Discussing our relationship

Hi all. I’m in a relationship with a man for the last few months, both 30. When we met, we got on well and both wanted to be together. He initiated the exclusivity and relationship. He wanted a serious relationship and so did I.

There have been a few things that have made me question the relationship between what he says Vs. His actions.

We haven’t really talked about our relationship properly. I’ve been wanting to discuss it, discuss boundaries etc and see where he’s at or what he wants or if he sees me in his long term plans. We’ve both made an effort and invested a lot in our relationship. No mention of I love yous yet.

Im not really sure how to bring the relationship up without seeming intense or clingy but I would like a bit of reassurance.

Is that normal? To want reassurance?

YellowLead

How quickly did he initiate the exclusivity and relationship status? If he has done that, why do you need reassurance - what have his actions been that have made you doubt?

id be wary of bringing up long term after only a few months, can you not just enjoy it in the moment when it’s such early days?

It seems like you both jumped in very quickly - this always has the potential to fizzle out.

Ave Sodalis

I'm a big believer in communication in a relationship OP, so I say this is something you should definitely talk about. However, it's also a very normal thing to figure out if you are both on the same page as the relationship progresses.

I don't think a big deal needs to be made of it. Even a talk over dinner, or just before you wind down for the evening so there's no pressure to answer a certain way. Having these sort of talks when in bed, or when doing something nice tends to lead to a more dishonest conversation in order not to spoil the mood (in my experience). Jumping straight to "your words and actions don't add up, what's that about?" may get his back up straight away, but phrasing it like "so, we've been together for x amount of time now, and I was wondering how it's going for you and where you see us as a couple going in the future" opens up the discussion more.

Piollaire

He's probably trying to figure out whether you love him or if you are settling because of the bio clock. Don't ask him directly, be more subtle about it. Drop into conversation about how much you'd like to have his kids some day, or how much you're looking forward to one day setting up home together. His reaction will indicate whether he is a good prospect.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117694556#Comment_117694556

Sorry, whut? The OP never even mentioned kids, you've jumped to a number of huge conclusions there in assuming that a) she wants them and b) he's secretly worried about her biological clock.

OP, ignore this and do pretty much exactly as Ave Sodalis advised.

TheadoreT

I have to say I find your type of personality very hard work in relationships.

You seem to be waiting for him to initiate everything to prove his commitment levels and you're questioning the relationship before actually just being normal and broaching conversations.

Sounds like he did a lot of the early ground work here so if anyone would be questioning things it should be him becuase you're constantly playing it cool by the sounds of things.

This wouldn't be for me and prefer someone with the confidence, braveness and maturity to be open with their feelings but I'd suggest you be a bit more forward in this regard.

Hi all.

Thank you got your replies.

Ive had bad experiences dating before hence why I’m on my guard or can be suss about him when things don’t add up. I want to say how I feel and discuss our relationship or check in but I’m worried about scaring him off or ruining things.

2 fast

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117702487#Comment_117702487

If you don't open up and communicate this is what will happen. I know it's hard but try overcome the fear it'll be worth it either way!!

Dial Hard

If having an adult discussion about where the relationship is going scares him off or ruins things, then that's an answer in itself.

Hi guys

sorry I haven’t replied lately…

im trying not to go into too much detail on here. I do feel like I put a lot of effort into our relationship and he just goes along. I’ve had enough now. The resentment has certainly built up on my part.

I want to stay together but I also feel insulted at times and like a fool. He seems oblivious to it.. I would know if someone was putting more effort into something than I was so how he can’t see it is beyond me!

i am afraid to rock the boat but I’m suffering emotionally.

I feel like I’m being taken for granted and we aren’t even together that long

ballyargus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117750069#Comment_117750069

You have your answer right there. You can't go on with that feeling, and you can say those same words to him in a non-confrontational way.

Then you'll see the colour of his money.

Hannibal_Smith

You're allowed say your piece if you have an issue with a relationship. Look what's happening all the while you're saying nothing. It hasn't stopped or gone away and only resentment is building.

You're going to end up snapping and saying something at the wrong time. Sit down together and say what you have to say. That boat will get rocked whether you say something or not.

YellowLead

It sounds like you are on different pages, if you were on the same page then a conversation won’t rock the boat.

Better to find out and move on, if a faster/more intense/committed pace is what you seek and this dude isn’t delivering.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117751009#Comment_117751009

No I’m not looking for a faster intense pace.

Just looking for equal effort and honesty.

I do love him but every so often something crops up to make me question the relationship. He says we are on this and that page but it doesn’t always translate in his actions.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117751030#Comment_117751030

I hear you. But you said it’s only been a few months? For a lot of people that can be soon to be deciding it’s love and wanting to lock things down. Some people would still be in the deciding stage.

People can meet and both state they are looking for long term, but that doesn’t mean they know it will be with each other yet.

But I would hope that if he has declared he is on the same page as you that things work out. Especially as he initiated the exclusivity.

What kind of actions are we talking about, what’s not matching up to his words?

TheadoreT

I think you'd be doing this guy a favour to leave him. You want him to be a mind reader and understand all your feelings without ever communicating them to him.

Some people can be very intuitive to these matters and others can be absolutely oblivious. And some can be intuitive but find your attitude princessy so won't entertain you. And besides you haven't even been able to articulate to us exactly what he's doing wrong, you say in initial post that he invested a lot and now you're saying he just goes along.

You seem the type that needs very regular reassurance while never giving your partner any. Maybe you can find someone who'll do that but I don't think its this guy.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Thread closed as per OP's request.

Thanks to those who offered advice.

HS