Alcoholic husband

Moragle

My husband is a chronic alcoholic. He would stay off the drink for a few months and then go back on spirits morning to night for weeks at a time. He doesn't do it in our house because I won't let him, so he leaves me and goes to his dads house. The father is also an alcoholic so not only does he want him there so he has a steady supply of drink but he actually buys his drink.

My husband is two months out of rehab and started drinking again worse than ever two weeks ago. Hes going to die and it's going to happen soon.

Hes destroyed my life and my mental health and I can't help him anymore. I know the best thing to do is just move on but I can't stop worrying about him. Plus to make it worse every time he falls or injures himself they're ringing me to come up and fix him. I'm not doing it this time but I have in the past.

How do I come to terms with the fact I can't stop him dying? I'm totally heartbroken. Break ups are hard enough when you still love someone. But I'm also sick to my stomach with worry about him.

Thanks for any advice x

NSAman

Difficult situation to be in. One thing to remember.. you cannot control him. He and ONLY he can sort himself out.

He will drag you down with him, if you let him. When you love someone who is an alcoholic it makes life unbearable. You have described it perfectly.

You can get every possible help for that loved one. You will spend nights up worrying. You wait for the phone to ring. In many cases you get abused.

You cannot cut all ties, but that would be the best option (in my mind). If you do cut all ties you will be the worst person in the world.

I cannot give you advice, as each situation is different with many variables.

You have to make sure YOU are ok, you cannot let anyone drag you down. Even if you leave the situation, you will still be waiting for the phone calls, the expectant demise, the abuse, the talking about you....etc..etc....

My simple rule... look after you as much as possible.

Big Bag of Chips

Al Anon changed my life.

It taught me that a lot. It taught me that I am not responsible. "Detach with love" is what they call it. In my case I was ready to just detach completely.

Have you ever had any counselling for yourself? Counselling + Al Anon will help you through what you are inevitably going to go through.

Drumpot

Hi Moragle,

Sorry to hear about your pain. Your post suggests you want to move on (and from the sounds of it, you possibly should), the question I would have is what supports do you have to help you ? Friends , family, professional ? This is key, doing it on your own probably seems daunting and maybe impossible and may feel like a lonely journey. Perhaps you haven't told those close to you what's been going on out of embarrassment or something else, but in my experience when I bottle up my pain from those I love I feel even more lonely and isolated then needs be.

There is support in places like AL anon and other mental health services, but if you continue to try and "rescue" your husband on some level it may be very difficult for you to look after yourself. Think of when you are on a plane and they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before putting on a Childs, its the same thing with mental health, if you look after yourself first, you will then be able to look after others if needs be. But whatever you do, I think you need to consider support services (even your doctor if you are comfortable) you should think of using.

There is a book called "When the body says no" from Gabor Mate that I found particularly insightful. Plenty of stories in it about people caring for others at the expense of their own well being and health. (https://drgabormate.com/book/when-the-body-says-no/) That on its own may make you start to focus on how your relationship is impacting you and you may see some illness's that you can relate to. It also suggests (like ACE scoring) that the wellbeing and recovery of people is greatly enhanced proportionate to the support they get when they need it.

On a wider point, part of the issue with Alcoholism is the stigma, misunderstanding and downright ignorance of society that doesn't really care to understand it on any meaningful level. Your husband sounds like he needs support aswell, but there is a social stigma/ignorance that quite often leads to denial, shame and guilt (from addict and partner) that means the problem isn't addressed and nobody gets support. If a person shared with a friend/family that their partner had cancer or MS they would get support and there would be empathy for their partner aswell. But if a person shares about their "alcoholic partner" there is no guarantee they will get support outside of "you should leave them" and anger against their partner. This implies the partner is just being selfish (as if addiction is a lazy choice) and the person staying with the addict is stupid or naïve to remain with them. That's not helpful and its not being supportive, that's implying that everybody is to "blame" for the situation and if they just used common sense it would all be fine.

