How big a deal is it introducing new partner to child?

System

This discussion was created from comments split from: Introducing son to new partner.

Buddy Bubs

Can I ask the OP if it's OK to piggyback on his thread and to ask the parents here a question also......

How big a deal is it introducing a child to a new partner?

My gf and her ex husband broke up when their baby was 1. He is 5 now. I always knew her as a friend, not in same circle or anything like that but we did cross paths quite a bit and were always friendly and got on well. I asked her out for a walk about a year ago and slowly we got together and meet most weekends. Shes mental in work plus studying too so midweek is out at the moment.

However, we can only do something when her ex takes their son, which isn't often he isn't too bothered. Her parents do the odd time too if asked but she doesn't like burdening them and they live a bit of a trip away.

I have suggested that when we are just going for a walk or a coffee or some daytime activity that we could bring him, it would allow us to meet more and I'd love to meet the little man too. I know all about him but not met yet. Bit frustrating but I think I understand her position....although it sometimes annoys me I've never said as such. At the moment she is sitting in her house and I am in mine 10 mins drive away. Would this be normal mother protecting her son behaviour? I've no kids myself so have to take that into account when dealing with my emotions about it! Her son comes first, I know that.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117812963#Comment_117812963

I think you should start your own thread as this will get buried and responses will get confusing.

Anyways, it's really hard to give advice on what a third person is thinking and the reasoning behind it.

Looking at things objectively it is only a year and she does have to put her son's feelings first. His dad seems to have already walked out on him and she is probably wary of that happening again.

I doubt when she got married she thought the marriage would break up, or when she got pregnant they would split a year later, so she's probably in the "once bitten twice shy" category of thinking. She is also probably grieving the end of the marriage, maybe not the marriage itself but the hopes and dreams of the future that went with it.

She may not be as "into" the relationship as you are either (as she does have a fair bit of emotional damage from the end of a marriage) that's not to say the relationship is doomed just that she might be alot more guarded than you are. She also has herself and her son to think about.

I think you need to sit down and have an honest chat about it, she where her head is at. It's a massive step (or at least it should be) introducing new partners to your children, she may not be there, or she may view your relationship as a casual distraction, she may not even realise that herself.

Again very hard to give advice on a third person.

Best of luck 🙂

@Buddy Bubs

@Buddy Bubs "How big a deal is it introducing a child to a new partner?"

Its differs, some people are more casual about it, but for others, its a huge deal.

This lady seems like she leans more towards the "its a huge deal" side. At 5, Her child is still young and they have probably been through some other big changes in their young life over the last 2 years (covid, maybe starting school or starting soon?) so I think you are just going to have to leave it up to her to be the best judge of when (or if) she wants you and her child to meet.

Big Bag of Chips

Reply from OP @Buddy Bubs

Thanks Loueze and Princess Calla, nice balanced viewpoints which I'm trying to hold myself. Yes, there has been plenty of upheaval and with all she has on at the moment working full time, running a home and a family and doing her studies, she struggles sometimes. But I guess mothers are very strong. I'm willing to contribute more if I am allowed but at the moment I guess I just have to respect her own judgment. Making sure I'm right for her and her son is probably part of it too, which is fair.

Big Bag of Chips

Reply from @Princess Calla

You can still ask though, or even ask where she sees the relationship going. You don't have to be 100% passive either. Just to make sure the two of you are on the same page as to where you would like the relationship to go.

Big Bag of Chips

Buddy Bubs, I have moved your query and replies to your own thread.

I had to manually copy/paste the latest replies into this thread. I didn't move them at the same time as the first posts, and I don't seem to have the functionality to merge posts into a thread, just to create a new thread.

Sorry for any confusion.

listermint

Of you are going out a year and she's still not receptive to you meeting. Alarm bells for me. She either sees no real future for you pair or something else is a miss like holding out for the ex.

A year is a ridiculous amount of time frankly to introduce you two.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815550#Comment_117815550

I don't necessarily agree with this.

A year during a pandemic where nothing is normal really is no time at all.

There are so many unknowns in this situation..... why marriage broke up, what's the child like....do they respond well to change, are they emotionally sensitive etc. Are there other changes like starting school changing Montessori anything else that might cause upheaval in a child's life.

In my opinion I often think kids are introduced way too early in the relationship, bonds are formed and then the relationship ends leaving another void in the child's life.

I definitely think the situation warrants a conversation, however without knowing the absolute full situation (which I'm not suggesting the OP divulges) making blanket statements isn't overly helpful.

listermint

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815663#Comment_117815663

Huh ? Partner hasn't been there since child was 1 . The child is 5 now.

