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Thoughts please? Dinner with friends..

  • 22-07-2021 11:33pm
    Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭

    There are 6 of us girls who hang out together from time to time - but not done so as a group in ages due to covid.. so we decided to book dinner.. we have a whatsapp group.. as organiser of the dinner, I choose 2 different dates as suggestions (and this was months ago as one of the girls (say, P) is always heavily booked up)

    P was the 1st to get back with a preferred date - and others followed suit.. so the date was decided.. suited all 6 of us..

    Then, a mth later - P messages to say that she can't make it now as she is going for a night away to a hotel that night!

    Initially, I was like - ok mayb its family or something.. but since she tells me its just a night away to a fancy hotel with 2 other mates (some of her school mates).

    I think its bang out of order.. like - this was organised well in advance specifically with her in mind as she's always booked up - then she goes and ditches our dinner so she can go and stay in a hotel with 2 other mates.

    I am annoyed with her - well, I think less of her as a mate now..

    Just wondering what others would think if this happened to them?

    I have not asked the other 4 what they make of it.. (we aren't like, a group of best friends - just a gang with some common interests) TIA



  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    25 years ago I might have been a bit pissed off about this. Now I wouldn't be bothered at all. Five of you are still on for this, so lash on and enjoy it. Let her do what she wants, and either it'll be her loss or else there'll be other nights. I wouldn't even comment other than possibly to say "P can't make it, that's unfortunate. Who's getting the next round in?"

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Is this a new Boards feature? Post one get one free? 😀

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,296 ✭✭✭con747

    Her loss, maybe it's a blessing in disguise she isn't going. If she was interested in any type of friendship she would not have booked a hotel with other friends for the same night, one less for you to worry about.

    Don't expect anything from life, just be grateful to be alive.

  • Posts: 7,792 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]

    I think your shared interest mate must be very popular, if she's "always booked up" . At least she got back to you in plenty of time, so there's that. I don't know (or care 😁) much about the group dynamic that exists between females. I reckon you should run it by the other 4 to see how ye should proceed going forward 😊 regarding invites with/for this social butterfly; who appears to have no shame dropping her common interest mates at the drop of a hat, if and when a 'better offer' comes along. Can't say it's ever happened to me - I don't even have 5 mates 😁😴.

    Any chance ya could divulge what this/these "common interests" are, just so posters may be able to better advise 😅 eg there's 6 players on a volleyball team 😅

    The 5 of ye should go to dinner, and shun this other one from now on.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,436 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I wouldn't think anything of it really. You all still have the night out booked. You go without P. The date suited everyone so nobody has been put out or loses out.

    Just go out, enjoy your night and you won't even miss P. But just be sure not to make her a priority on other occasions.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,324 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    Press on without her and exactly what BBoC said - in future don’t make her a priority. I mean it just goes to show she doesn’t place as high a value on the group as she does her other friends . Which is perfectly fine but it deffo means when she can’t make it she can’t make it and no special treatment to get a date that suits her is deserved. Always booked up sounds more like you guys are a low priority.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭sporina

    thanks for all the replies.. yep - we are obv low on the priority list.. at least there is a group of us in it - twud be worse if it was just one she was dissing.. (she is popular but loves being out and about too - v sociable) at least she was honest with us - but wow - I think its v rude - as someone said, she was good to go till she got a better offer.. v rude.. (might have been easier had she lied but at least now I know not to make a fool of myself by making her priority in future).. i might ask some of the others what they think on a 1 on 1.. sometime.. era feck her - yep - 5 of us booked and looking forward to it.. indeed she won't be prioritised in future - not by me anyway.. i won't let on to her how I feel, don't want her to know i'm bothered - but no xmas card from me from here on in.. and will only connect with her when in company as oppose to on a 1 on 1.. huh.. the cheek of her really.. but she obv doesn't care that we know we are not priority.. (i think thats the bit that bothers me most) - I was reared better than to do what she did though.. thanks again folks

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,722 ✭✭✭Bawnmore

    I agree with this - I wouldn't even think to worry about it. Was dinner for 6, now it's dinner for 5 - is it worth making a big deal out of?

