Mediation about to start any advice.

older i get better i was

Hi our first mediation session is very soon and I'm probably not as organised as I should be. I know my ex will have all her ducks in a row etc as she's very methodical. I have an idea in my head what I'd settle for which I'd see as fair but not sure how to get to it. Should I request more than that and expect a negotiation or be up front with mediator and say early what I think is fair. In life I wouldn't class myself as a good negotiater so am apprehensive as to what might happen.

dubal

First session is purely administrative. Checking you both want to be there etc

I'd have a position on what I would like, but be open and listen and no point in sharing it so early

older i get better i was

Got hit with a maintenance request by mediator, wasn't expecting that, didn't feel mediator looked at my side of equation at all.

dubal

Spousal or child maintenance.?

Did this come from your partner or mediator?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117722506#Comment_117722506

That's good advice, 1st session ( the 'opening salvo' if you like) will be a testing of the waters..... basically to see if mediation has any possibility of success. Any mediator worth their salt will suss out in first session whether either party has totally unrealistic expectations. Obviously, there's a LOT of variables.....lenght of marriage, children, positive v negative equity , assets, incomes ,pensions, cars etc. As OP correctly states the ex will be totally "on top" of game & will have all ducks lined up neatly & will, more likely that not, be 'coached' prior to session. Realistically, the stakes could not be higher & if the OP feels they're not the best negotiator in World I would suggest they need quality advice/ prep immediately. A lot of mediations never get off the ground ( back to court & more €€€) but NO one wants to spend rest of their life regretting the ' why didnt i look for that/ I never thought of that' scenarios. PREPERATION is vital, have realistic expectations & the very best of luck.

SVI40

As has been mentioned, preparation is the key. Have EVERYTHING prepared. Try to think of anything the other party may say and look for, and have your answer ready.

RIRI

I'm in the middle of mediation at the moment OP and would echo what other posters have said. Preparation is key to the process. Also if you commit to doing something (like say investigating house prices in your area) ensure you do it in the agreed timeframe.

I had posted previously about my experience, my ex is entirely uncoorperative & I had felt the mediator was tolerating this behaviour which was very frustrating. I now see she has the measure of my ex, largely due to a failure to follow through on agreed actions.

In short I don't see the process working for us due to my ex's obstructive and generally contrary nature, that said I can hold my head high knowing that I tried will all my heart to resolve things without the courts involvement. I came to each session prepared organised and ready to engage, which I hope will be reflected in the mediator's summing up & considered by the courts when the time comes.

Best of luck OP

older i get better i was

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117783520#Comment_117783520

Spousal

manonboard

Whatever you do OP, Before each session, and after each session. Study and prepare how you feel. You dont need to treat it like a war if you can trust that you will hold your boundaries calmly and with fairness. If you find things starting going unfair, bring it up and be honest that you feel its going that way and you wont follow through with agreements unless you feel its fair. Dont let things like the idea of pressure or retaliation get to you. Just be fair, be strong on your boundaries, listen to both sides, and if you feel you are emotionally reacting, take more time and come back to things.

1874

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117785564#Comment_117785564

Head held high? does that have any bearing in court if you are a man? by the sounds of a few replies it doesnt sound like mediation is even unbiased in some cases. My ex-parner so believes in her own version of things, she spouts it like it is the truth, despite that I dont think she'd try to take my house, but Id be afraid to go near a court because I naively thought if two adults did come to an agreement prior to formalising things that the courts could just rubber stamp it, from what I read later, it appears a judge could just overrule even that, and I could lose a property I bought before I met her, that is in my name and that she never (wouldnt) pay anything towards.

2lazytogetup

are you expected to turn up with budgets and specific amounts of wish to pay for 1st session?

im guessing that you and the ex agree cost of kids and you split the remainder or at least obtain an element of fairness? Im having difficulty figuring out how assets/maintenance are decided. i suppose its up to the parties to agree, but if one person thinks the court would give them a better deal, i expect mediation takes account of that.

In terms of preparation for mediation, could somebody specify the sort of things this entails?

Second, is there some expert in the area one could pay to help them prepare?

Third, while I'd think 50:50 split of childcare and sell the house for each of us to buy own own places is fair, for tactical reasons should I seek to be the primary carer of the children? (God, I hate these stupid games.)

RIRI

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118589986#Comment_118589986

In terms of preparation there's not a whole lot to do & I am not aware of any "coaching" available. Have an idea of what you want and what you are willing to conceed but the point of mediation is to agree how everyone will be provided for when you separate. Personally I wouldn't go into it with any tactics, mediators are trained to see through those behaviours. Just be ready to engage at each session, keep an open mind and follow through on any actions you agree in the sessions.

Best of luck

VintageJelly

Question about mediation- what does the mediator mean when he/she says that the next meeting is about “future partners” and how that’ll be written into our separation agreement. I don’t understand. Anyone that’s been through it can you shed some light on it?

dubal

Rules about introducing new partners to children.

Things like, how long before you introduce, do you notify your ex etc