I want to leave, but fear is holding me back.

Pikalilly

Hi everyone,

I am going to come off as a horrible person here but I feel like I need some advice for the sake of myself and my partner.

I am currently in a relationship the last 11 years, myself and my partner got together when we were 16 years old and have been together ever since (1 hipcup after 1 year but was only a break up for 2 weeks)

I am 27 years old now, we had our first child 3 years ago, we both absolutely adore him. We didnt plan to have a child but it happened.

Just before we found out about the pregnancy, I was feeling this way as well, I wanted to leave her but felt like I couldn't, I didn't want to upset her shes a great person would go to the end of the earth for me

When she ended up pregnant it sparked a revival in our relationship, or at least all my thoughts were about my child and made me forget.

Until a few months ago were I am back to how I was feeling before she got pregnant.

We live together in a rented place, the 3 of us, if I was to leave her id move back home to the parents. (I'd continue to help her out with rent and other nescessities)

But I genuinly don't know how to even start the discussion, or whens the right time to start it.

I'm afraid she will constantly beg me to stay with her which I think she will, she will probably say stay and try for our child.

But its not about the child, I just feel miserable , and its not her fault. I will always be there for my kid and I do believe she would let me have access whenever she wants.

She has a heart of gold and its going to kill me to have to break it, while im not in love with her anymore I do still care for her.

She is like I said a great person, she cooks , she cleans, she works and shes a great mother, honestly people would call me crazy for leaving. But its extremely unfair on her if I don't leave. Thinking shes with someone who loves her when its not the case.

Has anyone been in a similiar situation? how do I begin this talk with her.

el Fenomeno

You don't actually mention why you want to leave, unless I'm missing it. You list an abundance of great qualities she has, so what exactly makes you want to leave?

You of course don't have to answer that, it just seems peculiar that you want to leave what seems like a great girlfriend and mother to your son.

NSAman

So you realise she is a wonderful person. So this isn't about her.. it's about you.

Why are you miserable? What are you not getting that you want?

The child re-ignited the relationship. Is this just about the monotony of day to day living? What do you want out of life?

Until you figure YOURSELF out, you are never going to be happy.

I echo what the others have said.

Will breaking up make you feel any better in yourself?

Pikalilly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117843107#Comment_117843107

Theres a few reasons I think,

Im unattracted to her, (although that's more recent) I don't want to have sex with her, her appearance hasn't changed much, it's not a weight thing or an ugly thing, she is neither imo, but I just have somehow found her unattractive that having sex has become difficult with her.

We don't talk much unless it's about our kid.

Our weekend consists of her watching something on the TV while I watch something on the computer and we drink albeit in the same room but may as well be alone (depends of nanny takes the kid over night of course we don't get blind drunk)

My cousin told me and il never forget it, when I first got with her he said odds are we won't be together for many years as we are too young. I think that's another reason we got together to young and after 11 years it's just become a mundane relationship that's held together over our child. That I think if we split now at least we're both still young that we can move on

Her father who's in his 50s has also done this to her mother they split up after 30 years together and I don't want that to be me, he told me in confidence that he's been unhappy for over 15 years but never said anything out of fear as well I suppose.

I must stress I don't know how she's feeling, she could feel the same way but I seriously doubt it

Pikalilly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117843117#Comment_117843117

She isn't the problem, I know it's me that is. It's my brain thinking this way.

I think I just want to be single. After getting together so young the 11 years has just drained me.

I don't feel like I've missed out on anything but if we were to continue the way things are now I would be miserable the rest of my life while she would unknowingly be with someone who doesn't truly love her for the rest of hers.

daveville30

Sounds like a normal relationship to me.im going to get a 6 pack tonight and put the earphones in and listen to a few tunes.she be sitting there watching some chick flick on Netflix.usually with a new baby you have to force yourself to make time for sex.the grass isn't always greener some lads are with total nut jobs.

Pikalilly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117843252#Comment_117843252

Might be a normal relationship but its not what I want for the rest of my life.