In summary, if you do not have support networks, my suggestion would be to look to build up some support in multiple channels. I do not overly rely on one support mechanism as all humans will let you down or not be able to help you at some stage. This not an insult, but an observation. Its not fair for anybody to expect one person to have the answers for them (like maybe your husband relies on you too much). When one support falls, its important to have others. Friends , family, doctors, therapists, yoga, meditation, religion, support groups, there are so many different support networks that you can rely on. When you find somebody who can relate to your story, it can be liberating and comforting to be able to share your pain with somebody who can identify with it.

Moragle

Thank you all for your replies, it's true there's such a stigma attached to alcoholism. It's particularly hard because his dad is not just his enabler but his active encourager. And then the father sits in the pub bitching about me even though I've only ever tried to help him. But he won't help himself and I can't try anymore.

I have a few close friends and family who are great supports. I'm also seeing a counseller and I'm going to an Al anon meeting on Tuesday.

I know I have to look after myself but it's very hard to do because I'm so worried. But I've decided I'm going to try harder to put myself first

NiceFella

Hi Moragle,

My own mother was a pretty heavy alcoholic. It was very difficult growing up with it. It could be so painful and stressful at times. I know what your talking about when someone you love hits the self destruct button.

I don't want to give advice on your husband because each situation is different. But as you seemed to have said he would periodically abstain for a while? My experience with individuals that abstain and relapse like that is that they are dealing with undiagnosed depression and also get bored/apathetic with life and alcohol gives them a temporary release. If he can quit for several months, there must be some cyclical up and down that he may need to get to grips with? Perhaps there may be something to that. But anyway, changing can be more difficult when you get older.

However you need to protect yourself first and foremost. You should definitely go to a therapist and widen your support group be it with family or AA or both to discuss what you are going through. Believe me, so many people experience this and suffer alone, it doesn't need to be that way. Then you could practice "tough love" with your husband. But that's up to you.

Also, I wouldn't hold on to any I'll feelings of the father. He sounds like a lost cause. It will only torment you. It may suit the father to have his son as a drinking buddy, but it's himself who is responsible at the end of the day. I get it enablers are annoying, but the person has to see sense themselves.

I think Gabor Mate was mentioned above, he is one of the most wonderful compassionate and intelligent people I have ever listened to. I would listen to some of his videos on addictions etc.

Moragle

Thanks nicefella I think the other reason I have so much resentment about his father is because he's extremely verbally abusive, this is constant to my husband but it has been directed at me on a number of occasions. I've spoken about this to my therapist at length and I had been avoiding the father for the last few months, however because now they're both drinking in his house the father keeps contacting me when there's a fall or no shopping in or whatever. As I've said, I'm not going up to help or shopping for them or helping in any way. But if I don't answer my phone he rings my work phone.

My husband definitely has issues with depression and with the nature of the relationship with his father. I thought these might be dealt with to some extent during rehab but if they were they obviously didn't stick.

I'll continue with the counselling and I'm definitely going to al anon. I've tried everything I can to help him and all its done is wreck my own head. So I'll just have to try and keep busy and develop coping strategies to get through the next while

Big Bag of Chips

Block his father’s number on your phone. If you have caller display on your work phone, don’t answer his number. Or pick up and hang up. Or get a colleague to answer and say “She’s not here today”. There might even be facility to block his number from your work phone. Any attention you give this at all is encouraging him to keep trying to suck you in.

Your husband and his father are adult men who have made their choices. Your husband is able to stop when he wants. So he has that ability. It’s not your job to steer him towards treatment, or diagnosis or whatever else. That again would be you taking on responsibility for his recovery. It’s not your responsibility.

