Problems in relationship

anon_user12345

Hi,

Im currently in a relationship that started about 8 months prior to covid. Things were going very well before Covid. We got on great and for the first 6 months of covid/lockdown and I was excited about the future of our relationship.

Fast-forward to now and we have moved in together and like everyone we've been through lockdown and work stress at home. We've been very lucky throughout covid but it has still taken a big toll on the relationship.

It was difficult and there were times when things were pretty toxic. Having said that she had a lot of family issues and was obviously very affected by them so I supported her as much as I could until her family issues were sorted. Things got better in the new year and she seemed to go back to her usual self. The issue now is that I just don't feel how I used to. We're settled in a relationship but I don't think I love her anymore. We're also considering buying a house (planned pre covid but the opportunity has just arisen) and this has been the catalyst for this post.

TBH I don't really know what to do. I don't feel the same way I did but I'm wondering if this is just a temporary feeling I get at a point in a relationship, then made worse by covid, and we just need to work on it. I also think we have just spent too much time together as our social lives are the exact same as she has a small network here and we have been working from the same house. I'm thinking things would get better if we each just did our own thing a bit more.

I don't think she'd handle it well if I ended things and she doesn't have a big support network in this country. It upsets me a lot to think of putting her through a breakup and ending our future plans.

We argue a lot over minor things. It's generally not a big deal as the issues are pretty trivial but the result is that I don't enjoy being around her as much anymore. I find almost everything I say leads to some kind of argument. She is quite confrontational so she has always been argumentative but it has gotten much worse over the last year.

I wonder could we go back but I just have so many negative memories over the last year due to lockdown and arguments over nothing. This makes me feel like things could get better when we get back to normal life and enjoy ourselves more.

I would appreciate people's views.

Thanks

Passenger

You appear to know deep down it's over by the way you describe your relationship. You seem to be more worried about upsetting her than anything. Follow your gut and end it.

Citrus_8

Well, I would try to talk and express the concerns about the often arguments and how your opinion is being perceived by her. See if she's willing to understand and reconnect or again will try to defend herself and be contradicting. That will help to clear the sky and it won't take a long for you to realise what way you want to go to.

virginmediapls

You just said you don't love her. What do you think you should do?

That's right, buy a house and move in together !! Maybe you could consider having a few kids too - that always resolves everything.

You know what to do.

Ceolaguscraic

Hi OP,

I'd disagree with Passenger's opinion. I would definitely not think it's over. Even though arguments have happened in the past you seem hopeful for your future together.

It sounds like your relationship has been put through serious trials and tribulations from early on. Moving in with someone new requires a lot of adjustment and will no doubt cause friction. So it's normal you've had arguments. Add covid in and not much opportunity for getting out and socialising and you both probably have been under strain!

I like that you're already thinking of ideas for helping the relationship get better i.e. having your own separate social activities. I think that's a brilliant idea and will give you both a bit of breathing space.

I'd definitely hold your horses on any plans for buying a property together, that sounds like a recipe for disaster and I get the feeling you probably know this yourself as you come across as a perceptive individual.

Final thing, chat with your OH about why you're getting into these arguments over small things and see if there's a way you can work together to resolve them.

Best of luck.

TheadoreT

Yeah regardless of how good the relationship is I think 2ish years together is far too soon to be committing to a joint mortgage.

Have you spent much time apart to see if you miss her much when she's gone? If it's genuinely been 24/7 cooked up with each other it may be difficult to find perspective. Would you consider a week or two away alone or with mates? If by the end of that you're still feeling cold towards her its probably a sign it's over but you may find you miss her like crazy. It's better to test these things while still in a relationship than to end it and realise you miss her a few weeks later.

Citrus_8

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117778225#Comment_117778225

I disagree. Love is easy to confuse with a temporary hate or other negative feelings due to disagreement. These things happen as an emotional connection suffers. I think it would be immature to leave everything and run away so simply. Life isn't so easy, relationship is a commitment. To make sure OP really doesn't love and doesn't want to be with her, needs to put an effort to make sure this is really what's right for both. You can't play with other person's feelings so easily. I wouldn't give up so quickly - I'd rather make sure the feeling which he's feeling what he describes "don't love" is really what he thinks it is.

