Marriage Falling Apart

Gerryhide

Hi folks,

Im male, 43 married 11 years with 1 child. My wife and i have been together for 18 years in total and our son is 4.

Right now I am very unhappy, our life together has had its fair share of ups and downs. Thing is we have never fought physically or verbally, it seems to be all mentally. When we got together all those years ago, everything was going great, we both came from unhappy homes with our fathers, mine was an alcoholic and hers was incredibly distant, never there. After about 3 years together, she fell pregnant but decided on an abortion in England, I was distraught, it was something I didnt want but i felt it was her decision at the time and went along with it. We have never ever discussed it since (read flag 1), her parents are deeply religious so i always felt it was done to appease them moreso, anyway thats a different conversation. Since that point we have been together but not like superglue, I led a party lifestyle for a few years, she lived with her parents and it came to an ultimatum from her so i decided it was time to start the process of settling down. We moved in, I gave up partying, got engaged and married soon after. Our sex life has always felt strange since the abortion, certainly from me, there is/was never any love making experience instead it was always a drunken shag. She always said she didn't want kids, I always did and she then wanted to try for 1, we did and she got pregnant and we have the most amazing little boy that brings us so much joy. We havent had sex since then, its almost 4 years now and I feel myself resenting her every day. Theres no affection, no holding each other in bed, no watching tv together, holidays and activities have to be dragged out of her, so much so that its at the stage now where i plan for my son and I. I have tried and spoken about my feelings recently on 2 occasions but there has been no improvement. She looks after her appearance less and less, she doesn't shower some days and goes to bed at 8pm, shes not sleeping its just to spend 3 hours reading her phone, while i sit alone downstairs. The phone is surgically attached to her and she only shows affection when I post a photo of my son and I out somewhere in instagram and she sends a heart.... while she is sitting at the dinner table!

I could go on, Im sure my wife could go on too. I am fiercely independent, I always have been and if the warnings are there, I should start to move on now. I don't want my son to have the same horrible childhood I had with divorced parents. I am trying my best not to live like my father but it seems like a weighted bar that is falling down on me and the inevitable breakup. At the same time, its 4 years without sex.. I cant see that changing as we get older so is it going to be like this forever? tia

qwerty13

It sounds like she has completely withdrawn from you OP. Do you mind me asking if you think she could be suffering from depression?

Can I ask what ‘fiercely independent’ means in the context of your relationship? Like does that mean that you have led separate lives, does that fit in with your party years? (I’m not trying to blame you here, I’m just wondering about the independence part.)

If her home family was very distant, maybe to her how she’s behaving is ‘normal’. (Obviously very far from ideal - but it could be ‘her normal’, as in what she’s used to in family life)

Gerryhide

Thanks, yes I would definitely say she is depressed and has had mental Heath issues over her lifetime. Her relationship with her father and his treatment of her as a distant relative instead of a daughter continues to have an affect on her. When I say “fiercely independent” I mean that I have always done things for myself. Yes you are correct in that during the party days we would have almost lived separate lives, I guess I’m saying that Im independent by nature and could leave and live my own life easily… (I say that now)

Big Bag of Chips

Would you take your son with you if you leave? You would need to make provision for him wherever you move to.

You could try talk to her. Try to get her to engage. Maybe even ask her to attend counselling with you. You are together a long time and I assume loved each other at some point. You've been through a lot as a couple and I have no doubt it has taken it's toll on both of you.

Withdrawing and ignoring issues seems to be her (learnt) way of dealing with things. Have you ever tried to get her to open up? You could make an attempt with her. Let her know how bad things have gotten for you and that you are on the verge of walking away.

If she still refuses to address any issues and continues to bury her head in the sand, then I think you have very few options.

qwerty13

It seems that you do both have a strong connection about your son. Maybe you’re doing this already, but could you both have planned days out with your son? Perhaps she might feel more inclined to shower/get ready to go out if it was something to do with your child. So you could sit down with her and chat about a neutral topic, like planning a family day to the zoo, what you’ll do, where you might go to eat, take some pics, and chat about it afterwards. I’m not saying that’s going to fix things by any means, but it might be a way of reestablishing a connection, and communicating about something that isn’t going to be something that she’ll withdraw from or get defensive about

Without doubt, there’s a lot of difficulty in your relationship. It does sound to me like both of you are or have tended to withdraw from each other. I totally get that no physical connection or even affection can be a horrible place to be, but my take on it is that anything you can do to connect and communicate is the first step. I don’t mean to sound like you should ‘use’ your son for this, but he is a bond that you both have. Would she play games or watch a movie with all 3 of you there? Maybe let him pick what he’d like for dinner on a Saturday evening and ‘help’ to cook while you’re all together?

Maybe I’m being very simplistic here, but I’d be thinking that if you can increase the bonds and communication between you as a family unit, that there’s some hope that she might open up a little.

andy6

I feel so sorry for both of you. Could you both consider counselling, even separately? She cannot seem to forgive herself around the abortion and you cant either. The past will haunt you both until you decide to face it, either together or separately. It does sound like your wife is depressed, half the country is depressed after/going through this pandemic, so maybe go a bit easier on yourselves? You both need a sounding board. The worry is that your little son will pick up on the parental vibes and will not know how to treat future women/partners. Kids are like sponges. IF you decide to separate, you need some in-depth talking. Intimacy is hard in a marriage where so many things are left unsaid. I was going to recommend 'accord', but they may not be working face to face, 1 to 1, and it seems that this is what you both need. I suppose you have to ask yourself - is she worth fighting for? would you be happier without her? and does the 'in sickness and in health bit' mean the same in all scenarios. Whatever you decide, it starts with a discussion. BTW, I'm always in favour of 'open air discussion' 'cuppa coffee' as its harder to just walk away/ bang a door. Good luck to you both

I wouldn't waste any more of your time or her time trying to revive this marraige. It's already dead. Truth be told, you should have broken up 15 years ago. Its clear you've never forgiven her for the abortion.

You wrote 544 words and there was not even one, single, positive thing about your wife in all of it.

Make it a clean break.

qwerty13

I’m not sure that you’re both ready for marriage counselling just yet OP. I suspect that if you suggest that, there will be resistance / defensiveness. I do not mean rule it out - I’m just not sure that it’s the first move you should make.

From Accord website, just in case it’s not your thing:

You are very welcome to the ACCORD Catholic Marriage Care Service (ACCORD) website. The purpose of this site is to provide you with access to information and support, if you are preparing for marriage, seeking to enhance your relationship, looking for help with marriage and relationship difficulties or carrying out research or wanting to learn more about marriage and family issues.