My husband was a very heavy drinker. He had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and I enabled it for far too long. We fought, I cried, we argued some more, I cried, I begged, I threatened, I cried (there was a lot of crying involved!) until one day it clicked, and I stopped. He had tipped me over the edge and I walked out. It took him a day or two of sending abuse via text and getting no response to realise I was done. I had no interest in engaging with him on any level for as long as he was drinking. Al-Anon and counselling helped me massively to get to that point. In Al-Anon you just hear everyone else’s story. There’s no judgement. Nobody is questioning why we do what we do/did. Everybody has their own story and everybody realises that we’re all just normal, good people trying to carry on as best we can... and there’s no easy solution.

Al-Anon and AA have annual conferences. One of the women in our groups is involved in organising them. She said a national one could be held in Croke Park, and if everyone in the country who needed it attended, they would fill Croke Park many times over. So you are not alone in this. So many families living with it, and mostly living with it in silence/shame. Good luck to you. You seem to have your head screwed on and know your limits when it comes to what you can do with him/them. It’s never easy. But you get better at it!

Moragle

Thanks bboc, your description of the arguing threatening and especially the crying is so true. Nobody has ever made me cry as much and that's so not right.

I've blocked the father's number and when I go back to work on Monday I'll get someone to tell him I'm not in if he rings.

I wish I could detach completely but its like a 2nd job not ringing or calling in to see how he is. But im determined not to do it this time. I've always caved before, brought him home, sobered him up, dealt with the begging for drinks till the worst has passed, got him librium off the dr etc.

But this time when I got the call that he'd fallen which is normally the point where I start fixing him up I just thought **** it you've made your bed and it's not in beside me.

Big Bag of Chips

I cried through my first 2 Al-Anon meetings. And every single person there told me they did the same when they started!

We've all lived different variations of the same life.

I've just linked to this on another thread. It was the first leaflet that I was given at Al-Anon and I actually laughed out loud when I read it. Because I thought the author of it was speaking about me and my husband specifically!! (Despite it being first published before either of us were born!)

Moragle

BBOC thank you for this, it definitely also applies to me and my husband! Especially the bits about him convincing me I'm the mad one and the pressure that's put on me not to "abandon" him (can't think of a better word)

Tomorrow is my first time at Al anon and I'm going to stay with a friend after so if I'm upset I have someone there. I'd been answering his calls still up until I started this thread yesterday but I haven't today and I've asked my work friends not to put calls through from his dad from now on.

I really really appreciate all of you who have taken the time to reply and shared your own experiences. It won't be easy but it helps to know I'm not the first or last to go through this. Thank you all for your support

Big Bag of Chips

As I said, I cried through my first couple of Al-Anon meetings. But the people in my group were so lovely. They supported me, encouraged me to let it out. Told me if I held it in all week this was the place to let it out! And leaving my first meeting I wasn’t upset. I actually felt lighter, and felt like something was happening!

I’m finding it hard to explain exactly but, in that room I didn’t have to explain myself. I didn’t have to minimise or make excuses. I didn’t have to pretend to anyone. I have one or two very good friends that I confide in. One was married to an alcoholic and drug addict (my husband’s brother, as it happens) and one had her own issue with drink in the past which I didn’t actually know about until I confided in her. But I knew those two would not judge me. Would not question me as to why I put up with it for so long. Would not try influence me or would not just sit there giving out about my husband. They listened. They understood and they supported me.

My best friend of 30 years doesn’t know the extent of it all because I know due to her fierce loyalty to me, she’d have been dragging me out of the house and going hammer and tongs for my husband!! And that’s not what I needed. I needed quiet support. I needed space and time and no judgement to come to my own decisions in my own time.

I hope your Al-Anon group is a good one. I know not everybody finds one that suits them. Mine saved me. It changed my life. And I am forever grateful to every person in that room.

Moragle

Thanks bboc went tonight and I definitely did feel better for going. Every story had its similarities to mine. No judgement just a safe place to talk. I'm really glad I went. Most people are still with their alcoholic partners out of fear of something happening to them which obviously I understand.

But one thing that really resonated with me tonight was the fact that when I'm called on to ring the ambulance, Dr etc because they can't, they've no problem ringing for a taxi to a pub! So true.