There's something really suss about the timelines on this pandemic or not. The country has been very open especially outdoors this year alone.

I'd be questioning the future of this one .

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815677#Comment_117815677

This thread stemmed from another thread where the poster was with his partner 2 years and still hadn't introduced them to his child. The poster planned a future with his current partner.

Every relationship is different. This timeframe would obviously be a deal breaker for you, which is fine, to others they might view it as a parent protecting their child.

But again I do think the op needs to discuss the relationship with the girlfriend to ensure that they are on the same page about where the relationship is heading.

As for introducing partners to your children that's absolutely up to the parent, there is no one size fits all in this.

listermint

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815755#Comment_117815755

This thread is about this poster though not the other one. So what has that other threads marriage go to to with this one ..

Tbh. If you haven't introduced a new partner in an entire year at least once to your child then it's not serious , or their is serious problems. Il stand by my opinion on that. A year is a long time tbh .

banie01

It's a massive deal. Introducing a partner to your child has a few threads imo. You are seeing this woman a year, there's been a pandemic and all the confusion and worry that comes with that.

I think it's important aswell to ask yourself how often ye see each other? Is it regular "in-person"? Or is it grabbed time when convenient with most of the chat via messages and so on?

What's the dynamic when ye meet up? Is it attraction, sexual energy and craic? Or is it that, with the added undercurrent of love, respect and hope for a future together?

I was a single dad for nearly 5yrs and had some hook ups in that time. Relationships would be too strong a word, and whilst I enjoyed their company and I hope they did mine.

None of those were relationships that led to me wanting to develop them or introduce those ladies to my son or my family. But they were fun 😉

Introducing my son to a potential partner is something I've done as a single dad and done once. I had introduced her to some family members 1st and it was a slow careful process.

I say once because the woman I introduced my son to, became my wife and his step-mam. It wasn't an easy journey and at all times along the way my son was forefront in my thinking but truth be told he was probably far more ready to meet my then GF, than I was to remove what was a definitive separation in my life.

I was "Dad" 6days a week, with my son staying in my MiL's 1 night a week and that was when I spent time with my GF as in going out and such. I had known her for quite a long time before we got together, and it was a relationship we built slowly but once I knew it was serious after about 6 months together. I knew it was time for her and my son to meet, because without at least some click there. I would have been leading her on.

They took things slowly, started with an introduction and a day out, then some time around each others homes and as their relationship developed, so did ours as a couple and as a family.

Look it's a very fraught situation and it's one that really needs the primary parent and the child to have a degree of trust in each other. Where a person is parenting alone, either via separation or bereavement the last thing they want their child to experience is further loss.

Introducing a potential partner, having them develop a bond and then having to explain why that person isn't around anymore if the relationship breaks down?

That's a real fear and a frightening prospect. It takes an enormous degree of trust in a potential partner and the future of the relationship to push through that fear and risk exposing parent and child to that pain.

Anyway, all I can say is talk to her. It may be you are further along the path to this being a solid relationship than she is. Ask, talk it out and be honest.

Buddy Bubs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815677#Comment_117815677

Thanks for your concern!

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815788#Comment_117815788

The point I was making was in the previous thread the poster was with his girlfriend for 2 years and still hadn't introduced his son to her. He was committed and saw a future together.

This relationship is only a year old.

To be honest I can she where his girlfriend is coming from, no one gets married expecting to be a single mum in a couple of years. So I can definitely see why she'd be cautious embarking on a new relationship and extra cautious introducing her child.

My friend is divorced with 3 kids. She waited over a year to introduce him to the kids. Did everything 'right' , he moved in after another year.

everything going well.......until he up and left one day, no warnings, nothing. Kids devastated.

I can't see her introducing those kids to anyone again!

everyone and every circumstance is different OP, don't push it, allow your girlfriend to decide.

nothing wrong with having a discussion about the future though!

Buddy Bubs

Just to update...I never had the discussion but was asked if I'd like to go for a walk out in howth and some food at the weekend with herself and the young lad and I did, lovely day out I got on well with him and had a bit of craic. So first meeting down, obviously it was outside the house etc but a nice step forward. Didn't try to be daddy or anything but I did buy us all a nice fish n chips and ice cream. Felt good.

banie01

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117896244#Comment_117896244

Thanks for the update. Also, really happy it went well for ye. It's a slow process but worth it if you want to be with her and him 😉