Partner with depression

Potis 2020

Apologies in advance for the long post, i'm not even sure where to start with this!

My partner and I have been together for 9 years. It is a same-sex relationship. She is a wonderful person who treats me so well and I feel incredibly loved. However, it has not all been sweetness and light, and like any other couple we have had our fair share of difficulties. 

My partner suffers from depression and anxiety and has extremely low self-esteem. We go through periods where things are good but conversely we go through periods where things are not so good, and things have not been good for the last number of weeks.  It started about a 6 weeks ago when an unexpected change in my partner's work cropped up. It was a temporary change (she is back to her normal role now) but it really seems to have put her in a very bad place. To make matters even worse, my mother was unwell around the same time which meant that I was taking care of her (I spent 2 separate weeks with her in my home house and she  stayed with us for another 2 weeks while she recovered. The atmosphere was unbearable in the house during this period. Some days my partner appeared in good form, but the next day she would shut herself off from everyone, me included. It was awkward for my mother as she she's not stupid and could sense the tension and it was awkward for me trying to remain bright and breezy and please everyone. On top of all the above, my best friend was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and has now been told it’s terminal. So yeah, not a great time for me at the moment!

My partner is still very down and quiet, being hard on herself and extremely negative ('nobody likes me, I have no friends, i'm stupid, I have no close family' etc. etc.). I find it hard to understand as to me she is so clever, funny and kind but she doesn't see it that way. Over the years I would try to refute those statements by saying positive things about her but that seemed to aggravate her more so now I say very little and try to just listen and simply 'weather the storm'. She has expressed to me on countless occasions that she has nothing good in her life apart from me and that she doesn’t feel secure in the relationship. I understand that, sometimes I don’t feel too secure either. For the past few years friends around us have been getting married and we obviously haven’t. I do love her and care for her so much, but I have to admit that there is this niggling fear and apprehension about dealing with her depression for the rest of our lives together. I also feel it was important that I mention that it’s a same sex relationship. My partner is very comfortable in her skin, but I am not fully there. I’ve been ‘out’ for years, but I still have insecurities and don’t divulge my sexuality until I am asked/I feel I have to. This could also contribute to my anxieties around tying the knot.

I have suffered fainting spells in the past brought on by stress and I have had a few close calls the last few weeks - witnessed by my partner and family. I'm completely out of my comfort zone as i've been fortunate enough to never really suffer with depression or anxiety. I honestly don't know how to talk to her, how to treat her, whether to give her space or not. I try to be supportive by doing silly little things like offering to make her tea, trying to plan nice things to do together, asking if she's OK and asking if she wants to talk but she puts up a wall. When she does open up, it breaks my heart. She gets so sad and negative and I don’t know how to react.

My partner does speak to a counsellor every two weeks or so and is on medication, but whenever I suggest she talk to the counsellor more or her GP to maybe up her dose she gets very defensive. She feels that I think therapy and counselling is the 'cure' for everything. She feels that more counselling or more meds won’t change the fact that she ‘has no friends, is ugly, is stupid, and has no close family’. She asked me if I wanted her to just continue being fake and pretending everything was fine. I didn't know how to respond to that so I simply explained that I don't know how I should communicate with her (which is true). I'm not a counsellor, I haven't gone through what she has to go through so I don't know how to act/ what to say to make things easier for her. 

The bottom line is I care very deeply about her and wish I could help her in some way, but the 'selfish' side of me is struggling and is worried about my own mental health. When things are good, they’re amazing and she makes me so happy, but when it’s bad, it really takes its toll. I do not want this relationship to end, we have both invested so much time and energy into it but it has been a constant worry. 

Is there any way through this? Is there anything I could/should do to try and help her? Is it simply a case of /in sickness and in health, good times and bad? Has anyone else experienced something similar? 

heretothere

Like a lot of things in life until she fully accepts she has a medical issue it won't get sorted. She is doing something but it clearly isn't enough. I'm not really sure what you can do. A few years ago my husband went through a very low patch for a few weeks and I didn't have a clue what to do, and that wasn't even depression.

