Stunted Individual

Stunted90

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by posting this but here goes but I feel like I need to get it out somehow. I'm a 31 year old male who has a long history of depression and anxiety. My entire 20’s basically didn’t happen, the time where you learn about yourself and grown, I spent a large part of it basically in hiding which has led me to being an extremely stunted individual in my 30s. I had an awful time in secondary school where the bullying was vicious, as time went on I withdrawn more and more. Not only was I not liked in school I was awful at everything, no matter how hard I tried I kept falling behind which made me go on to fail my leaving cert, I was really hoping to move away for a fresh start but I had very few options for college, I eventually got into the local IT and got a degree after a few years, I then spend most of my 20’s unemployed or working minimum wage. Looking back I probably should have emigrated by I would have had to go on my own and I didn’t have the confidence to go through with it

I had a total breakdown when I finished college and had to go on anti-depressants which I’m still on to this day nearly 8 years later. I tried to get help with counselling and other methods, but it never worked out I saw that incompetence and under funding that is rife in the Irish mental health services, even tried going private I could never find a councilor that I clicked with. I feel like I’m completely reliant on the meds now, every now and then I might forget to take them for a few days or my prescription might run out and I’ll end up in a very dark place. Suicidal thoughts are something I have always struggle with, I made plans to end my life on a few occasions, but I never actually went through them thankfully

I’m extremely lonely, even pre covid I barley went out or met with anyone. I know everyone has felt it over the last 18 months. But it seems like there is no end in sight for me, its really hitting me now with everything opening, people meeting up for drinks and or doing outdoor activities and I have no one to meet up with. I had a very small group of friends that is basically non-existent now, with the majority settled down and starting families, emigrated or just too busy.

I’ve never had a girlfriend and basically have no relationship experience, I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone, I’m at the age now where people are wanting to settle down and start families and I know that’s not for me and perhaps never will be. I was a virgin until I was 27 which I lost to someone I met on tinder, it was definitely a confidence boost and over the course of that year I dated a bit, I had just moved to a new city for and I felt like I was finally able to stand on my own two feet after years of hiding away in my parents’ house with crippling anxiety and depression, but it wasn’t to be, I ended up getting fired from my job, I had a made one too many mistakes and they had enough, I was basically back to square one, had to pack up and move back to my parent house in my home town where I still am four years later.

I eventually got a job here which I’ve been in for a few years and I’ve managed to save a nice bit over covid, but I’m desperately unhappy, I don’t earn enough to be able to afford my own place and live like an adult, just feel like the wall are closing in on me. I know I have stuff to be grateful for, but I’ve been unhappy and getting more and more depressed as time goes on, I feel trapped and don’t know where to go from here, all I know something has to change. Lockdown has given me a lot of time to think, mainly about how much I’ve missed out over the years. I’ve been thinking it might be good to get away from Ireland for a while but I’ve no idea where I should go or if that boat has sailed with how old I am and that I’m stuck where I am because I did act sooner.

I hear people talking about there future plans, buying houses, getting married, having kids and I’m just there thinking I have no future. There’s nothing for me ahead. I need to change something

Ceolaguscraic

Hi Stunted90,

I'm very sorry to hear about the rough time you had in school. That must have been awful. You deserve great credit for going on and achieving a degree. Not everyone gets a degree so you should be proud of yourself for that. The way you have structured your writing and explained yourself is very clear. Not everyone can express themselves with that kind of clarity. You also obviously overcame a lot of fear to move to a new city and get a job. Don't be too hard on yourself in losing that job, these things happen in everyone's lives. I hope this doesn't sound flippant but you have to dust yourself down and try again which it sounds like you've done by finding a new job. Well done to you for that.

It seems like you have a lot of worries on your mind. Can I firstly ask you to try to stop comparing yourself to others? Everyone is on a different path. Just because others are buying houses, getting married, it doesn't mean everyone is. You have a lot going for you. My second piece of advice would be to take things in small steps and focus on the things you can control. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. You're very young still at 31 considering the life expectancy in Ireland is 80s nowadays. So ask yourself, what do you want out of life then think about the small steps you need to take to get there.

Regarding your social life, can you try and join a local club that interests you i.e. football, jiu jitsu, GAA, table tennis, tennis, chess, hiking, kayaking...whatever it is that interests you. There are also groups to cater for all of your interests on Meetup.com. If there isn't something there that interests you, maybe you could consider setting up your own club? Are you living in a very rural area where it's difficult to meet people? Maybe you would consider moving closer to a city to rent and expand your social circle? You say you were saving over lockdown so maybe you might have your own goal such as saving for a deposit so might want to continue where you are with that goal in mind?

I also hope this final piece of advice doesn't come across a flippant but are you getting out to exercise each day? I sometimes find the difference in my mood can be night and day between when before I exercised and after. This is another factor you can control by getting out for a walk each morning or afternoon or after work.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. A lot of people have gone through this (myself included) men and women. You just don’t hear about it.

What I would say to you is work on yourself. Fitness is great for mental health. Keeps you focused and you feel clear headed afterwards. Things don’t seem so bad. Put your best foot forward. Join a club or meet coworkers for drinks or dinner some evening.

Don’t mind these people chattering on about houses, marriages, kids. Society has us believing these are a tick the box exercise in life. Your life is what you make it. You need to be doing these things for the right reasons when you are ready. Not because of your age.