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Can't take living at home anymore

  • 27-06-2021 2:51pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm 25 M, working and living in Dublin and I still live with my folks and brothers. It's getting to the stage where theres constant arguments and I can't take it anymore. Especially with my mother.

    She has a history of falling out with people (her siblings, my dads siblings, any friends shes ever had) and it feels to me that she is now bored without anyone to fallout with and she's moving on me.

    Recently I was cleaning upstairs in the house, and as I was coming downstairs the big hover connection things slipped and fell out. Nothing was damaged, **** just happens. This minor event turned into a huge screaming contest. She loves threatening people and she goes to me "THERE BETTER BE NO DAMAGE TO THAT STAIR CASE. YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ANYTHING"? I was so confused. I was cleaning upstairs and suddenly i have no respect?

    My response was that I think I'm the only one with respect, as my two younger brothers never clean, expect her to do everything (cook, pack their lunches, wash their clothes).

    It feels like everything I do is setting someone off, despite how hard I try. Even my dad, I don't think he feels I have a real job (I'm a software engineer with a big Irish company). He makes labouring me do projects with him at the weekend for free as I have to do "real work". i hate it.

    I need to move out, I'm about 6 months away from having a deposit and gettiing a mortgage for a 2 bed apartment in Dublin, but recent conflicts is making me saying "**** it, I'll rent a 1 bed". I just need a rant and some advice.


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,943 ✭✭✭Jequ0n


    Well, just move out and rent. Sounds like you have been very lucky to been living at home while saving up for a mortgage.
    Sorry, I can’t really see the big problem here.


  • Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    Time to grow up at 25 years of age and move out. Your parents are probably fed up with you hanging on at home at this stage.

    Hard to respect a man who stays in the family home at 25 years of age and thinks his mother owes him ‘respect’ for something or other.

    Move out and stand on your own two feet.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    What's kept you from renting a room elsewhere, why would you need a one bed to yourself?


  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Heraclius


    I know it is really unpleasant to be fighting with family. It would be healthier to move out if you really can't endure a few months there.

    I think you need to change your perspective though. You're incredibly lucky compared to anyone who moves to Dublin and it is a bit unseemly to be giving out when you've saved on years of rent.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,495 ✭✭✭✭whisky_galore


    JayZeus wrote: »
    Time to grow up at 25 years of age and move out. Your parents are probably fed up with you hanging on at home at this stage.

    Hard to respect a man who stays in the family home at 25 years of age and thinks his mother owes him ‘respect’ for something or other.

    Move out and stand on your own two feet.

    I'm sure the OP would have moved out years ago only a little matter of an accom crisis some people say doesnt exist? Easy to criticize from a position of comfort.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Heraclius


    snoopsheep wrote: »
    What's kept you from renting a room elsewhere, why would you need a one bed to yourself?

    Yes, try sharing with someone for a few months - much cheaper.


  • Posts: 3,637 ✭✭✭[Deleted User]


    I'm sure the OP would have moved out years ago only a little matter of an accom crisis some people say doesnt exist? Easy to criticize from a position of comfort.

    Indeed.

    The OP should thank his mother for putting up with him hanging on at home way past the point she should.

    He should roll up his sleeves and help his father with enthusiasm and quit complaining.

    He should reflect on the ease with which he can criticise them from his position of relative comfort, then stop rocking the boat at home and deal with his sense of entitlement, which is clearly misplaced.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,962 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    Time to go.

    Moving out of home and sharing with people is a good life experience.


  • Registered Users Posts: 965 ✭✭✭SnuggyBear


    How close are you to getting mortgage approval? I say bite your tongue and keep the peace until you get the mortgage. You will probably get along better too when you move out. Don't fall out with anyone in the mean time and help your da out a bit.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,025 ✭✭✭Rubberchikken


    People say things in the heat of theoment that often make no sense. I wouldn't pay much attention to the 'no respect' comment it was probably said in anger.

    You are showing respect by doing the things you do in your home.
    If you think that renting even for a short time is doable then do it if only to give you both a.bit of space.

    It may be that the past year is getting to her. If she's inclined towards falling out with others then maybe all living under one roof is getting to her and in turn affecting the rest of the family.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,704 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    Hi Op

    your mothers' reaction was an overreaction. But you know that already. its the health of your underlying relationship that is the real issue, and not the symptoms.

    It would probably be good for all parties of you can move out. In your short post i can hear the frustration. But you do only appear to be seeing things from your own perspective.

