A confusing dilemma

castlegrange19

I'm female 42 ,who's recently come out of a marriage (no kids involved) and do not want a relationship with anyone, i need to find myself and get my mind and confidence back to myself.
I've my own apartment, good job and nice car so i've everything i need at the moment.
Recently a guy in his 20's came onto me , i know him from the area from a local club. We get on great, have great conversations and talk for hours on the phone. he told me out straight he finds me very attractive and would love to bring me out for dinner. I mentioned our 14 year age gap and also that i am not interested in a relationship with anyone as i'm just out of a marriage. So there's me thinking to myself ....a bloke in late 20's chasing me i'm flattered, he's obviously looking for a bit of fun. So the flirting is going back and forth, we met for outdoor coffee and ended up snogging the face off each other in the car. The texting and phonecalls continued, at weekends we would talk on and off on the phone for the whole day. Again, i reminded him i do not want a relationship with anyone maybe a bit of fun here and there. We met again and more snogging and a bit of petting. He'd tell me the things he'd love to do to me in the bedroom etc, I felt myself started to get feelings for him which i do not want as i'm not in a good place at the moment with my marriage ending etc, but i cant stop thinking bout this guy and our blooming friendship. I invited him around to my house for dinner, wine and fun that friday and we were both looking forward to it, talking about our plans for the night. It didnt go ahead, he blanked me the day before.
He told me that he wants us to go back to how we were before we became close, he felt we were getting closer and closer and as i dont want a relationship he is afraid of getting hurt as he was hurt by his ex really bad and is afraid to go through these emotions again. He said he felt he was getting feelings for me.

I told him i understand if that's how he feels i would back off , so i notice then he has me blocked on all social media, whatsapp etc. After 5 days of silence , i get a follow request on instagram and i accepted and waited for him to message me.....after 1 hour he sent me a message asking what i'm up to and that tbh missed our conversations. so again we start yapping away , phonecalls started back etc He said 'I do want to be friends with you but i do not want a hook up,'. This is the 3rd time he's done this, goes hot and cold on me , it's actually messing with my head too. The problem is we see each other alot in the area.
Blanked me over the weekend then i bumped into him at the shops earlier, gave me a big friendly wave asked how i was etc I said 'sure maybe drop up for dinner on friday like we previously planned, he said outstraight NO. An hour later text me saying , 'hi, busy in work?'. I'm totally confused.

I'd love peoples opinions on this, be kind or be cruel i dont care. My head is in a spin.

Dial Hard

You're a flirty distraction for him when he's in the humour for it, and you pretty much cease to exist for him when he's not. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but I think you need to hear it out straight.

You're in a very vulnerable place right now and you need to look after yourself first and foremost. Block this guy, feel not a jot of guilt about it, and concentrate on getting yourself to wherever you want to be post-marriage.

When you run into this guy in town, give him a friendly but distant smile and a wave, and put him straight back out of your mind.

Seriously, OP, I've been there with these types. You'll end up head wrecked and heartbroken. Move on now.

Big Bag of Chips

He's happy enough to be friends, pass each on the street etc but he doesn't want to 'date' you if it's not going to lead anywhere. And going to your house for dinner is most definitely a date. He knows there's every likelihood that you will end up kissing the face off each other again, maybe even end up in bed. And he has told you he doesn't want that because you don't want a relationship.

It can be very difficult to go back. If you've crossed that line from friends to being intimate it can be very difficult to go back to simply friends. Especially if one person wants more.

I think for both your sakes you need to stop engaging with him. You block him! Don't reply to texts. Don't accept follow requests. You are not in a place yet where you want a relationship. Stringing this lad along asking him to your place, alone for dinner, is just leading him on. Or maybe looking for some no strings attached fun. But, that's not what's he's looking for.

