Third wheeling husband and his friend

LegacyUser

Partner thinks it's acceptable to treat me like a doormat when a friend of his gives him the wrong advice.

For context myself and partner have been together for 7 years and throughout that time he met a friend at a football club. Since day 1 I've never liked this friend. He's a user, treats his own relationship like its a stop off shop to load his business and carries on speaking awful about the girl he's with and my partner thinks this friend is a good influence. I always give people chances when I first meet them but from the second I met this friend, his demeanour and his self sureness and cockiness threw me off him. Others have commented saying this friend is sneaky, a user and is overal someone who's thinks is knowledgable when in reality, he really hasn't got a clue. In fact another friend discontinued their friendship with my partner because of this other person and rightly so, I really don't blame him.

My partner is easily led in a sense that if someone gives him the advice and answers he wants to hear, they are all of a sudden a brilliant person, failing to remember that my partner also gives half the story. He's also easily led that if he does or doesn't want to do something and someone else says it's good or bad he goes with what they've said rather than forming his own views, experiences or opinions.

For example, I work part time and while on my days off I tend to get up and out with our son, whether that's to a park or my parents house (covid garden rules) or simply being outdoors and spend hours doing arts and craft etc, what parents are supposed to do. In that time, I keep the house to a standard clean but I would usually wait until my sons naptime or when he's in bed to do the heavier clean, hoover, mop etc but according to my partner and his words are "did the dishes not wash themselves today" among the many others like "I left my uniform on the bed did you not put them in the machine". The list is endless but essentially to my partner, he doesn't actually see what HAS been done and focuses on what hasn't been done and then complains that im lazy and on more than one occasion has ignored me altogether and huffs cleaning around. Out of pettiness I would say thanks for helping, "son" was a handful today and usually that's followed by my partner saying "you could have stuck something on the telly for 10 minutes"

Which brings me to the friend aspect, my partner has often come home and says "X said we should take turns doing xyz but I've told him I spend all day in work so I don't see why I need to come home and clean when you've been home all day" and I presume this friend has advised that I should follow my marching orders of what I SHOULD be doing. Lately this friend has gotten deep into my partners head that he's been sending him photos of women that he's interested in and would my partner like to see their friend. What should be lads banter in a group chat is pretty much my partner and his friend exchanging photos and trying to pick who would have who. On a paranoid level I'm pretty sure my partner is also chatting to someone online as I've noticed that his phone is glued to his hand on the days he's home from work, even when he's sitting "playing" with our son, the phone is in his hand while he's trying to coux my son into watching TV so he doesn't have to physically do anything. Along with getting up at odd hours during the night to go into the bathroom for an hour at a time then comes back into bed.

Now I say paranoia about the online chat as my reasons are lack of sex, rejecting any moves I have towards instigating sex and generally removing himself from a room when I enter. If this isn't an indication then I don't know what is. I also notice he's been using SM which obviously he has a right to do but this is someone who supposedly hates SM, has no details or photos on his SM pages and yet manages to go online for hours on end. I haven't physically seen his phone to see what it is he's doing and to be honest, I wouldn't allow myself to scoop that low to check either as I'm a firm believer that a person's phone is their own privacy and we are all entitled to that but when you've a family, a child in the equations my beliefs are questioned by, is this the friend encouraging him to seek elsewhere while he gets his dinner on the table?

I'm not putting the full blame on my partners friend as my partner has his own brain and can full well think and do for himself and throughout the 7 years their friendship has been a roller-coaster. I have notice when they aren't chatting or being pals of a Monday, my partner is loveable, attentive and I can have a conversation with him in a civilised manner but when this friend is in the picture is like he's wishing he had his friends life and hold his airs and graces about him all the while coming home to me and talking negative about said friend. Funnily enough it is like I'm a third wheel fighting for my partners attention with a friend who would drop him like a hot snot when someone better comes along. My partners friend is married with 2 children and I've never met the wife but hearing from my partner she's a "bunny boiler". I wouldn't take that comment seriously as my partner probably tells his friend that I'm like his wife when in reality both myself and his wife are clearly doing all we can to raise our children, run a home and essentially mammy our own partners.

