Both upset for different reasons

cailin.

I'm with my other half 5 years. We have a very stable and healthy relationship and are trying to buy a house.

A few weeks ago I was out with work colleagues and said to my boyfriend I wouldn't be out late and my sister offered to pick me up. When I messaged my sister she recanted her offer and I ended up getting a taxi home. My boyfriend was annoyed as I didn't text him to say my lift fell through (we had said goodnight and he wasn't forthcoming about offering a lift either).

He was annoyed at my sister not following through on her offer and at my indecisiveness about the whole night out as I kept changing my mind about going etc. I am incredibly indecisive.

Fast forward to last night. He had a work thing and he wasn't pushed going. We had a date night arranged and last minute he wanted to go to his work thing to show his face. I dropped him off and he told me to get ready for our date night, so when I collected him we could be ready to go as it was only a 15 minute car journey away. I got home and ready. He then text to say he wanted to stay a while would I mind getting him an hour later than planned. Meaning we wouldn't get our date night. He said he was sorry and would make it up to me. I felt like an idiot as I'd gotten ready and tbh felt it was bad form as we had plans arranged for the last week. He asked me to pick him up at 11 and when I texted to say was I to leave he said he'd get a taxi. I could have met a girlfriend instead and ended up waiting in to collect him. I was so annoyed my evening was wasted.

Today after work we tried to discuss things but he doesn't at all see why I would be upset at how he treated me. I get that plans change and without sounding like a bunny boiler (I'm not) I'm so disappointed he would just think nothing of the situation. It isn't about who is right or wrong but by now I think I deserve a little better than how he handled it. I offered to postpone our date night and encouraged him to attend the work thing so he had every chance to change it. He was adamant he was only going for an hour and he wanted our date night to go ahead as we were both looking forward to it.

These are small communication issues but when I think of them they are starting to annoy me. How do we work through these things? We don't ever fight and usually are really good communicators! And in our 30s. Any advice?

Jequ0n

I don’t understand why either of you got annoyed with each other tbh. Are you sure your relationship is that stable if you both get annoyed with such trivial matters?

noplacehere

Your night out didn’t affect him in the slightest correct, he didn’t have to get you or anything? Indecisive or not, I’m not sure why he was annoyed.

His night on the other hand did impact you a lot. I’d be pissed off about this. And even more annoyed if he didn’t understand why I was annoyed. If we had an evening planned and he ended up pulling out because he was at another event he definitely wouldn’t have expected me to sit around waiting to be taxi for him. I’m 10 years married. This would never have gotten to this as he just wouldn’t have done this.

lulublue22

I’m with noplacehere - it was irrelevant if you got a taxi or a lift from your sister home from your work do - it didn’t impact on his night / time at all. On the other hand he made plans with you and then messed you around and left you waiting ready to go out. Not ok in my book at all. There’s a big difference in times being changed to collect someone on a night out v’s someone making the decision to stay at a work do even though ye had plans to meet and he recommitted to those plans that very evening. Fairly disrespectful in my book.

qwerty13

It really felt to me as though he was ‘punishing’ you.

I don’t understand why he was annoyed that your sister didn’t drive you home from your night out. Or why he was annoyed that you didn’t tell him that. What’s wrong with you, an adult woman, getting a taxi home? It’s hardly a money issue, as you’ve both been on nights out. Was it that you came home later than you said you would?

Having said all that, I find indecisiveness - or more so people being indecisive and talking about their flip flopping decisions - incredibly annoying. So perhaps he saw the lift / no lift as yet more drama about your night out. Even if he felt that way, he should not have left you dangling like that though. It’s a very petty move.

skallywag

> My boyfriend was annoyed as I didn't text him to say my lift fell through

I am really struggling to get this OP. Why would he possibly care less whether your sister brought you home or whether you took a taxi? There seems to be no logic whatsoever in that.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117845328#Comment_117845328

He had prearranged plans with her. He confirmed the prearranged plans on the same evening. He told her to get ready and he would still be available for the prearranged plans. She got ready, waited for him and then he pushed out his collection time by an hour, and then later cancelled her altogether.

Seriously seriously bad form in his part. I'm not sure if it was just a once off, got carried away on the work night out. It can sometimes happen. Or is it a more sinister case of him making a fool of you, letting you down, having you on standby, letting you down again and seeing how far he can push you.

Your night out didn't affect him, in any way, shape or form. Why was it arranged that your sister, rather than he, would collect you on your night out? This might be just a once off 'off' situation. But I'd be looking to how he reacts to situations (that don't concern him) and also how he treats you in general in comparison to his family and friends.

It might be a one off, bad judgement. Or it might be a sign that you need to take notice of.

TheadoreT

His behaviour sounds a bit problematic to me. Almost like he needs to be in full control of what you're doing. There was zero cause for him to be annoyed by what happened on your night, sounds like he got agitated by the lack of certainty of where you were and who'd bring you home. Adults get taxi's home after being out drinking, it's perfectly normal, for him to paint it as something different is worrying.

On his night I think he had fully planned to stay at his party but made up the date and subsequent lift to keep you from going out and doing something else.

I wouldn't just brush these things off as small issues, as this type of thing can spiral. Has he ever displayed trust or control issues in the past?

YellowLead

I don’t understand why either of you were annoyed with the other either.

I don’t get his annoyance at all. In your case I would be upset if it was a new relationship where you are building trust, or if you had kids together and had arranged for a babysitter. But surely you two can go out any time?

I’ve gone to work things before that I thought would be a snore and then you end up having a great laugh with your colleagues and if work nights out are rare you don’t want to miss out. I know my ex would have understood and been happy for me to enjoy the night with colleagues.

I wonder if you are insecure in the relationship in general and therefore read more into this. I can’t imagine two people who are happy together would care of plans to go out were cancelled, unless it was a birthday or special occasion or kids had been arranged to be minded.

Do you not get to spend much time together or something? Is he always letting you down?

Hannibal_Smith

I'm wondering how the two events are relatable in your head? When you spoke about how annoyed you were did he bring the taxi up as some example of where you went wrong? As if they're the same thing?

If you're indecisive about things and constantly change your mind or aren't too pushed when arrangements change... There may be some explanation for him changing plans. But knowing he'd specifically told you to get ready and that you'd be waiting for him - I'd be furious.

If you had texted him and said you'd got an invite from a friend to go out and that's what you were going to do, would he have been happy with that?

If the craic was flowing I can kind of understand him not wanting to leave, but knowing you were getting ready at home is where the crux is for me.

Going forward if he's going for drinks with people it's unlikely later plans you make will happen. So don't make any. Unless it was some sort of lesson to you to show you what it's like when someone else changes plans because you got a taxi one night instead of getting a lift from your sister - that is completely unacceptable.

Neyite

Do you feel these two are connected? Do you think he did that deliberately to you on his night out as a result of your night out?

Your night out didn't impact him. He wouldn't even give you a lift. You don't need to give anyone a running commentary of your whereabouts or if your plans change unless they specifically include him.

His night out did impact you.