Dreading family occasion

Addle

My siblings and I don’t get on.

I think they’re unreasonable. They think I’m unreasonable. We avoid each other.

We have a family event in a few weeks that I’m already feeling anxious about.

Has anyone any coping techniques or advice on how to manage the day?

Strumms

Get there before them, so you are comfortable, relaxed and being social with everybody... then if whatever conversation with them is happy, civil and enjoyable, bonus, if not just extricate yourself politely and go on enjoying the company.

Addle

Thanks for the reply.

The event will be in my home, but that won’t help unfortunately. My husband will be away, so I won’t have his support either.

Last time one of them was here, they damaged a lot of stuff in my house.

I will be the bigger person. Already looking forward to the relief I’ll feel when it’s over, though I fully expect to be upset in some way.

If you really don't want to spend time with them and they have damaged your home before then why would you even bother with hosting them.?

I had a family gathering just last weekend and I knew, even though it was a 'holy' day for a nieces Communion there would be fighting among them all. So I made an excuse to suit me and me only, and didn't go. Of course there was fighting an arguing in the evening, so for me it was the best choice. Just because they are family dosnt mean you need to be in a situation you don't want to be in, why bother.

Edit : saying no is liberating, try it, it catches on and eventually you don't actually care if your putting their noses out of joint anymore.

thefallingman

Manage your expectations, expect damage and an awkward but doable evening and the damage can be fixed, and hopefully you won’t have to host again, for the record I have no time for my siblings , I’m the youngest

Addle

I’ve usually no problem saying no, but it’s for the sake of a close elderly relative who shouldn’t have to miss out because of our nonsense.

I’ll do my best to stay out of the way and keep busy hosting.

Brid Hegarty

@Addle Last time one of them was here, they damaged a lot of stuff in my house.

And you feel that you can't even confront them about this? Was there drink involved last time? Just what sort of damage did they do, and might it have been deliberate?

Anyway, do let us know how it goes!

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117965305#Comment_117965305

Sounds like there’s no escape, Get through it but plan something amazing for yourself in advance for the next day or weekend so you have something to look forward to

Tell me how

Is there any one of them you can reach out to before hand, just to break the ice and make it obvious your focus is on ensuring it goes ok (without pointing fingers).

I also think as last poster said, planning something for yourself as an award for having gotten through it could be a big help even if its only your favorite takeaway or similar that evening or the next day.

Another mechanism might be to imagine what may go wrong, what direction the conversation may go or whatever, and how you will react, particularly if provoked, and have an action or response prepared even if its walking off to ostensibly go to the toilet to give you time to clear your head.

Final suggestion, have you an ally you can let know about your concerns in advance so they can look out for you and maybe give you support or keep someone away from you if they're likely to try to instigate.

qwerty13

You need to take control. So move the venue to a neutral place, or have a good buddy there who is experienced at conflict resolution.

Don’t arrange again a venue where conflict could arise in your personal space. This would not be good for you.

Addle

Thank you for all the replies.

I have spoken to someone about it and they gave me some Xanax!

The venue can’t be changed, but I know this kind of thing will never happen in my home again.

Confronting them on the damage will just lead to an aggressive and upsetting argument.

I’m just practicing breathing when I get anxious, do my best, and will focus on others on the day.

joeguevara

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117982054#Comment_117982054

I hope you are ok and I can understand how the expectation of tension can exacerbate anxiety and it is self perpetuating.

I understand that you don’t want to go out as you have an elderly relative but perhaps an outside bbq or if cold restrict to the kitchen. Although they are family it’s your home. That should mitigate damage to your property. Perhaps any delicate items can be put into your room to be extra safe(honestly if no apology was forthcoming and done on purpose, I’d be thinking about the invite).

Just one thing though. Self medicating with Xanax or benzos is not the best. They are masking an underlying problem. They do stop the overthinking but tolerance is quickly built. Breathing exercises and mindfulness exercises are very beneficial. Also I find planning out in advance, how you will limit interaction or deflect any negative interactions will make you feel more relaxed.

Hope it goes well and your elderly relative and all the guests enjoy themselves.

Addle

Well that didn’t go badly in the end.

The worst one didn’t show.

There were a lot of silly digs from another which I just ignored. They were so petty, it was comical.

Everyone else, including me, enjoyed it and I’m very glad I went through with it.

Never again though.