My partner thinks I'm oblivious to his behaviours and also thinks that I'm the one in the wrong when I get snappy or a throw a dig about his friend. Granted I could be mature and voice my opinions in an adult manner but to be faced with man who relies on the opinions and advice of another guy who thinks women should basically look like a Kardashian and nod their heads when spoken too. This along the lines of the fact that my partners friend is up to his eyeballs in debt and is throwing his money away on gambling sites and investment sites, losing it all then giving out because his wife is giving out to him for lack of money. Whilst myself and partner have a home we bought 4 years ago, a 2 year old son, the only debts we have is a mortage as I'm hell bent on making sure our finances are in check to avoid any struggle. I stated I work part time and my partner works full time but I always like to make sure that mortage, bills and baby is looked after first and then we figure the rest out, but according to my partner, he feels that I take over and I don't allow him to buy or do anything in the same breath he recently bought a a new iPhone from the money I pool together that we can use for anything that along with booking a nightaway with a couple of friends while I've so much as bought myself a packet of chocolate buttons in the shops.

I'm not the type to run to the gym or get up early to put make up on or buy the latest make up and clothes. My partner knows this and I'm damn well sure not going to change that. However I do love my partner deeply and he does have many positive qualities about him but its often hidden when his friend is around and he doesn't have to be around physically either. Lately my partner has shut himself off from me. He doesn't speak to me. He barely tells me where he's going and when he does tell me I'm expected to accept this as normally I wouldn't be the type of person to tell my partner where he can and can't go, as him with me and then I'm left woundering why he doesn't want to do anything with me. Say for example, the restaurants are open and my parents have been asking to babysit their grandson for the past 3 weeks now and they did once thinking myself and partner could have an evening to ourselves, my partner decided to meet his friend instead and arrived home at 2am from leaving the house at 3pm the previous day. I rang him once throughout that time and he didn't answer, I left him too it as I knew myself it wasn't worth putting myself through an ordeal trying to find out where he is so I collected my son from his grandparents and spent the evening watching cartoons with him which was wounderful by the way.

I'm presuming my partner has checkout of the relationship and its fine if he has, I would rather he spoke to me like an adult but the seething thing is, if his friend wasn't in the equation, my partner wouldn't be in a position that will see himself without his partner and child, all because of a friendship. I've spoken about his friend and how I feel and my partner either says I'm being stupid or I'm jealous. The one friend he lost, still keeps in contact with me to make sure my son is okay and we set playdates for our kids so I know myself that it isn't me a person that is making him act this way, not that is should be a reason either.

I genuinely think my partner has lost the run of himself and isn't able to think properly and thinks that I'm the cause of whatever issue he has when in reality is, he's speaking to a friend who advice resembles putting a fork into a plug socket and expects a good result. It's laughable to those who aren't experiencing this but I feel my mental state lately has led me into feeling so bad about my own self that I can't bring myself to sit down and have a conversation with him without seeming like I am disinterested. My own son doesn't ask for his daddy anymore and when he does it's only because he saw him for a split second and I'm sure is trying the phantom was he actually there.

Which brings me to today and the reason why I've wrote this lenghtly post is because my partner decided that this morning at 6am when myself and son was asleep, it was the day he wanted to do a home workout in our bedroom, where we cosleep with our son (I'm successfully weaning him away from this) We've a sitting room and a kitchen but no, our room just had to be the room that my partner decided to kindly mute the telly but bounce all over the floor, waking us up and acting annoyed because my son wanted to put on his cartoons and I can only assume the friend has decided to start working out as well as my partner has never expressed an interest in working out, especially at home.

Can someone help clarify that this is some mid life crisis or my partner is genuinely a selfish person regardless of his friend because I'm starting to question my own sanity and quiet frankly my 2 year old son gives up most days. I don't like to speak about my relationship to friends or family as normally I am a quiet and reserved person but the last, I want to say, 4 months it's like my partner has had a complete personality change and has decided to morph into his friend when his friend is the last person anyone wants to be around.

YellowLead

A lot to go through there! It sounds like your relationship is dead in the water on both sides. Ask yourself, if you did not share a child - would you leave? If yes, then know that while it’s much trickier with kids in the equation splits can and do happen.

I wouldn’t be putting so much emphasis on this friend of your partners whom you seem to see as at the root of all troubles. As you said yourself your partner has his own mind and if he is that easily influenced in how he acts towards you, then he always will be.

I think things are too far gone here to work on it, it’s time to split. If you feel like for some reason you really love him and want to stay then counselling is the only real option if a heart to heart doesn’t change things wishing you luck.

Cyclepath

You'll get a lot of advice both good and bad here. However, I'd recommend you see a relationship therapist (on your own!) so that a professional can help you see the depressing reality and seriousness of your situation.

What strikes me most is that you need to work on your self esteem - a therapist can help with that. You need to value yourself more and realise how badly you're being treated by what sounds like an absolute moron. Your description of your current situation is heartbreaking. You deserve better.

