Introducing son to new partner

This is it

Evening all,

I'm hoping for some advice. I have a six year old son from a previous relationship. He comes we me almost every weekend and we always have a ball. He's very sweet. My relationship with his mother is probably best described as rocky. There were court battles for access many years ago and although we're getting on ok now, this can change from time to time like the flick of a switch. She's incredibly difficult to argue with, there's no logic.

I'm with my new partner 2 years and she is amazing. She is so good with kids and I know my son would love her but the obvious issue is mentioning this to my ex. Covid doesn't make this any easier. Also to note, we aren't living together but that will likely change in the next 6 months.

I foresee many excuses will be used as to why my son shouldn't meet my partner so I'm looking for the best way to approach this. Should I be waiting until Covid cases are more stable? All involved are vaccinated, except my son obviously.

Any other general advise aside from Covid?

Any advice appreciated.

Princess Calla

To be fair two years is a long time to be together so obviously not a "flash in the pan" relationship.

I presume your access is court mandated so in theory your ex can't block it.

I think once everyone is vaccinated there's not really many reasons for your ex to object to. Yeah seeing you move on might be difficult and there might be a knee jerk reaction but it is inevitable that both of you will move on.

Until you are living together I'd probably hold off on the overnight stays while your son is in the house, so you can have a day time activity all 3 of you but then she goes home and he gets you to himself.

Best of luck

ubs69

Watching this ,, court orders on access are not enforced ! If she don't want you to see your kid you won't. I think just let your ex know what your doing and deal with the reaction

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798576#Comment_117798576

It is court ordered but amended mutually for my son's benefit. Also, yes, there would be no overnights or anything. To start it would be small outings the odd time, I still want the me and him time to continue while he gets to grips with things so maybe lunch some weekend, then the zoo a few weeks later. Gradually introducing them. Thank you.

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798617#Comment_117798617

I can only speak from my own experience. While court was incredibly difficult and frustrating, when my ex did break the judge's order, way back then, the judge went through her for a short cut. This happened on one occasion and the judge warned of possible imprisonment should she not comply with the order. It may have been an empty threat but there were no issues after that.

I don't plan on asking permission but I will be informing her when I do decide for them to meet.

HerrKapitan

Personally I'd wait after a while of living together. Moving in together is the real make or break in a relationship I think.

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798742#Comment_117798742

While I understand your logic, we're together 2 years and that's long enough for me to confidently say I want my son to meet my partner, who I believe I'll spend the rest of my life with.

Rubberchikken

I agree, 2 years is a good length of time to be together and you seem to be positive about the relationship.

Introduce them slowly. While you may be expecting a negative reaction from your ex, I think it's only fair that you let her know your plans.

Your son will mention meeting your partner at some stage and it mightn't be the best way to have it brought up.

Good luck

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798742#Comment_117798742

Are you really suggesting that the first time the OP's son meets his partner is when they move in together? Sorry, but that's objectively awful advice. "Hey, bit of news, this complete stranger you've never seen before in your life or even knew existed is moving in and going to be sleeping in my room!"

OP, two years is certainly more than enough time for an introduction to be made. Your ex is going to react badly no matter what by the sounds of things, so make your son your focus here and do it in a way that he can process and understand. Best of luck.

HerrKapitan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117798985#Comment_117798985

No. I meant that the OP would live with his partner for a period before deciding to introduce his son.

Sometimes you don't really know a partner until you move in together.

TheadoreT

You sound like a very considerate father which is great to hear. You'd hope for your kids sake she's not in such a dark place where she'd make this difficult for you as that would mean he's been living in a fairly hostile home most of the time.

Do you know if she's had any boyfriends in this time and introduced your son to any of them? If so I'd imagine that would make your plight immeasurably easier.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117799007#Comment_117799007

He has his son almost every weekend. How is he supposed to move the partner in without the son noticing? Sorry, but I really have to say again how terrible I think this advice is. It's doing things by stealth when there's no reason for it. Even if they could somehow pull it off, at what point do they reveal that she's actually been living there for X amount of time? It's a disaster waiting to happen. I actually have no idea why anyone would even consider this.

Dial Hard

Also, if I was in a relationship with a single parent with partial custody of their child and they suggested I move in with them without ever even having met the child, I'd be horrified. Just, no. No, no, nopity nope.

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117799049#Comment_117799049

I don't want to start getting into previous issues but the smallest things can and have escalated and that's a worry. I think the threat of going to the guards with the court order (I realise they'll tell me its a civil matter but the threat has worked before) and the threat of getting on to my solicitor will be enough of it comes to that.

My main concern is my son and the knock on affects on him should she resist. That's not something I can control other than to explain things to him as things slowly progress. "This is my friend I'd like you to meet" etc.

When I do go ahead with this, as I said, I'll not be looking for permission but more so informing her. I wouldn't introduce my son and partner with doing that.

Two years is more than enough in my opinion. I know my son and I think he'll take it in his stride.

I'm not aware if she has had a partner or not. My son doesn't keep secrets, at all 😂 , so I'd probably know if she did.

Thanks for the advice so far, I'm very grateful.

Goodigal

You sound like a great dad. I'm shocked that you haven't introduced your son to your new partner after 2 years. I have it in my head that a year would be reasonable so fair play to you for that. I would have mentioned this person to my child though so it's not a big shock that dad has a close friend. Just to normalize it as such. Maybe show him a few pics of you together?! And like others have said, it might be strange for you to be living together when you introduce her for the first time. Both for her and your son.