I didn't cry but I did drive home feeling a bit freer because I'm doing something just for my good.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm so happy for you. Fair play for not crying - That took me a couple of attempts!!

You will hear so many stories that reflect yours. I remember one night a woman was talking about all the things her husband had said to her that week. The arguments they'd had. The justification he'd given. I was laughing and told her that maybe we needed to swap photos of our husbands because I thought my husband was living a double life also married to her. Word for word what her husband said was everything my husband said too!

There's an age mix in my group. From 30s-80s. Wives, parents and siblings mostly. Some still with partners. Some separated, widowed. Some parents with adult children at home etc.

But every story is so familiar. I am genuinely happy for you. It will change your life. Take care of yourself.

Sephiroth_dude

I have no advice for you op just to say that I really feel for you, my mam and me are in a similar position but with my brother, we had a torrid time with him and his drinking when he lived here with us, constantly baby sitting him, thankfully he doesn't live here anymore although he may as well as he's here so often, he's out of rehab since May and is drinking heavily again, just can't stop, my mam can't stop worrying about him, it bloody awful to see her this way and the stress its causing her, all you can do is mind yourself and keep going to those al anon meetings and find support from someone.

Moragle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795404#Comment_117795404

I hope you are going to Al anon or some sort of counselling you need to take care of yourself. My heart goes out to.

Bboc there was a man whose first meeting it was also and his wife is my husband! It's a great relief to know you aren't alone

houseyhouse

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I'm so glad you've started counselling and al-anon. I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago. The constant fear when he was off the drink that it would start again, the lies, the lack of trust, hiding it from others, the arguments, the begging, the crying, the broken promises. It was exhausting. I felt so trapped. I believed it was my duty to 'fix' him. It was so so hard and I can't imagine having a father in law enabling him to that extent too. My own mental health was in tatters - I found myself thinking about driving into a tree when I was in the car on my own. But eventually I got to the point you're at, where I just knew I had to leave. I distinctly remember the moment I decided that I was going to have to put myself first. I really think that's the hardest part. It turned out he was depressed and dealing with a lot of anxiety too, though he hadn't known it.

At the time I remember reading online about a woman in a similar situation and there was a comment from yet another woman who'd been in the same place before and it just said: 'You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep another person warm'. I wrote that on a piece of paper and carried it in my bag. I brought it with me when we started couples counselling. We both did our own separate counselling too. I can't recommend counselling enough.

Good luck

Big Bag of Chips

It is a relief Moragle when you find out that you're not alone. That's so true. It's also a little bit upsetting! When I heard that woman repeating word for word what I'd heard it just made me sad. It's a very very lonely place to be. Because for too long we hide it. We don't let people know. We keep the secret. We pretend. That woman got really upset saying that their families didn't really support her. Tried telling her he wasn't that bad etc. But then I pointed out to her that to them, he wasn't that bad. Because she'd hidden it so well for so long. They simply had no idea what she was actually dealing with.

I walked out last year and left my husband for a week. I went back on the condition that he never drinks again. His family don't know I left. His a family don't that's the reason he doesn't drink anymore. He's off the road for 2 years for drink driving.. His family don't know. A handful of my friends know I left. The same handful know he's off the road. We hide so much and carry this alone.

It's a relief when we hear others, but it's also hard to hear others are living the same crappy life. Crying. Hiding. Pretending.

I love that you sound so strong, Moragle. You'll be OK. But, the tears might still come. I cried at first. Couldn't string a sentence together and then I got through 3 or 4 months feeling great. And 1 night, for no particular reason, I just broke down again. Things weren't any worse at home. They were actually kind of ok (this was when he was still drinking but wasn't being awful). But I just broke down. I couldn't explain it. One of the women told me she was glad to see me breaking down. She said she thought I was "too good" for a while. That I was still pretending. Still holding it together and eventually, inevitably, I crumbled under the pressure of it. And of course, she was right.