  • Registered Users Posts: 18,010 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck

    Sounds like she put her mates ahead of a group of common interest friends that she sees from time to time?

    Honestly, I'd probably do the same, and I certainly wouldn't take it personally if someone did it to me. My old friends are more important than my casual acquaintances, that's just how it is.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,344 ✭✭✭Thoie

    I understand why, but you're getting your knickers in a twist over something that P probably hasn't even given another thought to. Crossing her off your Christmas Card list etc will keep reminding you that you're annoyed with her, and she might not even notice. I don't sit there tallying up who I did/didn't receive cards from. I read them, smile at the message, and put them on a shelf.

    As others have said, don't exclude her from future gatherings, don't treat her any differently, the main thing is when picking times/dates to meet, go with what suits the majority, and she'll either make it or not. There's all sorts of reasons she might have opted for the hotel break over dinner - some of them selfish (I really fancy a night in that hotel), some of them more generous (one of the other hotel people has had a very rough time, and she's going to support them). You've no way of knowing which it is, and does it really matter? End result is the same.

    Questions to ask yourself (not necessarily answer here): If one of the others had cancelled, would you be as het up about it? Is it specifically that you wanted to see P, that you wanted all 6 people there, or something else? Do you want to be top of her priority list? (Why?) Do you want to be top of everyone's priority list? (Why?).

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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    Honestly making too big a deal out of this.

    If she has to get a hotel to see her college friends she is probably travelling half way around the country.

    She is going to see ye much more regularly and can meet up for dinner anytime nd mightnt get a chance to see her college for a long time again.

    I know if my college friends who I had not seen in years organized something I would go.

    Just reschedule the dinner or do it without her. She is not purposely dismissing ye, but if it's friends I had not seen in years sorry but I would do the same and my friends would fully understand this if I said that to them.

    One time I went to electric picnic and met up with my college friends one day and my regular friends another day. They didn't care.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭sporina

    thanks for all the replies but an awful lot of assumptions so lemme elaborate..

    i'm not making a bit deal out of it - (I just wanted to hear other peoples thought - thats why Boards is for lol).. if I was, i'd be having it out with her... I just think its disrespectful/rude what she did - I wouldn't do it anyway.. i'd have arranged the night away for another time...

    I am hurt as I thought we wer better friends than that.. obv not.. but its not just me - its the others too.. but I can only speak for myself..

    these are her school friends - meets them all the time.. they only live a few km from one another.. the hotel is around 30 km from where they live.. they wer there for lunch one day and liked it so much they decided to book a night - same night as our dinner..

    we are not just casual mates who only meet as a group for the common interest = we meet on a 1 on 1 basis too - talk on the phone... would class her as a mate - not my best but a good mate..

    we have only met up a few times in the last yr.. she see's these mates all the time..

    @ Thoie - awe now, your loosing the run of yourself there lol.. i'm not a control freak.. I'm just a bit hurt - think its disrespectful.. its how I am wired... I suppose I expect to be treated in the same way as how I treat others.. and yes it wudda been nice for all 6 of us to be there as we have not all met as a group since last July which was for dinner too - it was gonna be like round 2 1 yr later.. when indoor dining resumed (although we will be outdoors tonight)..

    era feck her - but good to know how little she thinks of us.. won't be putting as much into the friendship from here on in..

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,203 ✭✭✭Tork

    While I understand why your nose is out of joint over this, I think you're making too big a deal over this. You've decided that this meet-up with old school friends is less important than your gathering. Maybe it is to you but you don't seem to know or care what her bond with these old school friends is like. There are people out there who have stayed in touch with their old schoolfriends and make the effort to catch up with them. For example, I have a friend in her late 40s who still meets up with a few of her old secondary school friends once a year or so. They get dressed up and book a table in a fancy restaurant and make a night of it.

