How do you heal

ace_irl

I'm going through a tough time right now and I don't know how to heal myself or stop this constant wave of emotions. My brain is mush at this stage.

Things ended with my boyfriend recently (together about a year), we were living together and after having a fight I found out he was lying to me about a lot of things. He pretended to be 4 years younger then he really is, I found out he was on dating websites and seeing escorts when he was meant to be in work. So many things clicked into place once I found this out, how he would always blame me for everything, being annoyed if my plans changed, get angry if I was hurt by his actions (the reason why we had a fight in the first place)

I know I don't deserve to be treated like that, and I know it's not my fault, he is just a terrible person but I just can't stop hurting and wanting to speak to him. I really thought we would make it work and build a life together, I have so much love for him and I just can not understand why this has happened and how someone can do that to another person.

I know with time things get better, and I need to hold my head high and move on but I just don't know how. I can't stop thinking of him and feeling so utterly broken. I've been left to deal with everything, the apartment we rent together, the dog we adopted, every bill.

If you're very depressed maybe seek medical help

If at a manageable level then things like intensive aerobic exercise (like jogging/ running for a minimum of 30 minutes) increase the feel-good chemicals in the brain and can set you up for the day in a positive way.

Something like the couch to 5k program (many free apps out there) can get you started on this in an easy-to-start way with gentle progression. all you need is a pair of running shoes.

Markcheese

Honestly - you've got to move on, get angry if you need to - you dont / didn't deserve to be dicked about -

But thinking about it all the time ain't going to help you -

Make a conscious decision to get out and get a life - gym- sport -hobby - new language - college course , anything - but get yourself busy -

That'll give you the time to get past things ..

Dial Hard

Take the time to grieve and then when you feel able, maybe schedule a few sessions with a counsellor to talk through any lingering issues. It sounds like things moved remarkably quickly in this relationship - you had shacked up together in a joint apartment and adopted a dog within the space of a year, all while Covid was going on, so maybe it wouldn't be any harm to have a think about why you (both singular and plural) felt the need to move so fast.

How long were you going out before you moved in together, if you don't mind me asking? It sounds like you really didn't know this guy at all before you (plural) both went straight in at the deep end.

PeonyPink

You saw the real him.

Deal with him the way he actually is, which is, a scumbag by the sounds of it and not they way you thought he was.

Problem is, people can say anything and manipulate you. Tell you what they think you want to hear.

Fact is - if he was in love with you and you had a future, he wouldn’t of treated you that way and you had a lucky escape. Some women will go through their whole prime tying themselves to a man who is doing this for years behind their backs. You might not see this now, but this is a blessing - trust me, I’ve had my fair share of bad experiences.

Cry and get it out. Cut off contact - do not reach out - are you mad? “Just wanna talk to him” ? Forget about that. Waste of time if you ask me and you would look available and desperate. Stay off social media for a while and do not stalk him, his friends/family or his conquests.

Go to counselling - this helped me alot with my bad experiences when dating. It’s really good and can help you.

Take up a new hobby - something you will love - art/ baking / cooking

Take up fitness - This gets the endorphins going and you’ll feel amazing. You’ll be setting goals - 5k/10k runs - you won’t be long forgetting about that clown

Spend time with your friends and family - plan lunches/ days out/ spa days / buy some new outfits and get your hair done with the girls/ go on a night out

Most important thing to say to you is be kind to yourself. Believe it or not, this is absolutely not a reflection on you or your value. You have a big heart with a lot to offer.

Another thing - don’t isolate yourself. I did that. Tortured myself and achieved nothing. Be with your friends and family.

Another thing - if he was seeing escorts and people from online, no harm to get an STI check? You already know he’s a liar. You can’t trust that there was protection used so be sensible and make that a priority this week.

This is all on him. You know what he’s really like and it sounds very ugly and sleazy to me. Scumbag.

Jequ0n

Maybe you are still in shock and disbelief at the extend of lies you have discovered. I am sure it will soon turn to (justified) anger. Have you spoken to anyone about this?

The lies about his age are what jumped out at me. If he lied about such key information about his identity you effectively don’t have any idea who he really was, and why he bothered to lie about this.

You will only get more lies, and of course the blame for the breakdown of the relationship, so save yourself the hassle of seeking another conversation.

SunnySundays

Of course you can't understand why he would treat you this way because you wouldn't treat anyone so badly. We can't understand a lot of what we would never do ourselves.

If you do talk to him, he'll just lie again...he has form for it.

You know he's an asshole. He exposed you to risk of STDs etc with his escort use. He is an absolute p****, there is no doubt about it.

You aren't in love with him. You are in love with how you thought he was.

You can't fast track getting over someone. Everyone tries, it doesn't really work. The only thing that has ever helped me is to limit my idol time. Fill my time with extra catch up with friends, more exercise, trips away, online study, etc. Preoccupie yourself with things and you will have less time to thing about him and eventually you'll realise it's less and less.