    Your parents would probably have expected that once you have finished school and i'm guessing college too, and you landed a decent job, that you might move out and give more space and less crowding at home. It takes a toll on them too.

    So yes move out, get some space, and perspective, and im sure you can work on relationship with mam and dad, and be perceived as a equal and not a dependant.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,337 ✭✭✭YellowLead


    Move. You’re only 25 - not saying you shouldn’t get on the property ladder yet but I don’t think it’s any harm if your efforts are slowed down by a year or so due to paying rent. You’ve got a good chunk saved so you are lucky in that regard.

    A house with adult children can be stressful - if you can afford to move out you’d be doing your parents a favor and your relationship with them will undoubtably improve.


  • Registered Users Posts: 965 ✭✭✭SnuggyBear


    YellowLead wrote: »
    Move. You’re only 25 - not saying you shouldn’t get on the property ladder yet but I don’t think it’s any harm if your efforts are slowed down by a year or so due to paying rent. You’ve got a good chunk saved so you are lucky in that regard.

    A house with adult children can be stressful - if you can afford to move out you’d be doing your parents a favor and your relationship with them will undoubtably improve.

    That year could turn into 5 years with the way prices are going though.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,208 Mod ✭✭✭✭HildaOgdenx


    Go for it, OP.

    The past year/ sixteen months has probably put a lot of relationships under strain, so that could be a factor in the disharmony. Start looking around for a place of your own, and keep the peace as best you can until you find something.
    Rent for now, and keep working towards buying when the time feels right for you.

    If you are working in a large company, you might find someone there is looking for a housemate.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 167 ✭✭BillyBiggs


    You are in your prime at 25. It would be a great time to move out and live near the city centre. You don’t realise it now, but you don’t get your 20’s back and living with your parents is a waste of your youth. You could even go halves with a close friend on a 2 bed flat and save yourself sharing with strangers, which is no picnic.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    This minor event turned into a huge screaming contest.

    This implies it wasnt just herself screaming. You must realise that your housing situation isn't ideal for your parents either? They're not obliged to help you save for your deposit - they're doing you an enormous favour. I think you should give your mum a break, even if she is being unfair.

    As for the mortgage, 25 is very young to have a mortgage (just comparatively). The reason most people dont do it at 25 is because most people your age either can't afford to leave home, or if they can, they do, by renting. Usually in shared accommodation.

    If you want to go straight to owning your own place rather than renting, fair play to you. It's a brave thing to do in the current housing crisis. But you should accept that you're only able to conceive of such a thing because you're in a more privileged situation than most, and that privilege is being afforded to you solely through the goodwill of your parents.

    If that doesn't sit well with you, then you're going to have to rent and push the mortgage idea to a later stage.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,530 ✭✭✭Car99


    25 , no immediate need to own a home. Property prices will fall again in a couple of years. Invest your deposit for 3 years and then see where the market is . Rent and enjoy the next 3 years long enough you'll be tied to a mortgage.


  • Registered Users Posts: 410 ✭✭AlphabetCards


    Car99 wrote: »
    25 , no immediate need to own a home. Property prices will fall again in a couple of years. Invest your deposit for 3 years and then see where the market is . Rent and enjoy the next 3 years long enough you'll be tied to a mortgage.

    Look, this is the closest thing to good advice here. Maybe go safe though, you'll never get the opportunity to save up a deposit so take a safe investment. You might match inflation with prize bonds. Keep them for three years, live month to month for a few years until prices return to normalcy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,982 ✭✭✭...Ghost...


    Holy bejaysus, what is with most people on this thread? The lad is 25, not 40 ffs! Chances are he did his leaving cert when he was 19 and spent 3-4 years studying to be a software engineer, which bring him to 22/23. He got himself a job and almost has enough saved for a mortgage. Let's not forget we've had 18 months of restrictions and a lot longer where it's been harder to find a place to rent in Dublin than ever before.

    Cut the lad a break. Aside from going over the top a little with the rant, he seems to be paying plenty of respect by not expecting mammy to wash the skidmarks from his jox. I know of lads in their 30s and 40s who never left home. A neighbour of mine is nearly 50 and still lives with mam and dad. To be 25 and nearly ready to get a mortgage, the 25 year old is doing pretty well.

    OP, cool the jets. People can be illogical and Mammies need to give out now and again. You might have done something you weren't aware of, or she was just in a bad mood. Focus on your goal and good luck.

