Bereavement and young children

El Gato De Negocios

My wifes father is currently gravely ill and is most likely going to pass away in the next 72 hours. We have two kids (one is 4 since April, the other 3 since August). Their grandfather has been in hospital for over 2 months and they are aware of this but when the time comes, Im not sure how to explain it to them. For context, they wouldn't have seen him all that often (probably 4 or 5 times since January) so he isnt a significant part of their lives but they are absolutely aware of who he is. Im thinking of the approach of telling him that he has gone to heaven and that sometimes, when people get very old, they go there. I want to avoid connecting sickness with death to avoid any phobias or anything like that but at the same time dont want to not give it the explanation a life event like this warrants.

Any advice welcome.

spaceHopper

I think you are over thinking it. When my father died we told our kids (under 4) that he had been very very sick and that he and the Doctors tried very hard but that they weren't able to make him better and that he die and was in heaven now. They were fine they still talk about him a bit 5 years later but they were so young it washed over them. We didn't take them to the funeral.

nikpmup

We told my then 4 year old that his nana was very old, and when a person gets very old their body stops working and they die. When a person dies we put their body into the ground to feed the plants and trees, and we remember them in a special way. We are non religious so there was no talk of heaven. He accepted this easily at the time - there were follow up questions for a while, but he understands now that some people belive in heaven and we don't.

I've had friends kids told about heaven and become confused as to where it is/why you can't come back from there, which was another reason we avoided it.

Whatever you tell them, make sure you let them know that its okay to be confused or sad, and to ask questions if they don't understand. Also, that their mam & you are going to feel sad and are going to miss him so they don't get upset at seeing their parents grieving.

I'm sorry for your families loss x

shesty

My own grandmother died when my kids were 5 and 3.They saw her most weeks so were aware of her.

We did say she was elderly, people die.But we do live near a church and have got caught in funeral traffic (hearse moving to graveyard) a few times, so we have also said when someone dies, there is a special Mass for them, and they are buried.We said people who to the Church believe that when you die you go up to Heaven (or into the sky, I can't exactly remember).We mightn't be the most religious family but funerals amd those rituals do still exist, and are a large part of the fabric of our society, so I want them to have some awareness and respect for that, I guess.

exaisle

Tell them the truth in their own terms e.g. "Grandad is gone to heaven".

If they ask for more info, follow that path but only answer the questions they ask and not the ones that your adult brain interprets.

Be honest with them and give them hugs. Its ok for them to see that you or your wife are upset.

Best of luck. I'm sorry to hear that your father in law is having a rough time of it.

HildaOgdenx

I hope that he goes peacefully, OP.

I agree with you about not linking with sickness, I also remember reading about someone describing it to a child as sleeping, and the child was worried about going to sleep for a while after that.

Keep it simple, as you have said, gone to Heaven, and that's a happy place or something along those lines.

They might see your wife, yourself or others upset, afterwards. That's okay too, just something to bear in mind. They will understand at their own level. Children can surprise you with how they deal with such things, even at their young age.

El Gato De Negocios

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117860140#Comment_117860140

I like that idea, the kids are mad about nature and the outdoors so thinking that grandad is helping to feed the plants and trees is a very nice way of explaining it. We arent particularly religious ourselves but my wife has faith and they will attending a Catholic school, their grandparents are all very religious too.

Thanks also to everyone else for the kind words, he passed at around 1 this morning, peacefully thank goodness.

nikpmup

I'm very sorry to hear that, OP, but glad he had a peaceful exit. Take care x

uberwolf

having been through this, want to echo the comments on heaven/better place being confusing for kids - i.e. are we not the best place? and over emphasizing the sickness piece can worry them for months whenever you, they, or anyone else close is sick (coughs, etc). We used the body broken as you get older type of reasoning which they were able to process

good luck