I'd say try and speak to her about going back to the GP again, it really is the only way she'll get better. If you took tablets for high blood pressure but it wasn't actually going down you'd go back to the doctor, this is the exact same.

notAMember

Your partner may need a change of GP. Could she get a second opinion? Sometimes mental health can be poorly understood, and not all GPs are specialists in this topic. I personally know some people have been prescribed anti-depressive medication where it was later discovered that they had a immune system disorder, a negative reaction to a contraceptive hormone, or a deficiency of B12, as 3 different examples. I'm not suggesting your partner unilaterally changes her treatment, but that she seeks a second opinion, get a full blood panel done etc.

thefallingman

Hi Potis, reading your post touched a nerve with me and i won't go into why on a public forum, but your partner is very lucky to have someone like you fighting her corner and though she might not be in a place to say it to you right now, she will.

My best advice is to keep doing what your doing, this episode should pass and her mood will lift even if it takes a couple of weeks of wallowing and self ridiculing. Best of luck to you both

ahappychappy

Hi Potis,

Sorry to hear your troubles. Unfortunately I can relate - ex husband had long standing mental health issues and only engaged on a limited basis with medical team. The hard part is accepting there is little you can do for them - they have to make that decision themselves.

What I would recommend is seeking out some support for yourself - Aware have support groups for friends and family of those with depression. I found it hard to maintain boundaries - i.e. there are limits to how your partner can speak to you, and the challenge of wanting/needing to "fix" it. I found accessing counselling for myself gave me tools to help me understand what I could/couldn't do. Sorry to hear you have the extra pain of your friends diagnosis - that is a hard burden to carry.

LilacNails

Is it possible your partner has borderline personality disorder?

I'm not trying to diagnose anything, but I suspect it.

TheadoreT

It's concerning that at a time when your partner should really be there for you that she's adding to your problems. Sounds like you're threading on eggshells half the time.

There's been great inroads made in talking about mental health but such is the sensitivity of such matters it gives certain people the opportunity to be selfish and never be called on it. She shouldn't be getting defensive when you try to make helpful suggestions. She obviously knows you're not a professional and shouldn't expect you to know how to appease her moods.

You sound like a very compassionate and caring person but people can abuse that. I was exhausted reading your post so cant imagine how you must feel. I feel there a certain hopelessness here that things won't get any better. Don't be afraid to express *your* needs in the relationship and if she's unwilling or incapable to meet them I think you should consider finding something more fulfilling elsewhere.

hawley

Also not trying to diagnose, but it sounds like bipolar. Amazing highs where everything is great, to devastating lows where everyone hates her and she just wants to be left alone. Long term, it doesn't sound like a very enjoyable relationship. If she is not making you feel happy, you have to seriously consider ending the relationship. Her behavior sounds very selfish, but she probably can't help it. She seems very angry, like she's stuck in life.

HildaOgdenx

The bottom line is I care very deeply about her and wish I could help her in some way, but the 'selfish' side of me is struggling and is worried about my own mental health. When things are good, they’re amazing and she makes me so happy, but when it’s bad, it really takes its toll. I do not want this relationship to end, we have both invested so much time and energy into it but it has been a constant worry. 

Some very good advice from pp who have been through this re setting boundaries and seeking support from organisations such as Aware.

I just want to add, this is not selfish at all, on your part. Not in the slightest. You know when you are about to set out out on a flight, the advice is, in an emergency, to put on your own oxygen mask first, before attending to others.

That's really important in a case like this. Similarly with a physical illness, the situation focuses completely on the ill person. But the person who lives with or cares for that person needs to be mindful of their own health too.

All the best.

Potis 2020

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments.

I purchased a book online yesterday which gets very positive reviews so i'm hoping it may help her deal with some of her feelings and learn ways to try to cope.