QueenRizla

First off, you have my deepest sympathy, you deserve so much better than this and don't even seem to realise it. Your so called-partner is treating you worse then hired help and you are almost excusing his behaviour, that's how gaslit you are.
His behavior is absolutely disgraceful and emotionally abusive. I had to re-read some of it. He is trading pictures with his married friend on which women they would be with, are you f*king kidding me? He thinks because you work part-time he has no responsibility to the household and little with his child and none to you - WRONG. The secret phone stuff and half arsed parenting is shocking.
I am so sorry you are tolerating this absolute self serving man-child. I am not mentioning much about the friend, water finds its level. It's a reflection of him that's the company he keeps. Oh and you are probably right about the cheating (being shady with phones is the least of the clues). How dare he treat the mother of his child and child so horribly. He sounds horrible and really you should think about a little break for yourself. You are losing yourself in this sham. He seems to think he is the prize and you are struggling for breadcrumbs. He is not worth it. He actually ignores you! Oh my God I am actually stunned that you keep defending what qualities he has when his friend isn't around. Don't let anyone treat you like this. It is not acceptable friend or no friend. In fact it is shady as all hell. Just start working on yourself, he sounds like he is setting himself up to leave when he finds someone else (already has) so start being nice to yourself. It will actually be doing you a favour.
I can't believe you don't even treat yourself to anything. Don't get me started on the money stuff. You are affording him a massive advantage by supporting him working full-time and he develops a career while you stall yours and do all the household and emotional labour. When he leaves you will have slowed your career opportunities for this loser. Do you have friends or family (not mutual who will gaslit you with 'two sides' bs). He doesnt' respect you and is treating you like sh*t, nip it in the bud by putting yourself first and making a plan so you are not at his mercy financially as he begins the process of moving in with his new squeeze. I am not sure you realise how bloody awful he is. As the above poster said, do not go to counseling with him, do it separately for yourself.

Zebrag

Hi OP

Jeez that is a long post and a little sad as well.

I won't lie some parts of reading I felt that you're desperately wanting to admit to yourself that your relationship is dead. A dead relationship doesn't always mean an end and often a spark like a walk in the park or a night away, child free, can help reignite and remind each other who you are and what are you as a couple. Seeing that your partner is making time for friends and not you or your son seems to me that his interest and priorities are elsewhere and he does not want to see the responsibilities in front of him. Your partner has a family and a home and he doesn't sound like he's a teenager and he's definitely acting like one.

Whilest my advice would be to speak to him I would also like to advise that speaking about your situation to a close friend or family is the best thing and as a poster has said speak to a therapist. An outsiders opinion is usually helpful in a sense that it will make you more aware and understand what boundaries mean. You're allowing your partner to do as he pleases when he wants without permission as what most couples do that doesn't mean ignoring your partner let alone for 12 hours while you're at home with your son. I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot and you swanned off for 12 hours with no contact or explanation I can gurantee you your partner will be leaving more than 1 miss call. OP you were very lenant here. I gladly agree that couples who are out without each other don't often have to communicate throughout the whole time but a quick text or to check up on your son would have shown some sense of awareness in your partner.

As for the friend I really think this is a case of the friend is highlighting your partners actions than him being purely to blame it just so happens to be that the friend himself is just an idiot. What you have said about him anyways.

Take that grandparents offer to babysit next time and make time for yourself. If your partner doesn't want to show an interest in the free time then use this for yourself to reevaluate and understand your needs and wants. Ask a friend if they would like to book a night away somewhere or have a night in with a take away and have a good bitch and moan and let your friend know what's going on because it can't be healthy holding this all in. All relationships go through bouts of dead ends and mundane routines and its about trying to find a balance and reassuring each other that the support is there. Your partner seems to be getting his end of the support part and you seem to have to fend for yourself and get on by that isn't fair and as you have said your mental health feels like it's declining as it is. Eventually you will soon loath him and it will end up causing more arguments and problems than needed. Speak to your partner and tell him that his actions is that of a teenager and he is in a relationship with you not his friend.

They don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing eh? You haven't said if you're married that quote can ring true for any relationships. There's often a point where the house buying, babies, nights away, nights in and night out don't seem as exciting anymore and although the love can be there it's also important to take a step back and remind each other why you started off in the first place. You are still a person at the end of the day with needs and your emotions are just as valuble as your partners whether he likes to express his frustration or happiness with friends that doesn't mean he is to ignore the fact that a partner and child is at home.

OP if you feel that your relationship is worth salvaging then maybe it might be wise to sit down and have a serious talk with your partner and tell him what the consequences will be if his actions continue. He will either shock himself into realization or he could simply ignore what you're saying, his action will speak louder and from there you can decide what your options are.