Hes 3 years old nearly 4, and its not that hes getting in the way of time for ourselves, its that when we can have that time, I simply don't want to do it with her.

ztoical

You are together 11 years and have a kid...time to be an adult and sit down and have a conversation about the where the relationship is and where its going. Yes it's likely she's going to ask you to stay for the sake of the child if nothing else which wouldn't be right, you should only stay because you want to be there otherwise its not fair on anyone. However OP you should at least give them both the courtesy of discussing the issues and being open to feedback. Maybe she also feels stuck in a rut, just looking after the kid and cleaning and cooking etc, maybe sometime apart would help or some professional help from a counselor. Do not agree to either option unless you are prepared to being open and honest. Do not string her along and also don't think if you leave you can waltz back in 12 months from now when you change you mind. Ask yourself what happens if you leave and are still miserable - Is there something else going on and your are transferring blame to your relationship? if she started dating someone new a few months after you are gone how would you feel and be honest with your answer. It may be that you've just drifted apart and there's no going back or you are just in a rut but it's time to have a conversation with her either way.

mct1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117843178#Comment_117843178

Never mind what your cousin said years ago, it's really not relevant or helpful. I can find you plenty of couples who got together young and sustain long and content enough marriages. And forget what her father told you about his marriage - that's irrelevant too. He's not you and she's not her mother. Sounds like your just complicating things by running these voices through your head. Don't use them to justify leaving.

You need to think things through more and sort out your confusion before you decide what to do. Write two lists of reasons to stay - including all her good qualities - and reasons to go, and see which looks more convincing. That can help. In the meantime maybe put some effort into varying your sex life - after 11 years together it's pretty normal to fancy your partner less or feel unfulfilled - and social life. Tricky with a 3 year old of course, but worth a try. Nothing will magically transform if you don't put the effort in. It's not her responsibility to make you happy, it's yours.

Sometimes there's no right or wrong answer and in the end you'll decide for yourself what to do. But you'll have to live with it so take your time. Good luck!

YellowLead

OP I think some others are being a tad unfair in dismissing this as normal - nobody owes anybody a relationship just because they are a nice person and just because some people are willing to settle for something that’s not right doesn’t mean we all do. I was with my ex since 17 and left a year and a half ago after almost 18 years. Best thing I ever did - I feel alive again. No longer trapped. Despite him still asking me to come back. For both your sakes I’d think about ending it.

However I think you should take the approach to ask her how she is feeling. Maybe a spark could be revived? But if you know in your heart of hearts it’s best not to drag it out I suppose. It will be a huge shock to her and she will need the support of family and friends. But she will get over it and have an opportunity to find somebody else, you are both still young.

I will add that lord above if you were feeling this way before having a kid that was the prime time to bolt!!! Anybody else reading this take heed.

NSAman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117843222#Comment_117843222

Hate to say it, but you have to talk with her then. No matter what, you have a son together. That is going to complicate things always.

If you are feeling this low and are starting to dislike the person then it is time to be honest. Once the genie is out, there is no going back though. If this lady is clued into you both, she may already know that something is off and it is better to come out and be honest about your feelings.

Its not an easy situation for either of you. You are both young which is the only positive in this situation.

Yellow Lead, absolutely is right about not doing this with children involved... but you are in the situation and have to deal with it. For you, for her and most of all for your child.

Forget what everyone else says, you have to be honest with yourself first and then with her.

I still think you have to understand what YOUR issues are though and what's making you unhappy.

1percent

Lad, it's very simple, stay or go.

If you stay you can go at any time in the future, I think you know that, this is why you are asking for insight here. If you make a unilateral decision to go that will cause massive damage to the relationship and you will always have a relationship with her and it will follow you into every other romantic relationship you will ever have after this. Do you want a spiteful, angry "baby mama" hanging over every meaningful relationship you have going forward? Because odds are thst is what she will become to you.

To be honnest it sounds like your not 100% sure what you want, you know you are not happy and you need to so something. Going off on your own sounds like a good idea so that is what you are thinking of doing.

My advice, first of all find yourself! If you need to go for a 10k run, meditate or (my personal choice) a night alone, no TV just music, Tom Waits is my pick, the really sad melincolly sh..stuff, and a bottle of whiskey. If you cry its workeing, punch a wall, even better.

Start with the 5 Ws.

Who are you?

What do you want?

Where do you want to be?

Why do you want to leave?

How do you do it?

After that, talk to her. And again and again and again Have adult conversations, tell her how you feel tell her what you have discovered about yourself and ask her how she feels and ask her what she thinks about herself, ask her to discover herself if needs be. Open, honnest Frank conversations are the backbone of any relationship.