My ex husband introduced 2 new partners (so far!) to my children and while I was irritated he never told me when it was happening, it wasn't anything to get upset over because the children didn't really care too much. And they're all that matter. I hope your ex doesn't have issues because you've all moved on. Good luck.

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117799427#Comment_117799427

The main reason has been Covid to be honest, I think I'd have done it before now if not for that but as I said, all adults in the scenario are fully vaccinated now but numbers are still high and I know this will be used as a stick by my ex.

My plan would be to introduce them slowly, so at a family event or similar setting instead of just the three of us. I think that'd be best.

Thank you, appreciate the response.

racso1975

I fully understand what youve and the way you did it is commendable..... My only advice is that the ex might not be the biggest prob you face. As you said your 6 old has had sole access to you every weekend. You guys have a ball together and I'm sure he looks forward to it massively just like you do. Now he is gonna have to share his daddy and his daddy's attention... Hopefully this wont cause any problems bit I'd keep an eye on this.

This is it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117801180#Comment_117801180

I had thought about this but maybe not enough. They'll be introduced gradually but I'll make sure we always get lots of "us" time to hopefully help with any thoughts he has of losing time with me or having to share me.

Thank you.

It might seem strange but I'm absolutely dreading the encounter with my ex, probably need to grow a set and just get on with it.

osarusan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117799113#Comment_117799113

I think the point is to make sure the relationship survives the 'move in together' stage (many relationships don't) before the OP introduces his partner into the son's life, rather than doing it straight away only for the relationship to come to an end afterwards.

Not the worst advice in my opinion, although I agree it'd be difficult to hide the fact that the partner is living there.

spaceHopper

Be careful, I’ve a friend who’s ex made up allegations against him and it’s cause him to go through hell. 

I’d tell your ex that you have meet somebody, it’s been two years and you feel it time for her and your son to meet, you won’t overload him just a walk or lunch, you hope that’s ok. Don't mention living together yet.

Be ready keep any text message as screenshots and if she blows up leave it 1 hour before you answer and say as little as possible 

You are your child's joint guardian, I assume?

While it is very commendable that you want to be respectful towards your son's mother here, and you sound like a wonderful father, you don't actually need her permission on who you can introduce your son to, or when. That is up to you to use your own judgement, and decide.

Let her know when you plan to make the introduction, but in such a way that it is as a courtesy, not a request. This way she can also be prepared for if your son goes home to her with questions afterwards. As he might very well do. But take no nonsense from her if she attempts to say no, becomes obstructive, or uses excuses trying to prevent you from introducing your son and your partner. She doesn't have the right to dictate to you who you and your son can spend time with, during your access visits. (And vice-versa - remember this if she ever does introduce your son to someone in her life.)

I also agree with the advice to start slowly, with small outings, and build up from there.

Good luck.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117807049#Comment_117807049

It's been two years, hardly introducing them "straight away".

Moving the partner in before she and the son meet each other is putting the cart waaaaaay before the horse, imo. I absolutely get that there's always an element of "If you want to know me, come and live with me" in any relationship but if they do that, then introduce the partner and son and that doesn't work for some reason, the OP and the partner have an *awful* lot more sh!t to sort out than if they weren't living together. It just seems a completely crazy and bass-ackwards way to do things, imo.

This is it

Yes I am joint guardian, though had to go to court for that too.

I'm going to tell my ex about my partner in the coming days, and that I want her and my son to meet in the next few weeks. Explain it will be done gradually, first as his dad's friend, etc. Small doses, family lunch or dinner first, trip to a park or for a walk a few weeks later.

I'll let it sink in and see how she reacts, not that it matters. She can choose to help me, and as an extension of that help our son, or she can drag her heels and make it difficult for all involved. My son is my number one concern but I'm not going to hide an amazing part of my life just because his Mam is difficult. I'll do my best to help him understand through it all.

I'm likely overthinking all of this to be honest. It won't be easy but probably not as big an issue as I'm thinking it could be. We'll soon find out!

appledrop

Wow, two years is a long time for you not to introduce your son to her even with Covid.

Fair play to you for waiting that long but you do definitely need to make that next step if you see this relationship going the distance. Your new partner has to start been involved in your sons life to make sure it works for all of you.

Looking at it from your current partners point of view she seems like a keeper, she has obviously understood for past two years that your son comes 1st every weekend and your not available to her at moment on weekends.

Time to move it along for everyone's sake. Your ex won't be happy by sound of it but you don't need to ask her permission and she will have to go over it. Take note if your son tells you she is giving out about you or your new partner etc because that won't go down well with judge.

mohawk

Different situation as I have primary custody and my ex has access. My son was 9 when I introduced him to my now Fiancé. I told my son about the relationship first and let him get used to the idea. The first few meetings were quite short to be honest. Went for walks , playground, grabbed an ice cream. Tried to keep to activities that my son wasn’t forced to interact directly if he didn’t want to. My son met my partner before we moved in together because if they didn’t click then it was game over for the relationship. It worked out for us and my son and partner get on very well and have a great relationship. I did tell my ex first who wasn’t happy about it but all he did was make some snide comments about it.

It will take time OP and your son is used to having you to himself when he stays with you, but will adjust to the new partner.