Am I in the wrong?

Lisn

So I've been with my bf a year and a half. Due to covid he hasn't had much contact with my friends, but everything with him seemed to be going great.

We had plans with my friends who came to the city to see me. He had met some of them before but for one of them it would be their first meeting.

Obviously it's difficult to get a table in Dublin right now, but my friends asked if we could try another pub, this was after spending some time at the first.

We ended up not being able to get anywhere for all of us, there were only tables for 2. My bf complained the entire walk in my ear, and called my friends dumb. I suggested that we just enjoy meeting my friends and having a little walk around and get a takeaway. He took me aside and complains the entire time, and said how much I ruined his night because I should have anticipated that he wouldn't enjoy this. (this is the main part of the argument).

I held everything together in front of my friends so they didn't know what was going on. But it also meant I didn't even enjoy seeing them, I was too busy holding up both sides.

I decided the 2 of us should go home (much to my friends dissapointment). When at home he proceeds to argue that I chose my friends over him and that I 'should have stood up to them' somehow. He also gets mad about the way we get home, we got a cab, he wanted to get a cab, but apparently 1 year ago I said I normally take the bus and he brings this up as part of the reason he's upset.

When we argue he sits there with his hand raised any time that I speak. He claims he's being respectful and waiting his turn to talk, but to me it feels like he ignores what I say when he does this and only wants to hear himself speak. (I've said this to him many times). He then claims that evertime we argue he apologises so he doesn't want to do that anymore. But he says this every time! (we only argue when he is too drunk, so we have had like 4 arguments) And he has not ever apologised first so I don't know where this comes from.

Am I in the wrong? Should I be considering his feelings in these situations in my life. Including changing the location of being with my friends, even if everyone else wants to leave. Because I don't feel that that is fair. I feel like it is a huge weight on me. I could be wrong maybe I'm supposed to put his feelings in the forefront but it feels like way too much, I feel he should just be responsible for himself, and try to be open to new experiences. Or maybe just explain to the group what he wants to do. But if I am wrong please let me know.

Big Bag of Chips

Knowing that it is very difficult to get a table anywhere these days just by walking up it does seem a bit silly to have left somewhere where you were seated and being served in the hope of getting in somewhere else. Especially a group. So in that sense I agree with your bf. That then set him off for the night of being pissed off so that everything annoyed him.

In saying that, how he deals with conflict in general is a bad sign for your relationship. It seems like he's never wrong. He doesn't respect your opinion or views and he will never compromise. And if he does he will make the experience unpleasant enough to make sure you won't suggest that compromise again.

You know him best. You know how he makes you feel. But the one thing I always say in situations like this is: his feelings, his needs, his wants aren't more important than yours. Compromise is needed in every relationship. But the compromise has to be two-way. It can't always be coming from the same person.

Your bf is demonstrating selfish, spoilt tendencies. And from experience, I can say that doesn't tend to change too easily.

Think very carefully about the kind of relationship you'd like to have. And then think is that the kind of relationship you have right now. Because what you have now is as good as it's going to get. He is who he is. He might have loads of good points, but it's OK to admit that something isn't working for you.

You are an adult, entitled to make your own decisions and not to be belittled or chastised for it. He's not your dad. He's supposed to be your partner/equal.

YellowLead

It was your night with your friends - he should have sucked up his annoyance at the moving around after maybe saying something once - and went ahead with the rest of the night with a smile on his face for your sake, or went home by himself. Him berating you when you got home saying you had ruined his night was childish and bullying.

Is this behaviour completely out of the blue?

Liam32123

You're not wrong. Relationship does not have to be like living in a cage. Friendship is a fundamental part of life. He should learn to respect you

HildaOgdenx

When we argue he sits there with his hand raised any time that I speak. He claims he's being respectful and waiting his turn to talk, but to me it feels like he ignores what I say when he does this and only wants to hear himself speak.

Sounds like something my primary school principal of many moons ago would have done, to silence the class. Also sounds like a behaviour he saw modelled somewhere, possibly growing up. Would he do that to a colleague or his boss, in a meeting, I wonder?

You are an adult, entitled to make your own decisions and not to be belittled or chastised for it. He's not your dad. He's supposed to be your partner/equal.

Just to echo what BB said above. Relationships are about compromise. It was just an evening out, not your friends moving in to live permanently with the two of you.

The situation with your friends really needs to be talked out calmly, with no hands in the air.

I would consider his behaviour very rude, tbh, and if he can't see that, that is something you have to decide - whether or not this relationship is going anywhere.

bigmac3

This guy sounds like a horrible individual. He has more going on with him than a night out, not going to plan.

Tork

From what you've told us, I don't like the sound of your boyfriend at all. It's always helpful to pay attention to how somebody behaves when things aren't going swimmingly. The last year and a half has been a weird time for all of us and it may have stopped you from seeing other aspects of his character. While I can understand why he was annoyed at losing that pub table, I'm more concerned at him continuing to sulk, calling your friends dumb and accusing you of choosing them over him. That's something you should keep an eye on - will he make you feel guilty just because you want to meet your friends rather than spend time with him?

"When we argue he sits there with his hand raised any time that I speak. He claims he's being respectful and waiting his turn to talk, but to me it feels like he ignores what I say when he does this and only wants to hear himself speak"

This made me bristle when I read it and I don't believe his reasons for doing it. It feeds into the general vibe I'm picking up from your post - that he's a bit of a bully and you've taken to appeasing him. You've mentioned having a weight on your shoulders. Might it be your gut screaming at you that this isn't the right relationship for you?

He'd every right to quietly mention to you it was a dumb move to leave when you had a spot. But that should have been that and he moved with the flow after that. Getting into a strop like that is immature.

Aside: Why is there always some idiot in a group who does this, when everyone is comfortable and sitting, someone decides for absolutely no good reason to just go somewhere else.

NSAman

Dump him… he will only get worse!

twowheelsonly

I'd agree with him being cranky over moving pubs and it was a dumb move but.....

Four arguments in a year and a half ?

Most of that spent in lockdown when most people didn't get 'very drunk' very often.

I'm sure he must have redeeming features or you wouldn't be with him this long but IMO it's only going one way unfortunately.

He is 100% in the wrong. Your friends came to the city to see you - that makes them the guests. If your boyfriend had any generosity in him at all, he would have tried to make the best out of what your friends wanted to do, and tried to show them a good time. If he knew moving pubs would be a disaster, he could have taken the initiative before you left and tried calling round for a table. Instead he let it happen and then threw a strop.

If he had other stuff going on emotionally that day, and was truly struggling to put a brave face on, he could have excused himself and gone home. It's exactly like you put it yourself OP, he should be responsible for himself.

Is it safe to invite him to social events in future if he's going to act like that? There are plenty of events in our lives where we want our partners with us even though we know they wont enjoy it, and it goes both ways sure. Family gatherings, work events, celebrations of achievements, even things like hospital appointments. My partner used to drive me to exams and sit in the car for me for over an hour - we both knew he wouldn't enjoy it but he did it for my benefit. The 'you should have anticipated that I wouldn't like this' is not only not your responsibility, it's also irrelevant, because the point of going out was for your friends to come to Dublin and see you, not for him to have a fabulous time.

I'm not even going to address the putting his hand up stuff because I can tell from the way you've described it that you realise it's completely out of order, childish, selfish behaviour.

cj maxx

I just re-read your op and quite frankly I'd run for the hills. He sounds like a spoilt child who doesn't understand the idea of give and take in a relationship.