Signs you are ready to date again

Smiley283

I (27f) recently (just over 1 month ago) ended my 4 year relationship due to the fact that my boyfriend (32m) and I wanted to go down different paths in life and I just could not see a future as I felt like the relationship was built on supporting his needs and desires and I wasn't afforded the same priority in his life. It was sad and emotionally difficult for both of us. I have moved back in with my parents and my ex and I agreed that although we parted on good terms we need to have zero contact with one another until we firmly believe we have both moved on in order to heal.

I honestly feel lost. I'm not angry or sad about the breakup and I genuinely do wish my ex the very best that life has to offer him. Before I attempt to start dating anyone I want to take my time and reconnect with myself. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore because so much of my identity was tied to my ex in how I spent my free time etc. What advice could you give me in how I attempt to reconnect with myself to bring out the best version of myself?

Are there any blogs, youtubers or books out there that you would recommend to help someone who finds themselves feeling a bit lost in life after a breakup?

Also, although meeting someone new is not a priority right now for me right now I am just wondering do you have any advice for me for when I start over? I feel so clueless! I was always rubbish when it came to dating because I lacked confidence when I was younger and my ex was actually a friend for years before we got together so dating was very easy to navigate back then between us! I amn't reeling over the break up so I amn't interested in having a rebound relationship or anything to that effect and I don't feel like I have a gaping void in my life that needs to be filled by another person.

I sincerely appreciate any constructive advice that anyone can offer me.

YellowLead

I think when it comes to enjoying yourself and really being comfortable as your own person rather than part of a couple - it involves making decisions on your own. It can be little decisions - like what to eat for dinner, what series to watch next, to what colour to paint the bathroom, what class to take, where to fly first post COVID. Or bigger ones like where to live. Spending time with friends family AND just yourself. Enjoying that freedom. If you have something you’ve always wanted to do like a wine tasting course or taking up painting even better. Volunteering can make you feel good and open up pathways to new friends.

I wouldn’t worry about dating advice until the time comes. But when it does the best advice is be yourself and don’t try and fit yourself into anyone else’s life just for the sake of it and vice versa. You won’t find somebody ASAP - you’ll have nice dates and crap dates so don’t put yourself under pressure.

bitofabind

Hi OP. Sorry about the breakup. They are always hard, even when you've made an informed decision to end the relationship. Walking away from someone you love is never easy.

There's no "right" way to heal from heartache. Although you'll read a lot of toxic advice online and from well-intentioned friends about the "best" way to move on. My advice would be to be as kind to yourself as you would a close friend. Be patient with the uncomfortable feelings and don't try to distract from them. IME, I had to cry and wallow and disintegrate for a while before I could get to the next stage of my life, those feelings just had to be felt. It's confusing to feel grief and heartache when you've instigated a change like this, but it's also very human and normal. So cut yourself a break for these next few months and don't try to skip to the "getting my life in order" and "dating again" piece. The best thing I've done for myself as an adult is getting comfortable and happy on my own. Not listening to the outside noise about needing to settling down by an arbitrary age, "no good men left", having to settle for X, Y and Z for the sake of being in a relationship, etc. Learning to listen to my gut and to trust myself more than anyone else around me.

Some podcasts that really helped me: This American Life - Break Up, Dear Sugars - The Deal Killer, and Christine Hessler's Over it and On with it. I also had a heartbreak playlist that really provoked the deepest emotions in me, I knew when I was able to listen to those songs and smile instead of cry that I was really healed :-) Other things: walking in nature, confiding in my closest friends, and the biggest one was counselling. That really helped me to get to the root of patterns I'd developed and to clarify what my needs were and to understand what a healthy relationship (with myself and with others) looks like.

Best of luck OP. This is so hard, but we can do hard things. The picture on the other side is one of greater wisdom, self-understanding and resilience.

Fol20

I would echo what the above posters said and sorry for your breakup.

There is no getting around it but the first few months were very tough. You can loose your identity when in a relationship, your future plans with your partner are now gone and you might think what do i do next. All i will say is let yourself feel those emotions. It wont be an instant fix but over time as long as you acknowledge your emotions and dont let them fester, things will improve.

Make sure you have some close friends you can talk to. Im usually a person that likes to keep things tight to my chest but during this time, 2/3 friends got me through it. They opened up a bit about their previous breakups and made it feel so relatable to me and were there to listen. They all gave their own recommendations of what worked and didnt work for them and i just put it all together to decide what would work best for me. Only do whatever you feel ready to do.Some people told me to get back out there straight away while others told me it could take years while for me, it took me about 1 year before i was ready again. Its all personal and dont set a time limit on it. You will know yourself when you are ready. People will say be happy on your own and in your own solitude and i agree to a point as well but do not isolate yourself. You need to get things off your chest, talk to your friends and family and you might be pleasantly surprised.