YellowLead

It sounds like it’s time to ‘break up’ what you guys have going on. Clearly he would like more with you, but all you want is fun and friendship. He can’t handle the ‘date’ like behaviour and fair play to him for asserting himself in that regard. It’s hard to flirt and have dates with somebody you like knowing they don’t want it going anywhere. I think for both your sakes you need to end things. That allows you to find a man who is just up for fun only (plenty of those out there) and will allow him to find a girlfriend type scenario.

SunnySundays

I have a slightly different take on it. 3 times he has told you he wants more but pulls away each time when you've told him you don't. He's trying to protect himself from hurt but the attraction and hope of it developing further keeps bringing him back.

Cut contact as it's unfair when you both aren't on the same page.

castlegrange19

Thank you all for your honest opinions, i think i needed to read it in black and white. I do respect the fact that he could easily have taken advantage of my vulnerability and slept with me but he didnt, so respect were it's due. Alot of single guys would have jumped at a one off hook up and he said no.
I've just blocked him there on platforms that he's 'unblocked me' from. I need to sort out my own head.

Thanks again for all your replies.

ILoveYourVibes

I will put it diplomatically. He is not on the same emotional level as you.

He is very emotionally immature. He is acting like a kid.

I do respect the fact that he could easily have taken advantage of my vulnerability and slept with me but he didnt, so respect were it's due. Alot of single guys would have jumped at a one off hook up and he said no.
I've just blocked him there on platforms that he's 'unblocked me' from. I need to sort out my own head.

You are being too generous.

You're a flirty distraction for him when he's in the humour for it, and you pretty much cease to exist for him when he's not. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but I think you need to hear it out straight.

This.

Thing is when you get close to him...i think you would find ..there is not a lot going on upstairs ...shallow people tend not to have much more depth them ..they tend to be the ones who treat others like toys or things. He wouldn't be that interesting in the long term if you REALLY got to know him. He's not that special.

He isn't bad or anything ...but i mean HE IS only in his 20's ....to be fair to him ...we all do crazy **** in our 20s and behave like kids ...hopefully he matures. But just wish him well and move on.Blocking you on social media etc very insta generation stuff.

Best of luck op.

Segotias

Sounds like he was aiming for a hook up or FWB situation in the strictest sense i.e. no hanging out or "dates" As things seemed to have progress down the route of hanging out he might have sensed you were starting to feel something so knocked it on the head.

This is a complete head f*ck and you're better off keeping clear, while it can be good for the ego to get attention etc it will ultimately not be worth in the long run.

Acting that way at his age is almost the norm but you shouldn't have to put up with it, as you're only out of your marriage do things on your own terms

bitofabind

It's easy to get into these headfcuky situations when you're at a low ebb. Some of the worst "situationships" I've had have been post-breakup when I've been heartbroken, lost, confidence dented, felt totally depleted and then some wan came along with the compliments and promises and I got lost in the ego boost of it all.

I think in the clear light of day, you'd be seeing a lot of red flags with this guy that you can't see now because life is hard and complicated and you're grieving the loss of your marriage. He's not available, he's not emotionally mature and he probably doesn't even know what he wants with the net result of him not being able to treat you with respect or kindness.

I know you probably thought, "what's a harmless bit of fun" coz that's the rhetoric post-break up but IME these situations can often do a lot more harm than good and can add to the pain that you're already in after a marriage breakdown. So my advice would be, leave well enough alone and focus on building your life and your confidence back.

Big Bag of Chips

I don’t think the issue is that he’s not available or emotionally mature, OP. Let’s not forget he’s a man approaching 30. The issue is that YOU are not available. You told him multiple times that you are not looking for a relationship “just a bit of fun”. He doesn’t want to be just a bit of fun and has made that clear. He could have slept with you. Had a fwb set up, but he doesn’t want that.

I think you enjoy the attention. Who wouldn’t? But he doesn’t want to be just an ego boost. You are not looking for a relationship. So you need to find someone who is also not looking for a relationship. There’s loads of them out there