Relationships are difficult and sometimes its easier to keep our mouths close to avoid unnecessary arguments and this is not an issue worth ignoring. You've a home and a child and the main priority here is making sure that your son is in a home where both of his parents are at least pleasant to each other and not acting like ships in the night.

You've got this OP.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Idontknowwhethertolaugh wrote: »

Partner thinks it's acceptable to treat me like a doormat when a friend of his gives him the wrong advice.

For context myself and partner have been together for 7 years and throughout that time he met a friend at a football club. Since day 1 I've never liked this friend. He's a user, treats his own relationship like its a stop off shop to load his business and carries on speaking awful about the girl he's with and my partner thinks this friend is a good influence. I always give people chances when I first meet them but from the second I met this friend, his demeanor and his self sureness and cockiness threw me off him. Others have commented saying this friend is sneaky, a user and is overall someone who's thinks is knowledgeable when in reality, he really hasn't got a clue. In fact another friend discontinued their friendship with my partner because of this other person and rightly so, I really don't blame him.

Are you married OP? That will make a difference if/when you decides to leave this man.

You can't control who he meets/when/what they do but you can control how you react to the situation.

Your title states husband them you go on to talk about the man who is funding your PT work arrangement as 'partner'.

The dynamics of this relationship seems like a business alright.

Zebrag

QueenRizla wrote: »

First off, you have my deepest sympathy, you deserve so much better than this and don't even seem to realise it. Your so called-partner is treating you worse then hired help and you are almost excusing his behaviour, that's how gaslit you are.
His behavior is absolutely disgraceful and emotionally abusive. I had to re-read some of it. He is trading pictures with his married friend on which women they would be with, are you f*king kidding me? He thinks because you work part-time he has no responsibility to the household and little with his child and none to you - WRONG. The secret phone stuff and half arsed parenting is shocking.
I am so sorry you are tolerating this absolute self serving man-child. I am not mentioning much about the friend, water finds its level. It's a reflection of him that's the company he keeps. Oh and you are probably right about the cheating (being shady with phones is the least of the clues). How dare he treat the mother of his child and child so horribly. He sounds horrible and really you should think about a little break for yourself. You are losing yourself in this sham. He seems to think he is the prize and you are struggling for breadcrumbs. He is not worth it. He actually ignores you! Oh my God I am actually stunned that you keep defending what qualities he has when his friend isn't around. Don't let anyone treat you like this. It is not acceptable friend or no friend. In fact it is shady as all hell. Just start working on yourself, he sounds like he is setting himself up to leave when he finds someone else (already has) so start being nice to yourself. It will actually be doing you a favour.
I can't believe you don't even treat yourself to anything. Don't get me started on the money stuff. You are affording him a massive advantage by supporting him working full-time and he develops a career while you stall yours and do all the household and emotional labour. When he leaves you will have slowed your career opportunities for this loser. Do you have friends or family (not mutual who will gaslit you with 'two sides' bs). He doesnt' respect you and is treating you like sh*t, nip it in the bud by putting yourself first and making a plan so you are not at his mercy financially as he begins the process of moving in with his new squeeze. I am not sure you realise how bloody awful he is. As the above poster said, do not go to counseling with him, do it separately for yourself.

I do want to admit I agree with this poster too.

Although I've said to sit down and express your feelings and explain the consequences, this post highlights exactly what your partner is doing.

Being a part time worker with a child doesn't mean you're lesser or more of a person. You're a human. Your partner works full time, that's fair enough but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to spend money either. Finances is also another added stress factor in a relationship and OP has highlighted that their finaces are good in that aspect, why does OP have to be deprived? Treat yourself OP! Despise the fact that your relationship has issues, it doesn't mean you have to sit inside a twiddle your thumb.

The only reason I didn't mention the phone in secret is because it has not been proven and OP has admitted they do not what to look at her partners phone which is also fine and in a lot of cases although the relationship has issues, I don't went my advice to be taken in with an indication that what OP said might not be the case. Which we all know that OPs partner is definitely hiding something using their phone constantly however, it's a hard one to pin point as OPs partner can venomly deny this causing more issues and arguments. However OP I will say thread carefully on this and make sure that your partner has no reason to deny this if you feel comfortable to broach this subject.

That being said your partners friend and partner exchanging photos, horrific is all I can say. I'm all up for my partner showing me a photo of his crush and me saying "Ah you wish". To activly chat amongst each other about the who's, whys and when about a woman's photo is just disrespectful and I can't imagine your self esteem felt any better after knowing this OP. I really feel for you.

Neyite

Mod:

Hi Op, I have a behind-the-scenes query. Please message me in confidence from your registered account, so I can clear this up for you and reopen the thread

Thanks,
N.