (or so I thought) loads to talk about. We had intimacy and things immediately felt weird after that, although at the time I couldn't tell why. We exchanged some more messages after that (he even told me that he had a great time and wanted to see me again) and after that, the messages slowly started to fizzle out. Since I'm very perceptive to how people normally act I already knew something was up. Today I got a message saying he really liked me but he just couldn't get over how I looked...yeah thanks mate, as if I needed more reasons to feel crap about myself.

The thing is, I don't feel like I can trust myself anymore at this point, I'm obviously a horrible judge of character who can't see a bad thing coming. It's not just these two events...My first "boyfriend" was a predator (minor/adult relationship, 12,5 years apart in age), virtually all of them had mental health issues (which I can't judge them for, I have them too), but it gets tough when you have to shoulder their issues too and they can't reciprocate. The last long term relationship, he criticized me so much I got panic attacks just thinking about having to see him..

I'm not really sure what to do or where I'm going so horribly wrong all the time. It has to something about me, I'm the common denominator. I"m in therapy for this and other reasons and at this point I'm just at a loss. I really thought the last guy was different, I feel so dumb, I really feel like he made a fool out of me, for getting me to think that maybe this time it was going to be different.

I'm thinking, maybe I should just stop trying. It just doesn't seem like it's meant to be and I'm obviously not capable of finding someone who is not horrible.

Just hoping someone has some advice or has maybe been in the same boat, and what did you do? Anyway, thanks for reading..

No real advice to give I suppose but I wouldn't say you need to give up, but perhaps slow yourself down.

Talking online for a while and then once you meet immediately being intimate, can sometimes spoil things. I am not judging in any way, but you are obviously looking for a more stable and long lasting relationship and when intimacy is achieved on the first meeting, there sometimes can be little reason for the other half to stick around.

You need to build on your own confidence, you seem to be putting too much weight behind other people and their perception of you. You need to start liking who you are. Thats the most important thing. YOU are the most important thing. Once you start to be comfortable with yourself, you will care less about what others think about you, and to be honest, that's much more appealing to genuine people. You may be giving out a vulnerable "vibe" which is probably why predatory arseholes are all you are attracting.

Just learn to be happy in you (easier said than done, I know) but honestly, you will thank yourself for it. Find a hobby, take time out to do something you enjoy, learn to enjoy your own company and think of finding someone else as a happy bonus rather than a necessity.

I wish you all the best. I mean that.

Jequ0n

Hi Op. I agree that you will most certainly give off vibes that highlight your insecurities and fears, and unfortunately some of us will make use of it. That said it reflects more on the user than you, so don’t be so hard on yourself.

As to practical advice: look at alternatives to online dating, as you might make a connection with someone through a shared interest.

If you want to use online dating services then don’t spend weeks chatting and meet the person quickly as most will be easier to read face to face. Make sure to use up to date pictures in your profile to avoid disappointment.

Keep in mind that people use dating apps for lots of different reasons, and often for hook ups, which doesn’t seem what you are looking for. Bottom line is that you should try to remain emotionally detached while you are deciding on people.

For what it’s worth: the comment about your looks was unnecessarily cruel, and I suspect he wanted you to be hurt and just stay away without asking for details. Since you got intimate he clearly didn’t have the same thought when you were getting it on, so maybe try to see it for what it was: just a self serving way to exit the communication.

If you genuinely don’t trust your judgement, do you have someone who can help you with this? I attract certain types of people, and my (ex) girlfriends’ friends and family sometimes took a dislike to me. Outsiders often see a very different version of a person that you see, so maybe confide in a person you trust.

Best of luck

Jenneke87

Thanks for your replies. It wasn't someone I met through online dating, I work for a vast company and it was someone I met through work. I've known this person for 2,5 years and I really thought he was different. He was always kind, cordial and over the last few months I was convinced that there was a spark between us, and that he was interested as well. I really thought he was different, I still can't believe that I was so mistaken about the whole thing. It wasn't just one sided, he would initiate contact, show interest in what I was doing, I really thought he liked me..That's why I was okay to be intimate with him, because he'd always been so kind and never gave me the impression that it was just about that. I don't know how I could have been so wrong....again.