    Free Palestine from Hamas



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,123 ✭✭✭Ellie2008


    Holy bejaysus, what is with most people on this thread? The lad is 25, not 40 ffs! Chances are he did his leaving cert when he was 19 and spent 3-4 years studying to be a software engineer, which bring him to 22/23. He got himself a job and almost has enough saved for a mortgage. Let's not forget we've had 18 months of restrictions and a lot longer where it's been harder to find a place to rent in Dublin than ever before.

    Cut the lad a break. Aside from going over the top a little with the rant, he seems to be paying plenty of respect by not expecting mammy to wash the skidmarks from his jox. I know of lads in their 30s and 40s who never left home. A neighbour of mine is nearly 50 and still lives with mam and dad. To be 25 and nearly ready to get a mortgage, the 25 year old is doing pretty well.

    OP, cool the jets. People can be illogical and Mammies need to give out now and again. You might have done something you weren't aware of, or she was just in a bad mood. Focus on your goal and good luck.

    Ok fair enough, but the point I take issue with is pointing out that his mother has a history of falling out with people. Maybe it’s her or maybe she’s been unlucky who knows, either way it doesn’t seem relevant to his mother losing her temper with him. It comes off more like the OP is overreacting & viewing his mother in a certain light as a woman looking for a fight when perhaps she was just having a bad day or has a lot of her mind.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,394 ✭✭✭Pac1Man


    Op, disregard most of what you read on this thread. People will try to shame you because of your living arrangements through simple jealousy. You have a great opportunity to get on the property ladder at an early age, something that they didn't have. Grab it with both hands and f the begrudgers. They won't be there to help you in times of need.

    You have a target date of 6 months. Stick to it would be my advice. If things are still tough at home after that, then look at renting somewhere but at least you will have the deposit saved.

    I would be more annoyed at your dad not viewing your job as a legitimate occupation. Dinosaur logic.


  • Registered Users Posts: 965 ✭✭✭SnuggyBear


    Ellie2008 wrote: »
    Ok fair enough, but the point I take issue with is pointing out that his mother has a history of falling out with people. Maybe it’s her or maybe she’s been unlucky who knows, either way it doesn’t seem relevant to his mother losing her temper with him. It comes off more like the OP is overreacting & viewing his mother in a certain light as a woman looking for a fight when perhaps she was just having a bad day or has a lot of her mind.

    Some people fall out with everybody. Overly sensitive people. I have family members like this. I just bite my tongue and say nothing. Let them rant for the sake of keeping the peace.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,530 ✭✭✭Car99


    SnuggyBear wrote: »
    Some people fall out with everybody. Overly sensitive people. I have family members like this. I just bite my tongue and say nothing. Let them rant for the sake of keeping the peace.

    Overly sensitive is a good description.


  • Registered Users Posts: 800 ✭✭✭a fat guy


    Holy bejaysus, what is with most people on this thread? The lad is 25, not 40 ffs! Chances are he did his leaving cert when he was 19 and spent 3-4 years studying to be a software engineer, which bring him to 22/23. He got himself a job and almost has enough saved for a mortgage. Let's not forget we've had 18 months of restrictions and a lot longer where it's been harder to find a place to rent in Dublin than ever before.

    Cut the lad a break. Aside from going over the top a little with the rant, he seems to be paying plenty of respect by not expecting mammy to wash the skidmarks from his jox. I know of lads in their 30s and 40s who never left home. A neighbour of mine is nearly 50 and still lives with mam and dad. To be 25 and nearly ready to get a mortgage, the 25 year old is doing pretty well.

    OP, cool the jets. People can be illogical and Mammies need to give out now and again. You might have done something you weren't aware of, or she was just in a bad mood. Focus on your goal and good luck.

    I've only recently gotten back onto voards regularly, but was it always like this? I've seen a few threads on this site where a bunch of people bandwagon on giving the threads OP an absolute bolloxing for something that either doesn't seem that bad or is vague enough to not warrant qny kind of criticism just yet. It's like some people on here are like OP's mam, just looking for a punching bag!

    Anyway, OP if your mam is anything like someone I know, they're probably the type to have massive overreactions that are short lived. There's no real fix for people who are toxic like that, but fighting back (While it won't actually dissuade them from doing this in the future) will make you feel a bit better in the long term. Best to give as good as you get than just feel like a piece of **** and take it (I have tried both approaches, been the miserable punching bag for years, but the uncomfortable shouting matches are worth it in the long run).


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