We had a chat last night. She was very upset as she knows her mood negatively impacts me. She apologized profusely for her angry and frustrated spells but stated that she doesn't have an outlet for those feelings (e.g. something like a skill, instrument or hobby) that can distract her/ help her calm down. I suggested that she needs to find an outlet for those feelings as I can cope with her 'being down ' and quiet, but the anger is a different kettle of fish as I in turn get defensive and take it personally (again, maybe something I have to work on). I also mentioned that she should perhaps talk to her GP again.

I told her I ordered the book and she was touched that I had been thinking of her and had taken the step so that's positive I suppose. I have also asked her to contact her counsellor to recommend a colleague that I could speak to about my issues (the relationship, my friend's diagnosis etc.)

shesty

This is going to sound completely bizarre. But I am dealing with my 7 year old daughter who sounds almost exactly like what you are describing. "I'm so stupid, nobody likes me, I need that book/that music to calm down".

I'm not sure what I have to offer here other than to think your friend is sounding very childish and attention seeking almost. I am not disputing depression or any of those things, they are real. I was just really struck by how much she sounds like my child (and obviously as a parent it's my job to try - try - and help her with those things). But it's not your job to solve this for your partner.

Do you think that last period was started off by the job change in work and then prolonged by the situation that you weren't 100% available to her, as you were taking care of a parent? And that made her sulk, basically? I'm making assumptions, but that's how it reads to me.

You sound like you're a crutch for her and it suits her to have you there to prop her up. Again, I am not disputing that she obviously does have issues, but she needs to attend the counselling and the GP and whatever other supports she has, she cannot expect you to be doing jazz hands all the time in an effort to cheer her up. There's a little voice in your head holding you back from marriage as you say, maybe you should listen to that little voice? I'm not suggesting you break up, but I think you should take care of yourself first, and try to just let her "be" - try to let her look past you for support.

She asks a lot of you OP, and while you're obviously prepared to give it and it is a help to her, you do need to draw a few boundaries for the sake of your own mental health too.

thefallingman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117948467#Comment_117948467

Well i started walking which then turned to hiking and that turned to jogging which basically saved me. You don't need anyone to go with you though a dog can be nice, it's free and so good for you. Get's you out of your own mind. I'd be careful trying to tell her what to do, or all the advice asking is it this or that the thing with depression is, you will only listen or do something when you are ready/able too personally, and the exercise gave me back self worth which in turn then made me more prepared for the battle ahead if you get me.

Potis 2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117948552#Comment_117948552

Hi Shesty, thanks for your post.

I don't believe she's 'sulking' as she encouraged me to be at home with my mother and was very supportive of that (her own mother has a debilitating health issue so she understands). I think she just has an inability to open up properly and vent in a healthy way. I don't know what she's like with her counsellor, but she always seems to hold stuff back when it comes to her friends. I suggested yesterday that she try to engage at a deeper level with a friend so that she has someone else to talk to other than me. This friend is a really good person, loyal, kind and understanding and I know she would love to be there for my partner.

mohawk

OP You can’t fix her or make her better. Like any chronic illness depression takes it’s toll on the person, but also the person around them. There are lots of people out there in a similar situation to you. I think it’s great your looking at talking to someone for you own mental health too. Reading your post it sounds like your going from highs to lows and back again. That is exhausting and you need to take care of yourself too. Don't forget the relationship is about both of ye a d that means the needs of both must be met for it to be a happy, healthy relationship.

Hi OP,

I really feel for what you wrote, but this is a bit of a red flag for me when you say "I do not want this relationship to end, we have both invested so much time and energy into it but it has been a constant worry." We all do this but it's a bad reason, imo, to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. If the next 9 years are as up and down as the last 9 years, would you consider it 18 years well spent and where would your mental health be after those 18 years?

There's lots of reasons to stay with someone but honestly, how do you see your future if your partner won't (or can't) change? It's maybe a cruel comment on my part, because love should be more than that but I don't know, a love that ruins your own mental health isn't a healthy love, a nurturing love and ultimately a sustaining love.