Your "father in law" was unhappy for q5 year because he didn't talk. Don't do thst.

TALK TO HER

Jequ0n

_-

Ann84

When was the last time the two of you went away together as a couple? could you try to date again to reignite the spark before throwing in the towel?

if there is anything there, it would be worth exploring - share parenting a kid looks easy but honestly it can be a nightmare for all involved especially the kid so if there was any way to avoid it I’d take it… speaking from 15 years of share parenting experience

wildwillow

You are only 27 and sound like an old coiuple.

What is the rest of your life like? Do you both have jobs and outside interests? Look at all aspects of your lives and make an effort to add exercise, entertainment and maybe further education into the mix.

You need to climb out of the rut you are in and, if that means breaking up, then so be it.

But do you have a plan in mind for a better future, or just drift into another relationship?

Xterminator

OP - you are planning to break her heart and leave her as a single parent to raise your child.

So dont minimize it. you will be negatively affecting her life, your childs life, and risk the viability of her rented home too, if your contribution were reduced. I think you should put on your big boy pants, help her through the pregnancy, make sure the person you created together is fine.

edited as i though your were saying she was pregnant again rather than remembering the old pregnancy, (which IMO would be unforgivable!)

OP if you have decided to wreck your home in the ethereal pursuit of happiness you had best make sure they are looked after, and dont end up not able to affort rent and childcare etc,

After all you cant even put your finger on whats wrong? if the issues are with you, work on your issues - y'know before you destroy 3 lives.

Ummm there is no pregnancy to help her through? Or have I grossly misread the OP? The child is around 3. In fact the opposite is true given that every day they stay together is a potential new pregnancy that could occur. And then where would they be?

OP I am not sure there ever is a "right time" to have such a discussion. So when you say you do not know how to start it or when the right time is - there is no real answer to that other than "now". Or more precisely as soon as you are sure that a break up is what you want - or that you are hitting a brick wall where you can no longer proceed alone in your feelings on this matter.

Remember if you really are fully intent that you wish to end the relationship then this woman has to get on with the rest of her life. She has to make changes to her life to accommodate being single. She might want to find love again. So every day she is in a relationship that she may believe is forever - but is in fact already over - is a day stolen from her future.

Similarly your child is at a pretty robust age where he may be more amenable to change. If you make the transition to a split parenting in a calm and considerate and gentle fashion it could minimise the effect it will have on him. Will the same be true when he is older? No one here can say as we do not know the child. But knowing my own children I can certainly say that a break up now would affect them significantly more than a break up years ago.

But overall I would echo what others have said here. The key is communication. Whether you want to save the relationship or end it - it sounds like communication is not flowing here. A conversation of some sort needs to be had where you explain the feelings you have - the other feelings you have lost - and that currently you only see one choice for moving forwards but also want to hear and consider any choices she may suggest that you might not yet have considered.

mohawk

I think some posts have been pretty harsh OP. You were so young getting together and have been in a relationship all through the figuring yourself out years. Look the grass isn’t always greener, but if this relationship is done then over time resentment will set in and honestly that won’t be good for your son.

Right now look at your career, hobbies, housing situation, what you want from the future etc and really ask yourself what is it you want and can you see it happening within your relationship. Talk to her about what she wants etc. You never know she might feel similar but too scared to make a change due to fear of trying to cope financially as a single mother renting.

She can be nicest girl in the world but if you don’t love her and see a future with her then your getting in the way of her finding someone who does.

SunnySundays

This happens a lot of couples when they get together very young. Some split and it's the best decision they've ever made. Others regret it hugely.....there's no way of predicting which one you will be.

You need to figure out of it's the relationship or life that is making you unhappy as they are two very different things. Have you spoke to anyone else, abroyher you are close to or a very trusted friend etc. It's a lot to be carrying yourself.

Either way, you have to discuss it. You could even start by asking if she's happy, if she considers you both stuck in rute, if there's things she would like to change etc.

There's no easy way to break up here, just make sure you do it with as much certainty as possible and with as much respect as she deserves as the mother of your child.

Pikalilly

I just want to thank everyone here for there input,

I've had a long think over the last week and I've decided to talk to her today about it.

Thank you all.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117876497#Comment_117876497

Best of Luck. Don’t rush into anything. Be kind.