    My advice to you is to go ahead with your gathering and just present the others with the facts (i.e. Mary's not coming now, she's going to spend the weekend with some old schoolfriends). They'll all have their own opinions on what has happened. Be careful what you say because there's potential here for this to turn into a bitching session. Once that happens, you don't know what the fallout could be down the road. Your words could be repeated back to "Mary" or others might start seeing you in a different light. I agree that she seems to be flaky and you're not wrong to be annoyed. But this isn't a reason to fall out with her. Just work in the basis that she night let you down again in the future and concentrate on your other friends. By all means continue to invite her but don't go out of your way to accommodate her.

    Post edited by Tork on

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,086 ✭✭✭✭Calahonda52

    This all that happened

    Then, a mth later - P messages to say that she can't make it now.

    All the rest is an imagined reality

    We are meaning making machines from day 1

    OP, you say u are hurt: if we opened you up, under anaesthetic of course, where would we see hurt so we could cut it out?

    “I can’t pay my staff or mortgage with instagram likes”.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,436 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    I think you're right sporina.

    Don't let it bother you too much. You now know she's flaky. On the other hand it can often happen that things are arranged and then something comes up for someone and they cancel. We had a work night out planned a few weeks ago. 8 of us were meant to go out. All agreed on a date. 8 booked to go. All excited to be set free after lockdowns (we work in health care). Only 5 ended up going out. One was sick and the other 2 had something else come up. (actually I only made part of the night as I was also invited to something else which was on earlier the same day, after I had agreed to our night out!)

    I wouldn't let it bother you too much. But don't be too quick to try facilitate her above others in future. In this instances she was the first to agree to a particular date, but the date also suited everyone. If she had insisted on a date that didn't suit everyone and then cancelled I'd not only be knocking her off my Christmas card list but I'd be letting her know it was bad form!

    But, that's not what happened here. Just let this one go. Enjoy the night and when you make plans in future accept that 1 or other may not be able to make it for any particular reason.

  • Registered Users Posts: 27,834 ✭✭✭✭looksee

    'i'm not making a bit deal out of it '

    You really are. Enough that you want to discuss it one on one with the others. Enough that you are arguing the case here.

    She has let you down quite unnecessarily. Its rude. It didn't have to be a choice between you and the other mates, she could have picked a different date and done both. She chose to drop out of your event. Her loss. Just forget it, as someone else said, don't make her a priority next time, just treat everyone the same as everyone else. Have the meet-up and just say P pulled out, another event came up and she decided to go with it. Then drop it. Do you want the others thinking 'is this how she (you) would talk behind my back?'

    Its not important, she has shown her colours, leave her at it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,518 ✭✭✭magic_murph

    A night away in a nice hotel will always trump dinner in town.

    Forgive quickly and move on quicker.

  • Registered Users Posts: 27,834 ✭✭✭✭looksee

    Unless you have made arrangements involving other people.

    Then you are self-centred and rude.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭sporina

    thanks for those folks..

    @looksee - yes she has shown her true colours.. and they are noted.

    @bigbagofchips - yep flaky...

    some posts don't make sense.. 🤔... anyway...

    I am actually not gonna mention it to the others.. they know - she msged in our whatsapp group..

    so looking forward to the night.. twill be great.. happy to meet her in company but not on a 1 on 1 in future.. have lots of great mates - more time to spend with them 😎

    thanks all

  • Registered Users Posts: 11,131 ✭✭✭✭Oranage2

    I guess she just sees it as a casual dinner and hanging out with her 'real' mates for the weekend is much more appealing.

    It's dinner for 5 now which is hardly a big deal I wouldn't let it bother me in the slightest, anyone with a flaky friend knows they're not dependable and you shouldn't make plans around them.