My Al-Anon group closed down when Covid hit and even though my husband hasn't drank since last May, I missed the group. Terribly. I think it is a group I will always be a part of. Even if my husband stays sober for the next 40 years!

Moragle

Just checking in again and thank you for all your comments, I read them to make me feel strong and they help.

My husband was taken to hospital tonight for a dry out. And it's shite but it's not my problem. The ambulance and guards were there, the neighbours have gossip for years!

But I don't care. I obviously care about him but I don't care about the neighbours and the gossip.

He can walk home from hospital for all I care, I have Al anon on Sunday counselling tomorrow. I'm putting ME first.

Thanks again for all your lovely replies

Redjacketboy

Deleted cos I asked questions

Big Bag of Chips

Redjacketboy, asking for updates is not allowed in Personal Issues. Posters are not obliged to post updates.

Redjacketboy

Sorry about that. I was just concerned about her. I won't do it again

Moragle

I just wanted to leave a little update. My husband passed away after an alcohol related accident a few weeks ago. I'm devastated. But I'm also relieved cus I knew he was going to die. I can sleep now without worrying. My heart is broken but I couldn't do anymore

Big Bag of Chips

@Moragle I am so sorry to hear that. It is going to be a very difficult time for you. The mixed emotions. He was still your husband after all.

My brother in law died 2 years ago due to drink and drug addiction. His wife had left him 6 years before bringing 2 very small children with her.

He had caused her nothing but heartbreak. He had been physically abusive when they were together,and he was verbally and emotionally abusive when he could no longer physically abuse her. She had an awful life with him.

When he died she was devastated. Totally devastated. She toyed with the idea that she somehow should have done more for him. That somehow if she had done something different that he would never have gotten so bad. Of course that's not true, and it's not how addiction works. But it doesn't stop the feelings invading.

Take care of yourself now. It will hit you at times when you think you're doing OK. Have you been going to Al-Anon?

Caranica

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118548971#Comment_118548971

Mind yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

So sorry to read this Moragle. Look after yourself x

NiceFella

I'm so sorry for your loss Moragle. If I could give you a hug I would. I'm sure it is not an easy time right now. I hope you can grieve your husband and come out of it with more understanding and comfort in time.

Make sure you take time for yourself to do things you enjoy. Take care x

Xander10

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118548971#Comment_118548971

It's clear to all how much you cared and tried. Mind your self and find the strength to move on and find some happiness in your life

@Moragle

I am so sorry for your loss @Moragle.

Please be kind to yourself.

xzanti

So very sorry for your troubles Moragle. Sounds like a painful journey for you. May your husband rest in peace. Mind yourself.

HildaOgdenx

I am so sorry for your loss.

Mind yourself.

wildwillow

So sorry for your loss. Do not bear any blame for his death, you did your best. Think of it as he has been spared another length of time in a horrible life. I hope you have friends who will come to your aid now. I suspect many may have dropped off over the years.

Reach out to people and make a new life for yourself. You will always mourn your husband, and the life you thought you would have with him.

Regrets are pointless and, in your case, baseless.

Life will get better.

houseyhouse

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can imagine it’s a complex and confusing mix of emotions. I hope you can show yourself the same empathy and grace you showed your husband. I wish you every peace and happiness.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118550185#Comment_118550185

I couldn't find the right words but I echo the above by houseyhouse. You can actually feel your pain from reading your story 😥

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118548971#Comment_118548971

It's a blessing, you are free now to plan new chapters, you deserve the chance for happiness and this is an opportunity for a new start

JupiterKid

Very sorry to hear of your husband’s passing, Moragle.

Be sure to take as much time to process your grieving and know that you did everything you could for him but sadly in the end the addiction took his life. He is at peace now.

I am a recovering alcoholic myself, three years fully sober and every couple of months I hear on the grapevine of yet another person I knew in my multiple rehabs or AA groups who have died. What we don’t hear so much of is how their partners, family and friends had to deal with the chaos, the lying, the abuse and the pure sadness of living with alcoholism.

I am grateful for each day in my recovery.