I'm not saying "get out" but i would recommend you get some real time to yourself to ask what you can give, and what's fair for someone else to expect you to give.

Good luck!

qwerty13

Depression can be a ‘selfish’ illness. Not necessarily because the person is being deliberately selfish, but because they simply don’t have the mental space to focus on anything else.

You, however, are not obligated to put up with her behaviour, regardless of the length of your relationship. You are not her minder. You are not her fixer. You have hopes and needs - and I do not believe in ‘unconditional love’. Of course it’s conditional; you’re hardly likely to be in a relationship with an axe-murdering homophobe, and ‘unconditionally’ love them.

My take on things is that I’d get therapy/counselling just for you, which is great. I’d also try my hardest to stop being the ‘fixer’ for your GF. She has to sort her own problems out, and not rely on you to jolly her along. She needs to engage with therapy / medication / diagnoses that she may not like. You cannot fix her. And she’s currently dragging you down, at a time you need to be supported.

Sorry if that’s harsh, but you need to look after you - and she needs to address her issues properly, not just moan about them. I’m afraid I think that you know in your head that this relationship is done with, unless your other half starts working towards solutions. How do you think 9 years, some of it very bad, translates to a lifetime? Please don’t do that to yourself OP.

sammyjo90

My ex was exactly the same as your Partner OP. On Medication, attended therapy sporadically but still in such a bad place.

I didnt want things to end between us but he realised he wasnt in a place to try for us. He preferred being alone in the spare room in his dark moods and couldnt bring himself out to try and be with me. In the end it was him who let me go because he knew it was unfair on me.

Only your partner can try and change, if they arent in the right place to they won't and they might not ever be.

Hopefully they can commit to going to the GP and looking at different meds and trying to work on themselves more. As others have said, you have to look at this and see could you put up with the current pattern another 9+years

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117947566#Comment_117947566

The first sentence, of this post, is horrific OP. Do not listen to it as it places blame on your partner. Your partner has an illness just like your mom and friend. One of the symptoms of this IS refusing to get treatment.

For my depression some of the best ways out was my wife simply saying "No matter how you feel right now I love you and need you" and "I'm always here for you" and in a (for want of a better term) non-nagging manner just saying "it would mean a lot to me if you would consider treatment".

The main, and hardest, thing to accept is that your partner has a chronic illness which you can not understand or see. It's hard for me, someone who battled it for years, to even remember how I actually felt. My "normal" brain can't even comprehend how it felt back then!!!

thefallingman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117952961#Comment_117952961

Well said, unfortunately some of the replies here show a real lack of understanding and is why people are still afraid to say they have issues, i mean the line above about a partner wanting to stay in a spare room with their dark moods is just unbelievable. I'm one of those people in a dark room like the op's other half, and i can tell you what i'd give to be able to leave it and lock the door forever. In that room we are cursing ourselves for the pain we are causing others and praying it all ends soon as we don't have a clue how to help ourselves. I like cork exiles partners approach though, simple but supportive so please try this op and ignore the they don't care or are selfish replies, they are simply not true.

sammyjo90

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117953037#Comment_117953037

Excuse me but thats how he felt. He told me whilst breaking up with me that preferred being alone in that dark place and wasnt in A place in his head to get out of it. Not for me or for him. No matter how understanding i was about him being there in the first place. That's why he ended it. So I'd thank you not to comment on my own experiences.

You can be the most understanding partner to your other halves depression but it does not mean they will get to be in a place to try and make your relationship healthier.

Every ones depression is different. The poster above you, said the most help they got from their partner was them saying " No matter how you feel right now I love you and need you" and "I'm always here for you.

That,unfortunately isnt enough for everyone.

I'm bowing out now

hawley

A huge amount of depression and anxiety is cyclical. So the reality is that the OP has to make a decision whether or not she's okay to live with her partner's behavior. It sounds like she has found that last nine years tough going. She shouldn't be guilt tripped into feeling that she has to stay in the relationship.