    Off the Christmas card list is a bit much however.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,025 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken

    I'd say let the 5 of you.go ahead and enjoy your night.

    Why rearrange it for one, especially one that did the picking in the first place and then finds a different thing to do.

    Have you, as a group, allowed her to dictate events/dates in the past?

    Not fair on everyone else imo.

  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    She is rude. End of story. People have no manners any more.

    Dont know why some people are looking to make excuses for her.

    She had a pre-existing commitment made with you and your other four friends, and she ditched you all for this other group of friends, so now, you know where you stand.

    When the opportunity to book a night in the hotel came up, what she should have said "oh, I already have plans for that night, can we do it another time?" But she chose to drop your group, instead.

    Do not, under any circumstances, rearrange for her now. Go ahead with you night and have fun with your other four friends, and leave her off.

  • Registered Users Posts: 28,492 ✭✭✭✭HeidiHeidi

    I wonder will she expect you to rearrange now that she can't (/won't) make the night?

    I agree with others, you come across as making quite a big deal of this in your own head (but it's too easy misinterpret things in writing, in the absence of whole context, so I won't go any further with that, I could be very wide of the mark) - but also that you should go ahead with the dinner with your other 4 friends, and enjoy it.

    I do have a friend, one of a group of pals from a particular context, around whom everyone else in the group seems to pivot, so I can see where you're coming from in one sense - but equally, she shouldn't dictate (whether consciously or subconsciously) what the rest of ye do.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭sporina

    oh no we are not rearranging it lol - and she wouldn't expect us too - she's not that bad ekk... yeah RC - your so right - like, she was the very 1st one select her preferred date.. so when you think of it that way, its even more bizarre that she cancelled.. allowed her to dictate? well - depends how you look at it.. we would always arrange stuff well in advance on account of her as she always has such a busy schedule, socially.. but no more of that..

    those of you who think I am making a big deal out of it.. I'm not really.. this is boards - on line - not like i'm going on about it in my actual life... I just wanted to get people's opinions.. (thats what I like most about this site).. but I was really taken aback.. it was eye opening - known her 13 yrs and didn't realise she could be this audacious... but there is information in it - and its been received and processed.... i've been a good friend to her in the past - won't be so quick to reach out to her in future as now I know that she doesn't value our friendship in the same way I did.. don't wanna be a mug and just carry on as normal.. thats all..

    era - have lots of good mates - really looking forward to dinner with the 5 others

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,497 ✭✭✭jarvis

    I would hate to see what you would do if she did something worse on you. Off the Xmas card list, never meeting her one to one. Maybe there’s history and this is the straw that broke the camels back but I do think if this is the first and only time she has ditched you then it is a weirdly obsessive over reaction. Even giving it as much thought as you have seems odd. I am a male though and maybe we’re wired differently. If it was a friend of mine I’d give him a bit of slagging on the next night out “oh are your real friends busy tonight” but other than that I’d just get back to normal after our 5 person night out.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭sporina

    thanks for your post... lol.. wasn't surprised when you said you are male; that explains ur thought process... men are from mars, women venus etc.. wish I was a guy - think ye have an easier life in general (not that its all rosy - I know ye get difficult health issues too etc)...

    nah like I said, known her 13 yrs I think and had never experienced her been audacious etc before - we' ve never had a row - never had an issue - thats why I was so surprised.. anyway - i'm over it - dinner this weekend - can't wait

  • Registered Users Posts: 554 ✭✭✭Kerry25x

    Personally, I would be annoyed in your shoes. I have no time for flaky friends and I've distanced myself from a few over the years who were constantly cancelling plans last minute or being generally unreliable.

  • Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭kefflin

    Life is too short to carry around that anger. You never know what another person has on their plate. If they don't want to go drive on and enjoy your night out

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,724 ✭✭✭sporina

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  • Registered Users Posts: 29,864 ✭✭✭✭freshpopcorn

This discussion has been closed.