Get to know yourself - My identity was intertwined with my ex and i still kept saying we instead of I. All my memories were of us rather that of me. Take time out to to do activities that your partner never wanted to do but you always wanted to try out. Watching movies (particularly comedy movies) that you have always wanted to watch. Do some self discovery to better understand yourself, your own thoughts, who you are as a person and what you are looking for to be happy with yourself and what you want as a partner. What i found great during the initial breakup was going for long walks in nature and listening to podcasts about breakups and how to deal with them etc.

I spent countless hours listening to youtube vids and podcasts around breakups, dealing with breakups, attachment styles, how to be a better partner, what did i do wrong etc. Some may call it stupid but for me, it really helped me understand the dynamic of my previous relationship, why it didnt work and what i want out of a relationship, who i am as a person in a relationship and areas i need to improve on. It gave me some perspective that my life wasnt over and is the beginning of a new better chapter in life.Here are two channels that could be useful to you. i had several more but i have unsubscribed from them and can no longer find them for you :(

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23ePqRkOKtg&t=92s&ab_channel=Psych2Go

Make a list - Make a listen of what you liked about the relationship and what you didnt like. You dont need to share this with anyone but yourself but as time fades, you may forget about certain things and every so often, i go back to this list to reinforce why it wasnt meant to be. I also used this list to highlight some of my own weakness as lets be honest a relationship takes two to tango and both people arent perfect. I used this then to me mindful when im in my current relationship to try not to repeat my own issues again.

Exercise - now is a great time to start exercising and eating healthier. Its a good painkiller to alleviate the emotions. Keeps your body and soul active and distracted. For me i, i had gained some weight during my relationship so my confidence was low so was a great way for me to get my confidence back, feel better about the hard work i put in and potentially put your best self forward for whenever you do start dating again. Im normally fairly lazy to setup a workout plan myself so i used the following channels to guide me through workouts:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVQJZE_on7It_pEv6tn-jdA

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOpsZxrmeDARilha1uq4slA

Keep yourself busy - at the beginning, i really struggled with the silence of sleeping on your own and doing most stuff on your own. Keep yourself active by making a list of say doing daily chores and ticking them off as you do them to have some self of achievement. going for walks, hanging out with friends, pursuing new hobbies and interests etc. Especially at the beginning do your best to keep active and not get into a slump as when i was at home, doing nothing was when my mind went to places i didnt want it to go. During the beginning i always had music playing in the background to not feel as alone and as time went, you just get used to being single and now im comfortable in my own headspace.

Dont rush into things - When i first broke up my mind wasnt in a good headspace, and my decision making was not great. You will only attract people as good as you are at that point in time so its better that you are happy, engaged and your mind is in a good space so you will also attract similar likeminded people - im probably explaining that wrong but the last thing you want is to date someone with obvious red flags where you dont catch them because your not in the right headspace.

Its not going to be easy but you will get through this. its character building and you have a brand new chapter with loads of new interesting people and stories ahead of you. Onwards and upwards as they say and i wish you all the best.

FFVII

Easy for girls to meet someone else. Go and get some other guy to bang the ex out of ya. Feeling of loss will disappear very quick then.

heretothere

I would say just do the things you want to do. I had a boyfriend for around 4 years in my early 20s after we split I just did what ever I wanted to do! Felt like going somewhere, I went. Felt like xyz for dinner, I had it. He was a nice guy and I broke it off as we wanted different things also but I did realise we ALWAYS did what he wanted. Like you and your ex it was all about his needs etc.

I can't suggest any blogs/ online advice, I really just went with how I felt at the time. Granted, I was younger 23, and went backpacking which I know isn't a possibility right now but still just let yourself be guided by exactly what you want to do. It's the only way to "find" (cringe).

With regards dating, I don't have any solid advice their either. I had 100% decided I would be single for at least a year, but about 6 months after the break-up I did meet my now husband, although it was about 6 months later we actually got together as I fecked off to S.E. Asia/ other places and he was still in Oz. So don't be closed off to the idea of meeting someone it might just happen. I did have a few other dates in that time, none were very successful, I left one after 20mins! But it was fun to go out and meet very different guys to what I was used to with my ex.

Cutting contact was a very good idea. With my ex we didn't for the first few weeks, and it made things way harder! Even though it was what we both wanted.