@[Deleted User], I'm doing my best to build a life that I'm happy with. I've recently started a new job as a train driver (one of the few women at my station) and I'm having a blast driving that thing. I've started a youtube channel last year to show my music and although I hardly doubt I'll ever go viral or make a living out of it, it's being well received, with people leaving positive comments, requesting covers and songs etc. So it's not like I'm sitting at home just waiting for the right guy to come by, but I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

@Jequ0n I really don't trust myself anymore when it comes to this, I don't really have anyone that can help me with this. The way it ended is what's really getting to me, I just absolutely did not see this one coming, not with the way he behaved before. And I'm wrecking my head wondering what I did wrong. After we slept together he said:" So, are things awkward between us now?" And I was like, not as far as I'm concerned, we're both two adults". I guess it did became awkward for him and this is perhaps how he choose to deal with it, but he could have just said that and we could have talked about it, you know, like two adults. Anyway, I guess he got what he came for..

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117980257#Comment_117980257

Well thats good. Just seems like he was a bit of an immature dick.

Keep ploughing on and forget about him. Great that you have a youtube channel. Keep it up and just focus on positive things like that and the fact that you have a job you enjoy. I know it may not seem like it, but a lot of people don't have what you have.

You've got this!

fits

It’s horrible out there and that comment was really uncalled for. What a jerk.

take a break from it for a while maybe? Even two months and just focus on enjoying yourself for a while.

YellowLead

Sorry you are feeling like this. As others have said slow down a little. Don’t get invested or attached or trust too soon. That way if somebody ghosts or uses you for sex it won’t hurt so bad. Sometimes if a person is really desperate for a relationship they ignore red flags and dive in too soon. If somebody seems to show a lot of affection right off the bat or trying to get intimate too soon I’d be smelling a rat.

SunnySundays

You are very hard on yourself. Modern dating is really difficult, easy access online means a lot of people are hooked on the thrill of the chase and lose interest after that.

His comments show him up for the asshole he is. His behaviour is a reflection on him not you.

Dial Hard

Jenneke, you've had a number of threads here on various relationship issues at this point. Perhaps it might be worth exploring with a professional how and why you keep on ending up in these situations? Sorry if that sounds harsh but there are clearly a lot of repeating patterns here and until you understand them, you're going to just keep repeating them, then end up back here asking for the same advice all over again.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117981302#Comment_117981302

OP does say she is in therapy for this which is very positive.

OP I hope therapy helps but deffo don’t beat yourself up.

Tork

I've seen your other threads too and I think that for now, taking a step back from dating is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Aside from your troubles with your love life, you've been through a lot and you've had problems elsewhere. To put in very simple terms, stuff just keeps happening to you. When your self-esteem is low and your confidence has been knocked, it's all too easy to get into a vicious cycle. You feel bad, things go wrong, you feel worse, things go wrong... I think the best investment you can make for now is to keep up the therapy and stay away from dating. What's the hurry anyway?

TheadoreT

You seem to catastropise the smallest things to a level that's out of whack with reality. I remember your post about a frivolous work rumour and you thought it was the end of the world. Your poor head must be a hard place to live in.

Try maintain a healthy perspective that you do bounce back from these. Don't lose all sense of who you are based on minor perceived negative interactions with relative strangers. Read some of your previous threads and give yourself the affirmation that yes they were in fact mainly silly issues that you got passed. Then the next time you feel that sense of hopeless dread growing, stop your negative thoughts in their tracks and tell yourself you have this.

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117981302#Comment_117981302

I agree with Dial Hard. I also remember your previous threads. I'm not sure there is much more that can be said here, that might help. Keep going with your therapy and give yourself time and space.

Well done on the new job, and I hope that you continue to enjoy it.