It could be that they both are just tired of each other (happens, but it doesn't suggest the end of love or relationship). I'd suggest to live apart for some time (at least(!) 1 month) to see how that would change things. And even if things would get better, to keep living apart additional at least 1 month just to make sure moving back in is the right choice.

Even though, marriage and living together is more of a traditional (and economical) choice. Just because other do that, doesn't mean it's the best for yourselves. Maybe you could be a good couple living separately (some modern couples do that, and if they have kids).

Dial Hard

If you've genuinely fallen out of love with her, you need to end it. You can't stay in a relationship with someone you don't love just because you "don't think she'd handle it well".

Having said that, familiarity does breed contempt and it may be the case that you've just been spending too much time together. Only you really know the answer to that one, but maybe you need a bit of time and space to be sure. Could you move home to family for a couple of weeks to allow you a little breathing room? Mind you, that won't fix the fact that a) she has no social network and b) her communication style seems to leave a lot to be desired. So if you do move out for a while, make sure there's a plan in place so that if you do move back, you're not just straight back to square one.

qwerty13

You were together for 8 months pre COVID, and had planned within that time to buy a house together? That seems very soon. Any particular reason for that?

It sounds like you’ve been living together for about a year. I think you’ve given it a fair chance, albeit over lockdown times. I’d say try to have a good chat with her about how things are going, and perhaps give it a few more months as restrictions ease up, just to give things a really fair chance. There’s absolutely no way I’d rush into buying a house though. None!

YellowLead

You said you wonder if this is a temporary feeling that you get in a relationship - is this your first relationship or have you experience to draw from?

Reading your post, it doesn’t bode well. It sounds like you are just not excited/invested anymore.

I hate to say this - but did you rush into this for any particular reason? Living together and planning on buying a house all in quick succession.

What does your gut tell you? Do you want to make this work? Don’t stay because you don’t want to hurt her feelings. She’ll be fine in the grand scheme of things.

Rubberchikken

I'd advice talking with her but based on your description of her reaction to issues I don't know if that'll get you anywhere.

Still it's worth a shot if you think so.

I'd definitely put the house purchase on hold. It's not something to get into with someone you may not want to be with long term.

Only you can decide if you want this relationship to continue.

If you don't love her then letting her know that is your responsibility.

How she reacts to that is hers.

Good luck

qwerty13

OP, did you post before about your partner completely overreacting to colleagues and service providers who she wasn’t happy with? And regularly (badly) losing her temper? If that was you, then I think the relationship is dead - and I can understand why! No one should have to tolerate that behaviour.

CBCTer

If you don't love her, leave her before you buy a house and have kids. I was in this situation except I was her. Husband after 25 years together decided he did not love me anymore and have been feeling that way for past 10 years of our relationship and instead of doing something of course said nothing to me, at that time we only had two kids, when he left we had three. How can you have a third child with someone you don't love?

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117779860#Comment_117779860

+1 to this.

It sounds like a lot of hard work, this relationship, tbh. And I definitely would not be rushing into buying a house.

Perhaps some time apart would help both of you to see things more clearly.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117809178#Comment_117809178

It's difficult for men calling it quits in a marriage, you are volunteering for poverty to some degree relative to before

Nozebleed

walk...find yourself the one.

CBCTer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117812174#Comment_117812174

Not in his case. Our separation did not put him in financial difficulties at all and it will have been the same 10 years ago.

Fol20

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117839115#Comment_117839115

i suppose another way to ask you is who left the family home and who also has less access to the children after the breakup?

For the most part,men fair a lot worse in the above aspect and only get visitation on the weekend and let the wife stay in the family home while they go out renting etc again.

Tork

This is turning into a discussion though, with the OP nowhere to be seen.

CBCTer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117842153#Comment_117842153

He left the family home, only saw the kids one weekend every two weeks and one night a week. I had offered him shared custody 50 - 50 but he refused, he only agreed to take the kids for 2 weeks holiday a year, not more. He has less acces because of his own choice.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Given the thread is sliding into general discussion on marriage break up and the OP hasn't been back there's little point steering it back to giving them advice as things stand.

So I'm going to close the thread here. OP if you're still reading and wish the thread to be reopened for further advice, just PM one of the Mod Team and we'll reopen for you.

Thanks folks

HS